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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26085817">Embassy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/immistermercury/pseuds/immistermercury'>immistermercury</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(don't worry kids it's not relevant, Discussions of Pregnancy Complications, Discussions of sex work, First Kiss, Forced Prostitution, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Mpreg, Neighbours, Poverty, and it's not doctor/patient), coerced prostitution, freddie has just moved in over the road, freddie on the other hand, he's starting from scratch and he has literally nothing, i haven't attempted anything medical, in that weirdly cute way we all secretly enjoy, jim can't have kids, jim helping freddie get on his feet, jim is a doctor, previous sex work, the baby isn't jim's, volatile tempers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:35:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>108,933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26085817</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/immistermercury/pseuds/immistermercury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Thirty weeks today.” Freddie told him, his voice sweet and quiet. “I’m having a little boy.”</p><p>“Oh, lovely.” Jim smiled back at him, seeing the genuine happiness on his face. “Have you lived here long? I don’t remember seeing you around.”</p><p>“I moved in last week. I’m still unpacking.” He smiled shyly. “Trying to get it sorted out before I get too much bigger, I can already barely fucking move.”</p><p>Jim chuckled with him, sitting up on the wall. “And you’re here with your boyfriend?” He asked, watching the quirk of Freddie’s eyebrow again. “Girlfriend? Husband?”</p><p>“What’s the likelihood of me having a girlfriend?” Freddie gestured at his stomach and laughed. “No, darling, I’m on my own. I don’t know who the baby’s dad is, before you ask, but no one’s come forth desperate to find out, so it’s just the two of us for now.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>105</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is honestly just a bit of fun kids sometimes you just have to write people being nice to each other</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t smoke when you’re pregnant, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up from his sketchbook, eyebrow arched high as he took another defiant drag. “Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s bad for the baby. There’s a number of studies into the connection between smoking and-” He started, crossing his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s my last vice left in this world, darling.” He crooned dramatically, blowing smoke at the late morning sunshine. “I don’t snort coke, I don’t smoke weed, I don’t drink. My only vice comes in packets at Sainsbury’s for three quid per twenty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should consider quitting.” He persisted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve already considered it.” He replied dryly, going back to his pencils. “Anyway, what’s your authority?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Jim Hutton.” He replied, crossing his arms defensively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Doctor of what?” Freddie asked. “Graphic design? Philosophy? Marketing and selling snake oil?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m an A&amp;E consultant.” He rolled his eyes, watching his fingers for a moment. “I live over the road with my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright for some.” He glanced up again at the man - at the doctor - and smiled a little wickedly. “What number? I’ll remember it when I’m bleeding in the middle of the night again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seventeen.” He said quickly. “You should really get that checked out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Christ, darling, I’m in the middle of so many clinical teams that I can’t move for hospital intervention.” He replied dryly, though the way he touched his stomach seemed so soft and gentle in comparison. “It’s Freddie Bulsara, if you want to go and look me up on one of your fancy computers.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim faltered and walked a little closer to him, resting his hip against his garden wall. “How many weeks are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was a little taken aback by the sudden softness in his voice and smiled involuntarily, letting his guard down a little. “Thirty weeks today.” He said, his voice a little quieter. “I’m having a little boy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, lovely.” Jim smiled back at him, seeing the genuine happiness on his face. “Have you lived here long? I don’t remember seeing you around.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I moved in last week. I’m still unpacking.” He smiled shyly. “Trying to get it sorted out before I get too much bigger, I can already barely fucking move.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled with him, sitting up on the wall. “And you’re here with your boyfriend?” He asked, watching the quirk of Freddie’s eyebrow again. “Girlfriend? Husband?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s the likelihood of me having a girlfriend?” Freddie gestured at his stomach and laughed. “No, darling, I’m on my own. I don’t know who the baby’s dad is, before you ask, but no one’s come forth desperate to find out, so it’s just the two of us for now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh!” He said quickly, his cheeks flushing a little. “Okay, well- if you need any help with anything, then give me a shout. I work nights most of the time, so I’ll be around during the day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you feel about building flatpack furniture?” Freddie asked, his grin cheeky as he watched him. “I’ve got a sofa that’s desperate to be built, darling, but I’ve had enough complications without the threat of a drill to the stomach.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you sitting on now, then?” He asked quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got my mattress on the floor, darling, I just put that in the lounge. I’ll build the bed frame when I’ve had the baby, I’m not allowed to even lift the fucking boxes just now.” He chuckled. “It’s alright, it’s comfy enough. It’s comfier than where I was before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will tomorrow do?” He asked. “I’ve got work until four tomorrow morning, so I’ll go home, get some sleep, and then I’ll come and build it for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you serious?” Freddie asked quickly. “I was- I was just joking around, you don’t have to actually come and build my furniture for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim shrugged. “It’ll stop me from eating crisps and watching daytime television, it’ll probably be a good thing.” He grinned. “Three o’clock tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, sorry-” Freddie kicked a box out of the way and picked up the cat that slept on top of the kitchen counter, holding it in his arms as he surveyed the room nervously. “It’s a fucking mess in here, I was going to clean up but I’ve just been so fucking tired, this baby’s a bastard and he keeps me up all fucking night-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, it’s fine, I promise.” Jim chuckled, toeing off his shoes at the door as though he was stepping into any other respectable house. “We’ve all been a few days behind at the dishes one time or another. Fucking hell, my house is trashed most of the time, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie noticed the widening of his eyes as he glanced into the kitchenette, at the scarcity of anything on the counters, and his cheeks flushed darker. “It’s not much, I know.” He mumbled, feeling hot and embarrassed and upset. “Fucking hell, I shouldn’t have let you do this, you should go-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim stepped closer and wound his arms around him, feeling how he was shaking beneath his fingers. “It’s alright.” He promised again. “Do you need some help unpacking your kitchen stuff?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s unpacked.” He murmured, rubbing his face agitatedly. “Listen, I’m on- I’m on fucking food vouchers, alright? I’ve got a saucepan to heat shit up, I’ve got an oven tray, I’ve got a wooden spoon- it’s fine when it’s just you on your own. I can’t cook anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about a kettle?” Jim asked softly. “Do you drink tea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He murmured quietly. “I just heat the water in the saucepan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s some of them that are only about a tenner if you go to Tesco.” He offered, his smile kind. “I could take you, if you need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think I’d be on vouchers if I had ten pounds to spend in Tesco?” He asked bitterly, though his cheeks flushed again. “Sorry, sorry, I shouldn’t snap- that wasn’t fair, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim held him at arm’s length for a moment, his brow furrowed. “Are you really struggling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just getting on my feet.” He swallowed, looking away from his eyes. “They’ve given me a bit of food, some cereal and some tea and a couple of tins of things, a bit of pasta, that kind of stuff. They’ve given me some soap and a toothbrush too.” He added quickly. “I’ve got enough- I’ve got a payment coming next week, I’ll be able to buy more then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Jim agreed, allowing him to drop the subject. “Why don’t you show me into your lounge?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie led him into the room, and Jim was struck by how dark it was. “Where’s your light switch?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The light doesn’t work.” He mumbled. “I need to change the bulb but I don’t know how.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Give it here.” He held out the palm of his hand and Freddie grabbed the box with the bulb in it, handing it to him. Jim pulled out the old bulb and quickly twisted in the new one, his own smile blossoming when he saw Freddie’s smile as he flicked the light switch. “There we go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Freddie smiled, sitting down heavily on the mattress and resting against the wall. “Sorry, my back’s fucking killing me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Has he got a name?” Jim asked curiously, grabbing his toolkit and slicing open the first box of the sofa. “The baby, I mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I- I haven’t really decided yet.” Freddie admitted, rubbing his hand back and forth over his stomach. “I didn’t really want him at first, honestly, so I didn’t name him then. It was like- if I didn’t name him, he didn’t really exist.” He rolled his eyes wryly. “Hence why I was twenty-five weeks the first time I went to the doctor, and that was only because I’d been bleeding really fucking heavily.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you didn’t want him, why not abort him?” Jim asked bluntly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was high all the time. When I was high, I didn’t fucking think about the fact that I was pregnant, I just ignored it. I was in a really rough spot.” He admitted. “Sleeping around, drinking, and I was fucking addicted to coke. It was stupid, but when I started bleeding, that’s when I realised he was real, because I thought I’d lost him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But he’s okay?” Jim checked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had an abruption. Apparently it’s common in parents that abuse coke.” He admitted. “I lost a lot of blood, but it wasn’t a total abruption, and when they checked the baby he still had a strong heart rate and everything, so they don’t think it was too bad. They just think- well, because I’d abused my body so badly, it was shit at healing itself. I was in hospital for two weeks while they monitored both of us, I got transfusions and everything, and they got me off coke while I was there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that why you moved?” Jim asked gently, starting the work to screw the base of the sofa together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I mean- I didn’t even have a house, I was sleeping in a fucking car park or on people’s sofas. When the hospital discharged me, they put me in contact with the authorities, and they got me this place.” He explained. “But I don’t have any fucking money because I was sleeping with people for coke. I hardly had a bank of savings or anything, and I don’t talk to my parents or my old friends anymore. I am- I am going to, but I want to get back on my feet first, get a job, have the baby, sort this place out. I want to show them that I’m not totally fucked up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you get benefits?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you think I bought the furniture?” Freddie smiled a little. “Yes, darling, I do, but most of it goes on the rent. I need to get ready for the baby, too, because he’s going to need a basket and some clothes and bottles, and even if I don’t go crazy and buy him loads of toys and things like that, it’ll still cost me a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, blowing his hair out of his eyes as he worked quickly. “You really don’t have a name for him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well-” He faltered, smiling a little. “You’ll think it’s ridiculous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I won’t!” He insisted, glancing up and smiling at him. “You can always change your mind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like Maajid.” He admitted shyly. “It’s an Arabic name. My Arabic’s always been shit, but I love it as a name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid.” He echoed, watching him for a moment. “You know, I think you do love that baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I do, I do.” He agreed, laying back a little more. “Except when he kicks like a bastard. He was kicking like crazy at two o’clock this morning, he didn’t stop until five. I’m knackered.” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is he kicking now?” Jim asked. “What’s it like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie glanced down at his stomach and chuckled. “Depends how nice he’s being. Sometimes it feels like butterflies in your tummy, especially when they’re smaller, but he’s getting fucking strong now. He’s not even that big, but he kicks like he’s twelve pounds or something crazy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie pulled up his shirt a little and Jim watched a little fist push against his skin. “Can you see that?” Freddie asked with a laugh. “He’s strong enough to push out my fucking skin these days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, God!” Jim laughed. “It looks like he’s running his knuckles along the inside of your stomach.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Freddie gestured for him. “You can feel it if you want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim dusted off his hands and gently pressed one of them to the underside of Freddie’s stomach, grinning to himself. “God, he really kicks, doesn’t he?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Little bastard. You’ve made him all excited.” Freddie laughed. “He’s probably glad to hear another voice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet you can’t wait to have him these days.” Jim commented, tracing the baby’s foot with his finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, really. It’s nerve-wracking.” He admitted. “I just want to have enough so that I don’t- well, you know, it’s fine when you’re sucking cock for coke, but to have to do it for formula milk is just sad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You won’t have to do that.” Jim said seriously. “I can always lend you some money if you need it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t expect you to do that.” Freddie said quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, really, it’s fine!” Jim smiled. “I love little kids, I’d love to see yours grow up happy and healthy. Me- my boyfriend and I, neither of us can have kids, and so it’s something we’ve- well, we’ve just had to accept it.” He smiled, a little sadly. “But I still get to live vicariously through other people’s kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you keep being this good to me, I’ll make you his godfather.” Freddie smiled up at him. “It’d probably be good for him to have someone who isn’t such a hormonal bitch as his father in his life. I’m sure we’ll argue over everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you will.” Jim chuckled. “Having kids changes people. I think he’ll be grateful that you’re his father.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, darling.” Freddie’s voice softened a little. “That really means a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re cooking!” Jamie sang, dropping his bag on the floor and then leaning over Jim’s shoulder to look at the pot, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he went. “Don’t tell me this is Jim Hutton’s special shepherd’s pie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Co-” He started, and Jamie rolled his eyes playfully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cottage, cottage, I know, I’m sorry.” He laughed. “It smells delicious, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you!” He grinned. “I was fucking starving at work last night, so I thought I’d make something that would fill me up before I went.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you thought you’d share it with the whole city, apparently.” He joked. “You look like you’ve made enough for us and ten other people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well-” Jim paused his stirring and bit his lip. “You remember the guy I told you about? The guy who’s furniture I went and built?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The pregnant guy? Freddie?” He asked curiously. “Yes, darling, I remember.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s on vouchers at the moment, and he showed me some of the food he gets, it’s all total shit. Well- no, it’s not shit, but there’s just not much of it and it’s all tinned and preserved. I thought he might appreciate something properly cooked.” He explained. “And you know I always cook too much for the both of us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s really sweet of you.” He smiled. “You’re such a lovely person, darling, I’m sure he’ll love it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s always knackered, I doubt he would have the energy to cook anyway. I thought if I made a bit too much he could get a couple of meals out of it.” He shrugged. “I still need to get it in the oven, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll help.” Jamie rolled up his sleeves and grabbed the potatoes, getting to work. “I’ll have some before I go out.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was delicious, darling, thank you.” Jamie smiled, grabbing his bag from the counter. “I’m going to the gym, will you be here by the time I’m back?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Probably not.” Jim stood up and put the lid on the pot, kissing him quickly as he pulled on his shoes. “I’m just going to take this over and then I’ll be off to work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. I love you.” He said sweetly. “What time are you finished?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Half three. Short shift.” He grabbed the pot with the oven gloves and shoved his keys in his pocket before he left, thanking Jamie for holding the door open for him. He walked over the road and knocked on the door with the toe of his shoe, grinning when Freddie opened the door, rubbing his eyes sleepily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim?” He yawned, smiling immediately at the look on his face. “Hello, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I brought you dinner.” He offered the pot to him. “We made far too much, so I thought you might like something that’s actually been cooked from scratch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it smells amazing!” Freddie grinned at him. “That’s so fucking lovely of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged proudly and walked into the house, placing the big pot down on top of his stove. “You can keep that pot, too, I’ve been trying to get Jamie to cut down on the amount of stuff in our kitchen for months.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You absolute darling!” Freddie hugged him tightly, and Jim instinctively wrapped his arms around him in return. “God, I’m fucking starving.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Help yourself!” Jim grinned, reaching a bowl down from the cupboard for him. “This is nice, where’s this from?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got a set of mugs and plates and bowls and everything from Oxfam on the high street.” Freddie told him. “Three pounds for four of each. And then an entire set of cutlery from Tesco for a pound.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do seem to have spruced things up a bit in here. I like the new curtains at the windows, too.” He complimented.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor while the baby’s been calm.” Freddie chuckled. “I even had enough money to go to the laundrette, as well, I did all my clothes and the bedsheets and everything. I’m starting to feel like it’s more of a home here now.” He smiled. “And my back doesn’t hurt as much now that I’ve got a proper bed frame.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice that you’re starting to settle down properly.” Jim smiled as he plated up his food for him and handed it over, sitting down at his dining table opposite him. “How’s Maajid?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He actually let me sleep last night.” Freddie chuckled, rubbing his stomach as he started to eat. “I- I called a friend I was really close with a few years ago, he’d told me to go back to him when I was being sensible again, and it was really nice to talk to him again. He actually gave me a gift, he came over to see me, and he gave me this pillow that his wife used when she was having a baby. It means that I can lie on my side at night, it’s so much more comfortable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was so nice of him.” Jim grinned, watching as Freddie ate as quickly as he could. “Calm down, calm down!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m hungry!” Freddie laughed, wiping sauce from his chin. “I’ve got another scan tomorrow, they wanted me to put a bit of weight on before it, so I’m taking every chance I’ve got.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose it’ll fix your metabolism.” He chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly! I’ve got to be decently healthy if I’m going to be a father.” Freddie grinned. “Although all my bloodwork is fine now, I seem to have gotten over that hurdle after the bleeding and everything, so I’m already much healthier than I was. And-” Freddie lifted his finger and pointed at him. “I haven’t smoked in the last week, either, after you told me off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Jim grinned happily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, really.” Freddie rolled his eyes. “I spoke to the nurse and she said that it could cause a full abruption, and I’m not waiting around for my baby to fucking die in one way or another because of my own stupidity. I love this little boy.” Freddie’s voice softened a little. “I’m not giving up now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and took his bowl from him, placing it in the sink before he sat beside him and rested a hand on his stomach. “He’s being more gentle with you today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t he just?” Freddie laughed, looking up at the intent expression on Jim’s face. “These are nice kicks, not like the other day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim paused for a long moment, glancing between his stomach and his face and watching the sweet smile that grew on his face; he faltered just for a moment before he leaned forwards and kissed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie gasped, his hand coming up to grip Jim’s shoulder tightly. “What the hell?” He asked, breaking away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh God.” Jim gasped, brushing his fingers over his lips. “Fucking hell, I’m sorry, I just-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you fancy me?” Freddie asked, glancing down at his hand that still rested upon his bump; a smirk slowly grew across his face. “You’ve got a boyfriend, you tart.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He groaned, leaning in closer and faltering for a moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned up and closed the gap between them, wrapping his arms around his neck as he kissed back, hungrily, lovingly, needing and wanting and desiring.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Baby Box</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Important conversations.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Little warning for very upset Freddie at the beginning here and brief mentions of violence!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He cursed when a knock sounded at the door, slowly uncurling himself from around the cushion he’d been hugging; he swallowed hard and rubbed the tear tracks from his cheeks, though he still felt shaky as he stood up to unlatch the door. Jim stood opposite him, smiling brightly at him, a bottle of something fizzy in one hand and a tiny little sleepsuit in the other, which he proffered with the most excitable look on his face-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie took one glance at it, and he burst into tears again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie?” Jim asked, dropping both on the counter as he hugged him tight. “Freddie, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie hiccuped on his sob as he clutched onto Jim, hands tight in the shirt he wore; Jim could feel how he trembled, as though he was going to shake right out of his skin. “Freddie, sweetheart, talk to me.” Jim said gently, rubbing circles on his back. “Is it Maajid? Is he okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He- he’s okay.” He said quietly, his voice faltering unsteadily. “I- I don’t think that I- I can do this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim frowned and gently sat him back down on the sofa, running his fingers soothingly up and down his back. “What do you mean?” He asked gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m all on my own.” He whispered, and the pain in his voice hit Jim in the chest, wrenching at his heart. “And babies are such hard work- I can’t do it.” He repeated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Freddie-” He murmured, winding an arm around his shoulders to try and comfort him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought I could ask somebody to hit me.” He whispered. “Really hard, you know, I have friends that would do that for me. But then I- I want to meet him, Jim, but I’m not a fucking father, I can’t look after him, I’d end up hurting him and so I thought I could put him up for adoption once I have him, then he’d be happy but he wouldn’t have to deal with me, he could go to someone like you, someone who can’t have kids but has always wanted them, and-” He groaned, as though he was in pain, running his hands through his hair and pulling on it hard. “I wish I’d just gotten rid of him when I could, I can’t- I hate making these decisions, I don’t know what to </span>
  <em>
    <span>do.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rush of his voice sounded as though it had been a confession he was desperate to admit; Jim only held him more closely. “It’s a big change, Freddie, but it’s not the end of the world.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How would you know?” He spat back bitterly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Jim replied, his voice a little firmer. “Come on, let’s be logical.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie sighed and then nodded. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” He promised, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. “Why don’t you talk to your parents?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, remember me, your son that got addicted to coke at sixteen? Well, you’ll never guess what, now I’m thirty-three weeks pregnant and I don’t know who the father is.” He bit his lip and tucked his knees up closer, until the tops of his thighs rested against his stomach. “They’re religious, Jim, they’ll never fucking forgive me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you don’t tell them you don’t know who the father is. Tell them that you were in a stable relationship with him, but you still weren’t in a good place, and he got done with possession with intent to supply and now he’s in prison, and you’ve decided you don’t want the baby to grow up with that kind of influence in his life.” He suggested. “You’re not powerless, Freddie. If you were powerless, you wouldn’t have sorted all of this out for yourself.” He gestured to the house around him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rested his head against Jim’s shoulder, finally calming down a little. “I’m just really scared.” He whispered. “Because even now, it’s just us all day and all night, I sit and I talk to him and I trace his little fingers, but there’s no one else who comes home from work and cuddles with us and begs to feel his kicking. There’s no one else who wakes up at three o’clock in the morning when he’s making me feel sick, just to hold my hair back. There’s no one to celebrate with me, Jim, there’s not even anybody to just help me out sometimes when I’m fucking exhausted and sore and miserable. And they-” His eyes welled with tears again. “They tell you this is all supposed to be the best experience of your life, they give you all those leaflets about how to deal with the highs and lows and it says that you should share loads with your partner so that you don’t fucking hurt yourself but I can’t- I can’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sighed and pressed a little kiss to his temple. “I know it’s hard, petal.” He said gently. “But you will find somebody.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who’s going to want an ex-junkie with a baby?” He asked miserably. “I know I look like shit now, and this is when I’m supposed to look my best. Everyone says it makes you look radiant.” He mumbled. “I just look miserable and greasy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true.” Jim carefully crouched on the floor in front of him and took his hands, kissing his knuckles gently. “Why don’t we pamper you a little, see if that’ll cheer you up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie faltered for a moment and wiped his nose on his sleeve. “With what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You wait here.” Jim started to grin and stood up. “I’ll be back in a minute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell, what’s that?” Freddie asked, looking at the huge bag in his hand as he came back through the door; Jim thought he looked a little brighter just from being distracted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You probably won’t believe this, but my boyfriend and I, we met at college. We were both studying hairdressing.” He grinned. “I dropped out to take A-levels and do medicine instead, but I still got about six months of the classes in before I did. And Jamie actually works as a hairdresser now, so I stole his spare kitbag.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You must be the breadwinner in your house.” Freddie smiled wryly, looking into the range of items in the bag. “What hairdresser has toothpaste in their bag?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I grabbed a couple of extra things too.” He grinned. “Why don’t you show me your bathroom?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie took his hand and led him upstairs, pushing open a door and revealing the bathroom; Jim paused for a moment, struck by how beautiful it looked in comparison to the rest of the house, a big bay window by the bath and black and white checked tiles all over the floor. “Oh, it’s nice in here!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It took me six days to sort it out.” Freddie sat on the edge of the bath and looked out of the window at the midday sunshine. “Scrubbed it, bleached it, and then I painted the tiles.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did this yourself?” Jim asked, looking down at the floor. “God, I thought it was supposed to look like that!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Three tester pots of bathroom paint.” Freddie grinned, looking just a little pleased with himself. “They tried to give me a place with a wetroom first, you know, and I had to ask them how the fuck I was supposed to bathe a baby in a wetroom. But I think I scored on this place, once I’ve got some wallpaper up and I’ve cleaned up the kitchen properly. They don’t usually give you a two-bed place if you’re pregnant, only if you’ve got the kid already, but I kicked up a fuss.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course you did.” Jim grinned and grabbed his toothbrush from the counter, and a tube of whitening toothpaste from his bag. “Brush your teeth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sir.” Freddie joked, soaking it with water from the bath tap before he started to brush his teeth. Jim pulled out a pouch with his scissors, his comb, a brush, a straight razor, and shaving gel; he watched the playful arch of Freddie’s eyebrow as he diligently brushed his teeth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said I’d do it properly!” He grinned. “I’ll clear up your stubble as well. It was always my favourite part to do when I was training.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rolled his eyes and grinned, leaning over the edge of the bath to spit away the foam in his mouth. “Why does that-” He cut himself off with a squeak as he jumped, Jim’s hands quickly catching him before he could go tumbling into the bathtub.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What was that?” Jim laughed, dragging the chair in the hallway into the bathroom and sitting him on it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid’s awake.” Freddie chuckled, wincing a little when he kicked again. “Oh good, he’s rammed his foot into my rib.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never knew a baby kicking could startle you.” Jim admitted, brushing Freddie’s hair and sectioning it off. “You know, I thought I’d already know a lot about what you’re going through just from when I did rotation in that part of the hospital, but it turns out I don’t know anything about what it’s really like.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All the books in the world can’t quite compare to the real experience.” Freddie sat cross-legged and arched his back a little bit. “He’s usually decently cooperative, let me-” He gently ran a hand over the top of his stomach, pressing a finger just a little more firmly where his foot sat, and breathed a sigh of relief when he moved his foot down an inch. “Some parents can’t make them move at all, but he usually moves if I tickle his feet.” He laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, how weird.” Jim laughed, dragging the comb through the underside of his hair. “How much should I cut?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just tidy me up.” Freddie blew his hair out of his eyes with a laugh. “I haven’t had a haircut in years.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I must admit, I was wondering.” Jim grinned. “I’ll probably have to take off about an inch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, go for it.” Freddie agreed. “Will you give me a proper hair wash, too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Obviously.” Jim laughed. “What kind of a tight-ass do you take me for?”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s hands uncovered his eyes as they stood opposite the mirror; Freddie looked at himself for just a moment before he started to grin. “Oh my God!” He laughed, his fingers running over his jawline, his cheekbone, and then up and through his hair. “How the hell did you manage to make my skin look this good?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you’d be more shocked by your hair!” Jim laughed, running his fingers through it. “A decent cleanser, darling, an aftershave balm with aloe vera in it, a nice tonic to hydrate and soothe your skin, and then a nice moisturiser.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve worked an absolute miracle.” Freddie grinned, looking up at him and touching the sides of his hair. “God, it feels so healthy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They say it feels fuller and shinier when you’re having a boy.” He told him, ruffling his fingers through it to make it sit nicely on his shoulders. “I mean, it’s an old wives’ tale, but your hair really does look lovely.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I realised how much I needed this.” Freddie looked down at himself, his whole body fresh out the shower, lotioned and dressed in clothes that were properly clean. “I suppose it’s time for the end of sleeping in a car park couture.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, darling, it is.” Jim chuckled. “Do you feel better?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I really do.” Freddie smiled shyly and stood up to hug him. “Sometimes I feel- I feel like I’m not a proper parent, I don’t know what I’m doing, and when I’m on my own for too long, I get all in my own head. But- I don’t know, when I feel better about myself, I know I definitely want to keep him, because he’s- well, he’s all I’ve really got right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good! I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself or him, and I don’t want you to give him away based on your own self doubt.” He smiled kindly. “I bought him a little sleepsuit, do you want to see it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I forgot!” Freddie took his hand to stand and then followed himself downstairs, back out into their hallway. Jim picked up the sleepsuit and handed it to him, and Freddie cradled it in his hands as though it was the baby himself; he bit his lip as he held it closely. “It’s so little.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s newborn size. I remembered what you said about wanting to get a couple of things for when the baby finally came, I thought it would be a good start.” He smiled. “We can always get him some zero to three month clothes, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but-” Freddie rested a hand on his stomach shyly. “Darling, sometimes he feels like a tonne of bricks in my stomach, but he- sometimes I forget just how little he’s really going to be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did they give you an estimate of how big he is?” Jim asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s little. He wasn’t growing enough at the beginning, but he’s starting to catch up now. They think he’s just under four pounds.” Freddie smiled. “Since I stopped smoking - it’s been what, three weeks now - he’s just grown and grown and grown. I guess that’s what happens when you actually take care of your body while you’re pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad I gave you a kick in the ass.” Jim grinned, pouring water into the saucepan on the stove and setting it to heat as Freddie sat at the dining table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you did too.” Freddie’s smile grew a little more shy. “Thank you. I think I- I needed someone to hold me accountable for my own actions towards my baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim winked at him and sat opposite him. “Are you hungry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m always fucking hungry.” Freddie chuckled. “You have a coke addict metabolism and a baby, I could eat every moment of every day and I’d still be fucking starving.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s your favourite pizza?” He asked. “I’ve got a bottle of cranberry juice and lemonade in the hall, and I’ll order us pizza, how does that sound?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like absolute heaven.” Freddie grinned back at him. “Like the best thing I’ve ever experienced.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t drunk, and yet he felt as though he was; his head was reeling with a sudden influx of emotions he hadn’t felt in so long. He had felt so numb without the excitement of coke for so long, the world seeming so boring and mundane and so fucking lonely without the routine he’d had for so long-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you really think of me?” Freddie asked, bare skin slipping against his bedsheets as Jim pulled him closer. “I can’t tell if you just keep coming here because your boyfriend isn’t around during the day and it’s the next easiest way to get laid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim leaned down and kissed him slow and deep, savouring the taste of his lips against his own as he let his hand run down Freddie’s naked body. “Do you think I’m a terrible person?” He asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For cheating on your boyfriend with the whore across the road?” Freddie arched an eyebrow and lay lazily against him. “I don’t think it makes you the best person ever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He groaned and let his head hit the pillow. “It’s like living with a roommate.” He admitted. “There’s no fire there anymore, I barely get a kiss on the lips. I can’t remember the last time we slept together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I am an easy way to get laid?” Freddie asked, raising the other eyebrow. “Wow, thanks, no need to boost my self esteem.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, I don’t mean it like that.” Jim wrapped his arms more tightly around him. “You’re fucking gorgeous, Freddie, and it- it makes a man like me fucking weak at the knees.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s cheesy.” Freddie rolled his eyes, but his smile was pleased. “How long have you been with your boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sixteen years.” He said quietly. “I’m thirty-two, I’ve been with him since I was sixteen. But we- I don’t know, I don’t know if we’re really happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would never have guessed you were thirty-two.” Freddie said softly. “I thought you were like twenty-seven.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take the compliment.” He chuckled. “How old are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’ve shagged me and you don’t even know how old I am.” Freddie laughed a little. “I’m twenty-four.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve been addicted since you were sixteen? Christ, that’s a long time.” Jim commented, letting Freddie lay comfortably on him. “Maybe the world gave you Maajid to sort you out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I actually had another baby back when I was nineteen, but I lost it.” He said softly. “That’s why I have scans so often, I had a total abruption with the first baby and I lost it. But now- well, I suppose I let myself be guided by my baby this time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were ready for him.” Jim agreed, running his fingers back and forth over Freddie’s stomach. “I think you are, no matter how unsure you feel. I think you’re ready.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wish I knew his dad.” Freddie admitted quietly. “But I was sleeping with ten- maybe twenty different people, I was sleeping with people who would put me up or would sort me out my next fix. Maybe it’s a good job I don’t know who it is.” He whispered. “I doubt they’d be a great role model.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told you, darling, you’ll meet someone-” He started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t that someone be you?” Freddie sighed, looking up at him earnestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie-” Jim groaned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, don’t use that tone of voice on me.” Freddie propped himself up on one elbow. “You don’t get to shag me and call me gorgeous and then pretend it’s a total impossibility that we could be together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just messy.” He murmured, capturing Freddie’s lips in another kiss. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My entire fucking life is messy.” Freddie whispered, cupping his cheeks. “Think about it, think about me. Think about us.” He insisted. </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Darling-” Jamie sat opposite him on the sofa and took his hand gently. “Can I talk to you about something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim closed his book quickly and nodded, sitting up. “Of course. What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed, long and low, and squeezed his hand lovingly. “I’ve met someone else.” He said quietly, shyly. “I think- I don’t know if we really love each other anymore, like we used to. I think I see you more as my best friend than my boyfriend these days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim faltered for a moment, words catching in his throat. “You’ve met someone?” He asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. “I haven’t cheated on you or anything like that, I promise, and I- I’m so thankful for everything that we’ve done and had together. But you’re at work all night, I’m at work all day, we never see each other anymore, and I- I think we might be happier somewhere else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t say sorry.” He said quickly. “I think you’re right. I think I- I agree with you, about the best friend thing.” He admitted. “Are you still going to stay here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you mind if I stayed over at his house for the next few nights?” He asked nervously. “I know you don’t like living on your own, but- I just want to see how it goes with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim paused and eventually nodded. “Yeah, of course you can.” He tried his best for a smile. “I might go and see Freddie. He’s been really down about being on his own the last few weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like a good idea!” He agreed. “You’ve been hanging out with him a lot recently, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind putting you up tonight if you don’t want to sleep in an empty house. Or you could invite him over here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not a bad idea.” Jim agreed, standing up and brushing off his sweatpants. “Thanks, Jay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No problem.” He leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Thanks for not yelling at me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t exactly yell at you when you’re telling the truth.” He chuckled. “I’m just going to pop to the shops first, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s unlocked!” Freddie called at the knock on the door, wiping chocolate from his lips hastily; he was sat in his lounge, sketchbook balanced on the arm of the sofa and the new paint drying on the walls. When Jim walked in, he gasped at the sight of the room, painted the most beautiful sage green, two plants in the corners of the room, a new table for him to prop his feet up on and to discard old mugs of tea on every time fell asleep during the day. “Oh, hello, darling!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love what you’ve done with this room!” He grinned, dropping a huge box on the sofa beside Freddie and smiling shyly. “And this is to say sorry for being an indecisive bastard, for shagging you without considering your feelings, and to ask you to be my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie widened his eyes and threw the book onto the table, quickly resting his hand on top of the box; it was smooth under his fingers, sturdy, patterned with tiny teddy bears. “What is this?” He asked excitedly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a baby box.” He sat on the sofa beside him and watched as he pulled off the lid, his eyes lighting up when he saw the inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim!” He gasped. “Oh my fucking God-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can use the box as a bed until you can get your hands on a Moses basket or something like that. It’s got a mattress and a sheet and everything in it, it’s all designed to be safe for him to sleep in.” He said proudly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie pulled out two little sleepsuits, two vests, a hat, two pairs of socks, and a bib; he covered his mouth with shock as he unfolded a light swaddling blanket and a warmer blanket for the colder nights. He started to cry when he picked up the little soft toy, a tiny elephant patterned with stars; he hugged it close to his chest as though it had been for him all along. “This-” He looked up at Jim, so sure he was in love with the man in front of him. “Jim- this is- this is the nicest fucking thing anybody’s ever done for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pulled him into a huge and kissed the top of his head, grinning widely. “I just wanted to give you something, so that you could feel like you had some kind of foundation to start with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is more than I could ever have asked for.” He whispered, looking through the packet of nappies, the changing mat, the rash cream, the baby wipes, the little muslin squares. “I can’t believe it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was going to get you a baby bath kit too, but I thought you might like to actually choose some of the things he gets.” Jim laughed. “They have all different scents, I didn’t know which one you might like. I’ll take you to have a look at them if you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie picked up a pair of little socks and held them between his fingers, holding on so tight. “What does that bath kit have in it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The actual bath, a towel, a little bathrobe, shampoo, lotion, baby oil, soap, a little rubber duck-” He laughed. “A kneeling pad for you, as well, so your knees don’t get bruised, a sponge, some nail clippers, a brush, and I think you get a bag of cotton wool, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds perfect.” Freddie whispered. “All of this stuff is so nice, Jim, where the hell did you get this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll think I’m a decadent bastard.” He grinned a little. “I got it from Harrods. I just wanted to give you something nice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How much did all of this cost you?” He asked, aghast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hundred and fifty.” He admitted. “But I don’t care, I wanted you to have it, you both deserve it. I want you to know that I give a fuck about both of you.” He leaned down and kissed Freddie softly, but Freddie turned away from him just a little.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got a boyfriend, Jim-” Freddie whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t.” He told him earnestly. “He broke up with me, Freddie, and I- I just thought I needed to come straight to you. Because you were right, last week, when you said I should think about us. I did.” He whispered. “I did, I did, Freddie, and I want to be with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God.” Freddie whispered. “How can you- how is this real?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and leaned down to kiss him again, and he laughed when Freddie kissed him back twice as passionately. “I want you to be my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Freddie replied immediately, grinning as he kissed him again and again. He gripped Jim’s hand and rested it on his stomach, laughing when Maajid kicked him straight away. “Can you feel that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I can.” He grinned, brushing his hair from his eyes as he looked down at his stomach. “Hi, sweetheart.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s happy to see you.” He told him earnestly. “He starts kicking every time you kiss me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pressed two fingers to the underside of Freddie’s jaw and laughed. “I think it’s more to do with your racing heartbeat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t go all medical on me now!” Freddie laughed, smacking his hands away playfully. “Are you working tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, darling. I’ve got today and tomorrow off.” He smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you stay over tonight?” Freddie asked earnestly, taking his hands gently. “I think baby and I will both enjoy it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed him once more before he pulled back to admire him. “I’m sure I can manage it somehow, darling.” He teased playfully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rolled his eyes and allowed himself to be kissed again, and again, and again. “You’ll find time for me in your schedule somewhere?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I will.” He said, voice a little more serious as he settled his hands on Freddie’s stomach again. “For both of you.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for all your love on this fic - how would people feel about this being a ten-part thing? (I've already thought of some lovely plot for it ;) )</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Spoil Freddie Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He wants to teach him how good love can be.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've got major writer's block on my other fics rn so be patient with me if I'm uploading more to this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The warmth of his skin was addictive, so smooth as Jim ran his fingers back and forth over his stomach; he watched the flutter of Freddie’s eyelashes, cheek pressed comfortably to the pillow, creases lining his skin all the way from his jaw to his lips. Jim grinned and lay opposite him, letting his eyes trail his bare skin from his neck down to the tops of his thighs, where he’d wrapped the blanket around himself in the middle of the night; his toes poked out from the bottom, and Jim noticed for the first time that he’d painted them in baby blue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pressed the palm of his hand flat to Freddie’s stomach, feeling only the littlest movement, not the kicks he was expecting, and moved his hand slightly, exploring, wondering what the little flutters against his hand really meant-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s just waking up.” Freddie murmured, voice thick with sleep, his eyes staying closed, though he was smiling into his pillow. “You’ve given him hiccups.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hiccups?” Jim asked, looking up at him through his hair; his cheeks were pinkened, and Freddie thought the sight was so cute that he couldn’t help reaching for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He hiccups all the fucking time.” Freddie laughed, pulling his lover down beside him and curling up against him. “He was hiccuping at my last scan. I watched him try and hit them away, he fucking hates them, but all he did was punch me instead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and kissed his forehead as Freddie reached down to rub the underside of his stomach, yawning a little. “What does it feel like?” Jim asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s like a really weak version of when I hiccup, that same feeling, but much lower down.” He murmured, straightening out his legs a little and throwing one over both of Jim’s. “Come on, petal, calm down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does that stop it?” He asked, sounding so naïve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you were a doctor?” Freddie laughed, running his hand back and forth over his stomach. “You can’t stop them. But if he gets angry, then it just lasts longer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I work in A&amp;E!” He rolled his eyes playfully. “I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve done an ultrasound on a baby. We just send people up to maternity or paternity when they come in pregnant, unless it’s a major trauma and we’re just checking if the baby’s alive. The specialists know a lot more about the intricacies of the scans than I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would’ve thought you did them every day.” Freddie said honestly, grabbing a spare pillow from beside him to support his bump as he leaned up to wrap both his arms around Jim’s neck; he smiled into it as he kissed him lovingly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I’ve used the ultrasound more often to look for enlarged livers than I have babies.” Jim chuckled. “We use it to look at people’s organs, like their stomach or their heart, to see if there’s anything wrong when we’ve got a mystery patient.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re missing out.” Freddie smiled sleepily and lay his head back against his pillow. “You know, it’s really nice to have you here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice to be here with you.” Jim pressed another kiss to the top of his head and watched his smile. “I don’t like the idea of you being all on your own.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It isn’t much fun.” He agreed. “Why did you say you’d broken up with your boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He broke up with me, actually. He said he saw me as more of a best friend than a boyfriend, and then he told me he’d found somebody else.” He yawned. “I was surprised, honestly, I didn’t realise he felt the same way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At which point you told him that we’d slept together?” Freddie raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He admitted guiltily. “But I told him I was coming here, and he said that he was going to the new bloke’s house. I just thought- well, he doesn’t really need to know, does he? He knows we weren’t happy, but I don’t want to shoot him down and make him think I thought he wasn’t good enough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose.” Freddie yawned. “But if you pull that shit on me, I’ll kill you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Deal.” Jim chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he’ll be surprised when you end up practically moving in here?” Freddie asked with a laugh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He admitted. “I- I’m scared of living alone, he knows that. I think he’d rather I was over here and I didn’t go batshit insane.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you scared of living alone?” Freddie asked, tracing the line of his cheekbone with his finger gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I work in A&amp;E, darling. I see all these people with terrible injuries from falling downstairs, or people who’ve had strokes, or heart attacks, and if they live on their own then they always come in so much later, because no one checks on them.” He bit his lip shyly. “And it massively reduces their chance of surviving, or surviving without any serious repercussions. And if, you know, I broke my leg tomorrow, something like that, I wouldn’t have anybody to help me out. I’d be totally reliant on myself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your line of work really does fuck you up.” Freddie smiled and leaned up to kiss him, pushing him onto his back and kissing him again and again. “Well, you’re very welcome to be here as many days a week as you’d like, my darling. It’s not much, but it’s enough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim cupped his cheek as they kissed lazily, brushing his fingers back and forth through the long lengths of Freddie’s hair. “You’re beautiful, Freddie.” He whispered, kissing him again. “You’re absolutely fucking gorgeous, and you- you’re one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not too bad yourself.” Freddie winked, his smile so happy as he sat on Jim’s hips. “Now, how about a cup of tea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right!” Jim threw a pair of trousers at him as he walked back into the bedroom, precariously balancing two mugs of tea in the other. “Come on, get up. You can drink your tea as you shower.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off, darling.” Freddie yawned, reaching for the mug and sitting cross-legged in just his underwear. “I’m thirty-three weeks pregnant, I don’t go anywhere in a hurry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rolled his eyes playfully and sat opposite him. “Why don’t you come and shower with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, deal.” Freddie stood up immediately, cradling his mug in his hands as he followed him to the bathroom. “Where are we going, darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re having an official spoil Freddie day.” He grinned, reaching over to turn the shower on. “Because you’ve got no clothes that fit you properly, and you’re only going to get bigger. And you’ve also got no decent food, and you’re missing some basic pieces of furniture, so we’re going to go on a shopping spree. Starting-” He turned and pointed at him, though he paused momentarily while he admired the rosy-cheeked look of gratitude on his face. “Starting with buying you a fucking kettle, because I’m bored of waiting for water to boil on the stove.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim, sweetheart-” Freddie started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If that’s a protest, I don’t want to hear it.” He warned, grinning. “What is it, darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a protest at all.” Freddie promised, standing on his toes to kiss him. “I was just going to say that I’ve got a scan at twelve, so we’d have to factor that in. And I was going to say thank you.” He smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where do you usually have your scans?” He asked, resting his hands either side of his bump. “I’ll take you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, you angel.” Freddie whispered. “Chelsea and Westminster. It’s an absolute bitch of a walk, it takes the best part of an hour.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why not get the bus?” He asked, taking his hand and leading him into the shower. “Is it not any quicker?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Money, darling, it’s always money. It’s quicker, but it’s more money than I’ve got.” He sighed. “So I walk it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll drive you.” He said immediately. “I can park there for free, anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Freddie asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because someone at the bottom of my bag, I’ve got a pass around Chelsea.” He grinned. “I work there, sweetheart. That’s why.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes widened. “Really?” He asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, really.” He grinned. “So if you ever have to go to A&amp;E, you’ll see me there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have been to that A&amp;E before, but it was during the daytime. It was when I had the abruption.” He explained. “With Maajid, not the other baby. They had to give me something crazy like four units because I didn’t stop bleeding for ages.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t imagine that was very fun for you.” Jim kissed the top of his head and reaching for the shampoo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t remember it all that well, I was kind of in and out of the room. I wasn’t really scared, not like I was the first time, because the first time I lost the baby and so I knew I could deal with all that again. But the first time I lost a lot more blood, I was more critical, and the baby was dead by the time they could scan for its heartbeat.” He explained. “So I knew it wasn’t quite as bad that time. They drained me and they put me on a transfusion and then- well, I know I started crying when I heard his heart.” He admitted, starting to smile, and he touched his stomach so tenderly. “I never had a scan with the first baby, and it was the first time anybody had ever scanned Maajid. But I heard- I heard his little heart going, and I knew he was fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad he survived.” He smiled. “And I’m glad you took the chance to get off all of that shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had horrendously high blood pressure. They said my blood was like glue, it was so hideous and thick because of the coke. And so when they scanned him, he was having a lot of problems, and they said they couldn’t guarantee he would survive if I kept abusing my body like that.” He said softly. “And he’s still small, but he’s hit his milestones. He’s a proper little boy, now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim leaned down and kissed the end of his nose. “And you won’t have done your own body any harm, either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Definitely not.” Freddie agreed. “They’ve been really good to me. A few weeks ago, I nearly relapsed, you know? I went out and bought it and everything, and then- I was going to do it. But I phoned the hospital first, the rehab specialist I was seeing, and he said I could come in for another scan. And they didn’t have to do that for me, but they did, and I saw him and I heard him and that’s when he had the hiccups.” He smiled. “And I didn’t do it. It’s like they helped me to reconnect with my baby, they helped me set up all those goals and intentions again, and I didn’t fucking relapse.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That little boy needs his daddy as strong and healthy as he can be.” Jim wound both arms around him and kissed him gently. “And we won’t pretend it’ll be easy, but it will be worth it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look so fucking comfortable in that.” Jim grinned, coming closer and smoothing his hands over the soft sweater he wore. “And those jeans! They look perfect on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a step up from wearing a tracksuit fastened under my stomach.” Freddie laughed, brushing a little dust from the sweater. “I really like it, Jim, I feel- I feel more proper, now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you are.” Jim leaned forwards and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I really love this colour on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s fluffy on the inside.” Freddie wrapped his arms around himself with a smile. “It feels so good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re definitely getting both of these.” He insisted, picking up their basket and arching an eyebrow over its weight. “Maybe I’ve gotten a little excited.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This baby’s going to have more sleepsuits than he could ever possibly wear.” Freddie laughed, resting a hand on his bump. “It’s a shame I’m getting these clothes when I’ve only got a couple of weeks of this left.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is the time when you’ll double in size, though.” Jim chuckled. “You won’t be able to get away with rucked up t-shirts and extra-large sweatpants for much longer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And it’s so much more comfortable wearing something that’s actually designed for me.” Freddie grinned as he sat on the footstool next to them, giving his back a moment to rest. “Touchwood, but he’s been asleep all morning, it’s definitely making this easier.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Do you want to have a drink before we go for the scan? We can rest your feet up before we go looking for furniture this afternoon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds wonderful.” Freddie took his hand and let himself be pulled up again, holding onto his hand tightly as he pressed a kiss to his jawline. “Thank you for all of this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t imagine anything else I’d rather do on my day off-” He grinned earnestly. “Than get excited over baby toys with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie Bulsara!” Honey sang, opening the door to her room and then gasping. “My God, darling, look at you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned at Jim and took his hand as he walked into the room. “Hi, Honey.” He chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve had one hell of a makeover!” She enthused, patting the bed and then walking next to him. “Can I touch your hair?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go for it.” He laughed, letting her ruffle her fingers through it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve definitely got that pregnancy glow.” She told him happily. “Your hair is lovely, your skin looks incredible, and now you’ve finally got some nice clothes as well!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s all down to Jim.” Freddie looked over at him, still stood by the doorway, and held out a hand for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you from somewhere.” She said immediately, smiling curiously. “Indulge me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Probably the break room.” He chuckled. “I work downstairs. I’m a resus consultant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do know you!” She held out a hand for him to shake. “I work in the baby ward, as you can tell, and I have the pleasure of doing all of Freddie’s scans to see how baby is coming along.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s got a name now.” Freddie told her, smiling shyly as she washed her hands and then prepared his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really have made leaps and bounds in the last fortnight.” She grinned. “What’s his name?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid.” Freddie said softly, taking Jim’s hand tightly. “M - double a - j - i - d.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid.” She repeated. “What a gorgeous name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” He grinned wider and watched as she placed the monitor against his skin, the picture suddenly lighting up on the screen. “There he is.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There he is, indeed.” Honey laughed as Jim leaned over the bed a little to see him closer. “He’s put on a lot of weight, Freddie, well done.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled proudly as he listened to the sound of his little heartbeat. “I’ve stopped smoking.” He told her. “I haven’t for nearly four weeks now. I haven’t touched anything, I haven’t even had a fucking coffee in case it makes my blood pressure spike.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s thanking you for it. He’s probably about-” She moved the monitor a little. “Four six or seven now. He’s turning into a proper little man.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s gorgeous.” Jim smiled, kissing Freddie’s knuckles distractedly. “God, it really- it really brings it home, doesn’t it? Seeing him like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All curled up.” Freddie smiled, seeming so at peace with the world in that moment. “All cozy and warm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve got that big lovely jumper to keep him warm when it starts to get cold out.” She smiled. “I think this little one is going to be born at the beginning of October.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled shyly. “Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Six and a half weeks to go.” She grinned. “Keep doing what you’re doing. He’s looking lovely and healthy these days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you ever want kids of your own?” Freddie asked, rubbing a new lotion on his stomach as he sat on the sofa. He sat cross-legged, Maajid’s little feet kicking at the top of his bump as though he were trying to chase Freddie’s fingers; he laughed and leaned back a little bit to make himself more comfortable. “You know, they tell me to count his kicks, but I always lose count.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled and placed their dinners down on the table in front of them, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he sat beside him. “I told you, darling, I can’t have kids.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but- you work in medicine, that can’t be the end of it. Aren’t there- I don’t know, hormones you can take, or some kind of fertility treatment? If you really wanted kids, I mean, it depends on what you want.” Freddie said shyly. “I just- I know that fathering someone else’s kid probably isn’t what you want in life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, darling, don’t go worrying yourself about that.” Jim chuckled. “Let’s worry about the baby in hand first of all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I almost feel bad, you know, because he’s not your kid. Even though I didn’t know you back then, I wish he was yours.” Freddie said sweetly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled and leaned up to kiss him softly. “Being someone’s dad is as much about raising a kid as it is about physically making them. If you give me the chance to look after Maajid with you, then I promise that I will be as good of a dad to him as though he was my own child.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie kissed him back happily. “What did I do to deserve you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Jim grinned. “And eat your dinner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure I shouldn’t be having this much sex.” Freddie laughed, winding his arms around Jim’s neck to kiss him again as he pressed their foreheads together. “Is it bad for the baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s no sign that hurts the baby.” Jim smiled and kissed him slowly, getting lost in the press of his lips; he lay beside him and kissed his lips again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does it freak you out when he kicks?” Freddie asked with a laugh, rubbing his stomach gently. “Can I admit something to you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sight of the toothy grin on his face made Jim’s heart swell with love. “No, darling, it doesn’t freak me out. I’ve only ever known you with him, it’s the last thing that would freak me out.” He chuckled. “What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You put him to sleep when you fuck me like that.” Freddie grinned cheekily. “I don’t know why, but you do. You put him to sleep and you make the cramp in my back go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m doing all kinds of favours for you, then.” Jim laughed. “And I get an orgasm out of it too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Make the most of it before we’ve got a newborn and I never want to fuck again.” Freddie curled up and wound both of his arms around his bump, as though he was hugging it. “I love him so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you do, sweet.” Jim kissed his forehead and grabbed Freddie a spare pillow, using it to support his stomach. “Are you giving him a middle name?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” He admitted. “I don’t know if I’d like to call him Behruz, or Jasper. Or Sami.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid Jasper Bulsara. That’s gorgeous.” Jim smiled. “Why do you like Arabic names?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jasper is Persian.” He corrected carefully. “I was born in Africa. I- my full name, it’s Farrokh. It means happy in Persian.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh!” Jim grinned. “I just assumed it was Frederick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what everyone thinks.” Freddie chuckled, resting his head on Jim’s shoulder. “No, it’s Farrokh. My parents are Zoroastrian, and the family’s got links to Iran and to India, and I’ve- I just really like the names.” He admitted. “I changed it to Freddie because people couldn’t be bothered to try and learn how to pronounce Farrokh, but- well, if I got my time again, I probably wouldn’t change it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think Maajid is a really beautiful name, you know.” He said softly. “I love how much you love that little boy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I put all of his little sleepsuits in that chest of drawers that you built me.” Freddie said softly. “I cried, Jim. He’s- he’s so real, now, it feels so soon. Now that I’ve got the baby bath in the bathroom and his little socks in the drawer, it feels- it feels like he could come any minute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s not an abstract thing in your belly anymore.” He smiled as he pressed his hand gently to his bump. “That’s a real, living baby. And before you know it, he’ll be here, and you won’t ever want to put him down again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I’ll feel empty.” Freddie said honestly. “I think I’ll feel- I don’t know, he’s the closest thing I’ve had to family in a long time. When I was in hospital, we were there for two weeks, and I just used to sit and talk to him for hours and hours. I’d make up stories about places we’d go and things we’d do, I told him I’d buy him all kinds of pretty things and everyone would think he was the most beautiful baby in the world.” He smiled. “And I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’m as close to him as I am now, because right now- every moment of the day, I’m thinking about how I can look after him, what I can do to make him comfortable, whether he’d like orange juice or apple.” He paused for a moment. “Am I crazy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not crazy, you’re pregnant.” Jim laughed and kissed his forehead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They actually psych assessed me while I was in hospital, you know, because I spent so long talking to the baby. I was withdrawing to fuck at the time, I mean, I was on the meds so it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t anything like the hits I was used to. But I was- I was incredulous, really, because suddenly I’d met this baby and he was mine.” His voice grew softer and he smiled. “And I suppose it was the first time I’d felt emotions in a really long time without the drugs. So I just talked and I talked and I talked, and eventually they thought I was fucking crazy and I was talking to all these voices I could hear. And I couldn’t hear anything, I told them that, I was just- I was just so excited at the idea that my baby could hear me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wonder if he can hear me.” Jim grinned and leaned down, pressing a kiss to his bump. “I wonder if he can hear me when I tell him I love him very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Freddie whispered in return, resting his hands over Jim’s. “I really fucking love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim glanced up at him and smiled, pressing another kiss to his bump as he locked eyes with him. “I love you both.” He replied, grinning. “I love my Freddie and I love my Maajid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grabbed him and pulled him up, wrapping his arms around him as tightly as he could. “Nobody’s ever said that to me before.” He whispered. “Nobody’s ever loved me before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s their loss, then.” Jim grinned, holding him so closely. “Because I love you very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose this answers my question of who would want an ex-junkie with a baby.” Freddie laughed and kissed his collarbone gently, settling against him. “The answer is you.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Unexpected</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's the call he doesn't expect at the end of the night shift.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was two fifty-eight on a Saturday morning and Jim was exhausted, having been on his feet since six the evening before; he felt hot, sweaty, in desperate need of a shower, in desperate need of a warm bed with Freddie cuddled up beside him. He hadn’t been back to see him in four days, having been on call for six days in a row and in desperate need of sleep in between each shift, sleep and some kind of nourishment to keep his body going; he’d called him as many times as he could, reassuring him that he loved him and he couldn’t wait for Monday morning, when he’d have a whole four days off and then could spend it curled in blankets and giggling like teenagers-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Hutton?” Honey stepped into resus and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Is this a bad time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim yawned and then smiled at her, taking a long swallow of his coffee. “Is this about bay eight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something a little different, actually.” She smiled back at him. “I’ve got a daddy and a baby upstairs who’d love to see you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyes widened immediately. “You’re joking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would I joke about this at three o’clock in the morning?” She asked, and when he looked at her again, she looked as tired as he felt inside. “The baby was born about ten minutes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit.” He threw off his gloves hastily. “Is he- is he okay? Fucking hell, he’s- he’s five and a half weeks early, is he sick? How much did he weigh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grinned back at him. “He’s fine, Jim.” She promised. “When does your shift end?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One minute.” He replied immediately. “Can you take me to see them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I can.” She held a door open for him and beckoned him down a corridor. “He’s five pounds two, so he’s very cold, but Freddie’s got him all cuddled up and his temperature’s coming up. Apart from that, he’s responsive, he’s cried, his heart rate is fine, he’s even taken a little bit from a bottle, so he’s also feeding just fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim jogged up the stairs after her, his heart beating fast. “When did he come in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Later than he should’ve.” She rolled her eyes fondly. “The ambulance was called at about midnight, but he should’ve been here from about seven.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyes met Freddie’s as soon as the door was opened, and he smiled at the sight of the little bundle against his chest; Jim could barely see him amongst the blankets tucked up all around him, around both of them. “You’re wearing your scrubs.” Freddie smiled sleepily at him, resting his cheek against the baby’s head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s so fucking irrelevant, darling.” Jim laughed, coming forward and kneeling beside the bed; he lightly pulled the blanket back from Maajid’s face and burst into the biggest smile. “Oh my God, Freddie, he’s beautiful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s so fucking little.” Freddie cuddled the baby close, his eyes drooping sleepily. “That was terrifying.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you call me?” Jim asked softly, pressing a kiss to Freddie’s forehead. “I told you, sweetheart, if anything felt wrong, then you should call me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were at work.” Freddie whispered. “And I’m thirty-four weeks, I thought- I know people say you can get phantom cramps, and I just thought it was that. I thought I was just tired and hormonal and I thought I could just sleep it off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you call an ambulance, then?” Jim rolled his eyes and kissed his lips softly. “I’m sorry I missed it, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t call the ambulance even when I had one. I- I went to your house.” He admitted shyly. “I met Jamie. He gave me some tablets that you told him were strong, and he called the ambulance for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At least you had somebody.” He smiled a little and kissed his cheek again. “How are you feeling now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to ever put him down.” Freddie whispered, resting his hand atop the blankets over his baby’s body. “But they’ve drugged me the fuck up and I’m knackered, so I might have to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s three o’clock in the morning, I’m not surprised.” Jim smiled and gently ran the pad of his finger over Maajid’s cheek as he slept against Freddie. “All those clothes we bought him, and now he’s just cuddled up naked under all these blankets.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t even think to pack a bag just yet.” Freddie admitted, curling up as best he could with his son resting against his chest. “I wanted him to have that teddy bear sleepsuit, you know the one with the ears?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do.” Jim grinned. “The fluffy brown one?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie grinned. “I don’t have anything except the clothes I was wearing when I came in, and they’re in desperate need of a wash. I need all the blankets and his toiletries and my toiletries and some fucking pajamas.” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can go and grab some bits and bobs.” Jim kissed his forehead. “I’ll bring that nice big winter blanket we bought him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you bring me the sweater you bought me last week?” Freddie asked softly. “God, we bought all those clothes and now I’m not even pregnant anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, who cares?” Jim grinned. “We’ve got a fucking baby, that’s all that matters.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie pressed a kiss to the top of Maajid’s head and yawned, readjusting him when a little fist stretched out and pressed against Freddie’s collarbone. “You’re a lot more comfortable when you’re laying on me, little one.” He whispered, looking down at his son. “Now I’ve got you all swaddled and you can’t kick me in the ribs anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled and pressed his cheek against Freddie’s shoulder, just watching their baby as he slept. “So clothes for him, clothes for you, lots of toiletries for everyone, nappies and those muslin squares, a nice warm blanket for him and a big one for you- anything else?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sweets.” Freddie smiled. “Fruit pastilles.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Deal.” Jim kissed him and stood up quickly. “I’ll have a quick shower at yours before I come back, so I won’t be there and back too quickly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine, lovely.” Freddie whispered and smiled. “Thank you for coming to see me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be back as quick as I can.” He promised. “Soon, baby. Get some sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim stroked his cheek gently, watching Freddie sleep so peacefully in the bed beside him; he leaned over and kissed his forehead as he awoke. Freddie yawned and smiled up at him, stretching out happily, though the illusion was shattered a moment later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Maajid?” He asked immediately, sitting up quickly and looking around; his breath started to speed up, frightened, panicked. “Where- where is he, Jim, what have they done with my baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey-” Jim rested a hand on his shoulder and lay him down again. “He’s down in the nursery, sweetheart. His temperature started dropping again, so they’ve put him in an incubator to warm him up and help him regulate himself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I see him?” Freddie asked immediately, trying to sit up again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to stay here for now, sweetheart. You’re still bleeding, so they’ve put you on a transfusion just as a precaution.” He kissed his forehead gently. “I think it’s because of those blood thinners you were taking to take down your blood pressure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded, though he seemed unusually frightened and quiet. “They’re not- they’re not taking him away from me, are they?” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” He promised, taking one of his hands. “No, my darling, they’re just looking after him while they get you up to a hundred percent.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie bit his lip nervously, but he nodded again. “When will I get him back?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I heard somebody was a little nervous about baby.” Honey came into the room, cradling a little bundle in her arms with a smile. “And we thought that Daddy might want to give him his first bath.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to smile again. “Can I?” He asked excitedly, taking the baby and kissing him on the forehead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course you can, sweetheart.” She went over to her station in the corner of the room and threw Jim a dressing pack. “Darling, could you do me the honours? If you could pop that over the transfusion site, and if you could tape the needle down again just to keep it stable, then it shouldn’t matter if a bit of water splashes up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Jim looked at Freddie again, his expression was transfixed, his mouth a little agape as he watched his baby. “He’s got blue eyes.” Freddie whispered, starting to smile as Maajid looked closely at him. “I didn’t- I had no idea what he was going to look like, but he’s got blue eyes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He looks just like you.” Jim smiled and leaned over his shoulder to look at the baby. “A very tiny little Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But my eyes aren’t blue.” Freddie cuddled his son close and kissed his forehead. “God, he’s gorgeous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and stood up to wash his hands, scrubbing carefully under his nails to wash away any remnants of the night spent in resus. “Give me your arm, then, darling, and I’ll cover it over so you can bathe him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie extended his arm out and watched as Jim carefully taped over the top of the tube to stabilise the needle, before he applied the dressing over the top. “You’re so gentle.” Freddie murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good!” Jim laughed. “I’d hope so, darling. I’ve been applying dressings for decades.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes I forget you’re actually a doctor, you know? Because I don’t really see you in hospital mode, it’s just an abstract thing.” Freddie admitted. “And then I remember that you know how to deal with- well, literally anything, and that makes me feel better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could scrape you off the road and put you back together again.” He winked and kissed his forehead as he helped him to sit up. “Go slow, don’t faint on me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck me, darling, I’ve done a lot worse to my body than a bit of bleeding.” Freddie took his hand and stood up, picking up his baby quickly afterwards and kissing his head. “I can’t believe he’s real.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim watched as the baby reached up and grabbed his chin, and Freddie laughed as he kissed his tiny fingers. “You’re just exploring the world, aren’t you?” Freddie smiled, following Honey into the bathroom and sitting down beside the baby bath. “Are you going to teach me?” He asked her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like me to?” She asked in return.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’d like that.” He smiled shyly. “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you do. Look at how you’re holding him, that’s perfect.” She told him. “You’ll be in a few days anyway, just because he’s so little, so now is the time to learn anything you want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled back at her, looking so grateful as he carefully knelt on the floor, Maajid safely in his arms. “I suppose I don’t let anywhere above his shoulders go under the water?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a natural.” She told him, sitting beside him, and Jim sat down on the other side of him to watch. “Lower him with two hands, and then keep one under his shoulders and his head the whole time, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do I need any body wash, anything like that?” He asked earnestly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not for now. Not until he’s about a month old, his skin is very delicate.” She explained. “Right now we’re just going to give him a rinse.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s got so much hair.” Freddie grinned as he cupped water in the palm and gently ran it over his body. “Oh, he’s smiling!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s his smile reflex.” She explained softly. “You’re lucky, some babies scream when they first go in the bath.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He likes it.” Freddie laughed, carefully running some water over the top of his head to help wash through his hair. “Why does he have so much hair?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s premature. When they don’t have enough body fat, they get lots of hair instead to keep them warm.” She smiled. “You’re doing brilliantly, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” He smiled shyly, gently rubbing his fingers over his skin to clean him as carefully as he could. He rubbed his fingers over his feet and he grinned when he wriggled his toes, turning to Jim with so much happiness behind his eyes. “I told you he had tickly feet!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nobody knows their baby as well as Daddy does.” Jim kissed his cheek gently and pushed his IV pole a little closer so that the line didn’t pull. “You’ve got him lovely and clean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do I need one of the towels now? Freddie checked, holding his baby so carefully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like a good plan.” Honey agreed, and Freddie grinned as Jim passed him the tiny hooded towel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lifted him out carefully and wrapped him up in the towel, laughing as his baby smiled again. “I thought newborns were supposed to scream?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s just happy to be with his daddy.” Honey smiled as Freddie carefully blotted the water off his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So nappy, and then his sleepsuit? Will that keep him warm enough?” He asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll start with that, we can always pop him back in the incubator if he gets cold again.” Honey reassured him. “And then I think we’ll all need some sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I definitely do.” Jim chuckled, winding his arm around Freddie’s waist. “How are you feeling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hungry, actually.” Freddie admitted, fastening his nappy and then arching an eyebrow. “These nappies are absolutely huge.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Those are designed for babies that are about two pounds heavier than Maajid, that’s why.” Honey chuckled and stood up, opening a cupboard and handing him a new nappy. “Tiny baby, try this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will his clothes fit?” Freddie asked, fastening the new one and smiling. “There we go, that fits him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We might have to roll up the cuffs.” Jim chuckled, handing him the teddy bear sleepsuit. Freddie gently dressed him, watching as he turned his little head towards his hand every time he touched his face; he stroked his cheek gently and frowned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why is he doing that?” Freddie asked quietly. “Is he okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I believe he’d like some food.” Honey smiled as they stood up, the baby safely cradled against his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to feed him?” Freddie turned to Jim and smiled shyly. “If you’re too tired, that’s fine, I just- you haven’t really gotten to hold him yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had a little cuddle with him while you were asleep.” Jim grinned. “Go on, you’re daddy, you can feed him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is he going to call you?” Freddie asked softly, suddenly pausing. “Do you want to just be Jim, or something else?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind.” He smiled, guiding Freddie back into the room and pushing his pole after him. “What do you think?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you’d be a lovely Papa.” Freddie started to smile, handing the baby over to Jim. “Would you like to be his Papa?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The smile that lit up Jim’s face was as though Freddie had gifted him the stars, the moon, the earth and everything in between; it was as though a dream of his had been fulfilled, something he’d always felt miles from. When the tears pricked at his eyes, Freddie frowned, full of concern, and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Is the name not right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s wonderful, Freddie.” He whispered. “I just- I never thought I’d have a child, and now-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s as much yours as he is mine.” Freddie cupped his cheek and stood on his toes to kiss him. “Our little Maajid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love him.” Jim smiled, lifting the baby to kiss his forehead. “This is- this is a present I never thought I’d have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to tell everyone that he has your jawline.” Freddie started to grin. “And his little nose, it’s just like yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll make me cry for real.” Jim laughed, looking up to the sky to blink away tears. “He’s absolutely gorgeous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve done more for him than I have.” Freddie kissed his cheek happily as they sat back on his bed; Freddie lay back down on his bed and curled up as he watched Jim sit with their baby. “I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Jim grinned, sitting cross-legged on the bed and cradling the baby as Honey passed him a warmed bottle. “Thanks, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re just going to keep them in for a couple more days.” Honey explained, passing Jim a coffee as he smiled gratefully. He’d barely left the hospital for three days, in between working long shifts and spending time with Freddie and the baby; he was starting to yearn for one of their homes again, some privacy, and some peace and quiet. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not the news you wanted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, God, it’s fine. You’re the professional.” He smiled, lacing his trainers as he prepared to go down to the emergency department. “Is there a problem?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, of course, we’re keeping an eye on the baby.” She said gently. “He’s been out of the incubator for a full day, but we don’t want to let him go if he’s going to get poorly at home, so we’re continuing obs and bloods on the baby. We’re just going to check he’s putting on weight, too, because that’ll help with the problem.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” Jim agreed. “Why do I sense there’s a ‘but’?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not a but! Just another consideration.” She added quickly. “Obviously, you know Freddie’s history, with the drugs and his circumstances. It’s also a safeguarding procedure, we want to know that he’s connecting with the baby fully, so that we’ve got no concerns around that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And do you?” He asked bluntly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not at the moment. You should hear him, actually, when you’re not here. He walks him up and down the ward and cradles him and tells him all these stories, he’s taken him outside a couple of times when it’s nice and warm.” She chuckled. “He absolutely loves dressing him up. Maajid’s still staying in the nursery at the moment, just so Freddie can rest properly at night, we think it’ll help the transition. He’s at a higher risk of postpartum psychosis, just because of the cocaine abuse, so we want to ease him in so he doesn’t find himself suddenly struck with severe mental health issues at this time in his life.” She confided. “But we’re going to try him staying in Freddie’s room all night, just to see how he responds to the sleep interruptions.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for taking such good care of him.” Jim smiled earnestly. “Both of them. I’m going to take a bit of time off, starting in-” He squinted at the calendar on the wall. “Nine days. I’m going to have a couple of weeks’ paternity, so I can be a bit more hands on without being fucking knackered.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think he’ll really appreciate that.” She said honestly. “He loves you very much, you know? He talks my ear off about you, what a good father you are, how you can always calm the baby when he gets frustrated, how you give the best hugs, the fact that you’re always warm. He was telling me how much he loved it that you worked nights while he was pregnant, because he’d be up all night with the baby kicking and then you’d come home and he’d want to sleep and so would you, so he didn’t feel bad about sleeping during the day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never knew that.” Jim smiled shyly. “My ex used to hate the fact that I worked nights.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s an unconventional family.” She shrugged with a laugh. “But unconventional can be best.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood by the doors, glancing through the little window at his lover; he cradled his baby close to his chest as he watched, enthralled, eyes bright and curious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is like a game of how many red phone calls I can get in one night.” Jim took a mouthful of his coffee and washed his hands quickly. “The stroke can go in bay two, the RTC in five, and the paeds trauma in nine, okay? Get someone to activate the helipad, get CT prepped for the stroke, and-” He paused, drying them off, and then turned to his team. “Get bloods for all three ready.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie watched curiously as the team dispersed, patting the baby on the back distractedly; he found it incredible how they all followed his word to the letter, never doubting him, never questioning him. The department was loud, chaotic, and yet his lover seemed completely at peace, completely in control; Freddie felt calm just watching him. He felt as though he understood his lover more, understood why it was that his mind was so tired by the end of the evening-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He jumped out the way as a stretcher bumped past him and watched as Jim leapt into action, responding, calculating, clever and yet sensitive and careful-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slipped away before he could be spotted, the baby starting to fuss in his arms, and walked back up to his department. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve just had a little walk around.” Freddie told Honey; she didn’t miss the tenderness of his hands as he bounced the baby lightly, the hand against the back of his head protecting him from the bright, fluorescent lights that would only make him fuss further. “Can I have a bottle for him? I think he’s hungry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” She agreed, taking one from the fridge and warming it for him. “You’re getting good at spotting his cues, now. Do you want him to stay with you tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can he?” Freddie asked excitedly. “Why doesn’t he cry a lot?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, of course he can, so long as you feel that you’re ready. You can always bring him into the nursery again if you feel like it gets a bit much.” She promised him. “Premature babies tend to show their signs a bit differently, so you know I taught you to look at the colour of his face and what he’s doing with his hands? He tends to do those before he cries, because his lungs are so little and it’s a lot of effort if he’s not too distressed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie took the bottle from her and sat in the chair beside her, settling him comfortably upright in his arms and then touching the lip of the bottle to his mouth. “Oh, that’s the quickest he’s latched on yet!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You made him hungry with that walk.” She chuckled, watching the gentle way his fingers ran back and forth over his side. “You know, I’m so happy you’re such a natural.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think I’d be.” He admitted. “I thought I’d be terrible. I thought I’d- well, I thought I’d get upset every time he cried, or I thought I’d get overwhelmed by how dependent he is. But I feel- I feel like I have some purpose now, and I just- when he goes into the nursery, it’s like I sleep so that it’ll be morning and then I can cuddle him again.” He smiled. “He’s really special.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re one of those people that feels that rush of love for their child. I think that everything you’ve been through together makes you closer.” She smiled. “How much you’ve willingly changed to look after him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d do it all again.” He said immediately. “I used to question if it was worth it, but- God, he’s just lovely, isn’t he?” He grinned. “And did you see the look on Jim’s face when he first fed him? We- we feel like a proper family, now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to move in with him?” She asked. “Or stay apart for now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we’ll probably end up moving in together.” Freddie smiled shyly. “Maybe somewhere a little closer to here. We’re living on Holland Road at the moment, up in Kensington, but we might move to somewhere in Chelsea so he has less of a commute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’ll good for you, as well, if you’ve got a lot of appointments for yourself and Maajid for now.” She agreed. “Do you think you’ll want another child?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie blushed and looked away with a shy smile. “One I met Jim, I really enjoyed being pregnant.” He admitted. “And I’m sure Jim would really love a child of our own one day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A little brother or sister.” She smiled. “Just don’t come in five hours into your labour next time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Deal.” Freddie laughed, voice full of warmth and love as he looked down at his baby, his little fingers stretching up towards him as he drank a little at a time. “But it didn’t work out too badly, did it?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Even More Unexpected</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The news they had never expected to receive.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“When did he get so old?” Freddie asked with a laugh, tucking the ends of his hair behind his ears as he carefully lay Maajid down on the scales. “I swear, he’ll be growing a beard and going to secondary school again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Honey laughed and rolled her eyes. “Seven pounds four!” She grinned. “Oh, what a wonderful gain!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See, I told you he was doing well!” Freddie picked up his son and played at throwing him in the air, though his hands never left their secure position on his sides. “He’s always eating, he’s got an appetite like a horse. I’m not even surprised.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s looking so healthy.” She complimented. “A month old, and he’ll just be fitting in newborn clothes now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s so exciting.” Freddie grinned. “When I was pregnant, we bought him all these newborn clothes, and we’ve had to wait a whole damn month for them to fit him. Jim took me on a little shopping spree to sample the best in tiny baby clothes.” He kissed the end of Maajid’s nose and smiled when the little boy smiled back at him. “He’s just so peaceful. I was expecting to be up a million times a night, like when he was kicking me all night, but he’s just- well, he’s woken every few hours for a feed, but he rarely gets fussy. He did fuss the first nights we moved him from box to basket, but now he’s settled right down again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And do you go to him every time he cries?” She asked, stroking the baby’s cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He admitted. “I just- I don’t like the sound of it. I know I should encourage him to sleep, but he’s so little, he shouldn’t even be out in the world just yet. And so often he cries when he’s hungry at night, I’m- well, I feed him more than I’m supposed to, really. The doctor says to keep him on a schedule of every three hours, but sometimes I feed him in the middle when he’s crying or he’s sucking on my fingers.” He smiled shyly. “And sometimes he just wants a cuddle. And I figure- the world is awfully big and scary and loud and bright, isn’t it? Sometimes I’d quite like a cuddle, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s nothing wrong with feeding him on demand as well as to the schedule, as long as he’s hungry for it. And I’m never, ever going to make you feel bad for cuddling your baby, Freddie.” She promised. “It’s lovely to know that you’re happy to dash to him in the middle of the night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim’s done quite a few nights for me.” Freddie told her, patting his little boy on the back soothingly. “He’s let me sleep through while he looks after him. It’s helping, I think, the transition and everything. I was alright after he was born, but I’m absolutely knackered again.” He admitted. “But Jim helps me, he does lots of cooking for us, he helps me clean up if I’m feeling tired, he’s never said no to giving Maajid a bottle or letting him sleep on him while I go for a shower.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s normal, Freddie, that’s a supportive partner.” She smiled encouragingly. “That doesn’t make you a bad father, it makes you both equally loving and caring.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just don’t want you to think I’m not doing enough.” He admitted, pressing a little kiss to his forehead. “I just can’t do everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nor should you. Jim’s got paternity leave for a reason.” She smiled comfortingly. “Anything that makes you both happy, and this baby healthy, that’s all I care about.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” He smiled, resting his cheek against Maajid’s head for a moment. “He’s lost most of his hair, now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because he’s thirty-nine weeks, technically, and he’s a sensible weight.” Honey chuckled. “How about you, how are you feeling? You didn’t come to your bloods appointment last week, why was that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, darling, I was so ropey.” He admitted. “I was throwing up all over the place, but Jim did my temperature and everything and I wasn’t showing signs of an infection so he made me rest.” He chuckled. “And he was right, it calmed down. But I thought you’d probably rather see me when I wasn’t going to be sick on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were being sick?” She frowned. “Can I check your stomach, if that’s okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie shrugged. “Go for it, darling.” He sat back on the bed and rested the baby against his chest, out of the way of her hands as she started to press on his stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does any of this hurt?” She asked earnestly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing hurts.” He reassured her. “Jim checked that, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure he did.” She readjusted her glasses and then pressed down on the side of his stomach again. “You do feel a little bit swollen. It’ll probably be a very minor swelling where your abruption was, just while it heals, but I’d like to just check there’s no signs of anything else on the scan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go for it.” He pulled his shirt up a little and chuckled when she brought out the ultrasound. “Oh, the memories!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” She laughed, spreading the gel on his stomach. “These are miracle devices, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t doubt it.” He agreed, rubbing Maajid’s back to encourage him to fall asleep. “Does it all look okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She moved it down to both sides of his stomach, watching quietly, and Freddie frowned immediately when she didn’t respond. “Honey, what are you thinking?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you had much unprotected sex recently?” She asked bluntly. “Since you had the baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Once or twice.” He blushed and bit his lip. “I haven’t- I haven’t injured myself, have I? The doctor said to just listen to my body, he said I’d know when I was ready for all that again-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused when a sound, a tiny little sound, started to beat through the room; his jaw fell open and he propped himself up on one elbow immediately, staring at the monitor. “No.” He replied quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do a test to be sure-” She started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Am I fucking pregnant?” Freddie asked, starting to laugh. “You’re kidding me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is possible.” She raised her hands in surrender, but grinned shyly. “It’s rare, but it is possible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim’s infertile.” He blurted out, his eyes wide as he sat up quickly. “He can’t have kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Clearly he was having a bad day when he was tested.” She chuckled and cleaned off his skin. “Or you’ve been getting it on with someone else, but I highly doubt that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, God, only him since I was about thirty weeks with Maajid.” He grinned, his eyes bright and excited. “Am I having another baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She washed off her hands and laughed. “Give me your arm, give me some blood, and I’ll give you an answer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi, darling.” Jim leaned over the gear stick and kissed his cheek, smiling instinctively at how happy Freddie looked. “I take it everything was okay? How much did he weigh this time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seven pounds four.” Freddie leaned in and kissed him properly. “She says he’s doing really well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good!” He grinned wider. “It’s all that night feeding. Speaking of which, I went to Tesco to buy some more formula, but I couldn’t remember the one-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-” Freddie started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know you always have to remind me, I can never remember if it’s Aptamil or SMA. I have the memory of a goldfish, I told you.” He chuckled. “I considered buying both-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-” He interrupted again, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you think it’s an indulgence, but then I didn’t want to buy that one that upset his stomach and made him sick everywhere, so I thought I wouldn’t.” He explained. “So if we could just stop by Tesco on the way home-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim!” Freddie grabbed his shoulder more tightly, nearly kneeling in his seat in an attempt to be closer to his lover. “I got some other fucking news, listen to me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, darling.” He laughed, a little self deprecating. “You’re better at remembering, I didn’t want to just spring that on you once we’d gotten home. What’s the news?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie faltered for a moment, so surprised by his own shyness, and then smiled again as he looked up at him. “I’m pregnant.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie had never before seen the air knocked from his lungs, but the incredulousness with which he looked at Freddie was so beautifully endearing that he swore he would see it again for every moment of his life hereon. “You’re-” He paused for a moment, as though tasting the word on his tongue for the first time in his life. “You’re pregnant?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant.” He repeated, his smile only widening. “And the only person I’ve slept with in the last three months is you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God-” Jim whispered, covering his mouth. “You’re pregnant?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant.” He grinned back at him, bursting out laughing when Jim tore off his seatbelt, running out of his side of the car and hauling Freddie out of his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re pregnant.” He laughed, cupping both of Freddie’s cheeks. “You’re pregnant- you’re pregnant with my baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re having a baby.” Freddie whispered, squealing aloud when Jim picked him up and swung him in the air; he laughed until his lungs hurt, screeched until his throat was sore, and wound his arms and legs around his boyfriend. “I- I’m clearly the most fucking fertile person ever, I mean-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You counteracted something in me.” Jim laughed, the rainwater starting to soak through the ends of his hair as it dripped down Freddie’s nose. “You- you’re really pregnant?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had a blood test done.” Freddie smiled shyly, taking one of Jim’s hands and pressing it flat to his stomach. “Just big enough to be seen on a scan. Three weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Three weeks.” He echoed, incredulous, cupping what he could of his stomach in his hand. “Your poor body.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No respite.” Freddie laughed, wrapping his arms around Jim’s neck to kiss him. “We’re having a baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re having a fucking baby!” Jim laughed, kissing him so lovingly, so passionately, as they stood there intertwined in the rain. “My baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not that broken after all, you bastard.” Freddie laughed and kissed him again, long and slow. “You can put a fucking condom on next time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lesson learned.” He grinned, rubbing his stomach. “We’re having a baby, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We are, darling.” He pecked his lips once more and then looked over his shoulder at Maajid in his car seat. “But first of all, I feel as though this one needs a trip to Tesco.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Oil Paints</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hopes and dreams.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jim wondered how long there had been any distance at all between Freddie and Maajid since they’d come home; he rocked the baby bouncer with his foot as he cooked, curled with him while he drank tea, and lay long into the night with his little one cuddled up to his chest until his baby was fast asleep. He had refused to use the pram just yet, instead preferring to juggle his little boy with whatever he was trying to carry around; more often than not, Jim was subjected to bag after bag as they walked the streets of Knightsbridge together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nearly dropped his mug when he wandered into the nursery to find the baby in his box, Freddie dressed in an old pair of overalls and wielding a paintbrush in one hand; Maajid seemed to watch the movement of his father’s hand as though he could understand what he was crafting on the wall before him. “What’s going on in here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced over at him, and Jim couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on his face as he saw the paint that had splattered its way over his cheeks. “I’m painting, darling.” He replied happily, stepping back from the wall to reveal the beginnings of a mural. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never knew you could paint.” Jim came up behind him and admired his deft brushstrokes, gently resting a hand on his waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Moosh is helping.” Freddie joked and leaned up to kiss his cheek, standing back to admire his own work. “I’m doing it all monochrome, different shades of grey. It’s going to be a misty mountain scene.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, gorgeous!” Jim grinned and pulled him into a proper kiss. “Moosh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Persian.” He laughed softly, resting a hand on his stomach. “Moosham. Little mouse.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s so adorable.” Jim started to laugh and pulled him closer. “Is that what you want to call the baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, just a little nickname.” Freddie glanced over his shoulder at Maajid and grinned widely. “I never nicknamed Maajid, he was always just baby, but I thought it’d be easier if we had Maajid and Moosh instead of baby and baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too many babies in this house.” He chuckled, kissing Freddie’s forehead gently. “Your body is just going to shrink back down, and then you’re going to shoot back up again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t complain.” Freddie grinned and wound his arms around Jim’s neck, kissing his lips gently. “You know, I’m really enjoying being pregnant this time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve only known three days.” Jim laughed, holding him happily in his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know.” He rolled his eyes playfully. “But- God, this sounds ridiculous, I know, but it’s different being pregnant when you’ve got somebody who’s excited about your baby.” He admitted, his smile shy. “And it’s so early, I’m not even feeling sick yet. The sickness I had with Maajid was absolutely awful, but that was probably also the fact that I was constantly withdrawing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m very excited for our baby.” Jim grinned and kissed his forehead again. “And I’m here for the whole time, this time. I’ll be here for however long you let me crash in your house.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not crashing here, darling.” Freddie’s voice softened and he leaned up to brush Jim’s hair back into place. “You’re my boyfriend, this is our baby, it’s not crashing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I much prefer living here. It’s- I don’t know how to describe it, love, but this whole house feels comforting. It feels like your personal project.” He moved quickly when he heard the sound of Maajid’s little fist hitting the side of his box, Freddie immediately swooping close and cuddling the little boy to his chest. “And, of course, my house doesn’t have the sound of a lovely little newborn.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A fussy little newborn.” Freddie grinned and pressed his cheek to the top of his baby’s head as he cradled him in his arms. “One of the mothers at the hospital told me that I was going to spoil him if I kept cradling him like this all the time, and I- well, is that true?” He asked nervously. “She said he’ll never sleep normally if I treat him like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s talking shit, darling, in my professional opinion.” He joked. “I wouldn’t believe anybody who says you’ll spoil a baby. He’s so little, and we’re the only people in the whole world that he knows, and he needs us for everything. Even if he’s just lonely or needing a cuddle, that’s exactly what he needs you for.” He pressed a little kiss to the baby’s head and smiled. “I think it just shows that you love him very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to take him for a little while?” Freddie offered. “I’d- well, I’d like to finish off my painting if that’s okay with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim took the baby and cuddled him close, loving how close the baby instinctively clung to him. “I think we’ll both watch you.” He grinned, sitting down in the rocking chair by the window and moving them both gently back and forth. “I love the grey you’ve chosen for the rest of the room.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to get him a proper crib.” Freddie told him, eyes bright and excited as he knelt on the floor again. “And a nice little insert for it to keep him cozy. I’m worried about him getting cold at night once October hits. And- I’ve seen this adorable little mobile, it’s little fluffy clouds that hang above the crib, and I thought that would be perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve already got this lovely chair.” He continued to rock back and forth, yawning himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to paint that white.” Freddie told him. “And I’m going to set up a little changing station on top of the chest of drawers, and I’m going to get a nice grey rug for the floor, and some white curtains, and a diffuser for him, and-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got this all planned out, haven’t you?” Jim grinned. “All we’ll need is a new crib when the baby comes, you’ll already have the nursery sorted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I get excited as soon as I have money.” He admitted, tracing the outline of the mountain he’d sketched with a thick brush, creating gentle, fluid lines on his walls. “I get a little bit more now that I’ve had the baby, and I- God, I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed to tell you!” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You could tell me that you’d bought an expensive array of sex toys and I’d probably be unfazed.” Jim joked. “What did you get?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I was younger, before I got into the coke, I always wanted to be an artist.” He admitted shyly. “I was going to study it in Ealing, but- well, I never ended up going. But even when I was high, I used to love painting. I never really got into begging and stealing and selling - I mean, you know, I did it when I was desperate, but I never got into it. I had a set of markers and a sketchbook in my backpack and I used to be one of those street artists, I used to do portraits of people for a couple of quid at a time. I could make more money in a day selling portraits than I could when I slept with people, so I never really lost that love for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel as though there’s more to this story.” Jim grinned, patting Maajid on the back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bought some oil paints and a canvas when I got the money through for Maajid.” He admitted. “I just thought- you know, since I got off the drugs, I haven’t really felt inspired to do anything. But I thought that I’d just try painting something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you paint?” He asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I painted you.” Freddie whispered shyly. “But you can only see your lips, and the rest of your head is obscured by this- this cloud, it’s blue and red and yellow and white, and it looks like you’re dissolving into this vision of natural vibrant colours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You painted me?” He grinned. “And I didn’t even get to see it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I sold it to Catto.” Freddie interrupted him, starting to grin widely. “They’re a proper fine art gallery, and they wanted it, and they paid me a good few hundred pounds for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Jim smiled brightly. “Baby, that’s incredible!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had someone try to commission me through them. And I said- well, I haven’t said yes or no, I just told them I’d have to wait a week or two because of the baby, and they were really understanding. But I thought I’d speak to you first, because- if you want me to get a proper job, darling, that’s fine. I don’t mind, I can go and pour coffee or wash dishes and actually contribute a bit more money to the house.” He spoke quickly. “Art is so unpredictable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim stood up and sat down beside him, pressing the most tender and loving kiss to his temple. “My darling, if you want to paint, and people want to pay you to paint for them, why bother getting a ‘proper’ job?” He asked softly, cupping Freddie’s cheek. “Art is a proper job if you can make money from it. It means you can spend more time with Maajid while you’re working at home, it means you won’t have to be on your feet all day- and that’s really important, darling, especially because you’ve had the abruptions before. The last thing I need is for your blood pressure to go sky high.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it safe to paint when you’re pregnant?” He asked suddenly, sounding so naïve. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I’d suggest airing out the room you’re painting so you’re not sniffing turps hours upon hours a day.” He said gently. “But you also don’t have to do it on days if you’re not feeling well, or you can do half days, or you can sleep in as much as you need to. It sounds like a wonderful idea.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I paint you properly?” Freddie asked hopefully, his eyes brightening as he turned into his lover’s arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paint me?” Jim grinned. “Of course you can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing more soothing than the feeling of Freddie curled up against him. There was nothing Jim loved more than the feeling of his cheek pressed to his chest, even through the sweater he was wearing, even when the blankets wound around the both of them made his skin feel scorching; he adored the feeling of Freddie curled up to him, the baby sound asleep against him after his evening bottle, talking languidly about oil paints, acrylics, pencils, smudges of blue and green.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some evenings Freddie would take one of his arms, spending hours tracing the lines of his veins and turning them into the branches of the forest in his mind, gorgeous petal blossoms and vines of ivy winding around the bones in his wrists; some evenings he would draw scenes of the sky, clouds littering his skin, interspersed with the rays of the setting sun and the silhouette of a hot air balloon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim had started to take photos of his artwork, pinning them to the wall near the dining table; Freddie had covered it with his paints, a little makeshift studio near enough to the kettle to keep up the insatiable appetite he had for Earl Grey. Every morning, he came downstairs to make the drinks and saw the artwork on the wall, and every morning, it filled his heart with joy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That evening, Freddie had fallen asleep halfway through drawing the planets up the length of his arm; his pen had slipped as he’d diligently inked the rings of Saturn, and Jim had watched the slow droop of his eyelids as his weight had laid heavily against him. Jim chuckled as he brushed Freddie’s hair from his eyes, repositioning them just a little. “Tired much, baby?” He teased, though he knew he was too asleep to hear him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid looked up at him, little eyes focusing on his face, and a little hand stretched upwards towards him. Jim’s smile only widened as he carefully prised Freddie’s fingers from the baby’s body, lifting the baby and settling him so that they were nose-to-nose; he pressed the softest, most gentle little kiss to Maajid’s forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed softly as Maajid grasped his finger tightly, his heart swelling with love for the baby, the little boy with the beautiful, curious blue eyes and the dark hair that was sprinkled across his head like confetti, celebrating the little miracle. “We’re going to look after you, sweetheart.” Jim whispered. “We’re going to keep you safe and warm and pretty, you know? We love you so much, we’re going to love you forever and ever, for the rest of our lives.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes opened a crack at the sound of his lover talking, and he glanced upwards, pillow creases drawn on his face by the wrinkles in Jim’s shirt. At the sight of Maajid all cuddled up to Jim, clutching onto him, and smiling as though his whole world was complete, Freddie gasped loudly; he squealed a moment later when his leg slipped off the sofa.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Jim laughed, hauling him closer in the little space they had; Maajid watched as Freddie curled back up against him, reaching and grasping at Freddie’s nose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look so adorable together.” Freddie grinned, scrunching his nose playfully. “He’s got strong little fingers these days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Imagine the day when I’ve got Maajid and you’ve got the baby, what a sight we’ll be then!” Jim joked. “He’ll just be learning to walk when you have Moosh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be bumps and bruises and bottles all at the same time.” Freddie chuckled, rubbing his stomach idly. “It’s strange to know there’s a baby in there, but it’s not kicking me. I got so used to Maajid’s little feet.” He grinned, tickling the soles of his baby’s feet. “I almost don’t feel pregnant, but I know I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s the size of a poppy seed.” Jim grinned. “You got used to having a melon in your belly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really want this to go well.” He whispered. “I really- I really don’t want to have any complications this time. I can’t imagine having another abruption.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll keep you as healthy as we can.” Jim promised. “I’m sure you’ll be just fine, especially now you’ve had Maajid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You-” Freddie’s cheeks flushed a little and he took one of Jim’s hands shyly. “Darling, you won’t- you won’t leave me, will you, if I lose the baby? I know that you really want it, and I do too, but I- you know I lost my first baby, and it could happen again.” He bit his lip. “I mean- of course, it’s totally up to you, but- well, I’m happy to try again if it does happen, just- please don’t leave.” He admitted, his voice quiet, ashamed, and shy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, sweetheart, don’t you worry about that.” Jim murmured, kissing his forehead soothingly. “I’m not going to leave you, darling. Even if you- and I’m sure you won’t, baby, but if you do lose the baby, I won’t blame you. It’s a stress on your body so soon, and so- well, if it does happen, then we’ll have to deal with it then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at him when he settled a hand against his stomach, pulling up his sweater a little so that he could press his hand to his bare skin. “I really want this to be perfect.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And it can be.” He grinned back at him, kissing his lips long and loving and slow. “But let’s not focus on perfect, darling. Let’s focus on healthy for now.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Sunrise Walks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Being supported.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A fun lil Sunday night chapter for you all!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was five o’clock in the morning when he got home, smiling to himself as he put the key in the lock; every morning was so variable, whether he’d come home to Freddie fast asleep, Maajid in his Moses basket beside him, or whether Maajid would be curled up in his arms with the first warm bottle of the morning. Some mornings, Freddie would’ve already had the kettle whistling on the stove, breakfast in the oven; some mornings, Daddy and baby would be curled up in bed together, enjoying being cuddled where they both felt warm, both felt safe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He adored coming home to a house that felt alive, to a house that was full of love and warmth; he loved that Freddie would sleep with him if he was still exhausted from waking up for the baby through the night. Even if Freddie was awake, he would lay with his lover until he had settled to sleep before he got up: every time Jim fell asleep, he felt valued, he felt loved, he felt appreciated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He dropped his bag on the floor in the hallway, rubbing his eyes sleepily as he kicked off his shoes and listening for any signs of life in the house. He climbed the stairs quietly, not wanting to wake Maajid if they were both still asleep, and frowned a little when he saw the bathroom door was ajar and the light was on; he came closer to the door and glanced in quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie had both of his arms resting on the toilet, his cheek pressed to his bicep, and he gave Jim a half-smile from where he sat. “Morning.” He murmured roughly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Morning, darling.” Jim replied, coming and sitting down beside him; he wound an arm around his waist and Freddie leaned against him exhaustedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I remembered I’m pregnant.” He murmured, resting his forehead against Jim’s collarbone. “Sorry, I probably smell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled a little and rubbed his waist, attempting to make him as comfortable as possible. “I really don’t mind, sweetheart.” He kissed the top of Freddie’s head gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes and snuggled up to him. “I’m only four weeks, this is really early.” He whispered, rubbing his eyes. “Maybe that’s what happens when you actually eat like a human while you’re pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Or maybe it’s not morning sickness.” Jim pointed out, letting his hand fall down to Freddie’s stomach and gently rubbing it. “Does it feel like it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I just started feeling sick.” He admitted. “By the time I paid attention to Maajid it had all stopped, I can’t really tell you about what happened to begin with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim reached up for the glass on the sink and filled it, helping Freddie to take a few sips of water. “How much sleep did you manage to get, darling?” He asked softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About an hour and a half.” He laughed, though it was so tired there was barely any humour behind it. “I was just thinking too much to fall asleep, and then Maajid wanted a bottle and even though I kept all the lights off he was still wide awake, so he took ages to settle again, and then I dozed for a bit, and then he started to cry again because he was cold, and then I started feeling sick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby.” Jim murmured lovingly. “Why don’t we-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He broke off at the sound of cries from the bedroom and Freddie hauled himself up exhaustedly; Jim caught him quickly when he stumbled a little. “I think you should lay down.” He whispered, winding an arm around his waist and helping him back to bed. “I’m not tired enough to sleep yet, darling, so I’ll look after him for a little while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie brought the blanket over his shoulder as he watched Jim pick up the baby, patting his back gently. “Is that okay?” He asked quietly. “You’ve been at work-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I get to spend time with my baby, of course it’s okay.” Jim chuckled, resting his cheek against Maajid’s head. “I might take him for a little walk around the block, see if I can get him to settle. I love going for walks with him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled at the sight of both of them and closed his eyes leisurely. “Can you pick up teabags, darling, please?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I must admit, my love, that was a motive behind our walk.” Jim grinned and lay Maajid down on the bed when he had calmed a little. He retrieved a sleepsuit from the drawer they kept spare pieces in and changed him quickly, blowing a raspberry on his stomach to make him squeak; he laughed as he coaxed his arms into a little jacket to keep him warm, and pulled little socks onto his feet. “There we go, nice and warm!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to smile wider. “Can you pick up some sugar, too?” He asked softly. “And some milk, we’re out. And some ice cream?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, darling.” Jim rested Maajid against his shoulder and chuckled at how quickly his grumbles soothed. “What flavour would you like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mint chocolate chip.” Freddie’s smile turned toothy and happy as he snuggled up amongst his blankets. “I love you, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” He winked, holding Maajid carefully and waving one of his little arms. “And baby loves you as well!”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie knelt on the ground and gripped the ends of his hair, artfully twisting every odd end up into a bun so that he didn’t have to keep blowing it out of his face with every stroke of his paintbrush; when he stretched up, the skin of his stomach pulled taut again, and he couldn’t help smiling as his hands flew straight to his belly. Though he knew the bump remained from his body caring for Maajid, it felt almost as though it was preparing itself to grow again, to stretch again, to care and nourish and protect another little one; it felt as though he already had his bump back, and this time he had the time to appreciate it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled as he smoothed a hand over his skin, pulling up his sweater just slightly to touch the cool skin beneath; he sat cross-legged on the floor, only letting go of his body to retrieve the half-tube of acrylic that was threatening to leak onto the wooden floor beneath him. He screwed on the cap and picked up his palette instead, dotting his favourite rose quartz shade onto the apples of the cheeks of his portrait; he smiled wider, oh-so-pleased with the result.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re home!” Jim sang as he came through the doorway, brandishing six bags of shopping that he’d balanced on the handles of the pram; Maajid lay fast asleep, his little fist pressed up against his mouth, soothed by the bumps in the North Kensington roads.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s about time. I was thinking you’d upped and abducted him.” Freddie joked, standing up off of the lounge floor and pressing a quick kiss to Jim’s cheek. “I’m glad you’re home, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed him on the lips and grinned. “We went to Tesco and I got excited. I never get to go to big supermarkets, they’re always closed when I’m awake.” He chuckled. “So long story short, I bought everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, what does everything include?” Freddie asked, standing instinctively with a hand on his stomach as Jim carried the shopping into the kitchen. “I’m going to let the baby sleep a little while in his pram.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like a wonderful idea.” Jim wound an arm around his waist and kissed his temple gently. “Everything includes three different types of ice cream, biscuits, these weird pretzel things that look tasty, about four different types of crisps, this fancy cat food that I thought Goliath would like, another thing of baby formula just in case, another pack of nappies, a thing of baby wipes - I also bought him a sleepsuit for when he’s bigger, just because it was on sale and I thought it was adorable.” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How the hell did you get all of that back from Tesco with a baby?” Freddie laughed, stealing the mint chocolate chip ice cream and digging straight into it with a spoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, easy! It wore us both out, we needed the walk.” Jim stole a spoonful with a wink, and then pulled a face. “I’ve never been a fan of ice cream that tastes like toothpaste.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it might be Moosh’s thing.” Freddie grinned as he rubbed his stomach. “I’m weirdly happy for someone who’s slept three hours in the last thirty-six and spent half the night throwing his guts up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll put it down to that pregnancy glow.” He laughed, resting his hands on Freddie’s waist as he kissed him leisurely. “You’ve brushed your teeth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, because I don’t taste like sick?” He asked with a grin. “It’s the minty ice cream, my sweet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fucking gross.” Jim snorted with laughter. “Mask the scent of sick with ice cream.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m afraid you’re not ready for parenthood if you think that’s gross.” Freddie grinned as he stood up, grabbing the new canister of formula milk and getting to work preparing a few bottles. “You were good to get this, actually, I’ve only got a bottle or two left in the other tub.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Magic.” Jim grinned. “I made a list before I went, my love. I promise I’m more organised than you think I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really are perfect, aren’t you?” Freddie asked with a sweet smile. “I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, my darling.” Jim wound his arms around him and kissed him softly, indulging in the softness of his lips. “You know, I’ve never known you when you’re not pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m a total bitch.” Freddie joked, wrapping his arms around Jim’s neck. “There was about three weeks in between having Maajid and you knocking me up again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t count, you were postpartum hormonal.” Jim chuckled and stroked his cheek. “I really like your hair, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you should come and see my painting!” Freddie started to grin wider. “I promise, my darling, you’re going to love it.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Returning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He goes home.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I got jealous of the baby, getting to have all these baths.” Freddie grinned and let his shoulders slip under the water, his eyes closing leisurely; Jim’s eyes raked his body as he closed the bathroom door softly behind him, appreciating how relaxed and happy he truly looked. His lover approached the bathtub, socks quiet on the tiles beneath, and Freddie smiled as he looked up into the earnest expression on his face. “Don’t worry, darling, Honey said I could have one as long as I kept it warm, not hot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sat on the side of the bath and grinned, leaning down to kiss him softly. “You look lovely.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel lovely.” He replied, reaching out to undo the first few buttons on Jim’s shirt. “I’d feel more lovely if you were in here with me, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim quirked an eyebrow as Freddie sat up and pushed his shirt off his shoulders. “You want me to take a bath with you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve never taken a bath with somebody before?” Freddie teased, fingers nimble on his belt buckle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, darling, I haven’t.” Jim chuckled, toeing off his socks and letting Freddie unbutton and unzip his trousers. He kicked them off, along with his briefs, and held out a hand for him; Freddie grinned wider. “Come on, then, shove over and let me in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood up for a moment and then sat himself comfortably in Jim’s lap, head resting back against his shoulder; he almost purred when Jim rested his hands either side of his stomach, the biggest smile coming across his face. “That’s your baby.” He murmured softly, lips pressed to his jaw. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned. “God, don’t.” He blushed. “I still can’t believe it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s true! That’s our little baby, he’s yours and he’s mine. We made him together.” Freddie said sweetly, leaning up to kiss his lips softly. “You’ve made a baby with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” Jim asked, his grin soft and excited. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d put money on it being a boy. I seem to have a talent for making boys.” Freddie closed his eyes happily as Jim cupped water and trailed it over his chest, warming the skin beneath his fingers. “My first baby was a boy, too. He-” His eyes suddenly opened again and he went quiet for a moment, taking Jim’s hand. “I went through labour with him too, you know? Because it was a late miscarriage, he- he was real, he was a proper baby, even though he was so tiny. I think that’s why I didn’t go to the hospital when I knew Maajid was coming.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” He asked, softening his voice, so tender as he touched Freddie’s stomach again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was horrible.” He admitted. “Because- because the first time, I was having the baby and I was fucking haemorrghing at the same time, and I was in the emergency department and it was so loud and there were so many people and no one spoke to me, I know they were fixated on trying to save me, but I was- I was losing my baby, I thought I was going to die. And I knew Maajid was early, and I was thought it was going to happen again, that I was going to keep bleeding and bleeding and that he was going to die because he was early, and I thought I couldn’t cope with all the noise and feeling that fucking scared again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, darling.” Jim murmured, kissing the top of his head soothingly. “Was it better this time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The first appointment I had with Honey, I told her everything.” He whispered. “She was really good to me, she kept the room nice and quiet for me, she dimmed the lights and everything so that everything didn’t feel quite so overwhelming. She made sure all the doctors told me what they were doing, too, especially when he was first born and they were checking he was alive, they told me all the checks they were doing and they kept reassuring me that I would have him in just a second, and then they didn’t try to take him away again once we were cuddling, even when his temperature went low, they warmed both of us up together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you were happy with how they treated you.” Jim rubbed his stomach gently. “Would you like to stay with them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I really trust Honey.” He started to smile again. “Sorry for being depressing, darling, it’s just- sometimes I remember what happened, and it’s like it hits me all over again.” He admitted. “I was really miserable for a long time after it happened, I think it’s probably one of the reasons I stayed on the coke after it. Sometimes it would make me feel ten times worse, and sometimes it would make me feel like I could take on the world, I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to apologise to me.” Jim said lovingly. “I’m your boyfriend, Freddie, I love you. And especially now you’re having our baby, I want to know these things so that I can help you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you want to be there when our baby comes?” Freddie asked softly. “I don’t know if you’d want to, it’s all messy and painful. It’s not really the experience I thought it would be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, sweetheart, I work in the emergency department. I’m not put off by anything like that.” He chuckled. “It’s our baby, my darling, of course I’d want to be there with you. I’d want to be there to look after you, no matter what.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to smile a little. “Really?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, really.” Jim chuckled. “What kind of father would I be if I didn’t want to be there for my own baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie fell quiet again and threaded his fingers between Jim’s, squeezing them gently. “I think I’m going to go and see my father.” He said softly. “Because he- he always said I could go back, he always said I could go and see them again when I was ready to. And Maajid- that’s his grandson, it might be their first grandchild, I doubt my sister’s had any.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think he’d love to meet him.” He agreed, kissing Freddoe’s forehead. “Would you like me to come with you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie blushed and looked up at him. “I think you’d give me some more credibility.” He grinned shyly. “I promise I’ve got my life on track, my boyfriend’s a consultant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and curled up a little, pulling Freddie closer. “You don’t need any credibility from me, you’ve done most of this by yourself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My baby wouldn’t be asleep in a John Lewis sleepsuit if I’d been left by myself.” Freddie chuckled, kissing the wet skin on his shoulder. “I wouldn’t have been able to create him a lovely nursery. And I doubt I’d be half the father I am if I didn’t have you to take him on walks to let me sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and kissed his lips gently. “I love you so much.” He whispered. “I love you both so, so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Freddie wound an arm around his waist as though they were snuggling together in bed. “I’m so happy you wanted me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so happy you let me in.” Jim whispered, holding him close and tight. “Thank you, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie cradled Maajid against his chest, the tiny baby clutching onto his sweater to keep him close; he rubbed his hand up and down his back, helping him to sleep as he walked down the street. “Are you sure I look okay?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re wearing a t-shirt and jeans, Freddie, you look lovely.” Jim chuckled, winding his arm around his waist to comfort him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird to fit back into these jeans.” Freddie admitted with a shy smile, looking down at himself. “I feel like I look less pregnant every day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do. You’ve bounced right back.” Jim chuckled. “I wouldn’t say you’d had a baby seven weeks ago.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take the compliment.” Freddie grinned a little. “We’ll put it down to the coke addict metabolism.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rolled his eyes playfully. “I bet you look a hell of a lot better than you did back then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not wrong. I looked like a fucking skeleton, it was hideous. It’s an appetite suppressant, and when we were chasing hit after hit after hit, we didn’t want to waste money on food. When I went to the hospital with Maajid and I stayed in, they were literally feeding me the same stuff they were feeding the people on inpatient for low body weight, I was eating three meals a day, three snacks, and they gave me unlimited access to these shake things. They had a banana one that they used to give me hot, that was to die for.” He laughed. “Needless to say, as soon as I got off the coke and got through the withdrawal, I was fucking starving all the time, so I used to drink it like you’re supposed to drink water.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I’m glad you did.” Jim kissed his cheek. “What number do your parents live at?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Twelve.” He replied shyly, stopping outside the front door. “They’ve painted it red.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What colour did it used to be?” He asked softly, taking his hand when they ascended the steps. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Blue.” Freddie kissed Maajid’s head, more to comfort himself, and then knocked on the bottom of the door with his shoe. “My heart’s going like crazy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stood together for a long few moments before the door opened with a click; Jim swore that nobody breathed for a moment as Freddie took in the sight of the man before him, and the man stared back at him. Freddie swallowed hard, hands coming up to hold his son securely, and then he tried for his best smile. “Papa?” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The man started to grin, and Freddie quickly handed the baby to Jim; he could only smile as he watched Freddie fly into his arms. “Jer!” He called, laughing as he hugged Freddie closely. “Jer, darling, come here!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled and bounced Maajid in his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “You said I could come back.” Freddie whispered. “You said I could- you said I come home, once I’d sorted myself out, when I was ready to be an adult. And I- I have, I wanted to prove to you I have, I want to come back, I want-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was true.” He replied, holding Freddie closely. “Freddie, I really- I almost never expected you to come home, but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m clean.” Freddie promised. “I’ve been clean for four months, I haven’t touched anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I knew you could do it.” Jim watched as his father kissed his forehead so tenderly, only moving aside as his mother pushed past them both, almost knocking Freddie over with the enthusiasm behind her hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re never allowed to leave, ever again.” She told him, hugging him tight. “God, Freddie- I love you so much, you’re never leaving again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed and held onto her, resting his forehead on her shoulder. “I love you, Ma.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that?” She pulled back and grinned, kissing the end of his nose. “I’m so glad you’ve come home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you might want to meet some people that have helped me the last few months.” Freddie smiled over at Jim and bit his lip shyly. “Can we come in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother’s scream reverberated off the walls of the houses opposite them at the sight of the baby in Jim’s arms; she covered her mouth, so excited, her eyes so bright and alive. “Who’s this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let them in, darling, we’ll talk more inside.” Bomi chuckled, beckoning them both into his house; Freddie kicked off his shoes just inside the front door and took Maajid from Jim, pressing a quick kiss to his lips in thanks. He took Jim’s hand as they walked through into the lounge, sitting down on one of the sofas with the baby in his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is Maajid.” Freddie smiled when his mother came over and sat on the arm of the sofa beside him, watching the baby as he smiled and stretched. “He’s seven weeks old.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, what a darling!” She leaned down and stroked his little cheek, laughing when he instinctively tried to suck her finger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He was born about five and a half weeks early, he’s still very little.” Freddie said softly. “I had him back at the end of August.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did he keep you clean?” She asked softly. “Can I hold him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“With Jim’s help.” Freddie looked over at his lover once he had given his mother the baby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, I was hoping I’d be introduced to the handsome stranger!” Bomi commented with a laugh as he brought a pot of tea into the room, along with a tray of mugs, a jug of milk and a pot of sugar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is my boyfriend, Jim.” Freddie grinned shyly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s lovely to meet you.” Jim smiled earnestly and leaned up to shake his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s even more lovely to meet you.” He winked, pouring himself tea. “Freddie Bulsara with a boyfriend. I thought I’d never see the day Freddie actually settled down with someone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and wound an arm around Freddie’s waist, pulling him closer. “I’m glad I earned that trophy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rolled his eyes and smacked Jim’s leg playfully. “Jim’s a doctor.” He boasted happily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A doctor?” His mother asked happily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m a consultant at the A&amp;E department in Chelsea.” Jim told her, pecking Freddie’s cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that where you met?” Bomi asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He was my neighbour.” Freddie laughed. “He told me off for smoking while pregnant, and I fell in love with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and kissed his cheek. “He moved in over the road from me and I helped him get his house in check, because he was already thirty weeks when I met him and I didn’t want him to injure himself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where’s your house, darling?” Jer questioned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holland Road.” Freddie smiled shyly. “One of the little two bed places. I wanted to have somewhere proper that I could set up for myself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad you’re doing better.” Bomi grinned. “Have you got a job?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I only had a baby seven weeks ago!” Freddie laughed. “I’m selling some of my paintings. I got displayed at Catto, so now I’m getting commissioned to do some art for people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jer rocked the baby back and forth as she smiled. “I feel like so much has changed since the last time I saw you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s probably a good thing.” Freddie chuckled and curled up under one of Jim’s arms. “It’s about to change even more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why, darling?” Bomi asked curiously, taking the baby from Jer to have his share of cuddles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at Jim and smiled shyly. “I’m actually having another baby.” He said softly. “It was- it was an accident, really, but we’re having a baby next summer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re prolific!” Bomi laughed, but his voice was full of love. “Second child together within as many months.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid isn’t mine.” Jim corrected gently. “But still, I love him very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As you should. He’s simply adorable.” Jer joked. “I’m happy for you both, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Mama.” Freddie smiled, resting his hand on his stomach and rubbing it back and forth gently. “I think life is really starting to take a turn for the best.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for all the love on the last chapter! I've decided to make this a touch longer (I'm sure you'd all like to meet their baby, I feel as though it would be mean to stop here!), but I go back to university in a couple of weeks so my chapters may be a little less frequent - I will still be here, just 2-3 times a week instead of 5-6 (I'll try to write longer chapters for you as a pay off!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Fractured Reality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An evening at work.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for just about everything</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> He didn’t know if he was whispering or shouting; he didn’t know what he was doing, where he was, only that his stomach was distended from blood and his baby was laying limp in his arms, no matter how much he screamed, no matter how much he begged and prayed and cried. He didn’t know if he was cradling his son like a doll in his arms; he didn’t know whether there was blood trailing from his nose and mouth; he didn’t know why he stumbled and tripped, gasping as though he couldn’t breathe, as though his lungs were full of water.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Help me-” He gasped, speaking to a stranger with their leg wrapped in plaster as though they held the secret to a life that had been torn away from him; he cried out as he was pushed away with a hand to the stomach, falling to his knees as he hunched over. “Not my stomach, not there- please, please, please-” He groaned, blood leaking through the trail of saliva on his chin.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He summoned up every inch of the air in his lungs, screaming as though every moment of his life left depended on it; when he cried, his tears felt acrid, as though he cried blood. Everything was blood, everything he could think, he could feel, blood in his stomach and blood on his lips and blood on his thighs- </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jim looked up at the sound of the commotion in the room beside them, putting his pen down quickly and grabbing a pair of clean gloves. “I’ll go.” He offered immediately, smiling at his registrar. “Just make sure six get to CT as soon as.”</p><p> </p><p>He stepped through the door into minors, casting a quick glance around the waiting room to locate the source of the noise-</p><p> </p><p>He swore it took every inch of his training, every night he’d spent becoming as desensitised as he could to stabbings, to shootings, to violence that could only be attributed to north London gangs in its brutality, to keep his calm as he approached them; he swore it took every inch of his resolve in his body not to burst into panicked tears at the sound of his boyfriend so upset. He pushed through the group of people around him and fell to his knees beside him, wrapping an arm around his waist as though he could block the noise of the room around them from the simple gesture. “Freddie, darling, it’s me.” He said gently, forcing him to uncurl just a little. “Talk to me.”</p><p> </p><p>“They killed my baby!” He shouted, holding Maajid so close to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, lovely, okay.” He said, taking a breath. “Let me hold him, Freddie.”</p><p> </p><p>The first time their eyes met, Jim felt the tears swell at the sight of Freddie’s heartbreak, but he distracted himself by surveying the state of his face as he handed the baby over. “Can I get a chair, please?” He asked the nurse beside him. </p><p> </p><p>Freddie could only watch as Jim took the baby and leaned his ear close to his mouth to listen; he watched the way Jim’s fingers crossed, hoping and wishing and praying for the best-</p><p> </p><p>“He’s breathing.” Jim said quickly, pressing the pad of his thumb to the pulse point under his neck once he’d laid him on the floor. He counted the beats that passed, tapping his other hand to the pulse so that the others could see it along with him. “He’s got a pulse, he’s breathing, Freddie, he’s alive.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie’s hands flew up to his mouth as Jim handed the baby to a nurse beside him. “NICU.” He told her. “I think it’s shock. He needs a full primary survey and internal investigation.” He explained firmly. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s alive?” Freddie asked, watching them; his voice wavered from loud to quiet, as though he was unable to control it. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s alive, Freddie.” Jim told him clearly, helping carefully to pull him up to standing; he stumbled a little when Freddie’s full weight fell on him, and his eyes widened when he was sick down his shoulder. “Okay, sweetheart, I’ve got a chair for you, you need to come with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m bleeding.” Freddie told him, his voice emotionless, as though it didn’t really matter to him. “This is- this is how it was, it’s happening again, it-”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got you.” Jim promised, sitting him down and wheeling him through to majors. “I promise, Freddie, I-”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m losing him-” Freddie gasped, as though the words were pressing on his lungs. “I- I’m losing him, he’s going, I’ve killed him-”</p><p> </p><p>“Freddie-” Jim started firmly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m losing the baby!” Freddie cried out, hunching over at the pain and barely noticing as he coughed up another load of vomit. “I’m losing the baby!”</p><p> </p><p>Jim lifted him and lay him back on the bed, turning to the trauma team his registrar had assembled and taking a long breath. “This is Freddie Bulsara.” He said, making his voice as confident as it could be. “Twenty four years old, five weeks pregnant and eight weeks postpartum. GCS fourteen.” He looked over his shoulder. “No details of the event.”</p><p> </p><p>“Check my baby.” Freddie grabbed his arm, fingers seizing on his own, as though he was at risk of losing everything if he didn’t have his baby. “Check my baby, I’m begging you-”</p><p> </p><p>“Someone grab me the ultrasound scanner.” He said quickly, grabbing a needle from the drawers at the side of the cubicle. “I’m going to give you something for the pain, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie watched him, feeling half crazed, as though he was being ignored again; his heart hammered in his chest and his head drooped a little as he fought to sit up again. “Please-” He whimpered, though his words were slurred. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Freddie, I’ll check the baby.” He promised, quickly setting up a port in his arm and injecting a milligram of morphine into his arm. “I need you to lie back for me, darling. You’re really not well, you need to trust me to look after you.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie lay back down, his head spinning as his t-shirt was hastily pulled up and the gel was spread over his stomach, over skin that hadn’t even had time to stretch, over a body that had tried so hard to nurture a new life properly this time-</p><p> </p><p>Jim moved the scanner over his stomach, taking a long breath as he surveyed the damage as best he could; his fingers trembled as he did, and he fought himself to keep his emotions on track for just a moment longer. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t hear a heartbeat.” He said quietly, putting the scanner down. “I-I’m afraid we can’t be sure if the baby’s alive.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie’s groan reverberated around the cubicle, his eyes clenched tight, as though he was in agony that Jim could only ever imagine; he stood up hastily and threw his gloves in the bin beside him, fanning his cheeks that were flushing dangerously with the build up of the tears behind his eyes. “I need someone to take over.” He croaked, tearing off his apron. “I need- I can’t-”</p><p> </p><p>“The ultrasound shows internal bleeding.” The registrar rested a hand on his shoulder. “Do you-”</p><p> </p><p>“Sort it out.” He replied, voice strained and panicked. “Call theatre, tell them everything, I- I can’t, I can’t look after him, I-”</p><p> </p><p>He crashed through one set of doors, two, three, until the biting evening air was on his cheeks; he heaved in four breaths, five, six, and stumbled over to the bin out the front of the hospital. His sick joined cigarette butts, crisp packets, bandages and chocolate wrappers, again and again until his head was reeling and he could barely stand up straight; he gripped onto the walls, the back end of ambulances, grappling his way towards somewhere, anywhere that might give him a moment’s respite, the ability to forget everything beating at the back of his skull-</p><p> </p><p>He groaned as he fell onto the floor, curling up as tight as he could as though he’d been kicked in the stomach, as though his head had been smacked against the nearest wall- he pressed his forehead to the ground, the stones scraping his skin as he was hauled to his feet, his jaw slack as his face hit the edge of the pavement, dragged out of the way of an ambulance that was oncoming too quickly for him to recognise it, let alone assess it for the risk it posed him-</p><p> </p><p>“That was my baby.” He whispered, blood trickling from above his eyebrow where the gravel had cut him deep; he didn’t know who held him, or how securely, but they kept him standing up even when his knees gave out beneath him again. “My- my baby, my son- that was- he was mine, he- he-”</p><p> </p><p>They allowed him to fall to his knees when he was safely on the pavement, the ground smooth beneath the palms of his hand as he fell forward; he wanted to break it, shatter it for being so wondrously smooth on a day where perfection wasn’t allowed, not from anybody, not when his own had been shattered. He smacked his fist against it as hard as he could, again and again until the side of his hand was bloody; the scream it wrenched from his throat was primal, a distress call for the whole world to hear.</p><p> </p><p>He smacked both of his hands down as hard as he could, beating the earth for its role in he didn’t know what, some cruel twist of fate, some practical joke that was anything but funny; he groaned when he felt something break</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (scaphoid, lunate, triquetral and pisiform)  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (trapezium, trapezoid, capitate and hamate.) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>And yet he punched it once more, just for luck. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Truths</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things he wanted to leave behind.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another TW on here</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Their hands were clasped tightly together as Freddie lay asleep in the bed; Jim had his forehead pressed to Freddie’s fingers, soothing himself by feeling the steady beat of his pulse in his wrist. His own hand was turning purple, but he chose to ignore it, not wanting to let his lover go, not wanting to move out of Freddie’s room just in case anything happened, wanting to just be able to make everything better with a wave of a magic wand. He watched the rise and fall of his chest, his eyes sliding down to his stomach, and he sighed softly; he’d cried the last of his tears hours ago, and now all that he held in his heart was sorrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought I might find you in here.” Honey said softly, stepping into the room with a baby cradled in her arms. “Is he asleep?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s just been through surgery.” Jim said quietly, taking Maajid from her and holding him close. “Blunt force trauma injury.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell.” She replied, lacing her fingers together. “You were right about Maajid being in shock. He’s got some bruises, but no obvious injuries aside from that. But his blood pressure had dropped right down, so it took us a couple of hours to stabilise him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” He whispered, closing his eyes as he cuddled him against his chest. “Tonight’s been awful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, darling.” She rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “Not what you want on the Thursday night shift, hey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not at all.” He agreed, curling up his knees to his chest to help cradle the baby. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened to your hand, darling?” She asked gently, lightly touching it with the pad of her finger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked down at the bruise that was spreading across the back of his hand and then looked up at the ceiling, willing himself not to cry again. “We think he’s lost the baby.” He whispered. “And- and I punched the floor, basically.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It looks like a nasty fracture.” She said softly. “How does it feel?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t really feel anything right now.” He smiled wryly. “It probably hurts like a bitch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m assuming I can’t convince you to go and get it checked out before he wakes up?” She rubbed his back gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’d be absolutely right.” He said softly. “They’ll just need to manipulate the bones back into place and stick a cast on it, it doesn’t matter if they do it now or in three hours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” She murmured soothingly. “But please get it checked out before you go home. Especially because you’ve got the cut, you don’t want it getting infected.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded. “I will, darling. I promise.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie groaned a little and Jim looked up at him quickly, squeezing his hand gently to comfort him. “I’ll come back and see him when he’s more awake.” Honey said gently, and Jim just nodded distractedly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One of Freddie’s eyes cracked open, and then the other, bleary from anaesthetic; he looked a little glassy, a little unfocused, and yet he still managed to smile when he met eyes with Jim. “Good morning, darling.” Jim said softly, leaning forward and stroking his cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re here.” Freddie murmured, voice thick and exhausted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I’m here.” He kissed his knuckles gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you’d left.” He whispered, his eyes closing heavily again. “When you- when you went out, I thought you weren’t coming back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t be the one to treat you.” He said softly. “I couldn’t keep a level head, darling, I was putting you at risk. I needed someone who could think logically about everything you needed, and I couldn’t focus.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Freddie whispered, curling up a little. “For everything, I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We knew it could happen.” He kissed the top of his head. “We had spoken about this, my love, we knew it might happen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled a little down at Maajid when the baby grinned up at him, instinctively looking for the sound of his father’s voice. “I’ve got a little one here who’d like a cuddle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie hauled his eyes open again and looked up at Jim, smiling as he carefully took the baby. “Is he okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s just fine, lovely.” Jim said softly, kissing his forehead as he sat beside him. “What happened to the both of you? Because you had blood all over your face and he has bruises, and I don’t think you would’ve hurt him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie sighed a little, cuddling the baby close and wincing as he tried to curl up. “It’s a really long story.” He whispered. “I pissed someone off and it came back to haunt me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim had so many questions on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them hastily when the door clicked open and one of the trauma surgeons walked in. “Is now a good time?” He asked them both, looking between them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.” Jim smiled, taking Freddie’s hand gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good news or bad news?” He asked with a smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bad.” Freddie said immediately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, we’ve performed a laparoscopy.” He explained, sitting in the chair opposite them both. “We knew there was significant internal bleeding, so we suspected the spleen, but it was actually a laceration to the liver that was bleeding quite so significantly. We’ve cauterised the main vessels- we were having to use the Pringle manoeuver to keep him stable.” He added, for Jim’s benefit. “But the most important thing is that the bleeding has stopped, and we’ve drained the blood that was causing pressure in the abdomen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t sound as bad as I was expecting.” He admitted, stroking Maajid’s hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Jim said earnestly, breathing a sigh of relief. “What’s the good news, then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clasped his fingers together, as though trying to hide his joy at the news he had for them, just how proud he was of himself and his team. “You’re still pregnant.” He told Freddie, grinning ear to ear. “Once the internal bleeding had been drained, we could hear a heartbeat. The bleeding was coming from an injury to your groin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie clasped as tight as he could to Jim, trembling in his grasp, unable to comprehend what he was saying. “He’s- he’s-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your baby is alive.” He repeated again. “There was significant pressure on him from the bleeding, and we think that’s why you couldn’t hear a heartbeat the first time, because of the amount of blood present in the abdomen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pulled back and kissed Freddie ecstatically, tasting salt from his own tears; he rested his head on Freddie’s shoulder and hugged his arms around his waist, letting himself cry into his hospital gown. “Oh my God-” Freddie whispered, holding onto Jim and letting his eyes close slowly, as though the weight of the world was falling from his shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s okay.” Jim whispered, his eyes closing slowly, as though the adrenaline was melting from the night. “Fucking hell, I thought he was gone- I thought he-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The surgeon handed him a glass of water and he sipped it shakily, trying to force himself to breathe regularly. “Don’t you go into shock now, that’ll make the lot of you.” He joked, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed a little, feeling so unregulated, and closed his eyes momentarily. “Sorry.” He said quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a lot to take on board.” He smiled. “I know it’s a lot, don’t worry. We’re going to take him up and keep him in the ICU for the rest of the night, just so we can monitor him and the baby continuously, and if everything looks good then we’ll move him to hepatology for a couple more days. We’re also going to keep Maajid in NICU for the same reason.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim stood up and hugged him, so earnestly, and finally let himself breathe out. “Thank you.” He repeated again. “Thank you so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie lay with his cheek to Jim’s bicep, Maajid laying upon his chest; he felt exhausted, and yet he couldn’t help but stay awake for just a moment longer with his family. “You wanted to know what happened.” He whispered, tracing patterns on Maajid’s back. “To us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready to tell me?” Jim asked, lulled half to sleep by the steady and constant beeping from his heart monitor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t tell you everything, about who I was before.” He murmured tiredly. “When I was fifteen, I snorted coke for the first time at some stupid party, and by the time I was sixteen I was addicted. And I- I couldn’t afford it, it’s an expensive fucking drug, so I got in with this group of guys who were fucking around, they used to go to expensive clubs and flutter their eyelashes and they’d fuck around, you know, a blowjob for twenty quid, share your coke with me and I’ll let you fuck me, that kind of shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sighed and played with his hair. “At sixteen?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie bit his lip. “And I- I met a guy, he was a lot older than I was, he told me he worked in the city. I used to spend every night with him, he just had this endless supply of coke that I could have as long as I kept him happy, and I was fucking good at keeping him happy. He used to tell me I was beautiful, I was the best he’d ever had, he was so lucky to have me- and then he asked me to do him a favour if I wanted to keep getting the coke from him, because he said it was fucking expensive and I’d been running him into the ground without even realising it, now he couldn’t even afford his rent.” He sighed. “He said he had some friends that wanted me, and they were willing to pay for me, so I slept with them to pay off that debt.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pressed a kiss to his temple soothingly. “He turned me out.” Freddie whispered. “He- he took me to Liverpool, away from everyone I’d ever known, and I worked for him. I worked every night, every week, all of my birthdays and even Christmas day, I gave him every penny, and I had a quota- I was his biggest earner, I could get four grand in a night, and if I earned below three then he’d beat the shit out of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, lovely.” Jim sighed, winding an arm around his waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I loved him.” Freddie whispered, willing the tears behind his eyes to disappear. “And it felt- it felt so good on the nights he would take me home and he’d love me all night, I worked so hard because he’d do it on the nights I earned five grand or more. He’d make love to me and he’d buy me gifts and he’d spend all night with me, I’d sleep in his bed with him and he’d make me feel like the most gorgeous man in the world.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why did you come back to London?” He asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He beat me.” He whispered. “When he found out I was pregnant, when I started to show, he was fucking angry with me that he threatened to break my fucking legs. When I- when I miscarried, when I had the abruption with my first baby, he’d broken one of my arms and a rib. I was eighteen.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed his forehead gently. “That’s awful.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He said he did it because he knew I couldn’t work while I was recovering from the abruption, so it was a good time to teach me a lesson about being so careless when I was out on the track.” Freddie swallowed. “So I knew I had to get away when I started showing with Maajid, because I thought he’d kill him when he found out. I took an extra client one night, I left the three grand on his doorstep, and I bought a train ticket to London. They gave me a house here because it’s the same borough as my parents, and that’s my last known address.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Has he found you?” He asked quietly, suddenly realising where he was going with his story. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The baby wouldn’t settle, so I took him on a walk, and I went right down into Chelsea because I felt like I was going crazy from being indoors all day. And I- I didn’t realise I was walking a track, I don’t know the fucking tracks in London, I didn’t work here- but I was walking a track, and he recognised me. He tried to pick me up, and I said I didn’t work anymore, but he didn’t believe me, he asked me why the fuck I was walking a track in the evening if I didn’t want to get picked up. And he- he’d always said that he’d kill me if I left him, I was too important to him for me to up and leave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think I can guess where this is going.” Jim sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was holding Maajid but I was pushing the pram, so he grabbed the baby and pretty much threw him down in his pram, and he- he dragged me down this alleyway, and he just hit me and hit me and hit me- he said he deserved a fuck after everything he’d done for me, and I thought- I thought he’d leave me alone if I let him, I was so worried he was going to hit my stomach so I thought I’d please him, and I- I let him fuck me, but he was so rough, he hurt me so badly, and I- I was so sure he’d killed the baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie-” Jim held him closer, as though the world would shatter around them if he let go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” He whispered again, covering his mouth with shame. “I didn’t want to, but it- it was just work, I just- I didn’t want him to hurt our baby. It didn’t mean anything to me- I’m trying to leave it all behind-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No wonder you were bleeding- Freddie, that’s assault.” He whispered, cupping his cheek gently. “My love, he assaulted you, you don’t have to apologise for anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was just work.” He murmured, closing his eyes. “I just- I just want to be rid of him, now, I don’t want to work like that anymore. I told him that I didn’t want to work for him anymore, now I’ve had the baby, and he- he said I could leave if I gave him my exit fee. And I- I don’t have any of that kind of money, he wants twenty grand, but I’ve told him I’ll earn it for him, so long as I can have my life back. And he said that’s fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s manipulating you.” Jim said seriously. “That’s a ploy to get you back out on the street, can’t you see?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie went quiet for a moment and then sighed. “I can do it in four days, and then I’ll be free from him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what do you do when he puts the price up at the end of the four days? What do you do when he tells you that it has to be twenty grand on top of what you’re earning each night?” Jim asked, cupping his cheek. “You can’t trust him, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just want to be normal.” He whispered. “I thought I could leave it all behind in Liverpool, but I was- I was naïve, I know that now. I just- I really just want to be a daddy, I want to look after my kids and paint my pictures and look after everybody like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then let’s free you from him, so that you can be what you want to.” Jim kissed him gently. “Tell the police.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’ll kill me.” Freddie whispered immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He can’t kill you if he’s in prison.” He countered, holding him close. “Exploitation, procuring prostitution, trafficking, not to mention that you were a minor. Supplying drugs, physical assault, sexual assault. You could get that bastard locked up for years.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never said no.” Freddie said softly. “I don’t- I don’t know, Jim, I loved him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He manipulated you.” He whispered. “Don’t you deserve to be free of that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie closed his eyes. “I don’t know.” He repeated. “I don’t know if I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was something so peaceful about having Freddie sleeping beside him; there was something strangely soothing about knowing Freddie was upstairs while he worked, knowing that he had one flight of stairs before he could fall into his lover’s arms. No matter how rough the night was, how many people screamed in his face, no matter whether he was spat on, hit, grabbed, no matter what he saw: there was a sense of peace when he knew that his family were up on the hepatology ward, a baby in the nursery next door and the other baby still curled up safe as it grew in his stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He forwent the shower after his shift, only briefly washing his hands once he’d taken the gloves off, jotting his name down on the sign out sheet before he leapt up the stairs two at a time, three flights until his heart was hammering in his chest from the exertion. He swiped his pass for the ward - it was four o’clock in the morning, long past visiting hours, and so he made his footsteps as quiet as possible as he approached Freddie’s room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He noticed that the bed was empty before he’d even opened the door, and swung around to look at one of the nurses. “Where’s Freddie?” He asked, biting his lip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Morning sickness.” He smiled knowingly. “Don’t worry, we’ve checked him for signs of infection and he’s absolutely okay, but the sickness is getting to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Jim smiled back at him and knocked on the bathroom door lightly before he walked in. “Freddie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, have I been in here that long?” Freddie asked, his voice full of humour though he looked so tired.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled and knelt down beside him, rubbing his back gently. “Moosh is making himself known again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rested his head on Jim’s shoulder. “I can’t wait to be kicked in the ribs all night instead of this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t realise you suffered so badly with it.” He said sympathetically, kissing his forehead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey said she’s going to talk to my doctor about tablets. Just to stop me from spending half my life throwing up.” Freddie lay against him sleepily. “I’ve been here for hours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to take you back to bed?” Jim asked, kissing his temple. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think I’m done.” He smiled as Jim picked him up, winding both arms around Jim’s neck. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed his forehead and lay him down on the bed, climbing in beside him when Freddie reached for him. “You flatter me.” He teased, rubbing Freddie’s stomach lightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, keep doing that.” Freddie encouraged, resting his head on Jim’s shoulder. “I don’t flatter you. I’d already be back to tricking if it wasn’t for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rubbed slow circles on his stomach, almost imagining that he could feel little kicks, though he knew the baby was far too small. “I’ll always be here for you.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned up and kissed him softly. “Would you want any more kids with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim bit his lip. “I don’t know if Moosh was a little bit of a fluke, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but would you?” Freddie persisted. “Would you like a big family?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d like a couple more.” He admitted. “But only when you’re healthy enough to do it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to grin. “Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Jim chuckled. “But let’s focus on Moosh first of all, darling, keeping him and you safe and healthy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad we’ve still got him.” Freddie said softly, curling up small as though he was trying to protect his stomach. “I’m going to take better care of him from now on.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Honesty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The past and the present.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We're back!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night air was cold around the both of them, though they fended it off with the blankets that were tightly wrapped around them both; Freddie warmed his toes on Jim’s thigh as his lover slept beside him, watching Maajid in the Moses basket beside them, smiling at the sight of his baby so settled and happy and feeling a deep pride in his heart. He spooned another mouthful of ice cream between his lips, enjoying the coolness as he swallowed it, enjoying the moment of peace with his family asleep all around him.</p><p> </p><p>“Freddie?” Jim murmured, his voice muffled from where his mouth was pressed to his pillow. Freddie chuckled as their eyes met, arching a playful eyebrow when Jim smiled back at him. “Mm- good morning, baby.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s four o’clock in the morning.” Freddie laughed, leaning over and kissing Jim’s cheek gently. “Go back to sleep, honey.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you awake?” Jim sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, laughing when he saw the spoon in Freddie’s hand. “Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not pregnant!” Freddie stuck his tongue out and took another defiant mouthful. “Maajid fed for like an hour, he was eating like he was starving, he took like a full six ounces. And then he was just chilling, but I managed to finally rock him back to sleep, he just didn’t want to fall back asleep for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“You were very quiet.” Jim complimented him, pulling him close and pressing a kiss to his temple.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought I deserved a treat for being up half the night.” Freddie laughed and closed his eyes, resting his head back against Jim’s shoulder; the way he immediately wrapped his arms around his waist made a smile blossom on his face. “I’ll probably go back to bed once you’ve gone to work.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not actually working today.” Jim yawned, looking around their little hospital room, barely lit by the first inches of morning light that crept through the window; he pulled Freddie closer and rested his nose in his hair. “I had to work last night because of cover, but, well-”</p><p> </p><p>He held his hand up and Freddie’s eyes widened, touching it so tenderly. “Baby, what happened?” He whispered.</p><p> </p><p>The bruise had spread across the palm of his hand, flooding it purple, red around the edges, looking as though Freddie had coloured it with one fell swoop of his paintbrush. “I- when we thought we’d lost Moosh, I punched the floor.” He admitted. “I was- I was just really upset, I felt so angry with the world, and so I lashed out. I think I’ve probably broken something.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you getting treatment for it?” Freddie asked, rubbing the pad of his thumb over Jim’s wrist tenderly. </p><p> </p><p>“They’re going to need to manipulate the bones back into place.” Jim wrinkled his nose. “Which is going to be- well, probably the opposite of fun. But they’ll do that and then they’ll have to stick a cast on it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you work with the cast on?” Freddie asked softly.</p><p> </p><p>“No.” He said, kissing the top of his head. “No, they’ll put me on sick leave for eight weeks, I imagine, because I wouldn’t be able to help with anything.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie’s face lit up a little and he glanced at Jim, biting his lip to hide the excitement in his expression. “Does that mean you’ll be home with me?”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to look so happy about it!” Jim laughed and pulled him into a kiss. “Yes, sweetheart. You’ll be sick of me in no time.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to have you at home all the time?” He beamed at Jim. “Oh, baby, that’s amazing!”</p><p> </p><p>“Long mornings snuggled up in bed with a baby and two cups of tea.” Jim chuckled. “If I do get eight weeks, I’ll be around for your first scan.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re coming to all the scans, whether I have to physically fucking drag you there or not.” Freddie grinned and took the palm of Jim’s hand, pressing it to his stomach. “I can’t wait until you can feel him kicking. Right now- I don’t know, I’d like to feel more pregnant.” He admitted. “I fucking loved being really pregnant. I- I used to complain a lot about him keeping me up at night, and I was always worried in case I had a random full abruption, but- God, there’s something so fucking exciting about it. There’s something fucking crazy when it comes to thinking that my body could make a baby.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes I look in his crib and I can’t believe you grew him.” Jim chuckled and slowly lay back down, pulling Freddie in with him. “He’s just so gorgeous.”</p><p> </p><p>“Every one of those little fingers.” Freddie grinned. “I just can’t believe- I know it sounds ridiculous, darling, but I can’t believe everything works. I can’t believe he can swallow and feed and all his digestive system and his internal organs work.”</p><p> </p><p>“You put a lot of work in, in those thirty-five weeks.” Jim pulled him against his chest and yawned. “And hopefully you’ll get to do the full forty this time.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just glad he’s okay and he’s safe.” Freddie smiled. “I find it crazy that I’m going to start showing again. I- I don’t know, but it’s exciting to me that this time- this time I don’t have to be worried about having a bump.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just can’t believe you’re really having my baby.” Jim laughed and closed his eyes, yawning sleepily. “I think we should have a little more sleep, my love.”</p><p> </p><p>He settled down against Jim’s chest and wound an arm around his lover’s waist, pressing a little kiss to his collarbone. “I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, my lovely.” Jim kissed the top of his head. “I’ll see you in the morning.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Freddie ran his fingers back and forth over Jim’s cast, patting Maajid’s back with his other hand, attempting to soothe both of his boys at the same time. “I like the blue you’ve chosen.” He said sweetly, kissing the warmth of Jim’s cheek beneath his lips. </p><p> </p><p>“It hurts like a bitch.” He admitted, leaning against Freddie tiredly. “Was Maajid okay while I was gone?”</p><p> </p><p>“I think he might have colic.” He said softly. “He’s been crying a lot these last few nights, and he just seems to refuse to sleep. I spoke to Honey about it, she said to keep an eye on his temperature just in case it’s something else, but he’s normal at the moment.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim took the baby from him and stood up slowly, rocking his little boy back and forth when he started to cry again. “Has he been bad during the night?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” He admitted. “I keep taking him downstairs so he won’t wake you when he’s crying, but it’s been- God, he can keep going for hours.”</p><p> </p><p>“Poor honey.” Jim kissed his temple lovingly, rocking him as soothingly as he could. “His tummy’s just getting used to everything, I imagine.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie nodded sleepily, running a hand through his hair. “God, I really need a shower.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got him for now, darling. Why don’t you go and look after yourself?” He asked softly. </p><p> </p><p>“Is that okay?” Freddie checked, standing up slowly, instinctively holding his stomach though there was no bump to touch. “I don’t mind, I kept you up, so if you want to rest-”</p><p> </p><p>“Go and have a shower.” Jim blew him a kiss. “I’ll take him for a little walk around the hospital, and when he settles I’ll put him down for a nap.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.” Freddie smiled shyly, retrieving his washbag from the counter and heading for the bathroom. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He dotted moisturiser on the apples of his cheeks, happy to see that his cheeks looked a little more rosy from the heat of the shower; he smiled at himself as he smoothed it into his skin, feeling as though he’d got a little of his glow back. He stood on his toes to lean more closely into the mirror, hollowing his cheeks playfully, as though he was imagining all of the contours of his own face in case he wanted to recreate it in paint; he suddenly longed for his brushes, his oil paints, imagining the art he could make with only his own skin for the canvas.</p><p> </p><p>“You look lovely.” Jim commented as he walked into the room, dropping a kiss on Freddie’s cheek happily. “Feel better for it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, endlessly.” Freddie laughed, turning in his lover’s arms and hugging him tight. “Where’s the baby?”</p><p> </p><p>“I settled him in the nursery. I figured I’d give you a little bit of a break, especially while you’re recovering.” He kissed Freddie’s forehead gently. “Can I ask you a question?”</p><p> </p><p>“Go for it.” Freddie grinned at him, leaning up and brushing his hair back from his face.</p><p> </p><p>Jim took his hand gently, clutching it tight with his good hand. “When we first met, were you actually into me?” He asked quietly. “Or did you sleep with me because I gave you money?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie’s cheeks flushed scarlet, as though he was a child that had been caught lying to his parents; he bit his lip, staying quiet for a moment, and then he sighed. “You were being so nice to me.” He admitted softly. “And I thought- well, you mentioned you never got laid, so I thought I could pay you back.”</p><p> </p><p>He only held Freddie tighter. “Is that why you never say no to me?” He asked quietly, before a look of horror crossed his face. “Do you- do you even enjoy having sex with me?”</p><p> </p><p>“I-” He swallowed his pride as he met Jim’s eyes. “It’s just sex, Jim. I’ve done it all day, everyday, for eight fucking years- I don’t really care.” He admitted. “I’ve been fucking railed and had a good time, and I’ve been borderline assaulted, but most of the time it’s just- God, I don’t know, it’s just something I do. It’s like breathing.” He swallowed. “I enjoy it, of course I enjoy it, you make me feel good. But- you know, if you wanted to and I wasn’t really in the mood- well, I don’t mind putting myself out for a couple of minutes. I usually end up enjoying it anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim sighed and leaned in to kiss his forehead. “I never even fucking thought about it.” He said softly. “You don’t have to be into it just because I am.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie looked down at himself for a moment and then rubbed his arm nervously. “You know the reason I liked being pregnant?” He asked quietly. “It was the first time I really felt like my body was mine again. Because- because I’ve belonged to everybody for a couple of minutes. And I don’t mind belonging to you, not at all, because you take good care of me- but when I belong to you, all this-” He gestured to his body. “It’s yours to do what you please with. There’s no- I don’t feel like there’s a part of me left that’s mine, and so- well, I trust you to do what you want. It’s a hell of a lot better than trusting curb crawlers.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hate the idea that you’d say yes to me when you didn’t want me anywhere near you.” Jim said quietly.</p><p> </p><p>“No, darling-” Freddie gripped his shoulder gently and pecked his lips. “I’m happy that I get to be with you, don’t you see? I won’t say no to you because it’s what you deserve. I’m so fucking thankful that of everyone in the whole world, I belong to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t belong to me.” Jim said, lowering his voice even further. “Freddie- you’re not a sex toy. You’re not something I can just pick up and fuck whenever I want to. If I deserve someone to be that loving towards me, then you deserve to have some compassion in return.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie sat on the edge of the bed, tucking his knees up and then grasping the arches of his feet. “I wish I did.” He admitted.</p><p> </p><p>Jim frowned and knelt on the floor in front of him. “What do you mean, darling?”</p><p> </p><p>“I wish you made all my decisions for me.” He said quietly. “I- I thought I’d feel so liberated when I left, and I don’t. I- I fucking hate it, Jim, I fucking hate how hard everything is.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s hard to adjust.” He agreed, kissing his knuckles gently.</p><p> </p><p>“No, but-” Freddie ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve got no fucking friends, no real ambitions, no prospects, coke dealers that would drain my blood given half the chance, a pimp that wants me dead- I’ve got the children, and I’ve got you, but that’s everything. I- I can’t explain it to you, because it’s so fucking- so fucking horrible, I sound so unappreciative, but I- the idea of just being a househusband with a couple of kids- I think I’d rather work the streets.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim’s eyes widened a little and he took a long swallow. “Why do you feel like that?”</p><p> </p><p>“I sit in the house all day while you’re asleep, and all night while you’re at work. I change some nappies, I give Maajid a bottle, I flick through the television for something I haven’t seen fifteen times before, and the highlight of my day is giving the baby a bath. I love having him, don’t get me wrong, but I- I can’t bear the idea of just doing this for the rest of my life. When I used to take clients, there was a rush in getting them to spend as much money as possible on me, there was a rush in trying to anticipate what you wanted to do, and even when we got caught by the police and I’d be running down the street in a fucking thong and a jacket- it was exciting.” He sighed. “It was a hideous existence, living from one hit to the next, but there was- there was something to work for, to aspire towards, because you knew the treats you’d get when you perform well.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie stood up restlessly, looking out of the window. “I’m twenty-four.” He said quietly. “But I never go out, I don’t have a job, I make a couple of mediocre paintings and sell them for twenty quid a pop. And I’m so fucking bored.” He admitted. “I started tricking you because I was fucking bored, I was just in the house pregnant all the time and you’d come over and give me something to think about. It’s like being in prison, but it’s worse, because you know that you could go out but there’s nothing to do.”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t realise you were feeling like that.” Jim said softly.</p><p> </p><p>“I probably felt like that while I was working the streets, but I had the coke.” Freddie suddenly craved a cigarette, his fingers twitching, and he balled them into fists. “I thought about it again the other day. But I thought about shooting it, like I did when I was really bad, just one giant shot- end on a high.” He smiled, though there was nothing funny about his words. “It’d be apt, wouldn’t it? I thought about you having Maajid, I don’t have the fucking patience to do this for the next twenty years- the next fucking lifetime. And the best thing- I doubt anyone would be surprised.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim sighed and reached out to touch his hand gently. “Your life isn’t over just because you made a mistake at sixteen.”</p><p> </p><p>“It might as well be.” He gave in to the impulse to grab the cigarettes in his bag - he always kept a packet of Embassies to hand just in case the urge struck - but he threw them down on the bed at Jim’s heartbroken expression. “I’ve got a criminal record that’s about as long as your list of qualifications.”</p><p> </p><p>“What would you like to do?” Jim asked, voice tinted with sympathy.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know!” He said exasperatedly. “The only thing I can do is fuck, haven’t you noticed? You’ve never had a decent conversation with me about anything other than our family because I don’t fucking know anything. The only interesting thing about me is the fact that I can get myself hard when I’m not horny.” He huffed out a laugh, strangled and forced. “I never feel like doing anything. There’s nothing interesting to do when you’re sober.”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you liked painting?” He offered.</p><p> </p><p>“I fucking detest the idea of spending my life in a studio on my own.” He replied immediately. “I lived in a house with three other men and six women, I like people.”</p><p> </p><p>It was in that moment Jim realised that Freddie was speaking some semblance of the truth- he realised he knew so little about what he enjoyed, his past aside from his work, his talents. “You need something with a rush in it.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie took a long breath and finally sat down beside him. “I need some adrenaline.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim took it as a victory when Freddie leaned back against him. “What about a performer?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie paused for a moment; it was something he had never considered until that moment. “What kind of performer?”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you dance?” Jim asked. “Or sing, or play an instrument? I don’t know, darling, you could join the circus as a fucking tightrope walker and I’d support you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Contortionist.” Freddie joked, but the smile on his face was more genuine that time. “I can’t dance. I can play the piano, though, and some people think I can sing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think that would give you the rush you want?” Jim asked. “An audience?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie bit his lip shyly. “I like that idea.”</p><p> </p><p>“You should build a band.” Jim grinned. “Get a nursery for Maajid and build a career for yourself at the same time.”</p><p> </p><p>“How, though? I don’t go out.” He smiled a little. “How do I meet people?”</p><p> </p><p>“What about a newspaper advert? For any bands seeking a singer.” Jim grinned. “We could put it in Saturday’s paper.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie rested his forehead on Jim’s shoulder and nodded. “Fuck it.” He said softly. “What’s the worst that could happen?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>END OF PART ONE</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm doing parts because I want to skip some weeks so this doesn't become too mundane - part two will skip seven weeks into the future!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. New Beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's getting there.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Fanart by the incredible <a href="https://living-on-my-own-fm.tumblr.com/">@living_on_my_own_fm</a> tumblr/ <a href="https://www.instagram.com/delphine_fm_/">@delphine_fm_</a> Instagram</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>PART TWO</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, darling!” Freddie sang playfully as he waltzed back into their bedroom, the sun only barely peeking through the curtains, still drawn against the December drizzle outside. Jim groaned, shifting the bedsheets high above his head, as Freddie planted a kiss on the top of his head. “Come on, you bastard, I brushed my teeth for you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim yawned and pulled the blanket down a little when Freddie crawled over his hips. “You brushed your teeth?” He asked, settling a hand on his waist as he yawned again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I vomited through my nose at four o’clock this morning.” Freddie said cheerfully, leaning in for a kiss. “I thought you probably wouldn’t like the taste of last night’s lasagna on my teeth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fucking gross, baby, I won’t lie.” He cupped Freddie’s cheek and kissed him back, indulging in the early morning optimism Freddie always seemed to radiate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie snorted against his lips. “Thanks for your concern.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim wound both of his arms around him and pulled him closer, cushioning his cheek against his chest. “You know I care about you, my darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm- I do, baby, you’re right.” Freddie agreed, rolling over when he heard the rustling of the blankets in the baby’s bassinet and picking him up carefully, resting him against Jim’s chest. “An early morning friend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He looks very bright-eyed this morning.” Jim rubbed the pad of his thumb over Maajid’s cheek as the baby blinked up at him. “God, doesn’t he have the most gorgeous eyes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never expected to have a blue-eyed baby.” Freddie shifted over with a little winded noise, laying back against him. “I know it’s all psychological, but I’m starting to feel heavy again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s grin was warm and lopsided as he watched Freddie smile back at him. “I suppose he is getting a little bigger these days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Week twelve today.” Freddie smoothed a hand over his stomach and yawned, settling back down against him. “Which means I haven’t got much time left of this God awful sickness.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s the scan today, isn’t it?” He checked, reaching over blindly to tap on the bottle heater that Freddie had set up a few hours earlier. “Is he hungry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s practically trying to chew on your hand.” Freddie yawned and chuckled, closing his eyes sleepily for a moment. “Can you give him a bottle?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Already on it.” He kissed Freddie’s forehead and then shifted up to sitting, cradling Maajid with his injured arm. “You know, your idea of keeping the bottle warmer here was fucking genius.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You barely ever do the night feeds, you don’t even fully appreciate it.” Freddie laughed, resting his head against Jim’s thigh. “Smack it until it warms up, roll over and get the baby from the bassinet, and then you’ve got a warm bottle and a baby without even having to stand up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should get an award for entrepreneurship.” Jim grinned, picking up the bottle and testing it on his wrist to check the temperature. “Are you going to have them both in here when Moosh comes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Probably.” He yawned. “It’s easier to keep an eye on them when they’re in here. I like having him by the side of the bed because I can just open an eye whenever I wake up and check on him, and I can always hear him when he cries, even if it’s really quiet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim touched the bottle to Maajid’s lips and smiled when he began to feed immediately, reaching up to touch Jim’s hand. “I must admit, darling, I thought he would’ve been a little behind kids his age, but he is doing brilliantly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think he’s going to start sitting on his own soon.” Freddie grinned. “You know, I was fucking around yesterday, and he was rolling over and reaching for me while we were on the floor and I couldn’t stop laughing because he was pulling all these funny faces, like he was concentrating really hard.” He chuckled. “So I sat up and I helped him to sit against the sofa, he likes to do that now. But when I touched his hands, he grabbed onto me and he started trying to get his legs underneath him, and I thought I was going to have a little prodigy on my hands.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And did he?” Jim grinned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He could hold his weight on his legs.” Freddie grinned. “I mean, he’s nowhere near walking, but he could take a couple of little steps when I held him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s a clever little boy.” Jim kissed the baby’s forehead lovingly. “Aren’t you, sweetheart? Aren’t you the loveliest and cleverest little boy ever?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I’m designed to make geniuses.” Freddie rubbed his stomach and yawned, though he laughed again. “He’ll know quantum physics by the time he’s three.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll teach him to read with an anatomy textbook.” He laughed with him, leaning down to kiss Freddie’s messy curls. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I’ll teach him to speak fourteen different languages.” Freddie grinned. “I’ll teach him to paint.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim put the empty bottle aside and carefully winded Maajid over his shoulder as Freddie finally sat up, stretching his arms overhead with a yawn. “I should probably get up.” He chuckled. “I’m fucking starved.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim watched him, his smile fond and affectionate. “I didn’t realise you were wearing that shirt.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced down at himself, grinning shyly; he wore a shirt that Jim had bought him as an early Christmas present, simple and white with the word ‘daddy’ emblazoned across the front. “I love this shirt, you know that.” He said happily, his cheeks pinkening a little. “I got it out of the wash at about five because I wanted to wear it so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Which also explains those hideous shorts.” He laughed as Freddie stood up, laying Maajid down on the bed beside him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Freddie laughed. “I look good in yellow!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It looks gorgeous against your skin tone.” He agreed, turning away to pull on his own t-shirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled happily and set to smoothing out the bedsheets, tickling Maajid’s tummy when he leaned over him to organise the pillows; the baby kicked excitedly at him and Freddie laughed. He stood up to grab the blankets that they’d kicked off during the night, when they’d gotten too hot from being all wrapped up in one another, skin pressed to skin-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim!” He gasped, his voice soft and quiet, as he caught sight of himself in the mirror; he immediately started to grin, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. “Look!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim looked over quickly, starting to grin when he took in the sight of Freddie, his t-shirt rucked up over his stomach. He laughed as he rested his hands on Freddie’s waist, pressing a kiss to the back of his shoulder as he drank in the sight of him in the mirror. “Oh, baby.” He whispered, rubbing his stomach. “Has he doubled in size overnight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I finally look pregnant.” Freddie laughed, leaning up to kiss his lips. “No wonder I feel fucking heavy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got a proper little bump going on.” Jim sighed happily. “He’s definitely growing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it sounds stupid, but I- I struggled to believe them, when they said he was still alive.” He admitted. “But if he’s still growing- he’s got to be okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s definitely getting bigger.” Jim watched the contented expression on Freddie’s face blossom and smiled back at him. “You look fucking gorgeous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All the more beautiful because it’s your baby this time?” Freddie asked with a smile. “I hope he gets your eyes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hope he gets your hair.” Jim combed his fingers through Freddie’s hair and suddenly dropped to his knees, pressing a kiss to his stomach with a wink. “I love being able to see him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he’s definitely a boy?” Freddie asked, laughing when Jim kissed his bump again. “Do you want a boy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Darling, I don’t care.” He grinned. “I just want a baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My throat is knacked.” Freddie laughed, landing heavily on the sofa in the studio and putting his feet in Roger’s lap. “You know, when everyone said to become a singer, I wasn’t thinking about just how much singing it would actually involve.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s good that one of your idiot friends already thought that through.” Brian leaned over the back of the sofa and handed him a mug. “Honey and lemon. I could hear you going hoarse.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, darling, that’s lovely! Thank you.” Freddie sang happily, taking the mug from him and blowing the steam from the top. “I’m trying to get all the vocals laid down before half one, I’ve got a scan at two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re not on any time pressure.” He said soothingly, rubbing Freddie’s shoulder. “I’d rather you still had a voice tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled gratefully and took a sip. “I always try and do things far too quickly.” He chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sounded good up there, though.” Roger grinned at him. “I still can’t believe we got you through a newspaper.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know anyone!” He rolled his eyes playfully. “Hey, it was fate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you just so happened to live in the same London borough as us?” John walked into the room and placed his bass down on its stand. “It definitely was fate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brian picked up his guitar and sat against the wall, plucking mindlessly at the strings. “Has anybody written anything over the past few days?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused for a moment, sipping his drink again, and then shyly raised a hand. “You’ll probably think I’m crazy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t put yourself down.” Roger kicked him in the hip. “Go on, sing.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The arm hugging around Freddie’s waist kept him standing as he snuggled against his lover, his eyes barely half open; Jim chuckled and picked him up gently, carrying him into the hospital. “That three o’clock start getting to you?” He asked playfully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sleepy.” He admitted, yawning and tucking his head against Jim’s chest. “I need a nap.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll drive you home and you can sleep.” He promised. “But first of all, darling, we’re going to meet Moosh again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could feel the warmth of Freddie’s smile where his lips were pressed to his collarbone. “I get to find out when I’m having him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim knocked on Honey’s door with the toe of his shoe and smiled when he carried Freddie inside, placing him down onto the bed. “I’ve got a sleepy father for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, darling!” She laughed, turning to the both of them. “What have you done with your baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s at nursery.” Freddie rubbed his eyes and sat up properly in the bed, smiling at her. “How are you, darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m very happy to see you looking so well.” She replied, applying the gel to his stomach. “How’s the sickness been going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it’s still horrendous.” He admitted, taking Jim’s good hand and squeezing it gently. “Been awake since three.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It sounds like you could do with a nap this afternoon.” She said, her voice so full of care for him. “I’ll try and make this as quick as I can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie would never grow tired of the hearts Jim had behind his eyes whenever he saw their baby on the little screen; he looked so in love with the blurry little picture of a baby he was trying so hard to care for. “I love looking at him.” Jim whispered, leaning closer. “I can’t believe he’s real.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can.” Freddie murmured, and they started to laugh. “How’s he doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s bigger than I was anticipating.” She told him. “He’s growing really well, he’s bigger than Maajid was at twenty-four weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” He asked delightedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can tell you’ve been looking after yourself.” She grinned. “You’re eating well, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying my best.” He smiled back at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Keep doing what you’re doing.” She told him. “Because, whatever you’re doing, it’s working.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Sleep Heavy Kisses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He starts to let go of the past.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>More fluff for you all!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Are you still in there?” Jim asked with a laugh, popping his head around the lounge door as he wandered through the hallway, hands full of shopping bags. “You haven’t moved at all!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Every time I put him down, he cries.” Freddie yawned and rested his cheek on Maajid’s head with a sleepy smile. “And I’m feeling really fucking pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rolled his eyes with a chuckle. “Baby, you always feel really fucking pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’s because I’m really fucking pregnant!” Freddie stuck his tongue out defiantly and then laughed, cuddling his baby closer. “I’m snuggling with my baby, leave me be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I come back to you with a cup of tea?” Jim grinned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll marry you one day.” Freddie yawned and stood up, cradling the baby up against his chest and then looping his other arm around his lover’s neck. He pressed a sweet kiss to his lips and then smiled. “I’ll marry you quicker if you make the baby a bottle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and savoured the sweetness of his lips against his own for a moment longer. “That sounds like an offer I can’t resist.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie followed him into the kitchen and curled up in the armchair, sleepily bouncing the baby when he started to cry again. “He’s so unsettled, I don’t know why.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim wordlessly leaned over, taking the baby from Freddie and resting him over his shoulder; he rubbed Maajid’s back gently, little circles. “I think he’s probably got tummy troubles again.” He murmured lovingly, closing his eyes for a moment. “I tell you what, I’m never letting you talk yourself out of shopping ever again. Shopping with this thing on-” He nodded at the cast on his hand. “Is a fucking nightmare.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked momentarily guilty as he stood up, resting a hand on his stomach. “I’m sorry, darling, I- I didn’t think.” He admitted. “You should’ve called me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” He kissed Freddie’s forehead gently. “Darling, you’re pregnant, you’re allowed to take the day off sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was just up a lot in the night.” He murmured guiltily. “I just needed a bit of rest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey-” He tilted Freddie’s chin up a little and then caught his lips in a gentle kiss. “You were very busy, weren’t you? You were awfully busy looking after a baby who needed you more than anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded tiredly, allowing himself to rest his forehead on Jim’s shoulder when he pulled him into a hug. “I think I was really tired in my first and second trimester with Maajid, I used to sleep all over the place. It was a running joke that I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re giving all that energy to the baby.” Jim kissed his forehead and then gave Maajid back to him once he had sat down, the baby now calm in his hands. “Two little ones is a lot of work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Imagine how it’ll be when I’m in the third trimester. I’ll be so big I can barely move.” Freddie grinned sleepily when Maajid drifted off to sleep against his chest. “I’ll be totally reliant on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind.” Jim grinned shyly, flicking the switch for the kettle and then sitting opposite him. “I was thinking about taking a bit of a break from work, you know, when the baby’s born. At least a couple of months.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled back at him. “I think I’ll really need your help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want you to be able to rest up after you’ve had Moosh. God knows you needed it last time, and if you have to go through transfusions and the like again, I don’t want to be rushing back and forth to A&amp;E like I was.” Jim leaned over the table and took Freddie’s hand, kissing the back of his knuckles gently. “I felt awful, you know, because we couldn’t go home because I couldn’t be around all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t your fault. He decided he was going to come five weeks early and throw all our plans off.” Freddie chuckled and propped his feet up on the chair in front of him. “Who knows, maybe Moosh will do the same.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rolled his eyes playfully and stood up to pour them tea, and started to put the shopping away. “I really hope not.” He admitted. “I nearly had a heart attack when I found out you’d just had Maajid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll pack my hospital bag at twenty weeks just in case.” He rubbed his stomach idly. “I shouldn’t be such a downer, should I? So far, it’s been all good, I haven’t had any problems.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly.” Jim leaned over and kissed his nose. “You’re doing an awfully good job.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The faintest blush of praise flooded over Freddie’s cheeks and he smiled up at him. “You know-” He trailed off and blushed harder. “Nothing, nothing, ignore me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim crouched down in front of him and rested his hand on his knee. “No, baby, tell me.” He said gently, smiling a little. “You know you can tell me anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie avoided his eyes for a moment, but he took Jim’s hand and squeezed gently. “I’m still not used to how you treat me.” He said quietly. “I- I feel like I need to say thank you.” He laughed shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart!” Jim laughed, leaning in and pressing the softest kiss to his lips. “You’re the loveliest man in the whole world, you deserve every second of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You make me feel like- like nothing bad ever happened.” He admitted. “I used to be convinced that I fucked up my life, like I couldn’t repair it. Like I’d- I’d ruined any chance I had because I hadn’t studied at school, I was an addict, the only thing I knew how to do was suck cock- I thought no one would ever love me, and no one would ever employ me, and I- I thought I’d be seen as some kind of disgusting outcast for the rest of my life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Most of that you’ve done yourself, darling.” Jim said gently. “You chose to get clean. You chose to step up for your child, and you would’ve done that whether I was there or not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stayed quiet for a few moments and then nodded. “I suppose you’re right.” He admitted. “Everything just feels so different now. I used to walk down the street, and people would stare at me, people would avoid me, because I was high and obnoxious or else I was passed out. But now- when I walk down the street with you, and we’ve got Maajid in the pram, people look at me and they smile. They see someone who’s got a perfect little family, and not- they don’t see me as an addict anymore. People come over to see the baby, they don’t avoid me, and I- I’m rambling, aren’t I?” He laughed a little. “Sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s lovely to hear you talk about us all like that.” Jim grinned. “I saw my mother the other day, you know, and she said she could see how much happier I was in my face. She had kind of worked out that I was living with someone new, I just hadn’t found the time to sit down and explain everything, but she- she was just so happy to see me looking so happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything just feels like it’s falling into place.” Freddie admitted. “When I sit in this kitchen with you, in a house that’s definitely too small for all of us-” He laughed. “I haven’t felt as at home as I do here in a long time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never met somebody quite like you before.” Jim chuckled. “But I’m so fucking thankful I did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s gasp echoed through the room, so loud in the midnight calm that swallowed them both whole; he’d been drifting in and out of sleep, gently lulled on the waves of his lover’s chest rising and falling, and yet he’d suddenly been jerked awake. “Jim-” He whispered, his voice hoarse: he grabbed his hand and pressed it to his stomach, watching the groggy flutter of his eyelashes. “Feel, feel!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He yawned as he rolled onto his side, looking up at the elation on Freddie’s face, and smiled despite himself; he rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and then placed his hand back on Freddie’s stomach. “What does it feel like?” He asked, voice heavy and thick.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s moving.” Freddie whispered, sitting up a little and rubbing his stomach. “Oh my God, it’s so early, he’s moving!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sat up quickly and pulled him closer, rubbing his stomach so lovingly. “I can’t feel anything yet.” He murmured into Freddie’s hair. “Tell me, baby, tell me what it’s like.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to trace circles on the bare skin of his arm, savouring the warmth between them. “It’s like this.” He whispered. “Swirling, like he’s doing somersaults.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed, his voice so full of love as he kissed the top of his head. “I still can’t believe he’s still with us.” He admitted. “I- I didn’t let myself get too excited, you know, because I know you had problems with the baby in your last pregnancy and your poor body is really being pushed right now. But now we’re out of the most dangerous zone, and you’re showing, and he’s moving, and- God, Freddie, we’re having a baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He feels like he’s fluttering his little legs around.” Freddie leaned on his boyfriend and let his eyes close heavily. “I can’t believe he’s hitting all his milestones so well, it’s like- it’s like I’m doing a good job of caring for him.” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are!” Jim laughed. “You’re doing a ridiculously good job.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but-” He blushed shyly, and then laughed a little more. “I was expecting this to be a fucking nightmare, I won’t lie. I was expecting to just constantly be in pain and miserable, but he- he’s a little angel, really.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s being as easy on your body as he can be.” Jim yawned and lay back down again, resting his cheek just above the slight curve of Freddie’s bump. “Angel would be a pretty name, if he’s actually a girl.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fersheth.” Freddie murmured quietly, rubbing his stomach. “Maajid and Fersheth. Unless you’d want an English name, I mean, he’s your baby too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Jim admitted; Freddie could help but smile when their eyes met, swearing he could see the happiness in his face. Freddie started to pet his hair softly, giving his scalp a gentle scratch, and he watched with content the way that Jim’s eyes closed peacefully. “I think Maajid is a beautiful name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Glorious.” He chuckled. “I’m kind of obsessed with baby names. I remember, when I was in hospital and getting clean, I used to sit in bed and one of the nurses gave me this huge book of names, and I read every single one, I wanted his name to be perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m surprised Maajid was in there.” Jim yawned and pressed a kiss to his stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t.” He admitted. “Honey bought me a book of baby names from around the world once I’d read all the English ones. We used to- we did this thing, where we’d call him a different name every day, and one day I called him Maajid- but I was with you when I did that, didn’t I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t tell me what he was called at first.” Jim laughed. “But I don’t think you trusted me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, I didn’t at all.” Freddie chuckled. “I thought you saw me how the rest of the world did. I thought you were sneering at me and looking down on me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now you’re pregnant with my kid.” Jim grinned and leaned up to kiss him lovingly, cupping his cheek. “I don’t know if this is wrong, but I think you look hotter than ever right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“With bed hair and milk on my shirt? Thanks, I’ll take the compliment.” Freddie kissed him back and looped an arm around his neck. “I don’t think I could be any less sexy if I tried.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look so fucking happy. You look proud of yourself.” Jim grinned. “Sue me, I think you’re gorgeous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed and spread his legs a little as Jim crawled between them, kissing him a little harder. “As if I woke you up and now you want to fuck me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled back a little and cupped Freddie’s cheek. “Is that a no?” He asked gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not. I’ve been awake for hours.” Freddie grinned. “Knock yourself out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try and knock all of us out.” He grinned as he kissed him again, feeling the shudder of his body as he responded to the way he stroked his sides. “I love you, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Freddie smiled, allowing himself to enjoy the pleasure of his touch, never feeling bad for relishing the experience with someone he really cared about. “So fucking much, my darling.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. TLC</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's surrounded by people who care for him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Bet you didn't think this would be updated today!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You look tired, honey.” Jer murmured, handing Freddie a mug of tea. He smiled back at her, resting his head against Jim’s shoulder with a yawn, and cupped his hands around his mug.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like absolute shit.” He admitted, chuckling a little. “It’s fucking freezing today.”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s always freezing.” Jim told her, grabbing a blanket from the arm of the sofa and wrapping it around his lover. “Always freezing, always hungry, and always tired.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” Freddie laughed, elbowing him playfully. “God, you make me sound like I’m the opposite of fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I never said that!” Jim wound both arms around him and kissed the top of his head. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s the bitch of being pregnant.” Jer agreed, sitting down in the armchair opposite them. “How’s it been going?”</p><p> </p><p>“Looking after a newborn is the hard bit.” Freddie yawned. “When I was pregnant with Maajid, at least I could just sleep. But he’s so little- he’s still feeding every two or three hours, and sometimes I’m just so fucking knackered by looking after him and the baby at the same time.”</p><p> </p><p>“It is hard.” She agreed. “I felt the same way when I first had you. You have to get comfortable with asking people for help, that’ll take some of the pressure off.” She started to smile. “Your father and I could always take Maajid for the night, if you’d like.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie looked up at Jim, who grinned back at him and gave him a little nod. “I think that sounds good.” He said softly. “Just to relax you a little.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Freddie smiled sleepily. “I mean- it would be great if you could take Moosh, too, but that’s impossible.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s all down to you.” She smiled sympathetically. “Is he kicking much yet?”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s not big enough.” He rested his hand on his bump and smiled wider instinctively. “I can feel him moving, but he’s not really kicking yet. Jim can’t feel him.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know when he’s moving, though, because he makes you laugh.” Jim chuckled, and hugged him closer. “Hopefully he’ll be nice enough to let you sleep for the night.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Freddie shivered violently as he walked, tucked into Jim’s side and buried in the warmth of his coat; he clung on tight to his hand. “Why are we going to the hospital?” He asked softly. “I feel okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just worried about how tired you are, darling, and how cold you are. I called Honey while you were having a nap, and she said it would be best for you to just come in to have a check-up.” He kissed the top of his head and opened the door for him. “Hopefully everything will be okay, but it’s best we check before it becomes a problem for the baby.”</p><p> </p><p>He looked up when he heard Honey’s voice and smiled tiredly. “Hi, darling.” He said softly.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, bless you, sweetheart, you look exhausted.” She said sympathetically. “Come on, come through, I’ll turn the heat up in our room.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” He smiled, leaning on Jim as they walked through into the little room and Freddie sat down, sounding relieved. </p><p> </p><p>“So, darling, Jim tells me that you’ve been feeling awfully cold and tired these last few days.” She said, grabbing a blood pressure monitor from the counter and smiling. “How about I start with this?”</p><p> </p><p>He nodded, resting his head on Jim’s shoulder and watching as she wrapped the cuff around his arm. She was quiet for a few moments as she took the reading, and he watched as she began to nod. “Your blood pressure is very low.” She said gently. “Are you still taking your tablets for blood pressure?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” He murmured. “Should I stop?”</p><p> </p><p>“Seems to me that you don’t really need them anymore.” She smiled. “I’ll take a quick check on the iron in your blood, too.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie watched her prepare the needle with curiosity, making Jim chuckle. “I’ve never seen someone look so chilled out when they’re about to have blood drawn.”</p><p> </p><p>“I used to shoot cocaine, darling, I think it would be a little hypocritical of me to be scared of needles.” Freddie chuckled as she cleaned off his arm. “Like, fucking hell, this is ten times more sterile and at least you’ll get my vein on the first few tries.”</p><p> </p><p>“God, I hate the idea of you doing that to yourself.” Jim kissed the top of his head as Honey slowly took his blood. “How long are the labs taking today?” He asked Honey.</p><p> </p><p>“It’ll probably take a couple of hours to come back.” She said honestly. “I’m going to do a quick copper sulfate test too, because it sounds like it might be an iron problem. If it is, then we can do a quick IV line to bring it back up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why would I have iron problems?” He asked sleepily, watching as she cleaned his arm again and then pressed a pressure plaster over the wound. </p><p> </p><p>“Because you’re very pregnant, and because you’ve been pregnant recently. Being pregnant tears through your iron like nothing else.” She explained, pricking his finger and taking a little sample to put into the solution. “Plus, you had the abruption, and you lost a lot of blood during the birth, so it would make a lot of sense for your iron levels to be low.”</p><p> </p><p>“And that would make sense as to why you feel so cold.” Jim whispered, kissing his forehead. “And so tired.”</p><p> </p><p>“It won’t have hurt the baby, will it?” He asked worriedly, resting his hand on the bump. “I’ve been trying so hard, Honey.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know you have, sweetheart.” She said sympathetically. She dropped the blood into the vial of copper sulphate and nodded. “It’s not sinking at all. I imagine your haemoglobin is very low.”</p><p> </p><p>“What does that mean?” He asked Jim in a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s the part of your red blood cell that carries the iron and the oxygen around your body.” Jim kissed his head. “So that means there isn’t enough iron being carried around.”</p><p> </p><p>“Will it hurt the baby?” He asked again.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s likely that you’ve given a lot of the iron in your body to your baby.” Honey said gently. “He sucks it up first, and then you get whatever’s left. We’ll check the baby, but I imagine that he’s fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie let out a long breath and nodded. “How do you treat me, then?” He asked softly.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re going to boost the iron in your blood.” She said simply.</p><p> </p><p>“Are we going IV?” Jim asked her. “He gets such bad sickness.”</p><p> </p><p>“If he’s feeling the symptoms this badly, I think IV is a good idea.” She smiled. “But we’ll hang on until the complete count comes back, I don’t want to put things in his body that he doesn’t actually need.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can we have a quilt?” He asked hopefully. “I think this one needs a nap.” He kissed Freddie’s temple.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course you can, darling.” She stood up and opened the wardrobe, bringing out a fresh quilt. “You can both stay in here, and I’ll come back later.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Freddie was fast asleep, his cheek pressed to Jim’s chest, his mouth open a little though he slept quietly; Jim rubbed his stomach gently as they lay together. The door cracked open, the room otherwise dark around them, and Jim smiled when Honey came in. “Everything okay?” She whispered. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m surprised he’s asleep.” Jim murmured, though his smile was loud and bright. “I can feel the baby kicking.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, that’s the sign of a healthy baby.” She smiled. “He’s come back anemic. I’ll set up a CosmoFer IV if you wake him up for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, of course.” He smiled, stroking his hand through Freddie’s hair. “Freddie, sweetheart, you’ve got to wake up for me, just for a second.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie’s eyelashes fluttered and he stretched out a little, before he curled back up in the warmth of Jim’s arms and let out a long breath, snuggling down again. “Freddie.” Jim laughed, gently caressing the side of his face with his knuckles. “We just need to pop an IV in, sweetheart, and then you can go back to sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim smiled when Freddie slowly opened his eyes, pressing a kiss to his head as he yawned. “Do you have to?” He asked sleepily.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, baby. Two seconds.” He promised. “Just give Honey your arm, and then we’ll have it all done.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie yawned and sat up, giving his arm to Honey; he smiled tiredly at her as she quickly inserted the needle and covered it over with a stiff dressing. “There we go, sweetheart, all done.” She said softly. </p><p> </p><p>Jim shifted over in the bed so that the line wouldn’t pull and smiled when Freddie immediately snuggled down again. “Hopefully you’ll feel much better when you wake up.” He whispered. “But if you feel yucky at any time, then you wake me and you tell me, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie just nodded, and Jim fell asleep with his nose buried in his lover’s hair. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Jim’s hands were warm on his hips and he kissed the top of his head as he looked at himself in the mirror. “You’ve got some colour in your cheeks.” Jim smiled, one hand rubbing Freddie’s bump gently. “You look much healthier.”</p><p> </p><p>“How did you know?” Freddie asked softly, his smile warm and happy. “I don’t feel like I’m shivering anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“Years of medical training.” Jim chuckled. “I’m used to watching for signs of low iron in people. Usually it’s a good sign of internal bleeding.” He shrugged. “But I just like to keep an eye on any symptoms that you have, I’m happy with normal things, but I like to get Honey’s second opinion on anything that seems off.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a dream team.” He sat down on the sofa and picked up Maajid from his bouncer, cuddling him close to his chest. “You know, sometimes I can’t believe I actually managed to carry Maajid to almost full term. I can’t- I can’t believe he’s healthy, I can’t believe he’s okay and everything works.”</p><p> </p><p>“I must admit, darling, that sometimes I can’t believe you’re carrying your second baby within the year.” Jim sat beside him and tickled Maajid’s feet, making the baby screech with laughter. “And I can’t believe your body is doing so well.”</p><p> </p><p>“Apart from the whole anemia thing.” Freddie kissed Maajid’s head when he reached for his nose. “God, he’s just so little!”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s fucking gorgeous.” Jim stroked his cheek and smiled when the baby tried to suck on his finger. “Do you think he’s hungry?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, he had a bottle not too long ago. Probably just wants the comfort.” Freddie smiled. “Can you grab him one anyway, baby? Doesn’t have to be a big one, it might just settle him off to sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” He kissed Freddie’s forehead and smiled. He made up a small bottle, a few ounces, and cooled it under the tap until it was cool enough for the baby. “Can I give it to him?” He asked hopefully.</p><p> </p><p>“I love how excited you get.” Freddie smiled back at him, cheeks warm, and lifted Maajid to hand him to Jim. “Go to your Pop, sweetheart, he’s got dessert.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dessert!” Jim laughed and took Maajid, settling him in his arms before touching the bottle to his lips. “They should do it in chocolate flavour.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think baby formula comes in flavours.” Freddie chuckled. “Just milk flavour.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’d be nice, though, wouldn’t it?” He grinned. “Banana, chocolate, strawberry…”</p><p> </p><p>“Peanut butter.” He snorted as he stood up. “I’m going to go for a shower, darling, I’m feeling all kinds of sticky.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s all the milk you’ve spilt over you.” Jim smiled. “Go ahead, I’ll stay with the baby.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie smiled back at him, climbing the stairs and stretching his arms overhead; he waltzed into the bathroom and turned on the shower, stripping off his jumper and jeans and stepping into the water one it was warm. He watched himself in the mirror opposite him as his fingers knotted through his hair, scrubbing out the remnants of baby spit, old milk, and the smell of the hospital. He smiled as he let the suds wash out into the drain, his eyes closing as he allowed his fingers to skim his neck and his collarbones; his skin felt warm, his fingers soft against the rough patches of skin on his elbows, over his chest and over his bump.</p><p> </p><p>He yawned and drizzled shower gel into his hands, letting the bubbles drown his body in the scent of bubblegum and candyfloss; he laughed at the smell, a ridiculous concoction that Jim had bought him in the spirit of Christmas, and allowed his eyes to close. </p><p> </p><p>They opened momentarily when he heard his boyfriend laughing with his baby, and he smiled.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Final Straw</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A crescendo.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>She's even bringing back Embassy! Holy shit!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ-” Jim ran down the stairs and pulled Freddie into a hug, so tight against his chest. “Fucking hell, Freddie, where have you been? I’ve been worried sick!” </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He rested his cheek exhaustedly against Jim’s chest, barely holding Maajid up in his arms. “Sorry I’m home so late.” He whispered, closing his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where were you?” Jim asked again, pulling back and kissing Freddie’s forehead. “God, sweetheart, you look exhausted.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Working.” He murmured, letting Jim take the baby and then slowly sitting down on the floor of the hallway, his back to the wall; </span>
  <span>his head bowed down between his knees, too tired to hold up his head any longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Working?” Jim echoed, kneeling in front of him; a sudden realisation washed over him and he shivered. “Not- you weren’t working the streets, were you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He whispered. “No, just- just in a bar. Serving.” He added, each word slurred as though it was too much physical effort to open his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why were you doing that?” He asked, cupping his cheek and gently lifting his head; it was only then when he noticed Freddie’s lip was split. “Who did this to you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Need to sleep.” He murmured exhaustedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, baby, please.” He came a little closer. “Please, sweetheart, you’re scaring me. Tell me what happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rested his head against Jim’s shoulder. “Twenty-one thousand.” He mumbled. “His bar, or- or his boy. Just served drinks.” He whispered. “Should’ve- got to look prettier.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus.” Jim ran a hand through his hair. “Alright, baby, I’m going to get you to bed.” He promised, hooking his arms under Freddie’s shoulders and knees and lifting him against his chest; he left Maajid on the carpet for a moment as he carried Freddie upstairs and carefully lay him down amongst the sheets. He pulled his shoes off, followed by his jeans, but left him in his sweater and boxers. “Go to sleep, honey, we’ll talk about it in the morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were bright and his hands on the baby were gentle as he poured water through the little boy’s hair, growing dark and beginning to curl on the top of his head. “Oh, you’re a pretty baby!” Freddie sang happily. “With your big blue eyes and your curls. You’ll be to die for, honey.” He joked, reaching for the shampoo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was interrupted by a knock at the bathroom door. “It’s open, darling!” He called, looking over his shoulder with a smile. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing up?” He asked, kneeling beside him. “I assumed you’d sleep like the dead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can’t remember the last time I slept for more than four hours at a time.” Freddie chuckled, shaking his head. “Moosh was kicking and Maajid was crying, so I was awake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded distractedly, surveying the cut on his lip and the bruising on his jawline. “What happened last night, Freddie?” He asked again, resting a gentle hand on his thigh to try and comfort him. “I could barely get any sense out of you, you were so exhausted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not used to being on my feet for eight hours.” He shrugged. “I got a job, darling. There’s a bar on the high street that wanted some new staff, they took me on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” He questioned, though his voice was careful. “You’re eighteen weeks pregnant, Freddie. I can’t imagine that’s a great environment for you- you know, considering.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t indulge in anything, my love, don’t worry about me.” Freddie kissed his cheek gently as he took Maajid out the bath and wrapped him up in a towel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Jim repeated, gently taking his arm when he turned away from him. “Baby, please, tell me the truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused, and then let out a long sigh. “It’s really not a big deal.” He promised. “I got a letter from Luca- you know, the guy I used to work for. And it’s like I told you, he wants that twenty grand as an exit fee, but I hadn’t given him anything and he was starting to think I was mugging him off. So it’s twenty-one grand, now, because I fucked around.” He shrugged. “Anyway, he just asked me to go and meet him, so that we could have a conversation about the money. And I told him- I said that you had a job, but I didn’t, and he said that I should start earning some money so that I can start to pay off my exit. And he said- he’s got a patch here too, so I could work that for him. But I told him- I told him about the baby, and I said I didn’t really want to do anything while I was pregnant, but maybe I could afterwards. So one of his friends, he owns a bar, and we agreed I can work there while I’m pregnant, and then when I’ve had the baby, I’ll work the track for a couple of months.” He flashed his brightest smile at Jim. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, darling, this is the best bit- he’s agreed to lower it by five thousand if I entertain for him for a few nights when I’ve had the baby. He’s got this big business meeting, twenty-something guys coming to his, and it’s stretched over three nights. So I go there, I work on call for the three nights, you know, and then he’ll lower it by five grand.” He grinned. “It’s only bumps and bruises, at the end of the day, and it’s much quicker than I’ll earn it doing anything else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And why is your lip split?” Jim prompted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, just the usual.” Freddie shrugged. “His friend didn’t like the fact that I was wearing a jumper and jeans when I turned up to work. Just said it would teach me to pretty myself up some before I turn up for my shift.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck me.” Jim whispered, blowing out a hard breath. “No. You’re not doing it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie turned away and deftly dressed Maajid. “Don’t be silly. Of course I’m doing it, I’ve got to earn the money somehow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No-” Jim gently grabbed his shoulder. “Freddie, I’m being serious. You’re not working his fucking track.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie quirked a mocking eyebrow and carried Maajid back into the bedroom, where he gently laid him back down in his cot. “How else do you suggest I make the money, then, darling?” He asked sarcastically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not fucking hooking when you’ve just given birth to our baby!” He said incredulously. “I don’t know why this is such a fucking laugh to you-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A laugh to me?” Freddie laughed suddenly, pulling the bedroom door closed behind him. “Oh, that’s rich-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re out here acting like other men aren’t going to pay for your fucking cock!” He shook his head. “Are you fucking insane?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie walked past him, elbowing him out of the way as he walked down the stairs to the kitchen. “Freddie- stop walking away from me!” He shouted. “For fuck’s sake, stop treating this like a fucking joke to you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A joke to me?” Freddie spat back at him. “You’re not the one who bent over a fucking table at nineteen weeks pregnant!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The silence hung heavy in the air between them as they stared at one another; Freddie took a hard swallow and grabbed his jacket from the hook. “I’m going for a fucking cigarette.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, don’t-” Jim said instinctively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop fucking telling me what to do with my own damn body!” He shouted back at him, shoving the rusty key in the lock to open the door. He stormed out and slammed it behind it, his hands shaking as he messed with his lighter, touching it desperately to the end of the cigarette he had pinned between his lips; he swore when it burned the tip of his finger but took a deep breath of smoke instinctively, starting to walk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He covered his mouth with his sleeve when he coughed, out of practice with the smoke, and ashed it absentmindedly into the gutter beside him; his bare feet stung with the cold of the tiles, though he walked on regardless, without consideration of the stones and shards of glass that scraped his feet. He shivered a little, his fingers quickly reddening from the icy cold, and hugged his arm around himself for warmth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure where he was walking, concentric circles slowly closing in on Shepherd’s Bush station; he idly wondered whether he could earn enough for a day ticket on the tube with a quickie in the men’s. It wouldn’t be the first time, he mused, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” A voice came from one of the houses, waving at him. “Hey, are you okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was a little taken aback, but nodded regardless. “Yeah. Just- just having a fag.” He smiled despite himself, holding up his cigarette and only then realising it had burned down to the filter without as much as three drags taken from it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s cold out, hey?” The voice asked sympathetically, a young man opening his front door and holding out a pair of slippers. “You’ve walked past here four times. Want these?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled a little more and took them from the stranger, slipping them onto his feet; they were numb from the cold. “Thanks.” He grinned, rubbing his arm. “God, it’s freezing when you stop.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The stranger laughed. “Do you want to come in for a few minutes? I mean- I’m assuming home probably isn’t that great.” He said, gesturing to Freddie’s feet. “If you left like that, I mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” Freddie shivered when the man wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Who are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My name’s Jamie.” He said happily, holding the door open for Freddie. “Do you drink tea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love tea.” He said, following him into the kitchen; he was taken aback by its grandeur, its warmth, and its homeliness. “Thanks for this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No problem.” He grinned back. “Do you live around here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what road I’m even on.” He chuckled. “Holland Road.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s a yes, then.” He laughed. “Milk and sugar?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please.” Freddie smiled, though his teeth chattered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You poor thing, you must be frozen.” He said sympathetically. “I forgot to ask you- what’s your name?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie.” He said softly, startled by the intensity of Jamie’s stare when he looked up quickly. He thought for a moment why the name reminded him of something-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You probably won’t believe this, but my boyfriend and I, we met at college. We were both studying hairdressing.” Jim grinned. “I dropped out to take A-levels and do medicine instead, but I still got about six months of the classes in before I did. And Jamie actually works as a hairdresser now, so I stole his spare kitbag.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie.” Jamie repeated, starting to laugh. “I suppose it’s only inevitable we’d meet after a while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry?” He offered meekly, shy he’d offended. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry for what?” Jamie grinned. “I’m the last person you need to apologise to, darling. I’m pleased Jim’s got someone new.” He shrugged. “Gave me my freedom back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie cradled the mug he was given close to his chest. “He said you’d been together a long time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Only in name. We hadn’t really been together spiritually for years.” He sighed. “It turns out that a man who works night-shifts isn’t really my idea of fun. Like living on your own, most of the time.” He glanced at him and smiled sympathetically. “I suppose you know what it’s like, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie said softly, resting his hand instinctively against his stomach. “Is there anywhere- do you mind if I sit down? My back’s killing me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, of course not!” He ushered him through into the lounge. “I hope it’s not insensitive to ask if you’re pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I am.” He laughed a little. “Nineteen weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Congratulations!” He said earnestly. “Is it Jim’s?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So much for his infertility.” He laughed. “I’m really happy for you. He always wanted a baby, so badly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was a surprise for both of us. He told me the same thing, about his fertility.” He explained. “And I was only three weeks out from having my second, so I didn’t think anything of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet that’s a busy household!” He grinned. “A toddler, a baby, and you’re pregnant again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well-” He blushed nervously. “My first was actually a late miscarriage. So we’ve just got the one baby at home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry to hear that.” He said softly. “So, if you’re having his baby, why are you walking around the back roads of Kensington in your bare feet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stayed quiet for a long moment, staring into his tea. “We just had an argument.” He admitted. “He- I got a job, and he isn’t too happy about it. And I- I know why, I mean, it’s just-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, he loves providing.” Jamie chuckled. “I earn jack shit, really, in comparison to him. He always loved to be the one that would buy things for me, designer clothes and things like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been pregnant pretty much the whole time I’ve known him, so I haven’t worked too much while we’ve been together.” He admitted. “I- God, I shouldn’t tell you this, but I was- I guess you could say trafficked? When I was sixteen, and I’ve worked in sex work since. And I tried to leave, you know, but it’s not really as easy as that. So Jim isn’t too pleased that- well, I’m back on their books, and they want me to start working to pay off my exit when I’ve had my baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jamie whistled and arched an eyebrow. “Jesus, that’s a complex one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie laughed a little. “Anyway, he asked me if I was out of my fucking mind because I agreed to work with them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When did you start working for him?” He asked. “How old were you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sixteen.” He said shyly. “I was there seven and a half years.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so-” Jamie reached into the bag that he’d abandoned on the other sofa and pulled out a business card, handing it to Freddie. “I don’t know if Jim told you, but I work as a hairdresser. And part of doing it is being able to recognise when people are having their identity changed as a part of trafficking.” He explained. “I might just have a plan to get you out of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie frowned. “How does it work?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Basically, you convince your guy that you wanted to leave Jim, but you’re scared he’ll come back and find you if you look the same. You book an appointment with me, I tip the police off, they come and arrest him for trafficking when you show up together.” He shrugged. “Sound okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’d do that for me.” He said quietly. “I- I slept with your boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you clearly make him really happy.” He replied gently. “Listen, when Jim gets like that- it’s because he loves you and that baby, and he wants you both to be safe. And he can be a fucking asshole when he gets upset, I’m not excusing that, but I genuinely think it’s from a good place.” He explained. “Listen- why don’t you go home and pass that idea by him? I wouldn’t want him to feel like you’re plotting with me without him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie agreed, draining the last of his mug and then standing up. “I- thanks, Jamie. I mean it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No problem.” He stood with him. “You know, I- I knew he was having an affair with you. He wasn’t subtle. But- well, I’m glad you did.” He admitted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re glad?” Freddie echoed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was seeing another guy.” He said in a whisper. “I didn’t want to tell him, you know. Didn’t want to break his heart, because he- he’d never really shown an interest in anybody else until you. He never really went out, but as soon as he met you, he was staying out, he was- he was honestly just happier once he knew you. And then I knew I could be honest with him and say I was in love with someone else, because so was he.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned forward and hugged him. “I never expected you to be so nice.” He smiled softly. “I can see why he loved you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You flatter me.” He hugged back. “Go home, get warm, talk to Jim, and look after those babies of yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He agreed. “Thanks, Jamie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as his trembling hand pushed the key into the door, it was swinging open; Freddie gasped as he was enveloped in a hug, Jim’s around him so desperate to hold him. “Baby, sweetheart, my love-” Jim choked out. “Darling, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” Freddie whispered, leaning up and wrapping his arms around Jim’s neck. “It’s alright, darling, I shouldn’t have snapped, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have shouted at you.” He murmured, resting his forehead on Freddie’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault, none of this is your fault, baby, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” He murmured again. “I’m just overtired and scared, darling, I didn’t mean to blow up at you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” He asked seriously. “It’s so cold, baby, you didn’t even have shoes- I wanted to come after you but I knew you’d just put the baby down and I didn’t want to leave him on his own in case something happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” He promised. “I- I just- I didn’t want to tell you about what happened, I- I didn’t want you to think I was some kind of whore.” He laughed a little. “I mean-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think that. I think he’s manipulating you.” He whispered. “Did you consent? Because he assaulted you last time you saw him, and you never- you never told the police, but you need to, you have to-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can go to the police.” He took a deep breath. “I- I saw Jamie. And when I spoke to him, I- I realised that I’m scared of him, I’m scared of what he’ll do if I put him in prison, but I-I’m just as scared of him if he stays out, because he-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes suddenly brimmed with tears and Jim hugged him fiercely. “I don’t want to do it anymore.” Freddie admitted. “I don’t want to work, I- it really hurt, last night, my back was fucking killing, I was so tired. And I don’t want to work for him, I’m tired of hooking- he really hurt me.” He whispered. “He treats me like- like a sex doll, Jim, I always have been- and it’s no fun when you’re sober.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grabbed his jacket. “I’m taking you to hospital.” He said seriously. “I don’t trust that bastard not to have- have fucking diseases, and I’m not having you sick because of him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie swallowed, and Jim could see the nervousness behind his eyes, but he nodded all the same. “And check the baby.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, darling, of course we’ll check the baby. And we can speak to the police while we’re there.” He added.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not yet.” He said quickly. “Because when I was speaking to Jamie, darling- well, I think we came up with a plan.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Men Are All The Same</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tempers.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW// victim blame, self-blame, victim doubt, HIV misinformation, nasty language + a lot of tempers</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Here, darling, have this.” Jim pulled his jacket off quickly and wound it around Freddie’s shoulders when he shivered, bringing his knees up closer to his chest to keep himself warm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Freddie’s teeth chattered as he smiled back at him, his skin icy when Jim clasped his fingers between his palms. He cradled the baby up against his chest, shaking fingers grooming back the baby’s hair, and curled up closer when Jim wound the same arm around his shoulders. “Fucking freezing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you could do with a bit of care when we get home.” Jim kissed his forehead. “I’ll run you a bath, warm you up, get you fed, and you can have a bit of sleep while I look after Maajid. How does that sound?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Perfect.” He whispered. He looked up quickly when Honey came into the room and smiled widely at her, sitting up a little. “Hello, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled back at him, though it looked a little tight. “I’ve got your test results, honey.” She told him. “For you and the baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And?” Jim asked impatiently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your baby is fine.” She promised. “No bleeding, strong heart rate, he’s nice and calm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grinned at him, cheeks reddening; they clasped their hands together excitedly. “He’s alright.” He repeated, breathing out slowly. “Oh, thank fuck!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“However-” She started, and they both looked up at her immediately. “Freddie, there’s no easy way to say this, but- your blood tests have shown that you’re HIV positive.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim dropped his hand as though he’d been burned, while Freddie sat completely still, lips caught on a gasp. “What?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got evidence of a high viral load.” She sighed and sat down opposite him. “Your CD4 count - that’s the number of a certain type of cells in your blood that fight infection - is sitting at about three hundred, which is really quite low. Which- Freddie, it suggests that you’ve been infected for quite a while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie sat perfectly still, completely silent, but Jim stood up restlessly. “Have I got it?” He asked her bluntly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s best that you get tested as soon as you can.” She said honestly. “We can be relatively certain that you were infected after you had Maajid, because he tested negative in the routine tests we did when he was born. But- well, I’m assuming you’ve been sexually active together since then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim mouthed helplessly for a moment, his cheeks colouring with humiliation, and a look of thunder crossed his face. “For fuck’s sake.” He said breathlessly, seizing the door handle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-” Freddie said quietly. “Please don’t-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need to know if I’ve fucking caught it!” He wrenched the door open; the slam resounded through the room and Freddie covered his mouth with his cold hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at Honey, who seemed as shocked as he felt, and swallowed hard. “What do I do?” He asked, tears burning at the back of his throat. “Honey, I…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart, don’t cry.” She sat beside him and rubbed a hand against his shoulder. “We’ll do another test, just to make sure, okay? And then we’ll get you on treatment as soon as we can, we’ve still got twenty weeks to try our best to make sure your load is down by the time you have your baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Am I going to die?” He asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, darling, I promise.” She said gently. “You’re not going to die, and neither is your baby. But you’ve just got to work with us, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded shakily, balling his spare hand into a fist and then releasing it, over and over again, trying to bleed some of the tension out of his muscles. “What if- what if I’ve given it to Jim?” He asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim could’ve given it to you, darling, remember. It’s not automatically your fault.” She said softly. “You were assaulted, Freddie, Jim will understand that it wasn’t deliberate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He slept with the same guy for sixteen years before he met me.” He whispered. “It’s- I- fuck, he’ll be so fucking mad at me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Honey frowned a little. “Does he get angry with you often?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no.” He said quickly. “But he- his temper- it can be a little quick. And I- I just don’t- I don’t want to lose him.” His eyes brimmed with tears and he swallowed heavily. “It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine- hopefully he won’t have gotten it at all.” He breathed out, nodding resolutely. “If it’s- if it’s just me, that’s fine, I’ve already fucked myself up in a hundred different ways.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Darling-” Honey said, her voice a little reproachful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s true, isn’t it?” He laughed, though the sound was miserable and a tear crept down his cheek. “I- I guess it’s what I deserve. My body’s always been some kind of trash can- it’s not like I’ve ever really tried to look after myself.” He bowed his head down, exposing the long, sad line of his neck and the bruises that were littered across his shoulders, angry scars and fresh marks, the old and the new blended in a twisted canvas deep in his skin. “God, I can’t believe I ever thought I could be normal. You can’t- I’ll do this until the day I die.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could’ve sworn the ward around him became no more quiet, no matter how long the night drew on for as he waited to see his new consultant; he felt so small, and so alone, as he curled up with a baby in his arms and the other kicking his stomach. He hummed quietly to try and distract Maajid from the shouting further down the corridor, rocking him when he started to stir, trying to comfort him as best he could-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The curtain around his bed was thrown open. “You fucking bastard!” Jim shouted, and Freddie looked up at him, eyes wide and frightened. “You- you fucking- you reckless cunt!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-” Freddie said weakly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You fucking knew it!” He yelled back at him. “You knew you were- you were fucking tainted, and you-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t!” He insisted. “Why the fuck-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a whore!” He shouted. “You- you fucking trapped me, with that baby, and all the time you knew-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I trapped you?” Freddie stuttered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You knew all I ever wanted was a baby!” He clenched his fists. “You abused that so that I’d give you fucking money-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t have even had the baby if you didn’t want it!” He burst out, watching as Jim was suddenly stunned into silence. “I didn’t want another kid! But I thought you- you loved us!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t love you.” He spat back. “I could- I could love you if you were fucking normal, if you ever- ever fucking thought, Freddie! If you ever used a single fucking brain cell, if you- if you knew how to do something other than fucking bend over-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you!” Freddie shouted back. “He raped me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do I know that’s true?” Jim wrinkled his nose in disgust. “After eight years of being his whore-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get out!” Freddie grabbed an empty syringe from the table and threw it at him. “Fuck you, you fucking bastard!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go fuck yourself.” Jim spat, grabbing a cup of cold coffee from the counter and stalking towards the bed- Freddie had just enough time to cover Maajid’s face before the coffee was poured all over them both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You fucking psycho!” Freddie shouted, blindly slapping what he could reach - the front of Jim’s chest. “Get the fuck away from me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kicked at the foot of his bed before he left the cubicle. “Gladly.” He muttered as he walked away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit-” Honey ran into the room and grabbed a cloth from the counter, using it to haphazardly mop Freddie’s face and hair. “Freddie, what just happened?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you probably heard.” He whispered, using the other end of the towel to clean off Maajid’s face. “Fuck, he’s soaked, that was freezing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get you some clean clothes for him.” She promised. “And you, Jesus.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- I don’t know-” He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. “He’s never been like that before. He- it was like he was a whole new person, I mean, he was so different- the things he called me-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay.” She murmured. “It’s the shock, people take diagnoses like that very, very differently, and it can- unfortunately, it can turn some people into assholes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t my fault.” His lower lip trembled and he covered his mouth with his spare hand, looking down and squeezing his eyes together tightly. “I didn’t- he forced me, I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to have sex with him, and he- I wasn’t just being fucking reckless, I- I knew the risk, I didn’t want to take it, but he- he would’ve killed the baby- I thought Jim wanted the fucking baby-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A sudden shock of cold ran through Freddie’s body, ice infusing through his veins and forcing him rigid, as though he was already dead. “How the hell am I supposed to look after two children on my own?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Honey tried her best to reassure him. “There’s plenty of support, Freddie, we can get you in touch with-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it too late for an abortion?” He asked abruptly. “I- I can’t do kids, Honey, I’m awful- I- if Jim isn’t there, I can’t, I don’t want it, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t make any decisions too quickly.” She said gently. “You’re in shock, Freddie, you’re scared, you’ve overwhelmed, it’s a lot to take on all at once. You’ve got five weeks to make that decision, don’t make it right now when you might regret it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- I can’t, I can’t, Honey, I don’t want a baby with- with a man who can be like that.” He whispered, tripping over his words, struggling to breathe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s frightening, sweetheart. I know it can be really damn scary when somebody you thought you knew everything about suddenly shows their temper for the first time, but I don’t want you to rush that decision.” She repeated. “I want you to be sound of mind, okay? And right now, you’re emotional and you’re tired and you’re embarrassed and it’s not a good time to make such a life-changing decision.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t.” He whispered, bending over as though his stomach was in agony. “I hate this, I fucking hate it, I- I can’t do it, Honey, I can’t- he was my only fucking chance-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s not, darling.” She said soothingly, helping him to uncurl. “Breathe, honey, just focus on your breaths for me. We can fix this, Freddie, I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck am I supposed to fix this?” He whimpered. “I- I’ve got no fucking money, I’m nineteen fucking weeks pregnant, I’ve got a baby that’s only five months old, and I- I- now I’m fucking sick-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can fix it.” She promised him again, but the waver in her voice only made his own grow more panicked. “You don’t need Jim, Freddie, you can do this on your own.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so tired of being on my own!” He shouted as he covered his face, his shoulders shaking with his tears. “No one- no one wants me for more than- than my body, my fucking ass, and now I’ve ruined that too!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not ruined.” She said, her voice more firm. “Not ruined at all, Freddie. This is just another hurdle, and you’ve overcome so much already- you can overcome this too.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Long Car Rides</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The incomplete truth.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW// lots of hastily researched medical procedures, violence, coercion.</p><p>We're time-skipping about six weeks here!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> You’ll learn your fucking lesson, one way or another- </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>His hands were trembling, his body buzzed on six coffees, no sleep, and anxiety that gripped his throat so hard that he felt he could choke. He clasped his fingers behind his head, the repeated ticking of the clock thundering around his skull, time seeming to magnify and expand to fill every crack and corner of the little family room that he’d spent years giving bad news in-</p><p> </p><p>“He’s out.” Honey said, sitting down beside Jim. “Out of surgery, I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s alive?” He asked breathlessly, looking up immediately.</p><p> </p><p>“They both are.” She murmured, rubbing his back gently. “The baby was delivered at 7:04.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shit.” He whispered.</p><p> </p><p>“Twenty-five weeks. But he’s alive.” She repeated. “You were having a little boy, after all.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus.” He covered his mouth. “Can I-”</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll have to get Freddie’s permission first.” She told him. “He put an order on his file that said you weren’t allowed anything to do with his children. And obviously- you know, we’ve waived that a little, otherwise I wouldn’t be telling you this. But you need to wait until he’s awake to ask him, and- Jim, he’s very sick right now.”</p><p> </p><p>He nodded, clasping his fingers together again; she could see that he’d bitten his thumbnail raw. “What was it, in the end? They kicked me out the emergency department pretty much as soon as I came through the door, I wasn’t even allowed to hear the handover.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hypovolemic shock. He lost about four units of blood with the abruption, he would’ve literally bled out if we hadn’t gotten him into surgery.” She sighed. “Four broken ribs, broken left collarbone, crush injuries in his hands, and he’s broken his nose. He’d lost a lot of weight, too, so his body- it was struggling, you know what I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>“I nearly didn’t go.” He whispered. “I- I wondered if he was being dramatic, if he’d- I don’t know, if he’d seen me out of a window or something, but I went in and that- that fucking monster was on top of him, and- Jesus, Honey, I’ve seen blood before, but it- it looked like a fucking murder scene.”</p><p> </p><p>“It would’ve been, if you hadn’t gone in there.” She said softly. “He hadn’t come in for an appointment since we’d diagnosed him with HIV. Hadn’t gotten his treatment, didn’t come to check on the baby, missed Maajid’s appointment- we were starting to think he’d moved away and hadn’t told us.”</p><p> </p><p>“He was working.” Jim said quietly. “I saw guys- he was just working, it was literally all the time, day and night. He- God, if that psychopath’s been controlling him, I don’t know if he would’ve been allowed out of the house. I never saw him leave, I only ever saw him in the doorway.”</p><p> </p><p>“It sounds like torture.” She said quietly. “Jim, I’m sure you know, but- your baby is really sick.” She sighed. “I- I just don’t want you to assume that we’re- we’re out of the woods with him, you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“How big is he?” He asked, biting his lip.</p><p> </p><p>“Barely breaking two pounds.” She told him. “We were very lucky that we got him out so quickly. He’s very underdeveloped, he’s on oxygen, he’s in an incubator, and he’ll have a feeding tube until he’s learned how to feed properly, which might take a while. But there’s no sign of any brain damage, anything like that, which was our first worry. Freddie really did try with everything he had to keep him safe.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’ll teach you to fucking run from me- </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’ll teach you what your fucking place is- </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You’re my bitch. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He was cold, so cold, his hands feeling as though they’d been packed in ice and looking so pale; Jim clasped his hand in both of his own, touching his lips to Freddie’s knuckles gently. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, though he knew there was no way that Freddie would hear him; he squeezed his fingers slightly and sighed. “I shouldn’t have ever left you alone, I- it wasn’t your fault, I was just upset, I knew- I knew it would affect my job, and I wanted to be able to support all of us, and I- I took it out on you, and you- you didn’t deserve it-”</p><p> </p><p>He quietened as the doctor came in, looking up at him like a child in disgrace; though he knew almost everybody in those wards, he felt for the first time as though he was underneath all of them, completely dependent. “Is he okay?” He asked weakly.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s okay.” She told him. “The anaesthetic will wear off before too much longer. I’m just going to-” She quickly unhooked a bag of concentrated red blood cells and attached a new one. “We need to make sure he’s got enough all the time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah, of course.” He shook his head back from his face. “Do you know he hasn’t been on his treatment?”</p><p> </p><p>“We’ve given him an antiretroviral shot.” The doctor promised. “Just in case there’s a risk he could develop HIV-2 from the assault. We’re trying to minimise any lasting damage. And don’t worry, we’re starting him up with his tablets while he’s here, as soon as he’s able to sit up and swallow them again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” He whispered. “I just- I’m just worrying, you know, in case there’s an infection and he’s too sick.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’ve got a very close eye on him, don’t worry.” She smiled. “It’s ICU, we look up close for a living.”</p><p> </p><p>He smiled shyly. “Thanks.” He whispered again.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> You were making a scene because you’re sick? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You’re positive? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Well, I wonder where the fuck you got that from. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> We’re all sick around here, honey, if he hadn’t caught it off you it would’ve been one of the others.  </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>His hand trembled as his fingers slowly closed around the polystyrene cup; he watched his own hand as though it belonged to someone else, willing himself not to spill the water in his lap. “Where-” He croaked, but his throat was too raw and dry to speak; he lifted the cup slowly to his lips, sipped a little, and then tried again. “Where’s my baby?”</p><p> </p><p>He seemed so detached, glazed behind the eyes, as she watched him; his body seemed to move robotically. “He’s in the NICU.” Honey said gently. “But he’s alive, Freddie. He’s pulling through.”</p><p> </p><p>He nodded a little, sipping his water again. “Is my boyfriend here?”</p><p> </p><p>“Jim?” She asked gently. “No, darling, he-”</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, Luca.” He said tiredly. “He’ll be needing me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I believe he’s speaking to the police right now.” She said carefully. </p><p> </p><p>“When can I leave?” He asked. “I need to go to work, I-”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think you’ll be going to work at all anytime soon.” She insisted. “You’re very sick, darling.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bumps and bruises.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s fine, I’m fine, I-”</p><p> </p><p>He reached for one of the lines in his arm and started to pull. “Freddie-” She said urgently. “Freddie, you need to-” She grabbed both of his wrists in her hands. “I don’t think you understand just how sick you are.”</p><p> </p><p>“If I die, I die.” He muttered, struggling a little in her grasp, but his body was weak and he gave up easily with a long sigh; he looked defeated, miserable, not anything like what she’d expected. “I can still lay there, can’t I? I’m still useful.”</p><p> </p><p>“Freddie, what the hell happened?” She asked quietly. “You’ve broken five bones, you’ve shattered your nose, you had some of the worst blood loss I’ve ever seen-”</p><p> </p><p>She stopped when she knew he wasn’t listening; instead, he stared down at his hand, and she saw a large diamond ring on it. He twisted his wrist this way and that, watching how it sparkled in the fluorescent lighting. “It was all I wanted.” He said quietly, and for the first time she swore she saw tears welling in his eyes. “It’s- it’s worth it, I- it’s just a bump in the road, I can- I can get over it.”</p><p> </p><p>She could remember giving him the same advice, back when his cheeks weren’t sunken, back when his body was healthy, back when she’d believed the words that she’d spoken. “What happened?” She asked him again.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine.” He tried his best to smile at her, but the corners of his mouth dragged downwards; she could see that he was missing one of his teeth. “I, I just- we just had a disagreement.”</p><p> </p><p>“About what?” She pushed.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think it’s really relevant.” He lay back on his bed, suddenly feeling sick, nauseous at the idea of ever leaving that little room again. “Lover’s tiff.”</p><p> </p><p>“A lover’s tiff doesn’t leave you with four broken ribs.” She said seriously. “And an abruption so bad it nearly kills you.”</p><p> </p><p>“But it didn’t, did it?” He closed his eyes slowly; when he lay there, so still, hollowed out in all the wrong places and so pale, she swore he could’ve been dead. “Can I talk to him?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She said carefully.</p><p> </p><p>“Please?” Freddie whispered.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> The telephone line crackled. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You were fucking lucky this time. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Next time I won’t be so careful.  </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Jim’s footsteps were heavy on the vinyl, echoing as he ran up the stairs as quick as he could, taking them two at a time. His own hand was in plaster again, and he swore the man’s blood was still on his skin underneath, etched in in a way that would never come clean, no matter how many times he washed-</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Freddie’s voice was thick, like he’d been crying, and Jim froze on the other side of the wall, listening to the muffled words that bled through the cracks in the brick. “Tonight, eight, you can- yeah, make appointments from then- I just need the painkillers first, I-”</p><p> </p><p>There was nothing for a long time, and Jim crept a little closer to the door, wondering if he’d maybe gone back to his room-</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, sir.” He said quietly. “No, no, of course I don’t need the painkillers, I- I know you want me on top performance, I’ve wasted a night’s work, the drugs won’t help-”</p><p> </p><p>Jim swallowed as he heard Freddie’s voice crack. “Please don’t put the money up.” He begged hoarsely. “I can- I can still entertain, I’ll just buy a nice shirt, they don’t have to see- no, no, I don’t care about the baby, he’ll be dead before next week-”</p><p> </p><p>He took a long sigh. “Thank you, sir.” Freddie whispered. “I’ll see you tonight.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim watched from outside the door as Freddie set the phone back on the receiver and straightened out his t-shirt, taking a deep breath and wincing before he stood up and went back towards Honey. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi, darling.” He smiled, though she could see it was hazy from the pain; she’d upped his dose of morphine four times, and yet nothing seemed to cut the pain. “Listen, I- I need to go home tonight.”</p><p> </p><p>She frowned and clasped her fingers. “You know that’d be strictly against medical advice.” She told him. “Don’t you want to see your baby?”</p><p> </p><p>“My boyfriend wants to take me out.” He smiled, though it didn’t touch his eyes in the same way as it had when they’d been in bed together, laughing and kissing as though the rest of the world couldn’t touch them. “Wants to apologise.”</p><p> </p><p>“He can do that here.” She said carefully. “We can arrange for you to be alone, it can be private, don’t worry.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, he really wants me to go out with him.” He insisted. “Could you- can I have another dose before I go?”</p><p> </p><p>She frowned, but Jim could see how Freddie had wrapped her around his finger; she relented quickly. “Oral or IV?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oral’s fine.” He took the tablet and held it securely in the palm of his hand, before he turned back to his room. “I’ll be off soon- you can make me an outpatient appointment, the address is the same.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> You’re a good boy, aren’t you? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’ve never had somebody prettier before. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Even one handed, Jim had turned his knuckles scarlet; though he’d broken Luca’s nose with the strike that had broken one of the bones in his hand-</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (scaphoid, lunate, triquetral and pisiform)  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (trapezium, trapezoid, capitate and hamate.) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His right hand was deadlier than his left, and his feet were more deadly than his hands, and his teeth deadlier yet. They’d fought tooth-and-claw, hand-and-nail, scraping and biting and tearing one another to shreds- blood leaked into his left eye but he didn’t care, he didn’t care that his jeans were torn as he scrambled across the perfect little privet lawn of 30 Holland Road for his prize, blood-stained and yet still holding the same power-</p><p> </p><p>Because the key made the engine work.</p><p> </p><p>He was going to be arrested for so many things, he knew, vehicle theft, grievous bodily harm if he’d done the damage he wanted to, attempted murder if Luca spun the charge the right way. None of it seemed to matter as he jabbed the key into the slot in his black BMW, because he knew that Freddie would get into that car, he knew that Freddie would climb into it and buckle even before he’d even looked up, resolutely set on his future-</p><p> </p><p>He ran the engine outside the doors of the hospital, looking crazed, debauched, wounded in the face and bloodying his clothes, and yet he couldn’t begin to care.</p><p> </p><p>The click of the door was like a magnet, his head snapping around quick as anything to watch Freddie climb into the passenger side- Freddie, pale as death, sweat-slick, so vulnerable. He drove, locking the doors quickly before he could realise the trap-</p><p> </p><p>And after it all, he was slightly impressed by the venom in Freddie’s voice. “What- the fuck-” He spat, his hand immediately going for the door handle. “Are you doing here?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a long fucking story.” He said quietly. “Luca’s on your front doorstep. I called the ambulance.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie laughed a little, shaking his head in disgust. “Stop the car.” He said immediately. When Jim ignored him, he reached over for the wheel. “Stop- stop the fucking car!”</p><p> </p><p>Jim grabbed his wrist, feeling immediately bad when Freddie whined, just a little, with the pain- he’d had a PICC line in there until half an hour ago. “I refuse to let you die.” He said seriously, pushing him back a little when Freddie launched his bodyweight at him. “Freddie- Freddie- fucking hell!” He grabbed the wheel to stop them lurching into the wrong lane.</p><p> </p><p>“Let me go!” He shouted.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not letting you die!” He shouted back, elbowing his arm when he reached over again. “Freddie, just- fucking think!”</p><p> </p><p>He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. “I thought you said all I could do was bend over.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not stupid.” Jim said seriously. “You know Luca tried to kill you.”</p><p> </p><p>“So what if he did?” He spat back. “What the fuck has it got to do with you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I’m the father of your fucking baby, Freddie, and that would’ve been my child that he’d killed!” He said exasperatedly. “Listen, Freddie, I made a mistake-”</p><p> </p><p>“God, don’t fucking bother with your apologies.” He turned to look out the window, at the streets of Hammersmith and Fulham as they sped past. “I don’t give a fuck.”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s going to kill you, Freddie.” Jim repeated again. “And I don’t think you want-”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop trying to fucking guess what I want!” Freddie shouted. “You don’t know shit!”</p><p> </p><p>Jim took a long breath, squeezing his hands hard on the steering wheel, but he kept his calm. “What do you want, Freddie? Because I refuse to believe it’s this.”</p><p> </p><p>He stayed quiet for a long, stubborn moment, and Jim sighed. “Come on, Freddie, talk to me. Please.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie swallowed, hard, and Jim could see a bruise rising on the skin that wasn’t covered by the tatty shirt he wore- he knew Freddie was getting sicker as they sat together. “He loves me.” He mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>“He doesn’t love you.” Jim said immediately. “He wouldn’t have done any of this if he loved you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just fucked up-” Freddie started, and Jim couldn’t help but allow his temper to break through. </p><p> </p><p>“Think, Freddie!” He shouted again. “Think, please, fucking hell, think!”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, just let me die!” He shouted, covering his head with his hands and curling his whole body tightly again, trying to breathe through the pain in his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“Take the tablets in your bag.” Jim said seriously. “Freddie, I know you’ve been stashing your tablets, take them.”</p><p> </p><p>He went to seize a handful, but Jim grabbed his wrist, turning suddenly onto the other side of the road. “Just take two.” He said firmly. “Because I’m a doctor, and I will just stick my fucking fingers down your throat if I have to.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t understand why you care so much.” Freddie muttered, but he took two regardless, swallowing them dry and then tucking his knees up to his stomach; he knew that trying anything in front of Jim would only end in disaster.</p><p> </p><p>“Because I love you, Freddie.” He told him, rolling his eyes when he scoffed a little.</p><p> </p><p>“Please-” Freddie muttered.</p><p> </p><p>“No, Freddie, I do.” He said seriously. “And I’m a fucking asshole with a temper, and I say all the wrong things, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You could’ve fucking fooled me.” He mumbled; when Jim glanced over at him again, he looked even paler.</p><p> </p><p>“Listen, I need to take you back to the hospital.” He said firmly. “We can talk this through there- you’re still sick, Freddie, you need more blood.”</p><p> </p><p>“Not worth it.” He mumbled tiredly, his head slumping down a little. </p><p> </p><p>“You are.” Jim insisted. “You are, fucking hell, Freddie, you are.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> You thought you could mug me off with that doctor boyfriend of yours? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You thought I wouldn’t know this was your plan all along? </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
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</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The room was quieter when the crash team had left, when his blood pressure had stablised, when his blood volume had been restored, but he looked exhausted as he lay in the little bed, wounded, defeated.</p><p> </p><p>“I know he’s going to kill me.” Freddie murmured. “You said it like I didn’t know. I know.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim clasped their hands together and was comforted by the slightest twitch of Freddie’s fingers that he’d sworn could’ve been a squeeze. “Then why do you stay with him?” He asked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>“How do you get out?” Freddie asked exhaustedly. “No money, the baby’s hungry, he cries all night, I can’t sleep anyway- if I make money then I can sleep. I just want- I want quiet, Jim. I just want everything to- to go quiet, no baby, no- no men, just quiet, so I can sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve got to stay awake a little longer yet.” Jim murmured, his voice more gentle, more soothing, more comforting. “But I’ve got you, I’m here with you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t beat him.” Freddie murmured. “I can’t- I have to make money, I- I have to work.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve done enough work.” Jim said seriously. “Let us do the work, Freddie.”</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t fix me.” He mumbled, almost delusional with exhaustion. “I broke the baby.”</p><p> </p><p>“The baby isn’t broken.” He promised, kissing Freddie’s knuckles. “And neither are you. Stay awake for me, Freddie, I need you to stay awake until you’ve got another unit in you.”</p><p> </p><p>He swallowed, his mouth open as though he was gasping for air, and his eyelids drooped a little. “You have the baby.” He murmured. “When I- when I die, he’s yours.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going to die.” Jim smoothed his hair back; his skin was clammy under his hand. “We can try again, Freddie, we can be a family of four- you, me, Maajid- and your baby was a boy, Freddie, we had a little boy. And right now, he’s really sick, but one day he’ll be big and strong and we can take him home, just like we did with Maajid, you and I can buy a place of our own and start all fresh and you can- you always wanted a window seat, didn’t you? A nice hanging chair? You could have a hanging chair, and you can sit there, and you can feed our son. How does that sound?”</p><p> </p><p>It was the first genuine smile on Freddie’s face that he’d seen in weeks. “Good.” He whispered.</p><p> </p><p>“Good, good, yeah, exactly.” He smiled, leaning down and kissing his cheek gently. “And we can- we’ll never run out of anything ever again, I’ll start working again when I’m better, and I- I can help you. And you and I, Maajid, the baby-”</p><p> </p><p>“Ejaz.” Freddie murmured, the word heavy on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Ejaz, that’s beautiful.” Jim smiled. “Ejaz, Maajid, you and I. And we- we’ll be a proper family, Freddie, I promise- I won’t ever fuck up that badly again.” He whispered. “I’ll never- I’ll never walk out on you again, baby, I promise. We could get married one day, you know? And I’ll make sure that you’re all safe, you’re provided for- that motherfucker can go to prison- I promise I’ll always look after you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Freddie whispered, fighting a losing battle against sleep; Jim clasped his hand so tightly in between his own and rested his forehead against them.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you.” Jim whispered. “And I’m sorry, Freddie.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim hooked up another unit of blood when one of his pumps started to chime, working quickly and methodically to try and distract himself from the possibility that his lover could die in the bed beside him: whilst he worked, he was useful, he was keeping him going another minute longer. </p><p> </p><p>And he knew Freddie appreciated it when he whispered a <em> love you, too.  </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What do we think happened in the interim?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Reconnecting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Learning one another, once again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The calm after the storm!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>His fingers looked awfully fragile as they cupped his mug, seeking the warmth of the tea that crept through the porcelain and directly into his bones as he drew the blanket over himself. “What’s this ward?” He asked Honey, his voice soft and hushed. “It’s so quiet in here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is the ICU, darling.” She told him, mopping up a little tea when he spilled it on his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why am I here?” He asked curiously, tucking his knees up a little. “I’m awake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At the moment, you’re classed as high-dependency.” She explained. “Just whilst you need the oxygen and the transfusions running. Once we know that you’ve stopped bleeding, then we’ll be able to move you down onto the antenatal ward, then you can be close to Ejaz.” She smiled. “But we all agreed it would be best to have you on a ward that was closer-by for the crash team, if you needed them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded idly. “Am I really that sick?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know I won’t lie to you, darling- the team are just a little worried about the bleeding.” She told him honestly. “It’s slowed down quite some, but we would usually expect it to stop around now. If it doesn’t, we might have to take you back into surgery to do some cauterising.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He bit his lip. “Why didn’t they do that the first time around?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because of the scarring it can cause.” She explained. “Abruptions cause scarring, which means you’re more likely to have complications if you have any more children in the future. If we cauterise, that could cause even more scar tissue to build up. And- of course we’d do it if it was dangerous, Freddie, and we had to, but the body is usually pretty good at healing itself after an abruption, and it’s best for it to do it naturally if it can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I’m ever going to have another baby.” He laughed a little into his mug and took a long mouthful. “Not after these last two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I must admit to you- we’d recommend certainly going on some kind of contraception for the next few months at least. Your first pregnancy was high-risk enough, your second even more so, and if you got pregnant again so soon- you could really be looking at some serious complications.” She said bluntly. “You need to let your body heal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded in agreement. “I think I need to work out how to be a dad, first.” He said softly. “Do my best for the two I’ve already got.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like a good place to start.” She agreed, looking around when the doctor came in with a smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Freddie.” He smiled warmly. “It’s good to see you looking more up and awake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s good to not feel half-dead.” Freddie’s smile was a little more shy and he took the paper cup from the doctor, looking curiously inside. “God, there’s a lot in here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re starting you on antiretrovirals.” He explained, clasping his hands together. “To help get your viral load down. And we’re also giving you some medication to help your blood clot, to help you stop bleeding, a couple of painkillers- and I’m starting you on some preventative antibiotics.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Freddie asked curiously, thanking Honey when she passed him a bottle of water.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re at risk of pneumonia. When you don’t breathe deeply enough, because your ribs are cracked, there’s the risk that bacteria can stay in there and develop. Add in the fact that opportunistic infections have a tendency to attack people with weakened immune systems, like people with HIV, and it’s a risk we need to try and avoid. Right now, we don’t know if your body is well enough to be able to fight off an infection like that- so we’ll try and make sure you don’t get it in the first place.” He smiled. “The green one- you have the right to refuse that one. That’s fluoxetine, Freddie, that’s an antidepressant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why have you given me antidepressants?” He asked, picking it up and holding it between his fingers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been through a lot of traumatic events in a very short space of time, and your hormones are likely to be out of order for the next few weeks while your body gets used to not being pregnant.” He explained gently. “The mental health specialist reviewed your behaviour while you were on our wards and recommended you be treated for depression. As I said, you’ve got the right to refuse it, or to-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was cut off by Freddie swallowing it down quickly, alongside the rest of the tablets that were jumbled in the little cup. “If it’ll make me feel better, I’ll take it.” He shrugged. “You know what you’re talking about more than I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been outside since eight.” Jim shivered, taking a cigarette gratefully from Honey and lighting it with shaking fingers. “Since fucking when do ICU opening hours start at ten?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Since you didn’t have a pass to just go wherever you wanted.” She chuckled, taking a drag of her own. “How’s that going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s shit. I don’t want to be at Jamie’s all the time, and I certainly don’t want to be at Freddie’s, I’m bored to fucking tears.” He admitted. “Freddie’s parents have got Maajid, so I can’t even spend time looking after him- I don’t think they even know that Freddie’s in hospital, let alone that he’s speaking to me again. I don’t know- I worked a fucking porter shift the other night because I was so bored.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Missing the rush of A&amp;E?” She teased.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s why I didn’t want to tell them I was positive.” He admitted. “I knew they’d put me on sick. And then I went and broke my hand on some asshole’s nose, so I suppose I timed those two up pretty well.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “I went on treatment the day you told us, so I’ve been on it for-” He thought quickly. “Six and a half weeks. They’ve promised I can get back on the ward once it’s down to undetectable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll get there.” She soothed. “You know, you really were a fucking asshole to Freddie that day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, I know.” He said quietly. “I behaved like a complete prick. I’m trying to make up for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’d be an idiot to throw him away.” She said honestly. “He fucking adores you, I can tell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim looked up when the hospital clock tower chimed and threw down his cigarette hastily, immediately running back to the door of the hospital and up the staircase; he bolted the five flights of stairs as fast as he could and rung the bell outside the ICU. When the door opened, he smiled. “Hey, it’s me again.” He chuckled. “Can I see Freddie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Course you can, darling.” The nurse in charge smiled. “Bay six.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulled the curtain back carefully, smiling instinctively when he saw Freddie curled up and asleep in the bed; he’d pulled the blanket right up to his cheek, smoothing the fabric over it in the same way as he had always done with Jim’s shirt. He sat beside the bed, carefully clasping their fingers together and grinning even wider when Freddie’s eyelashes began to flutter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lu?” Freddie mumbled tiredly; Jim could sense the fear in his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s me, darling, it’s Jim.” He said gently, kissing Freddie’s knuckles. “You can sleep, baby, don’t worry, I just wanted to come and check that you were okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie prised his eyes open slowly and looked up at Jim; sleep clung to the edges of his eyelashes and he yawned. “Thanks for coming to see me.” He murmured, cheeks pinkening a little, shy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been waiting for two hours for them to let me in.” He laughed, resting his cheek on their joined hands and watching the gentle rise and fall of Freddie’s chest. “Did you sleep okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded and looked up at Jim, studying every feature of his face as though it was the first time he’d really allowed himself to look. “Feel better today.” He promised. “Lots of tablets.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim picked up his chart and scanned over it quickly, nodding. “I’m not surprised.” He smiled. “They’re working hard to make you better again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and yawned again before he tried to sit up a little. “Have you seen Maajid?” He asked shyly. “I- I miss him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart.” Jim leaned over and kissed his forehead lightly; even the smallest gesture of affection seemed to make Freddie’s heart warm through and his whole body soften. “No, darling. I thought that maybe we could call your parents, though, tell them that you’re here, and they might be able to bring the baby for you to see for a little while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t seen him in a week.” Freddie told him. “Can we see Ejaz?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure we could.” Jim stood up quickly and approached the senior nurse again. “Is Freddie permitted to leave the ward?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To do what?” She questioned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His baby’s in the NICU.” He explained. “I just thought I could take him down there for a while- he hasn’t had the chance to meet him yet, and he’s asking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, of course!” She nodded quickly. “But we would ask that he goes in the wheelchair. He had a fainting episode when he stood up earlier on, so we know he’s still struggling with his blood pressure for now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded eagerly. “I’ll take him there and back, I’ve got nothing else to do.” He chuckled. “When’s his next round?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If he could be back before 12:30, that’d be perfect.” She smiled. “You can disconnect him from the monitors, but don’t disconnect him from the transfusion that’s running. Change it to the wheelchair pole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, of course.” He agreed, almost running back into Freddie’s cubicle to be met with the biggest smile he’d seen on his face in months.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can go?” Freddie asked hopefully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can go.” Jim grinned, carefully taking the ambu-sensors from his skin, trying his best not to pull. “I just need to set you up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you take me out for a fag while we’re out and about?” Freddie asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t even explain how much I’m not going to do that.” Jim rolled his eyes playfully as he switched over the pole that his IV bag hung up on to the one attached to the wheelchair. He covered his port with a sterile dressing, smiling at the rush he got just from feeling a little helpful; even with only the ends of his fingers out from under the plaster cast on his hand, he could still manoeuvre his way around different procedures. “I’m taking you down in the wheelchair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that because I fainted earlier?” Freddie asked, grabbing onto Jim’s arm when he slipped it under his arms to help him move over. “Honestly, that was nothing, it was just-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you a doctor?” Jim arched his eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rolled his eyes. “No, but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly. If we say you go in the wheelchair, then you go in the fucking wheelchair.” He chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you pulling rank on me?” Freddie laughed, but let Jim sit him down and cover him over with a blanket regardless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely am. If there’s one thing I can do, darling, it’s keep people alive.” He kissed Freddie’s forehead. “Right, shout now if there’s anything you need before we go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He nodded. “Jim, they- they will have looked after him, won’t they?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course they will.” He said, carefully taking him down the corridor and around to the elevator. “But you have to prepare yourself for him to be very little. He might be a funny colour, he might look strange, and he’ll have a lot of lines and wires and tubes for now. We might not be able to hold him just yet, some really early babies don’t like to be touched.” He explained. “But he’s still our baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I kind of can’t believe I’m not still pregnant.” He admitted, pressing the button for the third floor. “God, I’ve gone all- all nervous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be just fine.” Jim kissed his forehead. “We’ll only do as long as you want to. If you don’t feel well at any time, baby, please tell me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded, watching as Jim approached a pair of doors, one painted pink and the other blue. He pressed the button by the door and a crackling noise filled the air. “Hello, who’s there?” A nurse asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Freddie Bulsara and Jim Hutton, here to see Ejaz.” Jim said confidently; Freddie just watched, in awe of how unfazed he was as he walked around the hospital. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stuck a leg out to push open the door as it unlocked, immediately falling quiet at the hush of the nursery; the lights were dim, and the only noise that floated through the room came from the soft hum of the radio in the corner, playing a lullaby. “Where is he?” Freddie whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you say it was Ejaz that you were here to see?” A nurse asked them, and Freddie felt immediately comforted by the sight of her; she looked homely, he thought, with her long hair braided back and her dress neatly starched. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie smiled shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you could just wash your hands-” She gestured to a little sink, grabbing a spray to disinfect Jim’s cast. “I imagine you’re doing this a lot at the moment.” She chuckled as he sprayed it down deftly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“More than I’d like to think about. I smell like disinfectant.” He grinned back at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is your first time visiting, isn’t it?” She smiled. “I heard you had a little bit of a trial in the ICU.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’ve given me leave to see him.” Freddie smiled. “Where- which incubator is he in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s lucky, he’s got the window cot.” She smiled and led them over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie held onto Jim as he wrapped his arm around his waist, helping him to stand slowly so that he could look into the crib. “Oh-” Freddie whispered, suddenly overwhelmed; he covered his mouth with his spare hand and held onto Jim even tighter with his other. “Oh my God, Jim, he-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s our baby.” Jim smiled. The little boy was curled up tightly in the incubator, so tiny that Jim thought he could’ve fit comfortably in the palm of his hand; he wore nothing but a tiny nappy and a little hand-knitted hat, the incubator keeping him nice and warm. “God, he doesn’t look real, does he?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He looks like a little doll.” Freddie murmured. “Can I-” He asked, gesturing to the holes in the side of his incubator.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He really loves being touched.” The nurse told him. “Go for it, he’ll find your touch comforting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie carefully reached through the hole and touched Ejaz’s little hand, tears welling in his eyes when the baby immediately grabbed onto his fingers. “Jim!” He whispered. “Jim- Jim- look!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, darling.” He smiled, kissing Freddie’s cheek. “He’ll be able to tell that you’re his daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He can recognise your smell.” The nurse added. “From when he was in your stomach.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed as he felt the lightest pull on his hand, as though the baby was trying to pull him closer; he sat back down in the wheelchair and held onto his baby as though nothing could ever part them. “Is he okay?” He asked the nurse quietly. “Is he sick?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s no sign that he’s got any illnesses.” She told him with a smile. “There are certain medicines that we can give him to help with his development, it’s a synthetic version of the same hormones that he would’ve gotten from you to encourage his body to keep developing and growing. We’re giving him lots of those just so that we know he’s getting the right hormones.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe he’s so- so okay.” He laughed shyly. “He’s just so lovely.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to try holding him?” She asked. “You won’t be able to do it for long, just a couple of minutes, but he’s reacted well to being held so far.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I?” He whispered. “Yes, yes, God, please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She slowly opened up the incubator, allowing him to carefully reach inside and pick up his baby; he felt like barely anything in his hands, and yet he cradled him so carefully as he lifted him to his chest. He closed his eyes, feeling as though his whole body reacted to the feeling of finally being with his baby, being allowed to love him, hold him, and cradle him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ejaz moved just a little, just enough to press his cheek to Freddie’s bare collarbone; he was so little, so light, that it didn’t hurt despite the break. “Oh, look at that.” Jim smiled, running his thumb so gently over the back of Ejaz’s head, his first touch of his baby son. “He loves you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love him.” Freddie laughed a little, keeping his voice as quiet as he could. “I- I thought he wouldn’t survive, I- I didn’t think I’d ever see him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s got some fight in him, that little one.” The nurse smiled. “He’ll probably have to be with us for a little while longer yet. He can’t regulate his own temperature yet, his lungs and his heart are still developing, and he isn’t able to feed just yet, which is why we’ve given him the tube. Babies usually lose a little weight after they’re born, but of course, we can’t risk that with a baby who’s so little.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded mindlessly, pressing a little kiss to the top of his head. “He’s so quiet.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you’re used to Maajid.” Jim chuckled. “He makes a racket all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you got another child?” The nurse asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seven month old.” Freddie smiled, unable to tear his eyes from the sight of his baby. “I haven’t seen him while I’ve been in hospital, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, when they move you from the ICU to antenatal, you’ll be able to take a family room with a crib in it.” She told him. “Usually it’d be for the baby you’ve just had, but we’ll be keeping Ejaz for a while longer yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’d be perfect.” Freddie whispered. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>His squeal could be heard throughout the whole ward, and the sound brought an instinctive smile to everyone’s face; Jim laughed at just how delighted Maajid looked when his eyes landed on Freddie, immediately reaching for him and babbling excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi, baby!” Freddie laughed, taking his little boy and laughing when Maajid hugged his little arms around his neck. “God, you’re fucking huge, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s been missing you like crazy.” Bomi said softly; he knew better than to question what had happened to him, and so he simply smiled. “Started trying to babble your name.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart.” Freddie nuzzled his nose against Maajid’s and grinned. “Daddy missed you very, very, very much, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And your Pop missed you too.” Jim leaned over to kiss Maajid’s cheek, laughing when the baby turned towards him with his mouth open. “Hey, you’ll get the hang of kissing eventually.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you two..?” Bomi gestured between them and smiled shyly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s cheeks coloured but Freddie answered immediately. “Yeah, we are.” He said smoothly, running his hand up and down Maajid’s back. “Just for a couple of days, but we’re- we’re going to try again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim could’ve cried at Freddie’s words; it felt like everything he’d worked for, everything he’d wished for at three o’clock in the morning when the whole world had seemed between them, not merely a road’s worth of tarmac. He’d hated the quietness, the loneliness, of the spare room he’d felt exiled in, as though he was locked in there: all he had wanted was for this, once again, this feeling of love that blossomed between them, that surrounded them and joined them together, that kept them safe from the rest of the world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead, he just took Freddie’s hand, and he squeezed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything we can do for you?” Bomi asked, looking between them. “Do you need us to bring anything from home, or go out and buy anything for you, anything like that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we’re okay.” Jim said softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you bring me Maajid’s stuff?” Freddie asked, patting the little boy’s back soothingly as he pressed his little cheek to his chest. “I think we’re going to keep him here for a while. I’ll be here for a while yet, so that they can keep an eye on me, and Ejaz is probably going to be here for months yet- I’d like to be able to have the whole family together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course we can.” Bomi agreed. “Do you need his crib, things like that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The hospital will provide those. Just his formula, food, clothes, things like that. I’m going to try and be a proper dad, for once.” He smiled shyly. “I can do it, this time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid sat in his lap, swinging his little legs as he drank from the bottle in Freddie’s hand; the little boy clutched onto each of his fingers in turn, tracing the ridges between the bones that he knew from every time he’d held onto him, never wanting to let go. “You’re getting so big now, baby.” Freddie said softly, smoothing his hair back with his free hand; he still never knew what to do with it now that his baby was strong enough to sit up by himself. “Aren’t you? You’re all big and strong!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid pulled away and grasped at Freddie’s shirt instead, resting his face on his father’s stomach; Freddie quickly righted the bottle and gently wiped up the milk that had spilt onto Maajid’s chin. “Does my tummy sound strange?” He asked curiously, playing with Maajid’s dark curls as the baby played at grabbing each of his fingers as he wiggled them playfully in front of him. “The last time you sat with me like this, I had another baby in my tummy! And you won’t remember this, darling, not when you’re big, but you’ve got a little brother and he’s poorly so the nurses are looking after him. When me and your brother are better, we’ll all go home then, and you two can play together all the time!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grinned widely when Maajid laughed, laying back a little on his bed and pulling his baby up against his chest. “God, baby, Daddy missed you so much. I’m so happy to have you back, moosh.” He kissed his forehead and rocked back and forth with him, gently patting him on the back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim glanced through the glass in the door and smiled at the sight of them together, knocking lightly before he opened the door. “I hope I’m not interrupting.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not at all!” Freddie enthused, laughing when Maajid squeaked and reached for Jim. “He’s just had a bottle, he’s wide awake. I think he’s wondering why I haven’t tried to give him anything with turmeric and cumin, apparently Mama’s been going crazy on the spices.” He chuckled and handed him over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning!” Jim kissed the baby’s forehead and laughed when Maajid tried to kiss him back. “I’m sure you can have a go at whatever Daddy won’t eat for breakfast.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The nurse said that they’ve got some fruit purees on the menu that they’ll add for him. I think I was promised some rusks, too, and I’m sure that he’ll love those.” Freddie yawned and rubbed his eyes, standing up and stretching his arms up overhead. As he usually did, he came closer to Jim, allowing his lover to wind an arm around his waist and press a kiss to his cheek-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this time, Freddie turned his head to meet Jim’s lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He widened his eyes in surprise, his hand flying up to cup Freddie’s cheek as he kissed back quickly; he couldn’t help but smile into it as Freddie reached up and touched his wrist, not pulling, just gently smoothing his fingers back and forth across Jim’s skin. When they pulled away, his cheeks were rosy, but he was smiling ever wider. “How are you? And how’s Ejaz?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My viral load’s down to sixty thousand.” He smiled. “The labs always run quicker in the early mornings, it was worth going and getting the test done this morning. And Ejaz-” Jim started to laugh. “He’s got a new hat, but it’s pink, so all the nurses keep having to double check his chart because they think they’ve mixed the babies up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How can you tell it’s him, then?” Freddie giggled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would know that face anywhere.” Jim grinned and kissed Freddie’s cheek. “You look brighter this morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had my ward round this morning. The surgery’s officially been cancelled, the bleeding has finally stopped.” He smiled. “Which means I didn’t have to have a fucking transfusion last night, so I could sleep. And my parents seem to have been a dab hand at teaching Maajid to sleep through the night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, I’m so glad to hear that.” Jim stole one more kiss from his lips. “Things are really looking up from here, aren’t they?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Whirring</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One last go.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>All he’d ever wanted was a family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the days where he’d slept on the concrete floors of car parks, when he’d been crying and hushed with two fifties in his pocket and a hand over his mouth, when he’d been slapped for talking back, or else when he’d been hit and kicked for being robbed of a night’s earnings: all he’d ever wanted was a family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At first he’d missed his parents, wanting to be twelve again, curled up on the sofa of his parent’s lounge and watching as his mother and father danced around the carpet to the sound of the music on the new radio; he’d wanted to be safe in his childhood bed, watching the sunrise as it peeked through his curtains and smiling when a cup of tea was left on his bedside table. The older he’d gotten, though, he’d begun to long for a lover, longing for a family that he could call his own; he wanted somebody who would love him, care for him, and somebody who would protect him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The room was louder that morning, parents rushing in early to see their babies before work, but Freddie didn’t mind; he sat in the same corner as always, cuddled up in his rocking chair, the baby curled against his bare chest. He gently cupped the palm of his hand around his head in the same way as he’d been taught, helping to muffle the sounds from around the room; all his instincts taught him exactly how his baby needed him to act. At first he’d been worried he’d pull on something, dislodge the baby’s feeding tube or the pump that whirred on the side of his chair, knock the oxygen away from his little face- but now he’d fallen into the lull of calm, simply staying still, allowing the baby to absorb his love and his warmth from his skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watched as the door opened on the other side of the room, Jim murmuring a hushed hello to one of the nurses as he disinfected his hands and cast; he smiled sleepily at his lover as he walked over to them, careful not to startle the baby when he saw him laying against Freddie’s chest. “Good morning.” He whispered, crouching down next to Freddie to catch a glance of their son. “Oh, he looks so peaceful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He still hasn’t opened his eyes yet.” Freddie pressed a brief kiss to Jim’s lips. “Still living in his dream world.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wonder if he got your eyes, or mine.” He smiled, sitting down on the floor next to them and resting his head on Freddie’s arm. “I wonder what colour his hair is going to be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dark, I imagine. You’re hardly blond.” Freddie chuckled and rested his cheek on top of Jim’s head. “He prefers it when I don’t try and touch him too much, I think. He likes being held, but his skin is just too fragile for me to touch him too much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He seems perfectly happy to be laying on you.” Jim murmured, yawning a little. “You know, I- my brain still can’t quite believe that that’s my baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s half Hutton.” Freddie twitched the blanket down just a little so that Jim could see his face better; he grinned instinctively when he saw that the baby had his fingers tightly curled up and resting just over Freddie’s heart. “Look at this little darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He just looks so comfy.” Jim grinned. “What did they say about his weigh-in?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Two pounds three ounces.” Freddie whispered. “He’s put on two ounces. He’s doing good, they were worried his weight would dip but it looks like he’s getting the hang of digesting, even though it’s really early.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just can’t believe he’s here already.” He murmured, pressing an idle kiss to Freddie’s wrist. “No wonder he wants to be cuddled with you all the time, it probably makes him feel like he’s still inside you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just glad he’s okay.” Freddie murmured, closing his eyes and letting out a long yawn. “God, I barely slept.” He admitted. “Maajid slept through, but I sure as fuck didn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How come?” Jim asked sympathetically, glancing up at his lover. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just nightmares.” He whispered. “I- I guess I don’t need to tell you that the last few weeks haven’t been fun.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I did guess.” He nodded. “I can- I can always stay with you, if you want? I know you- you used to like that, so if you want to try it again some time…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.” Freddie said shyly. “I- Jim, I- I need to tell you something before we- we go any further, with this whole thing again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Jim whispered. “Yeah, of course, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” He bit his lip and took a deep breath; Ejaz moved slightly in his grip, snuggling closer to him. “I don’t want to- I don’t want to sleep with you.” He said quietly. “Not- not forever, but for now, I- I really don’t want to. I- I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Jim promised, gently taking Freddie’s free hand and kissing his knuckles gently. “You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to. You’ve- you’ve been through shit, Freddie, and so you- you just tell me what you need me to do, or not do, and I’ll do it. You can call the shots.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s cheeks pinkened, caught somewhere between embarrassment, relief, and gratitude: he wasn’t used to people being so willing to love him and honour him. “Thank you.” He murmured, squeezing Jim’s hand. “I- I don’t know if you- you’ll ever know how much that means.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hope I will.” He said earnestly. “Hopefully one day I’ll- I’ll be able to know all of you, Freddie, not some- some person you feel like you have to for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was quiet for a long moment, and then burst out in a bright smile. “You’re so different to Luca.” Freddie whispered. “You- God, Jim, you’re so fucking different to everyone that I’ve ever known.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Jim laughed a little, kneeling up beside Freddie so that they could kiss. “I don’t want to be anything like him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes I feel so unsure.” Freddie admitted. “Because you’re- I’m not used to you being so gentle with me. But I- I prefer how you treat me.” He bit his lip. “And I’ll- I’ll try not to fuck up this time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart.” Jim gently wound an arm around his shoulders and kissed Freddie’s cheek, watching the ever-so-slight rise and fall of the blanket on his chest with Ejaz’s breath. “You didn’t fuck up, my darling, not at all. None of this was ever your fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s voice cracked a little when he spoke. “Then why did you go?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim hugged him harder, love hot in his veins. “Because I can be a fucking asshole, Freddie, and I was scared.” He admitted. “But that didn’t give me the right to take it out on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rested his head against Jim’s collarbone, suddenly feeling so tired, as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders: he was exhausted from carrying it. “I love you so much.” Freddie whispered. “Please- please don’t leave me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Never, baby.” Jim promised. “I’m never going to let you get hurt again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s fingers skimmed the cold marble, his cheeks flushed just a little as he chewed on the inside of his lip; the apartment made his footsteps echo, bare and white around him, and he couldn’t move his eyes from where they were fixed on the water below. “It’s absolutely perfect.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How many are there in your family?” The estate agent asked curiously, her face bright with the widest smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s four of us.” He said quietly. “Me, my boyfriend, and our two babies.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This would be the perfect penthouse for little ones.” She agreed, nodding vigorously. “Maybe the bedroom next to you for them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’d be good.” He agreed, picturing Maajid crawling across the polished floors, the baby in a bouncer with a view over the Thames. “My boyfriend’s in hospital- he’s just had the second. I want to give him this to come back to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like a wonderful idea.” She enthused. “If you want to sign the lease now, I can hand you the keys and you can get started on moving in before he comes home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it really that easy?” He asked, laughing shyly. He stepped out onto the terrace, watching the ripples of little waves on the Thames. “Is the green down there ours, too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s the garden for this whole block.” She shared. “So you’ll share with three other families. And yes, it really is that easy. You passed all the credit checks when you applied to see your eligibility.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God.” Jim turned to her and grinned, strands of his hair blowing in the wind. “Yeah, I’ll take it. Do you know any good interior designers?”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You know I’ll always come back</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>For more.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was only gone for two hours!” Jim said breathlessly, standing on his toes to look through the door to the ICU; he clenched and unclenched his fingers, desperate, tears burning the back of his throat. “God, let me in, I can help, please!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d never been more thankful for the click of the door as it unlocked; he washed his hands as quickly as he could, shoving his sleeves up, and walked into Freddie’s room. “Right, someone tell me what the fuck is going on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seizure.” A nurse said simply, picking up Freddie’s chart and handing it to him. “Sudden nausea, seizure, and then he lost consciousness. Blood stats are all level, though, and he wasn’t complaining of any illness beforehand.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded, shoving his hands in his pocket for a moment as he thought. “What are you doing to stabilise him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Valproate for the tonic-clonic seizure. He was already on the saline when it started-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The saline?” Jim asked. “Why was he on saline?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Blood test showed low saline after he’d finished with the transfusions, it was recommended by a doctor.” He explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A doctor?” Jim asked again. “Who?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim walked over to the saline bag and frowned as he examined it, squeezing the bag lightly; the fluid leaked out of a tiny hole at the top of the bag, and he recognised the smell immediately. “Get that out of him.” He said immediately, turning to the team. “Get that line out, get the PICC out-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But-” One of the nurses started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t a fucking question!” He snapped. “He needs a cyanide antidote kit right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The specialty doctor stared at him. “Cyanide?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I work in A&amp;E, for fuck’s sake, I know what cyanide smells like.” He clamped the tube and detached it from Freddie’s line. “He’s been poisoned.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why would-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He has a lot of people that really don’t like him.” He said simply. “Get it out, pull out the line, I’ll set up the antidote.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though his heart pounded in his chest, he forced himself to breathe as he left the cubicle and searched for the right medicine; feeling useful, feeling in control of the situation, was the only thing that could make him feel better. He selected three medications-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Amyl nitrite</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sodium nitrite</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sodium thiosulfate</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hummed to distract himself as he worked, setting up the IVs and settling the mask over Freddie’s face as though he was any other patient he had: Freddie deserved his best, he reminded himself, Freddie deserved him at the top of his game. Freddie didn’t deserve anything else to command his attention, for him to be distracted, or else for him to be choked by his own emotion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Freddie’s eyelashes fluttered, he could only smile.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is so badly written lmao I'm sorry I'll make up for it in the next chapter I promise</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Support</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Emotionally confusing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh, look at you go!” Jim grinned, picking up Maajid as he crawled over the smooth hospital floor towards him; he lifted him high above his head and then pressed a series of kisses to his cheeks as the baby giggled. “My, you’re getting heavy, aren’t you? Your daddy’s been looking after you well!”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie laughed sleepily as he watched them, blinking his heavy eyes open at the sound of his son’s laughter. “He looks happy.” He croaked, his throat dry and voice hoarse. </p><p> </p><p>“He is!” Jim smiled over at him and leaned down to kiss his cheeks. “Do you want a cuddle?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie rubbed his eyes and leaned up to take his baby. “Be gentle with Daddy, darling, I’m a little sore.” He said softly, smiling when Maajid lay down, bearing his weight against Freddie’s stomach instead of his cracked ribs. “Good boy, baby.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want some water?” Jim offered gently, sitting beside him and combing his fingers through his hair. “The amyl nitrate is a bitch on your throat and lungs, I’m sorry. I can give you some painkillers if you want.”</p><p> </p><p>“Please.” He murmured, craning his head up to take a sip from the bottle Jim offered him. “I mean, I’ll take a sore throat over being dead, but paracetamol would be great.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim chuckled and turned to the drawer next to him, popping out two tablets for him. “I reported what happened.” He promised. “We’ll have to find out who tampered with your saline, though, and who suggested you had it. You should’ve never had it in the first place.” He took Freddie’s hand between both of his own and kissed his knuckles gently. “God, it makes me never want to leave you again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you-” Freddie lolled his head to the side and glanced at his lover with a tired smile. “Can you stay tonight?” He whispered.</p><p> </p><p>Jim started to grin widely. “Yeah- yeah, of course I can.” He said, voice quick and excited.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing goes wrong when you’re here.” Freddie said softly. “When you- you look after me, you’re the one in charge, and you- you always take care of me properly.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s because I love you, baby.” He whispered, kissing Freddie’s forehead. “And I want you to get better. And I- I know you’ve got enemies in high places, but you’ve got friends, too.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>A gentle tap sounded on the tray outside his cubicle, standing in for a knock on the door. “Freddie, are you free for a moment?” A female voice asked, hesitating to open the curtain.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Freddie pulled himself up to sitting quickly. “You can come in, it’s alright.”</p><p> </p><p>She smiled as she stepped inside. “My name’s Mary, Freddie.” She said gently. “I work for Victim Support. That means I’m not the police, I’m just somebody that you can talk everything through with, whether you want to go to the police or not.”</p><p> </p><p>He frowned a little. “Victim?” He asked. “You think I’m a victim?”</p><p> </p><p>“You were clearly attacked when you first came into hospital, darling.” She said gently, sitting in the chair beside his bed. “The man that found you reported the incident to the police.”</p><p> </p><p>He swallowed and linked his fingers, staying quiet for a moment before he started to nod. “I mean- I guess.” He admitted. “What do you want to know?”</p><p> </p><p>“Everything that’s happened, in your own words.” She offered him a comforting smile. “Are you happy to talk about it?”</p><p> </p><p>He swallowed and then shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. “I suppose, yeah.” He said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you know the man who attacked you?” She prompted him. “Tell me about him.”</p><p> </p><p>“Known him for years.” He muttered. “I work for him.”</p><p> </p><p>“And what’s your job, darling?” She asked.</p><p> </p><p>He looked up at her, wanting to see the disgust on her face when he answered her; there was something sickeningly fascinating about alienating people with recounts of his own life. “I’m a sex worker.” He said bluntly. </p><p> </p><p>Her eyebrows jumped a little. “Okay.” She nodded quickly. “How long have you worked for him?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well- I’m twenty-five now, so it’s nine years.” He crossed his arms. </p><p> </p><p>“You started when you were sixteen?” She asked, a little aghast, but nodded all the same and jotted down a note on her paper. “Has he ever done anything like this before?”</p><p> </p><p>“I wasn’t the youngest.” He told her, watching every twist and turn of her facial expression; he felt powerful in his words, in their power to horrify. “All the time. He’s known for it, it’s how the business runs. He broke my arm when I was pregnant with my first child.”</p><p> </p><p>The truncated version of his story read like a classic soap opera; the highs and lows were so extreme that it seemed impossible to people outside of his world. “So why-” She paused, and he could hear the judgement on her tongue before she’d even started the words. “Why did you stay with him, then, if he was so awful to you? That seems-”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you have children?” He asked in return, arching a mocking eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“Two.” She replied quietly.</p><p> </p><p>“And has your baby ever screamed through the whole night because he’s hungry?” He shot back. “Have you ever tried to give your baby water because you haven’t got anything else to give him, let alone anything for you to eat? When you get told to fuck off from food banks because you haven’t got the right fucking paperwork, when you can’t pay your rent and so you fall on your knees for the fucking landlord with the baby in the next room? I doubt you’ve ever cried a night away because your choice is spreading your fucking legs or trying to look after a baby on the streets.” He spat disgustedly. “So before you call me fucking ridiculous, think about what you’d do for your own fucking children.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, I- I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry.” She offered meekly. “I can’t understand how you’d be working for him and not earning money, though.”</p><p> </p><p>“I do earn money. I earn a commission, four percent of whatever I earn that day, and bonuses if I do well.” He told her. “But that’s twenty out of every five hundred pounds I make, and it’s fucking difficult when the best you can earn is a couple of grand in a day.”</p><p> </p><p>She frowned. “You must have earned him a lot in your time.”</p><p> </p><p>“I did.” He shrugged. “I was good at my job. One of the best, I’ve been told.”</p><p> </p><p>“And you never wanted any more of that money for yourself?” She asked incredulously.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t ask unless you’ve got a fucking deathwish.” He laughed a little. “You think he takes comments and suggestions? Why the fuck do you think he cracked four of my ribs with a fucking baseball bat?”</p><p> </p><p>She shuddered at the image. “It just seems a little naive to-”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, please.” He rolled his eyes. “Don’t call me fucking naive. The deal was that I woke up, I worked, and then I slept, and if I needed more money for something then I paid him a favour or six. I wouldn’t still have my house if it wasn’t for him.”</p><p> </p><p>“You could’ve gotten another job.” She pointed out.</p><p> </p><p>“At five months pregnant?” He shook his head. “I threw up every five minutes, my back ached, I was in a foul fucking mood all the time, and I was a single father to a six month old baby that needed me all the fucking time. I did the only job I could.” He sucked on his lower lip. “It’s not an industry that you just leave. I’ve got debts I have to pay to him, and some fucking cafe would never have given me enough. Where else can you earn six grand in a day?”</p><p> </p><p>“That you couldn’t keep.” She countered.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s still two hundred and forty quid in a day.” He shrugged. “I don’t have any qualifications, I never finished school, I’ve got no skills, no prospects, nothing. I did what I had to.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He’d known the time would come. </p><p> </p><p>The police hadn’t found him in any of his hideouts, his known addresses, any track; he was master of evading the <em> wanted </em>sign over his head that promised thousands of pounds for turning him in. It was a race against time, racing to catch him as he raced to finish Freddie off once and for all-</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> If I can’t have you, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> No one can. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jim had known all along that this would happen. He’d known that the man’s pride would take over, that he’d have to know if it had worked, that he’d have to walk into the hospital and glance through the window at the ICU reception to see if his name had been erased from the board for medications and statistics and reports, or else whether it had been struck through with a blunt bit of chalk, promising that he’d succeeded. He’d known that one day, his car would be parked deep in the hospital car park as he trawled the corridors, looking for the right ward, buzzing with adrenaline and thinking fast enough to avoid security cameras as he went.</p><p> </p><p>Jim dropped his cigarette on the ground, crushing it with the heel of his boot, and watched the man across the road as though he was only half-interested; his gaze glued to the dart of Luca’s eyes as he glanced back and forth, seeking safety, security, anonymity. The bruise he wore on his left cheek was purple, and his eye blacker, the sign of his fist that he still wore. </p><p> </p><p>Jim wore his porter’s uniform, having picked up another shift to stave off boredom and to pick up extra money to pay off the interior designer for the apartment that he’d secured. His hand was out of plaster, though still fragile and underused; he blended in perfectly amongst the multitude of hospital staff on their breaks, but he guarded the door to the intensive care unit like a gargoyle perched in waiting.</p><p> </p><p>Luca walked towards him, eyes glazing over him briefly with disinterest, his focus intent on the door; he slung a bag over his shoulder as he went, and Jim could only imagine the contents.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Glock 19 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> BSA 28P </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Maybe a machete, just in case </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He stepped in front of him at the last second.</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t go in, sir.” He drawled, looking him up and down leisurely. </p><p> </p><p>“Excuse me?” He replied, arching an eyebrow. “Move.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s the rules.” Jim lied, crossing his arms. “No visitors on a Thursday. Ward rounds and all that.”</p><p> </p><p>He scoffed and shoved at his shoulder. “Get out of the fucking way.”</p><p> </p><p>“No can do, sir, I’m afraid.” He shrugged. “Locked ward.”</p><p> </p><p>“Listen, I don’t know if you know who the fuck I am-” Luca spat back, pushing Jim back against the door. “But my fucking boyfriend’s in there, and I-”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s not your boyfriend.” Jim replied, unwrapping a piece of gum and popping it between his lips, chewing obnoxiously as Luca stammered on his words.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you.” He replied.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just telling the truth.” Jim said, unable to repress his smirk as he chewed. “He’s not your fucking boyfriend. You’re a scumbag.”</p><p> </p><p>Luca grabbed the collar of his shirt, his expression changing suddenly as he clocked the scar on Jim’s left eyebrow that he had left in their fight-</p><p> </p><p>But before he could let go, Jim’s fist collided with the side of his face.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you.” Jim spat, pushing him backwards. Luca swung for him, his fist smacking hard into his nose; Jim kicked his legs and smirked when he stumbled, shoving him down onto the floor and kicking him hard in the crotch. “Don’t you fucking dare come here, you- you- you fucking bastard, you’re a nasty fucking cunt, and if you ever-”</p><p> </p><p>He groaned when Jim kicked harder. “If you ever come near Freddie again, if you even so much as fucking touch him, I’ll fucking kill you.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“So, good news-” Jim started, mopping the blood from his nose with the bottom of his shirt as he walked into Freddie’s cubicle; he arched an eyebrow at the sight of the woman behind him. “Sorry, am I interrupting something?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, darling, not at all. We were done, actually.” Freddie said with a tight smile, waiting until Mary had left to breathe out. “Jesus.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good news.” Jim grinned, closing his mouth and licking the blood from his teeth when Freddie looked horrified. “I just saw Luca being bundled into the back of a police van.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus-” Freddie swung his legs over the edge of the bed, reached for him and grabbed a gauze off the table beside him, pressing it up against Jim’s nose. “Not before he’d beaten the shit out of you, clearly.”</p><p> </p><p>“Let me tell you, baby, I wouldn’t want to have a cock and balls quite as swollen as his are going to be in the morning.” He gently took the gauze from Freddie. “You have to take it out the packet, first, sweetheart.” He chuckled, tearing it open and pressing the cloth against his skin. “But thank you, darling.”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you improvise a vasectomy?” Freddie asked with a little laugh, helping him to blot the blood that had smeared its way across his cheeks. “It’s probably a good thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Definitely.” He chuckled. “I just- I don’t know, darling, he started asking for you and I saw red. It was like- like he needed to know that he’d gotten rid of you, you know, and I just thought- he’s just a fucking bastard.” He shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>“I think he could do with the shit beaten out of him.” Freddie laughed weakly and rested his head against Jim’s shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>“Where’s Maajid?” Jim asked, softening his voice a little and winding an arm around Freddie’s shoulders; he could tell Freddie wasn’t feeling too good.</p><p> </p><p>“One of the nurses offered to give him a bath down on paediatrics for me.” He said softly. “I’m not- not really feeling up to it. Just- mentally, you know, tired.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim frowned and kissed his temple. “What’s the matter?” He asked softly.</p><p> </p><p>“That woman was from Victim Support.” He murmured. “I don’t know how fucking supported I feel. She basically just spent the hour telling me that it’s almost impossible to prosecute rape when the victim’s getting paid, which I fucking knew already, and she said I was ridiculous for not getting another job instead of working for Luca.” He swallowed hard. “Made me feel- just feel like a fucking fake, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, baby.” Jim kissed his temple again, then his forehead. “It’s almost impossible, not completely impossible. God knows, we’ll fight tooth and fucking nail for it.” He said comfortingly. “You can hardly say that you consented to an abruption and four broken ribs.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I suppose not.” He bit his lip, gingerly touching his nose. “I doubt I’ll ever look normal again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, sweetheart, you do look normal.” He promised. “It’s just bumps and bruises, it’ll all heal in time.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hope so.” Freddie whispered. “God, I hope so.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Embassy Gardens</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's finally out of hospital.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Embassy Gardens is a real place in London and honestly look up photos of it because it's absolutely incredible!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He was almost used to people arriving in his cubicle that he’d never seen before, endless streams of police officers to take statements, doctors to draw his blood for tests, nurses coming in and out to help him take care of his baby, his lover coming in and helping to settle him every time he felt so restless and anxious. He’d stopped remembering names, job titles, simply complying whether they wanted words or just the arm that still had the PICC line in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Freddie.” A woman stood in the gap in the curtains of his cubicle, and he paused momentarily; she looked nothing like the rest of the doctors he’d seen, dressed simply in her jeans, a blue shirt with her sleeves rolled up, and patent heels that he himself would’ve worn once upon a time. Her blonde hair tumbled haphazardly over her shoulders, not twisted up in the same way as every other nurse that had taken care of him. “I’m Doctor Wright, Freddie, but you can call me Blair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” He smiled a little self-consciously and sat up in his bed, crossing his legs. “What do you need from me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to stick any more needles in you, don’t worry.” She chuckled, sitting in the chair beside his bed and clasping her fingers around her knee when she crossed one leg over the other. “I’m not that kind of doctor, darling, but then you could probably tell. I’m a psychiatrist, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused for a moment, and then nodded. “Mental health, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Exactly. It’s my job to look after your head while the rest of the team gets your body back up to shape.” She smiled. “I heard that your visit from Victim Support wasn’t all that successful, so I wondered if you might want someone- someone a little less judgemental to talk to, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie seemed to soften a little at the promise in her words. “What can you do for me?” He asked shyly. “Like- like tablets, and stuff?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely, if that’s a route you’d like to go down.” She agreed. “I can authorise a whole lot of things, darling. For example- do you want your teeth fixing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie ran his tongue over his teeth, feeling the gaps from the ones that had been knocked out, and then swallowed. “You could do that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m certainly not going to get my hands on your teeth, darling, but I can refer you down to maxillofacial and they can do that for you.” She smiled. “I thought you might like that, you know, to get you feeling a little more back to normal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’d be a new kind of normal.” Freddie told her, but he was starting to smile. “Can’t remember the last time I had all my teeth. I would’ve been a little kid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There we go, then, darling. We’ll get you ship-shape in no time.” She chuckled. “So I’ll be your point of call if there’s anything like that that you want advocating for. You can also choose to have therapy, if you want it, if there are things that you need to get off of your chest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cocked his head to the side. “How would that help?” He asked. “It’s not like I’m- I’m traumatised, or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been through some very unpleasant things, darling, I can tell just from the injuries on your file. You might not feel traumatised, but it doesn’t have any one given feeling- just because you’re not having panic attacks doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be helpful to talk.” She said gently. “If you ever feel randomly sad, or angry, or embarrassed, or ashamed- a lot of that can come from ways that people have made you feel in the past. Therapy isn’t for everyone, darling, and you have the choice of whether you want to take it or not, and you can think about it for as long as you like. But I think it’s important that you know that it’s on the table.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded. “I’ll think about it.” He promised. “But can I- can I really have my teeth fixed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, darling, of course you can.” She smiled and reached into her bag, pulling out a folder and taking a few pages from within it. “In fact, I assumed you’d probably want to, so I’ve written you a referral form. You just need to sign it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She handed it over to him and he took it shyly, printing his name shakily at the bottom. “Thank you.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No problem, Freddie.” She grabbed a post-it note and wrote a number on it, sticking it to the bedside table. “This is the number for my office, darling, so if you decide you want to see me, if you want to talk more about medication or therapy or you just need to have a chat with someone to get things off your chest- you can come to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Christ, at one point I thought I was never going to leave that hospital.” Freddie laughed as he looked over at Jim; his lover had his sunglasses propped on the top of his head, the muscles in his arms flexing as he lowered Maajid’s car seat and strapped it in carefully. The baby giggled when Jim kissed his forehead, gripping his toes excitedly. “Fuck, he’s so cute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’ll be Ejaz when he can come home with us.” Jim grinned back at him, blowing a strand of hair out of his face as he packed up the back with their bags. He landed in the driver’s seat beside Freddie, biting his lip to try and hide his smile, and then he cracked. “Baby, I’ve got something to admit to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it, darling?” Freddie asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re not going back to your old house.” He grinned, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. “And we’re not going back to mine, either. I- baby, I bought us a flat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused for a long moment, clasping his hands over his mouth, before he started to laugh. “You’re not fucking serious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to do something nice- for all of us.” He grinned. “It’s called Embassy Gardens. We’ve got balconies around the whole flat, darling, and there’s a fucking swimming pool on the roof, and it’s- God, it’s gorgeous.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you so much!” Freddie threw his arms around Jim, hugging him tightly. “Oh my God, Jim, what the fuck?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, come on, you have to see it.” He insisted, turning the key in the engine. “Four bedrooms, so Ejaz and Maajid can have their own rooms when they get older- we’ve got a bath in our fucking bedroom.” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie could only shake his head. “This is fucking crazy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel like I’m living in a fucking dream.” Freddie whispered, looking up the glass sides of the building, his hand clutching Jim’s. “We live here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, come on.” Jim repeated, tugging him into the elevator past the doors of the restaurant and the bakery, though Freddie paused, trying to take everything in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re never buying bread from Sainsbury’s ever again.” Freddie murmured, making Jim laugh as the elevator doors closed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Obviously. You’ll be lucky if we ever eat at home again, with the smell of that place.” Jim pressed a sweet kiss to his lips, winding his arm around his waist. “We live on the nineteenth floor.” He whispered in his ear, lips just grazing his ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck did you afford this?” Freddie asked, aghast, stepping out into the hallway as Jim fuddled with the keys.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remember I kicked Luca in the balls?” Jim smirked. “Well, I said I’d spare his ribs if he gave me a fair share of the money you’d earned over the years. He offered five hundred grand, you know, I was going to push him for more, but then I thought I was taking the piss. So I stole a couple of grand out of your bank, darling, about fifty grand, to make up the deposit, and you can have the rest to do whatever you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed again, covering his mouth in disbelief. “Four hundred and fifty grand?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There or thereabouts.” Jim winked, budging the door open with his shoulder and then gesturing for Freddie and Maajid to walk in. “Take a look, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stepped over the threshold, looking around, suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the apartment around him; every wall seemed to be made of glass, the midday sunshine flooding over every surface. The countertops were grey marble, the floors smooth and polished wood, the furniture all new; in the corner of the lounge, Jim had set him up a hanging chair with a bottle warmer beside it, and a view over the Thames to watch as he fed his baby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie placed Maajid’s carrier on the ground and immediately burst into tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby!” Jim dropped the bags and pulled him into a hug. “What’s the matter, Freddie? Do you not like it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be a fucking idiot.” Freddie laughed wetly, rubbing his eyes and then winding his arms tightly around his waist. “I- I can’t believe you’ve done this for me, Jim. I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to give us all a fresh start.” He said quietly, resting his chin on top of Freddie’s head and rubbing his back soothingly. “Somewhere where you can focus on being a father, and an artist, and a musician- somewhere where I don’t feel like I’m living in the shadows of people that’ve mistreated you.” He whispered. “Just somewhere- somewhere that’s our own, darling, somewhere that’s safe from everybody else in the world.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s perfect.” Freddie whispered, drying his eyes on Jim’s shirt and sitting down on the edge of the sofa to take it all in again. “I- I can’t believe I get to have my family here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sat beside him and pulled him back onto the sofa properly; he didn’t want him to feel as though everything had to be pristine, as though he couldn’t treat it as his own home. Freddie laughed, resting his head against Jim’s chest, watching his baby as he slept-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finally felt peaceful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we go out on the balcony?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” Jim took his hand and pulled him up, twisting the key in the glass doors quickly as Freddie glanced around the lounge again once more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off!” Freddie gasped, shaking himself free and running to the other side of the room. “Oh my God, is this mine?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stroked his fingers along ivory keys, admiring the grand piano that Jim had nestled in a secluded corner of the lounge, partially hidden behind a screen to give it the illusion of a music room all of his own. “Well, I can’t play, can I?” Jim laughed. “It’s all yours, baby. I figured you wouldn’t be wanting to write hits on a little electric keyboard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is crazy.” Freddie pressed down a chord and then grinned at the way the sound bounced off every glass window; he returned to Jim a few moments later and took his hand again, walking out onto the balcony with him. “God, isn’t this view so gorgeous?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s incredible.” Jim grinned, walking with him around the edge of the building, until he stopped and pointed up. “And that, baby, is the sky pool.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we use that?” He asked, aghast.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, baby. You can use anything in this building.” He promised, kissing Freddie’s temple. “Do you like swimming?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love it.” He whispered. “I’d like to take Maajid in there. Can you swim?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Badly. I’ve been assured that it’s shallow enough to stand in.” He chuckled. “We’ll grab towels and go up there later, if you want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d love to.” Freddie grinned, sitting on the swing on the balcony and rocking himself back and forth slowly. “Jim, this is perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Consider it a joint birthday and Christmas present that you helped pay for.” Jim chuckled and swung their hands as they walked back inside. “Do you want to see the nurseries?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yes.” Freddie laughed, kissing his cheek. Jim opened a door first to Maajid’s, a new crib with Freddie’s old rocking chair placed next to it, elephants painted on the walls and a special little changing station up on top of drawers that were filled with new baby clothes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can buy more things for him, I just thought I’d make a start so that he had some stuff when you came out of hospital.” Jim said softly, drawing back the curtains to reveal the doors to the balcony from Maajid’s room, where he’d placed a couple of waterproof toys for him to play with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve done this so perfectly.” Freddie whispered in awe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I paid someone to do it, darling, I haven’t got an inch of talent in design.” He laughed and led him to Ejaz’s room; it was decorated with rainbows, the lightshade in the shape of a big sunshine. “I kept this one pretty plain, you know, in case we have to bring back any medical equipment with us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good idea.” Freddie agreed, tapping on the nightlight beside the bed and watching as it projected little clouds around the room. “God, this is incredible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bought him a little cloud toy to match. It’s like a cloud with legs.” He picked it up from the crib and handed it to Freddie. “Although I think it’s bigger than him right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie hugged him gently. “I can’t wait until we can bring him home.” He whispered. “It feels wrong leaving him there while we come home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, darling, but he’s got to be healthy before we bring him home.” Jim kissed his forehead. “He’ll be home before you know it. Make the most of sleeping.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed softly and came to the next door. “What’s this one?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This, baby, is our room.” Jim pushed open the door and revealed a bedroom with a en-suite bathroom, separated by frosted glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, look at this.” Freddie smiled. “Are they silk sheets?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Little bit of luxury.” Jim wound his arms around Freddie’s waist from behind and kissed the top of his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All of this is luxury.” Freddie laughed, walking over to the bath that stood in the corner of the windows, a view over Chelsea creeping in. “Are those vines real?” He asked, pointing out at the vines creeping down over the ceiling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, baby, they’re just fabric.” He kissed the back of his neck. “I thought I wouldn’t buy any plants until I had you home so I knew they wouldn’t die.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed harder, pink spots rising on his cheeks, a flush of pure happiness that Jim swore he’d never seen before. “Do you want to have a bath with me?” He asked sweetly, turning the tap on and running his fingers through the warm water. “This is absolutely divine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll lay Maajid down and then I’ll join you.” Jim kissed the top of his head. “There’s a couple of different bath products in the bathroom, if you want to have a look.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I absolutely do.” Freddie grinned and kissed him properly. “Thank you, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with his back pressed to his lover’s chest, the water soothing sore and tired muscles from sleeping on tough hospital mattresses, his baby sound asleep in the room next door, and a bath bomb fizzing softly as they pointed out different highlights on the skyline of Kensington and Chelsea, Freddie felt safe.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Baby Bottles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Progress.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>These boys being happy is my new favourite thing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The quietness of the nursery always brought peace to him, no matter how busy his life outside of the hospital seemed to have become: in between rehearsals and business meetings, in between bathing mud from the curls of his baby boy’s hair when he got too excited splashing in puddles when Freddie held him up, and in between reconnecting with his lover, adding the finishing touches to a home that was truly theirs- it was nice to have a moment of peace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Little Ejaz was getting stronger, he’d been promised, though he still felt as though he weighed nothing when he picked him up in the palms of his hands and cradled him close. His little darling still felt no more than a feather as he lay against his chest, though his little fingers now liked to hold onto Freddie’s; they could sit together for hours in companionable quiet, now that he could keep himself warm enough without the incubator.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi, darling.” Holly smiled at Freddie as she glanced down at Ejaz, looking happy and settled as they lay skin to skin. “Is Jim coming in today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, he should be here any minute.” He whispered. “He said he’d come up after his shift finished. He’ll probably be exhausted, though, bless him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet he’s glad to be back on, isn’t he?” She chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Definitely. I think he got bored of watching daytime television.” Freddie laughed. “I think working daytime is going to be a lot better for him, though. You know, so we can be together with the kids more. And he-” Freddie’s cheeks flushed with happiness. “They’ve agreed to let him work four days a week, and he’s taking paternity leave when we bring Ejaz home. Depending, you know, on how intensive caring for him is, they’ve agreed he can have a good few months if he needs it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I have good news on that front.” She grinned. “We think Ejaz is ready to try his first bottle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie broke into a huge smile. “Really?” He asked excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been trying little bits of syringe feeding up until now, just to see how his swallowing was progressing. He won’t be able to take much at all, probably just a few teaspoons’ worth, but it’ll be good for us to see how his sucking and swallowing is progressing.” She explained. “And we assumed you’d probably like to try and give it to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.” He grinned, glancing down at his baby and gently stroking his thumb against his cheek as he slept. “I’d like to wait for Jim, though, so that he can be here with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. We’re in no hurry, he’s on the constant pump, so anything we give him by mouth right now is just teaching him how to feed, it’s not crucial to his weight gain or anything like that.” She smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced up at the door when it opened and smiled instinctively at the sight of his boyfriend, looking eagerly around for them. “Speak of the devil.” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you’d be here.” Jim laughed, cupping Freddie’s cheek in his hand and pressing a sweet kiss to his lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, you stink of disinfectant.” Freddie wrinkled his nose playfully. “Where else would I be, darling? Mama’s got Maajid for a couple of hours, so I decided to come and see our little one in peace.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim crouched down beside Freddie and gasped. “He’s got his eyes open!” He said excitedly. “Oh my God, baby, look!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie carefully lifted Ejaz and smiled when the baby looked at him, squinting as though he was sleepy, and yet taking in Freddie’s face curiously. “Jim, how the hell did we manage to make the cutest baby in existence?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and pulled up a chair beside Freddie, watching the curious expression on Ejaz’s face. “He’s got my eyes.” He whispered in wonder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re so deep.” Freddie whispered in wonder. “They’re beautiful, they’re just like yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There was never any question over him being my baby, was there?” Jim chuckled. “He looks like my baby pictures.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Except he’s more tan than you’ll ever be.” Freddie chuckled when he closed his eyes again and settled him back down against his chest. “Darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Jim murmured, and Freddie could hear the sleepiness in his voice as he rested his head down against Freddie’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to give Ejaz his first bottle?” Freddie asked softly. “The nurse said that she thinks he’s starting to be able to suck and swallow properly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim glanced up at him and smiled. “You can do it, darling, I don’t mind.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But do you want to?” Freddie asked softly. “Because you- you said you couldn’t believe he was really your baby, and I- I want you to be able to do things with him too, you know, first times.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sweetheart.” Jim smiled shyly, kissing his cheek. “I do believe he’s my baby, darling, it’s just a shock that he’s here so soon, that’s all. If you don’t want to, darling, I will, but I wouldn’t want to take that away from you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t be. I’ll still be here.” Freddie gently handed the baby over to Jim, his heart swelling with love when Jim’s gentle hands cradled him close. He stood up and stretched briefly before he headed for Holly, smiling warmly at her. “Could we try that bottle now?” He asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is the baby awake?” She asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He woke up as soon as he heard Jim.” Freddie laughed. “I think Jim’s going to try giving him the bottle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” She grinned. “Two minutes, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced back at Jim, who had stolen his rocking chair and was playing with the baby, letting him practice touching and gripping his fingers. “He’s starting to feel like a newborn now.” Jim smiled. “He’s all curious and playful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s just gorgeous.” Freddie sat down beside him. “I swear, I could just have him sleep on me all hours of the day and night. I love just sitting with him here, you know, I could do it forever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure I can feed him?” Jim asked, voice a little shyer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure.” Freddie leaned in and kissed him. “I did Maajid’s first everything, darling. And you- you deserve a share of that too, lovely. So I’m absolutely sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim glanced up at Holly as she brought over the bottle and smiled. “I’m sure you’re well-versed in doing this with Maajid, honey, but if he doesn’t seem to be swallowing properly, stop feeding him straight away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded and took the bottle a little nervously. “Okay.” He whispered, carefully readjusting Ejaz in his arms and then touching the bottle to his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m right here with you, don’t worry. I’ve got my eye on him.” She promised; Freddie gently rubbed his thumb back and forth on Jim’s neck, trying to be comforting. He bit his lip, watching as Ejaz parted his lips for the bottle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I knew he’d be wonderful.” Holly said encouragingly. “You’re doing really well, Jim, well done.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” He laughed a little, relieved, watching as Ejaz slowly fed from the bottle. “God, this makes me so happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does this mean we can bring him home soon?” Freddie asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“With Ejaz, we’re aiming to get him fully off of the feeding tube and onto bottle feeding.” She explained. “So now he’s out of the incubator, we just need to get him off the oxygen and the feeding tube, and then he’s all yours to take home and to love.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim yawned, pulling off his jacket as he pushed his key in the door- he took a long breath as he dropped his bag and his shoes, closing his eyes for a long moment, but he cast his gaze curiously towards the lounge door when he heard music.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He crept closer and glanced in through the door, opening it quietly so that he didn’t disturb Freddie, and couldn’t help but smile at what he saw. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was dancing around the lounge to music coming from a new record player that balanced precariously on the table, Maajid crawling around his feet and giggling happily: he looked beautiful like that, Jim thought, young and fresh and happy, unburdened. He looked so happy as he knelt on the floor and took his baby’s hands, pulling him up to standing and helping him to bounce: Maajid squealed with laughter, his little cheeks turning rosy with joy as he danced with his daddy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t this the happiest little family ever?” Jim grinned, walking towards Maajid with his arms outstretched. “Hi, honey!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Poppa!” He babbled excitedly, wobbling on shaky legs over to his father as Freddie held on tight to his hands to help him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, look at you!” Jim winked at Freddie and picked up Maajid, spinning him around in the air and making him giggle. “You sound like you’ve been having lots and lots of fun!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, we have been!” Freddie turned down the sound on his record player and pressed a sweet kiss to Jim’s lip when he stood back up. “Daddy’s been showing him lots of silly dancing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And it looks like Daddy’s helped him do lots of dancing of his own.” Jim smiled. “How’s your day been, darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I went on something of a spending bender.” He chuckled. “So Maajid now owns every pretty outfit in the whole of Harrods, and they even had outfits that would fit Ejaz, they’re tiny premature sleepsuits and socks.” He grinned wider. “And I bought myself some pretty things, too, and the record player, and the records, and a throw for the lounge-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you got any of that money left?” Jim joked, cupping his cheek and kissing him happily. “I’m glad you had fun, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got a taxi back, and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a taxi and paid for it in my life.” He grinned. “But there was no way in hell I was balancing that many bags and a baby in only my arms on the fucking tube.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s the little luxuries in life.” Jim kissed the end of his nose and then paused for a moment, just watching his face. “God, you’re so fucking pretty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Freddie blushed, though he was clearly pleased, hitting his chest playfully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s true!” Jim laughed, kissing the end of his nose again. “You’re fucking gorgeous, I don’t make the rules.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rolled his eyes, unable to hide his smile. “What are we doing for dinner?” He asked, trying to divert his attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim just winked. “I’m taking you both to the restaurant downstairs, beautiful boy.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Closure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Freddie gets his voice back.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His shoes had made a quiet noise on the tiles as he’d walked through the silent corridors of the prison, holding his baby as tight as he could, no matter how much he squeaked and wriggled to try and look around. He’d been anxious that Maajid would slip from between his fingers and run into the wrong hands; he’d tried to find anybody who could care for Maajid that day, and yet no one could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s beautiful, ain’t he?” Luca smiled, sharp, dark eyes just daring Freddie to disagree with him. “He might be mine, y’know. We should have a test to see- if he is, I’d want visits with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced down at Maajid’s bright blue eyes, relieved by the lack of resemblance between them both, and then looked back up at Luca. “No.” He said, voice shy and yet firm; in daring to say that, he felt a little power return to him. “He’s not yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whose is he, then?” He prompted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Freddie said defiantly. “But he’s not yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He frowned and crossed his arms, looking a little uncomfortable; Freddie knew he would’ve been slapped if there wasn’t a screen of glass between them. “Listen, baby-” He started with a sigh. “I know something went wrong between us, but ain’t you thinking this whole-” He gestured to the room around them. “This thing has gone a bit too far?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not helping you get out.” Freddie shook his head. “You- you nearly killed my fucking baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You told me you ain’t even want that baby!” He laughed incredulously. “You can’t be serious, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You nearly killed me!” He spat back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I was the one who looked after you.” Luca pointed out, clasping his fingers together. “You remember what happened when you ran away the first time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie swallowed hard but shook his head, resolute. “What you did, that was- it was evil, Lu.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were getting fucking mouthy, kid.” He spat, voice turning darker. “Telling ‘em what they could and couldn’t do- the amount of complaints I got about you and fucking condoms, half the guys stopped wanting to go with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know I’m HIV positive.” He said, aghast.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And welcome to the fucking industry.” He rolled his eyes. “These guys know the risks. They know ain’t none of you clean- you’re whores, for fuck’s sake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not.” Freddie hugged Maajid closer to his chest. “I’m not working anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And what are you gonna do instead?” He mocked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, first of all, I can earn money with my art-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Live in the real world!” He said exasperatedly. “You can barely fucking read and write.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you.” Freddie spat back, watching Luca’s eyes nearly pop in his head. “I’ll be fine without you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How d’you think you’re gonna get away that easily?” He mocked. “All those guys know where you live. And there was a lot of shit I didn’t let them do to you, baby, they would’ve fucking eaten you alive. Out there, without me- well, I ain’t wanna be you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rolled his eyes. “I’ve moved house.” He said confidently, standing up suddenly. “I’ve moved, and your- your cheap fucking threats, they don’t work on me anymore. You don’t fucking scare me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you finally reached down your fucking trousers and found your balls?” He mocked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a sad, fucking miserable old man who pimps kids out just so you can feel some control.” Freddie arched an eyebrow. “And you know you wouldn’t get laid if they weren’t fucking desitute and vulnerable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, big words.” He smirked, crossing his arms. “You think you’ve type-cast me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think that before long, everyone is going to know that you fuck fourteen-year-old kids.” He said plainly. “And I don’t think they take too kindly to that in prison. So, actually, I think I’d rather be in my shoes than yours- unless you’ve found a love for bloodplay in your old age.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He surged up. “You take that back.” He spat. “I did no-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was fifteen.” Freddie arched an eyebrow. “And you can bet your fucking life that I’ll mention that when I see you in court.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim yawned as he rested his chin on top of Maajid’s head, the baby quiet and settled in his arms as they sat on the floor of the nursery; though the springtime sunshine was bright and happy outside, the family were lulled into a quiet sleepiness from the gentle sounds of Ejaz asleep against Freddie’s chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He took a whole bottle this afternoon.” Freddie murmured, pressing an idle kiss to the top of Ejaz’s head. “The nurse said they’re going to take his tube out tomorrow. He’s barely having anything through the tube anymore, the nurse said he’s just hungry all the time and he’s keeping all of his milk down now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s got an awful lot of growing to do.” Jim grinned back at him, chuckling when Maajid grabbed at his socks and pulled them off. “That’s the fourth time in ten minutes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That baby refuses to have warm toes.” He laughed sleepily. “He’s the opposite of me. His dad must’ve been one of those people that’s too warm all the time- I’m too cold.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re also the only man I know who’d wear a t-shirt and thick socks.” Jim chuckled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was wearing a sweater earlier on but then Maajid threw up down my back.” He pulled a face. “I don’t think he likes the hospital formula. It seems to upset his tummy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not like you to feed Maajid here.” Jim commented. “Busy morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I went and saw Luca.” Freddie said bluntly. “He’s being held in Belmarsh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim frowned immediately. “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted him to know how much of a bastard I think he is.” Freddie said plainly. “And I wanted him to know that I’d take him to court for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet he didn’t take to that too kindly.” Jim chuckled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Basically insinuated that all of his clients were going to come to my house and rape me.” He shrugged. “To which I had the great pleasure of telling him I’d moved house, and I was sure that he’d fare far worse in prison than I would.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed the fabric over his knee and shook his head. “That guy is such a manipulative asshole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It felt good to say my piece without- I don’t know, without having to fear him, I guess. I told him I wasn’t going to work for anybody anymore and it was the first time I felt like I properly believed what I was saying- I actually believed that I can live without doing that, between you and the art and the music. Made me feel like I could give the kids some kind of future, you know, that isn’t just Daddy spreads his legs to make the money for dinner.” Freddie shrugged. “I guess I just wanted the closure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you really taking him to court?” Jim asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too fucking right I am. I spoke to this woman- she’s an inspector, I think she said, and apparently there’s a massive case against him. Hundreds of people that he turned out want money and for him to be in prison for the rest of his life.” He started to grin. “And, you know, if I can help put him there, I fucking will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid squeaked when his toes touched the water, looking up at Freddie curiously; Freddie stood in the water, clear blue up to his waist, looking between Maajid and Jim.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe Maajid is happy to stick his toes in but you won’t.” Freddie arched a playful eyebrow. “Come on, you’re taller than me, it won’t even go up this high on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can drown in two inches of water!” He said nervously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d have to be trying really, really hard to kill you, though.” Freddie winked at him, his hands securely on Maajid’s waist as he lifted him into the water, letting him float by his armbands. He started to giggle, kicking his little legs excitedly. “There we go!” Freddie grinned. “Oh, you’re a proper water baby!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let go of him.” Jim said quickly. “Freddie-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s fine, darling. Try and turn off your doctor brain for a moment.” Freddie soothed. “Just dip your toes in, honey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim watched Maajid nervously for a moment as he squeaked and splashed, never moving out of reach of Freddie, and then swung his legs around and dipped them in the water. “Shit, that’s freezing!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re acting like you’ve never been in a pool before.” Freddie laughed, holding onto Maajid’s waist as the ripples resounded through the pool; he watched Jim’s face for a moment and then arched an eyebrow. “You can swim, can’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rolled his eyes defensively. “Of course I can.” He insisted. “I just- I’m just not very confident.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned over to him and took his hand. “Come on.” He smiled kindly. “You’ll be alright, baby. I’ve got you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim considered his offer for a moment and then took Freddie’s hand, allowing himself to be pulled into the water; his heart thundered in his chest, but he felt a little safer when he felt the water only lapping around his hips. “This is- this is alright.” He admitted. “Not as deep as I thought it’d be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There we go.” Freddie leaned up and kissed him with a smile. “I’ll make an Olympic swimmer out of you yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Show me.” Jim smiled. “Show off, then, show me your skills.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hold my baby, then.” Freddie passed him Maajid and then pushed off the side, gliding effortlessly through the water, glittering in the sunlight. Jim found himself grinning, letting Maajid splash in the water as they watched Freddie together, his playful little flip at the other end of the pool and then the way he zipped back to them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you a fucking mermaid?” Jim laughed. “I swear you didn’t breathe once during that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m good at holding my breath.” He grinned, shaking water out of his hair. “God, the sun and the water feel so fucking good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got a sparkle.” He brushed water from the end of Freddie’s nose. “That’s one hell of a talent.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s just water.” Freddie grinned, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. “But I’ll take the compliment, darling.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Night Air</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Truth.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw// miscarriage mention</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Freddie leaned on the rail of the balcony, clasping his hands over the top of his head as his shoulders trembled; he looked out at the twinkling lights that swallowed London whole, though his vision was blurred by the tears in his eyes. He took in deep breaths of the night air and wiped his eyes, before he hastily pushed his hair back. He retrieved a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, fumbling with his lighter and touching it to the flame; the little pinpoint of light lit up his face, just for a moment, until he was overcome by the darkness again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie?” Jim murmured, pulling the balcony door open and shivering when he stepped out into the night air. “God, it’s freezing out here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He agreed, taking a drag on his cigarette though he choked when Jim wound an arm around his waist; he found tears racing down his cheeks and he covered his mouth, embarrassed, as he sobbed. “Sorry-” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Jim asked, pulling him into a tighter hug. “It’s okay, darling, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie crammed his hand over his nose and mouth, stifling the sound of his tears until he choked. “Shh, honey, it’s alright.” Jim promised, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back soothingly. “Deep breaths, baby, you’re okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie took a series of deep, shaking breaths, clutching his fingers in Jim’s shirt so tightly that he pulled it taut over his figure. “I’m sorry-” He whispered again, and Jim realised there was a hint of fear in his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hush, baby, you don’t have to be sorry.” He promised. “You’ve had a stressful- well, I would say few weeks, but it’s more like a stressful lifetime, isn’t it?” He murmured sympathetically.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rubbed his eyes harshly, making the skin sore and red. “I hate crying in front of people.” He whispered, his voice hoarse, letting go of Jim’s shirt and touching the cigarette to his lips again. “God, I don’t cry, I never fucking cry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re allowed to cry.” Jim rubbed his back as he leaned on the railing beside him. “Do you want to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” Freddie took another long drag of his cigarette when he felt the tears rise again. “I was just- I was thinking about something Luca said. Just- there’s a lot of shit I never dealt with, and it-” His voice grew thick. “Just makes me feel like this, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did he say?” Jim asked, voice angrier. “I swear, that bastard-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He- he just reminded me of what happened when I ran away the first time.” Freddie shook his head and wiped his eyes again, ducking his head down. “I- I’ve never told anyone about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to tell me?” Jim murmured. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- I wasn’t honest with you about my first baby- the miscarriage.” He said quietly. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really don’t have to be sorry, Freddie, I promise.” He insisted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told you I didn’t know I was pregnant.” He whispered. “And that’s- it’s bullshit, I knew. I- being pregnant, it’s such an- an intense experience, emotionally and physically. And I- I said I didn’t have any connection with the baby, but I did, because- Jim, I was pregnant to Luca.” He swallowed. “We both knew it was his baby, and I- I knew he didn’t want a baby, but I wanted him, because I- I thought it would make Luca love me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey.” Jim murmured, kissing his temple. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was the same with you.” Freddie whispered. “I thought- I thought if I had Ejaz, then you’d love me- because- because there’s not much about me-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie-” Jim started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I ran away from him.” Freddie told him, all the words suddenly coming out in a rush. “I- I couldn’t go far, I had to hitchhike because I didn’t have any money, and I got to Manchester. And I worked for a guy there- he was a pimp too, but he was nicer- he didn’t beat us half as much and we earned a bit more money than we did with Luca- I wasn’t his biggest earner and he barely paid attention to me but I liked that because it meant that I didn’t have to work so hard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Jim asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Luca paid one of his guys to find me, and to take me to London.” He whispered. “But the payment- the payment was me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim gasped. “Shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was brutal.” Freddie whispered. “And when he was done- that was when Luca broke my rib and my arm, for running away. And then I had the abruption, from how they’d treated me, and I miscarried. And I-” He sniffed heavily, but the tears still slipped down his cheeks. “I always felt like I’d let my baby down, like I- I hadn’t kept him safe, and I- I never had the chance to grieve him, Jim, he was my first child and he was- he was torn away from me, and I- I remember when they did the last test and told me I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and it-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim wrapped his arms around Freddie again when he started to cry again. “I just miss him so much.” Freddie croaked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, baby.” He whispered. “I know how hard it is for you, and you’ve been so fucking strong. You can take all the time you need to grieve.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was like an adrenaline rush.” He admitted. “Being pregnant, and then being pregnant again, dealing with all the shit with Luca and thinking you’d gone and then you were back again and Ejaz was in the hospital and I had to care for Maajid and keep you happy- I never had time to think about him. But now- I can’t explain it, Jim, it’s been so traumatic, but I loved being pregnant, when times were good, when we were happy and I felt so settled- it’s so incredible, even when I was nauseous. But I- I’ve fucked up every pregnancy I’ve ever had, and I probably won’t ever have another kid, and I- I wish I could just do it properly, just once, just-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why won’t you ever have another child?” Jim asked, stroking his hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” Freddie swallowed. “You never said you wanted another.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you’ve got a lot of healing to do.” Jim said judiciously. “Mentally and physically. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want another baby, sweetheart, it just means not right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim felt Freddie soften in his arms. “I just want to do it right, just once.” He whispered. “No abruptions, no early labour, just a- a baby I can take home straight away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And we will.” Jim promised. “But you need to be okay, first, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, finally quiet. “I feel guilty that I can’t just be happy with my family as we are, with Maajid and Ejaz.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s because you’re grieving your baby, honey. It’s because you feel like there’s something missing, does that sound right?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, suddenly tired. “I feel like I should have three children.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your heart wants a rainbow baby.” Jim smiled a little.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A baby born after a loss. Usually it would be the first baby after a loss, but for you, I think it’ll be when you’ve managed to process the loss instead.” He kissed his forehead. “You don’t have to feel guilty about anything, you’re allowed to feel like your family isn’t complete yet. You’re allowed to feel however you feel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rested his head against Jim’s chest. “I’ve never been allowed to cry.” He whispered. “I’ve- I’ve always had to work- entertain, and that means being happy all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When you’re with me, my love, you don’t have to pretend about anything.” Jim said seriously. “Why don’t you think about talking to Blair about it all? She knows a lot more about mental health than I do, sweetheart, and she might be able to help you with some coping mechanisms.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded. “I think you’re right.” He whispered. “Thank you- thank you for listening to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Always, sweetheart.” Jim gently looped his arm under Freddie’s legs and picked him up, cradling him carefully as he carried him back inside. “I love you so much, Freddie. Whether- whether we have another baby, whether we don’t, I’ll love you just the same.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Freddie whispered. “More than- more than I think you’ll ever know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t been shopping with you in years!” Kash grinned, linking her arm with Freddie’s as they walked together down Kensington High Street. Maajid was sat happily on Freddie’s hip, quiet with his pacifier in his mouth, little fingers hugging around his middle; Freddie laughed when the baby grasped at his shirt with a giggle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t remember the last time I went shopping properly.” He chuckled, looking down at Maajid. “He’s enjoying himself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never heard a baby with a sweeter giggle.” Kash grinned at them both. “Does he ever cry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, he can scream when he wants to.” Freddie grinned. “Usually at three o’clock in the morning. But he’s usually a happy baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s so sweet.” She sighed happily. “I want a baby like yours.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait until you meet Ejaz.” He laughed, kissing Maajid’s forehead as he brought him over his shoulder instead. “Oh, can we go in there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course you want to go in a baby shop.” She laughed, holding open the door for them both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to see if they’ve got something.” He walked straight over to the baby clothes. “Have they got any tiny baby stuff?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, over here.” She gestured; Freddie broke into a big smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They have!” He said excitedly, picking up a little sleepsuit that was decorated in rainbow stripes. “I want to get this for Ejaz.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A gay baby.” She snorted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A rainbow baby.” He said softly. “A- a baby after a loss.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kash went a little quiet. “Sorry.” He bit her lip. “I- I didn’t think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright.” He smiled a little. “I- I want to celebrate having Ejaz after everything I went through. They think he might be able to come home in a few weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s amazing!” She squeaked happily. “Oh, Freddie, that’s such good news!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He grinned. “We’ll be a family of four, then, properly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I-” She paused, blushing a little. “Can I tell you something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie put Maajid down in his pushchair and clipped him in quickly when he started to wriggle. “Course you can, darling.” He said distractedly: when he looked back up at her, she had a hand resting on her stomach. “No!” He gasped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded shyly. “I don’t know who the dad is.” She said shyly. “I think Mum’s going to kill me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve hardly paved the way for children in stable relationships, Kash.” He laughed. “She won’t give a shit. Do you want to keep it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grinned shyly and then nodded. “I really do.” She admitted. “You’ve done alright with Maajid, haven’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I’m a great role model for a father.” Freddie chuckled. “I’d try and do things a bit differently. I’m only in the position I am because of Jim.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I still haven’t met your Prince Charming yet.” She grinned. “Can I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, of course you can.” He grinned. “Why don’t you meet him and Ejaz at the same time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rested a finger over his lips as he gently picked up Ejaz, smiling when his baby looked up at him and then snuggled into his chest. “This is my baby.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, he’s tiny.” She whispered, gently touching his little fingers. “He’s absolutely beautiful, Fred.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He looks just like Jim.” He smiled, kissing the top of his head and bouncing him a little. “He’s off his feeding tube and his oxygen now, he’s nearly ready to come home with us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can see why he needs tiny baby clothes.” She chuckled, smiling when he looked up at her. “Hi!” She squeaked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t expecting you to be here.” Jim said softly as he came over to them, kissing Freddie’s cheek and winding an arm around his waist. “Hi, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello, darling.” Freddie leaned up and kissed him softly. “Kash wanted to meet him properly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m Jim.” He said warmly, shaking her hand with a smile. “Freddie’s boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can definitely see the resemblance between you and Ejaz.” Kash chuckled. “I’m Freddie’s sister.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s got baby fever.” Freddie joked, rocking Ejaz in his arms. “Wants to know what she’s getting herself in for.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh, congratulations!” Jim grinned. “When’s the baby due?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m only about six weeks, so I’m not sure yet.” She laughed shyly. “Have you been at work?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I work downstairs, in A&amp;E.” He explained, taking Ejaz from Freddie and smiling when his dark eyes met his own. “He’s bright and awake today, isn’t he?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s gorgeous.” Kash agreed. “And you- you two are very lucky, you know?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Indelible Ink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He finds a passion.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw// sexual assault mention</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I feel a bit ridiculous.” Freddie admitted, his cheeks flushing pink; he clasped his fingers together nervously, his head ducked down. “I- I don’t really know why I came. I- I’m shit at talking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’d be surprised by how much talking openly is a skill.” Blair comforted him. “I imagine you didn’t get an awful lot of time to practice speaking openly in your old life, did you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean-” He smiled wryly. “I did in the beginning, but you kind of get it beaten out of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can imagine.” She said sympathetically. “Do you want to tell me what that was like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” He paused for a long moment. “You have to understand the way it all works. He- Luca, the pimp, he operated- he called it a double system. So we worked on call- God, I’m not making any fucking sense.” He ducked his head down and clasped his fingers behind his head, defeated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are making sense, Freddie.” She promised, rubbing his arm gently. “A double system. Tell me what being on call means.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So Luca would take bookings, right, and we- we all worked on this one floor of a hotel he owned. And he would walk the corridor, you know, he’d look in through the spyholes and check our clients were happy. And that was being on call- you stayed in your room and let everyone come to you.” He bit his lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He sounds like he was something of a force over you. Does that sound right?” She asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. We just worked whenever he wanted us to, and I did- I did probably a minimum of fifteen clients per day, every day, from about six in the evening all through the night, and in people’s lunch breaks too.” He blushed. “If you didn’t go on call, you walked the streets, and I preferred that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How come?” She asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I could vet the people I attracted. I wouldn’t go with people that I thought looked like they could be violent, or people that looked like they were looking for something rough- that was never really my style.” He explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you not get that choice on call?” She questioned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie went quiet, glancing down at his shoes. “Call could be terrifying.” He admitted. “The deal- the deal was that if we screamed, you know, Luca would break up whatever was happening. It’s a weird, blurred line, when they’re paying to be rough with you but they start doing things that you have specifically said not to- it feels like assault, you know, but because they’re paying, you’ve kind of consented. And the- the scariest thing was that there would be times, you know, that you’d scream and he wouldn’t come. And then you knew- you knew whoever you were with was paying him too much for him to break you up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That must be very traumatic.” She said gently. “To know that the person who’s supposed to save you has decided not to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He would apologise to us.” Freddie swallowed. “Once the client had gone he’d give you a break to cry and shower, and I was- I was knee deep in my addiction back then, so he’d always give me an extra hit of whatever the best stuff he had was. It was his way of saying sorry that I’d had to go through that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me about your addiction.” She prompted. “In fact- tell me what it’s been like since you’ve been off of the cocaine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused and swallowed. “I- I did have a hit a few weeks ago.” He admitted. “I never told Jim. He was at work, Maajid was with my mother and Ejaz was in the hospital, and I- God, without it, everything feels so bland and so dull. There was nothing to do, I was- I was bored out of my mind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What was it like?” She asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Heaven.” He whispered. “The world was so bright and exciting and I- I just walked around London, I was talking to strangers and they were falling in love with me. I felt so gorgeous and happy and I- I remembered why I used to take it all the time. It was an addiction, of course it was, and withdrawal was a bitch, but I- I loved how the coke made me feel at the same time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was relieved by the lack of judgement in her gaze, having expected her disgust. “Why is the world boring, Freddie?” She asked instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I’m not being a father, there’s nothing to do.” He said honestly. “I can’t get a job, I’ve got no inspiration for drawings or songs, I just- I just sit there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said that you felt like you weren’t ever going to amount to anything earlier on. Have you ever thought about getting some qualifications, something like that?” She asked. “It’d give you something to focus on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m twenty-five.” He shook his head. “I’m too old for that shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re twenty-five.” She echoed. “You’re a quarter of the way through your life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What could I even get a qualification in?” He asked. “I’m not good at anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The obvious thing to me would be art school.” She suggested. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused and then started to smile shyly. “Do you think I could do that?” He asked shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure you could. You could do it part-time, if you needed to, so you have time to care for the children.” She shrugged. “Or so you can keep making music, something like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It smells like an industrial studio in here.” Jim chuckled, hanging up his jacket and glancing across the lounge; Freddie and Maajid both lay on their stomachs, Freddie’s paintbrush making soft, gentle strokes on his paper while Maajid sat and squeezed his squeaky toy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to kill my sister for buying Maajid that fucking toy.” Freddie smiled sweetly up at his lover, grinning wider when Jim lay down beside him. “We’re going shopping for the world’s most irritating newborn toy when she has her baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s it, baby, just think about revenge.” He laughed, kissing Freddie’s cheek. “What are you painting?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused and blushed a little. “You’ll think it’s silly.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I won’t!” He promised. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I went and saw Blair.” He said shyly. “And we were- we were talking about the fact that sometimes I- I feel really fucking purposeless, especially when I haven’t got the children around me. And she- she suggested that I could get a qualification, to make me feel like I’m- I’m on track with everyone else in life- and she suggested art school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyebrows flew up. “You’re applying for art school?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think it’s a stupid idea?” Freddie winced. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love it!” Jim said excitedly. “Do you need to get art supplies? We could set you up with a little studio in the spare room if you want it, so you’ve got somewhere that you can focus properly, and we can- what kind of materials do you like? We could buy you paints and canvas, or a few sets of nice pencils, some paper, a lightbox if you want it-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was only when he looked over at Freddie that he saw the look of awe on his face, as though Jim had promised him more than charcoal and gouache; his eyes were wide, hopeful, happy. “Are you serious?” He asked shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Jim grinned eagerly. “It’s not too late, is it? We could go now. Have you ever been to Green and Stone?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie bit his lip shyly and shook his head. “All this stuff is from The Works.” He whispered. “I- I’ve never had expensive stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim stood up and held out a hand for Freddie. “Let me spoil you?” He asked hopefully. “Please, baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s cheeks pinkened. “As if you haven’t enough already.” He laughed softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hush. I love you, and it would be my pleasure to spoil you.” He grinned. “Come on, get your shoes on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid was babbling happily in his pushchair when they walked into Green and Stone, pushed lazily by Jim with one hand while his other clasped Freddie’s. “What kind of supplies do you want, honey?” Jim asked; Freddie smiled at the tone of his voice, the gentle confidence that he often spoke with when he felt happy and in control. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want a nice sketchbook, a spiral-bound one.” Freddie let go of Jim’s hand carefully. “I want to make a proper portfolio, something really- really good, that I can be proud of.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Which one?” Jim asked, watching as Freddie picked up an A3 sketchbook reverently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s expensive.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey-” Jim hooked a finger under his chin and pulled him into a brief kiss. “Don’t worry about money. This is for you to have some good stuff to really work with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Promise, honey.” Jim promised. “Which one do you really like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked through them all, eventually choosing an A2 sketchbook with watercolour paper. “Can I get this one?” He asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sweetheart. What else do you want?” He asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The earnest look of wonder on Freddie’s face as he walked into the paint aisle made Jim’s heart feel warm; he looked like a little child as his fingers skimmed tubes of titanium white, ultramarine, cadmium red. His arms quickly became full of tubes of different sizes and iridescent hues, acrylics, watercolours, oil paints, though he cradled the tube of rose quartz paint most carefully. “Do you prefer painting, then?” Jim asked, not wanting to interrupt him when he seemed so focused. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like sketching, too.” He smiled earnestly. “And markers for more graphic design-style art. I like charcoal- I should get some of that-” He turned quickly, nearly dropping a tube of emerald green, but Jim caught it quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get a basket, baby.” Jim laughed and handed it back to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time the basket was full to the brim, Jim swore the smile on Freddie’s face was as indelible as the ink he’d tested all over his hands.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Quick q - would people like this fic to be longer? Would you like to see the development of art school! daddy freddie (and maybe a baby on the horizon) or would you prefer this ends at chapter 30 as planned? Let me know either here or tumblr!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Turpentine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ambitions</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He adored the way that the breeze came through the balcony doors on the warmer spring evenings, the way that the sunset would leak over the tiles in his lounge and paint them shades that he would try and recreate with acrylics and his brushes; he adored rocking slowly back and forth, the sunshine on his cheeks, as he fed the child cradled in his arms. He closed his eyes, just for a moment, as he indulged in the feeling of the baby in his arms. Now that he had begun working, creating artwork that stretched across the walls and floors of his studio, his lounge, even into his bedroom, he had also begun to love the quiet moments he got when his baby needed him, wanting to play or else a moment of quiet with his daddy and his bottle. There was a quiet happiness that blossomed in him when Maajid would crawl across the floor, little hands trying to grasp at Freddie’s paintbrush to make art for himself. They’d ventured out together on that mellow April day and bought Maajid a set of finger paints that he had created mayhem with all afternoon; Freddie had just smiled from his easel as his baby had painted his skirting boards pink and blue, in love with the touch that made the house feel all the more his own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Maajid had fallen asleep against his shoulder, Freddie had laid down on the sofa and allowed him to rest against him, his eyes tracing the patterns the baby had created. Under his careful paintbrush, some had become flowers, some butterflies, trailing all over his wall, the first piece of artwork that they had created together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d always assumed that he would be hopeless as a father, that he wouldn’t know how to deal with children, a baby being so dependent upon him. He’d expected that he’d find his children frustrating, stifling his independence, but he loved them more than ever: just to have his baby in his arms, curled up and grasping his fingers eagerly as he drank, made him feel warmer inside than he ever had before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even the click of the door was lazy that evening, sleepy, quieter than Jim’s usual excited slam: Freddie smiled at the gentle thud of his shoes hitting the floor, the zip of his jacket, his backpack landing next to the shoe rack. Hearing another person, his lover, so comfortable in his presence, made him smile; his smile only widened when Jim came into the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sight of Freddie, barefoot and bundled in the hanging chair in the corner, his baby curled close and warm, made an instantaneous smile blossom over his lips. He looked half-asleep himself, sunshine-lazy and happy; he rested his cheek on the top of Maajid’s head and then smiled up at Jim. “Hi, darling.” He murmured, voice barely above a whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you look comfy?” Jim smiled, leaning down and pressing the softest, most gentle kiss to Freddie’s lips. He seemed happier than he had in a long while, smelling strongly of turpentine and yet a soft, wooden scent clinging to the charcoal smudge on the column of his throat; his hands had every crease stained with a different colour of ink, pinks blending with purples, purples with orange, and oranges with bright blues. “You look like you’ve worked hard today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bought Maajid finger paints.” Freddie grinned excitedly, unable to wait a moment longer to tell his lover. “He’s been my little helper today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Looks like he’s ready for bed.” Jim smiled, stroking Maajid’s cheek gently and watching as his eyelids drooped. “He’s a sleepy little baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think he just wanted a comfort bottle.” Freddie murmured lovingly. “He’s been awake most of the day, I put him down for a nap at about two but he was awake again by half-past.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And he was awake before I left this morning.” He kissed Maajid’s forehead and gently took him from Freddie when he put the bottle aside; he cradled him close in his arms as the little boy slept, patting him lightly on the back. “Do you want me to put him down?” He offered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d love that.” Freddie smiled earnestly, standing up and stretching. “I need to clean my brushes, otherwise they’ll go hard and I’ll never get them clean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pressed a quick kiss to his lips and grinned. “Just a minute, darling.” He promised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He carried Maajid into his bedroom, drawing the curtains with one arm, gently rocking Maajid back and forth to keep him asleep; he already wore a sleepsuit, and though there was paint around the cuffs and the knees, Jim thought it better to let him sleep without waking. As Freddie had always said to him, a little paint never hurt anybody.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood in the kitchen, balancing precariously on one leg as he massaged paint thinner through the bristles of his brushes; one by one, Jim watched as he soaked the paint from them, before he soaped the ends of each paintbrush with the soap that Jim had regarded curiously every time he’d washed his hands at the kitchen sink. He carefully reformed the bristles and then clipped them to the line he’d slung across the kitchen, spacing them apart so they wouldn’t dry together and deform the tips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim supposed that most people didn’t cook dinner while they dodged the cold, wet ends of the days’ paintbrushes, but he loved their home all the more for it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re happy, honey.” Jim commented, dropping a kiss on his cheek as he walked to the kettle. “Earl Grey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, I’d love one.” Freddie smiled widely at him, trying his best to scrub the paint from his hands. It took only thirty seconds for him to give up and dry them off, before he rested his hip against the counter and watched his lover. “I think I’ve decided on a couple of places I’m going to apply to.” He grinned, and Jim could see the excitement in the sparkle in his eye, a gorgeous little diamond residing on the edge of his iris that glittered when he smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me all!” Jim grinned, picking up the two mugs and placing them down on the kitchen island. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grabbed his bag from the sofa and pulled out three brochures, spreading them out over the counter and then sitting on the barstool as he flipped them to the pages he cared the most about. “So, I was thinking-” He glanced at Jim’s face and grinned wider, encouraged by the warmth in his lover’s eyes: he knew Jim believed he could make it into any of the institutions littered across their table. “The Slade School of Fine Art, Central Saint Martins, or- or the Royal College of Art.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So how do you apply?” Jim grinned; the way he spoke promised Freddie that he wasn’t dreaming too big. “What do we need to do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The way that Jim referred to his ambitions as </span>
  <em>
    <span>theirs </span>
  </em>
  <span>would never fail to make Freddie smile. Though he was the one who created the countless artworks that dried on their walls, though he was the one who filled the sketchbooks strewn across their coffee table, the floor of their bedroom, stacked on the kitchen counter, it felt as though Jim supported him simply by taking half of the responsibility upon himself. The responsibility that he took was gently reinforcing to Freddie that he could do it, that his fingertips could create work that was worthy of being seen by such incredible teachers; his responsibility was to kiss Freddie’s cheeks when his eyes were heavy and yet he clutched his pencils resolutely, coaxing him to bed with a mug of Earl Grey tea and the promise of a warm chest to lay against throughout the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They all want a portfolio.” Freddie bit his lip shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim glanced around, chuckling to himself. “Take your pick!” He joked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like any of them enough.” He admitted. “I want to- I want to make something really special. They want something that shows finished work, and sketchbook work, you know, development and process work, as many materials as I can. I want to make something that really shows them who I am, Jim, I want- I need them to see just how much I want to go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are there pieces you’ve done that you want to include?” He asked, taking Freddie’s hand and looking through the brochure for the Royal College of Art. “Oh, I never thought that they’d have assignments for you to do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The one of you, where you’re laughing and you’ve got bluebells in your hair.” He smiled, taking the fourth sketchbook down from the pile opposite them and opening it; a photo-perfect painting of Jim smiled back at them both, bluebells and buttercups threaded between the curls of his sun kissed hair. “This is my favourite piece I’ve ever done.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s fingertips trailed it as gently as he could, careful not to smudge anything. “You know, I still think this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me.” He said earnestly, hooking a finger under Freddie’s chin and smiling to himself at the light scratch of his stubble: Freddie only ever forgot to shave on the days where he was distracted by his baby or a passion project. More often than not, it had been both. “Have you got everything you need?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to get a proper portfolio to keep my best bits in.” Freddie curled his fingers around his mug and sipped it slowly, letting his eyes close contentedly for a moment. The first cup of tea once Maajid had gone to bed was always his favourite of the day. “I might submit a couple of the pieces from this book. I like-” He drew it closer to himself and flicked through the pages, every moment an inked snapshot of their time together; Ejaz asleep in his crib, the light iridescent in the tubes of his oxygen pump; Maajid giggling, floating in the water of the pool in the afternoon sunshine; Freddie himself, recreated from a photo that Jim had taken of him in Hyde Park, ice cream dotted on the end of his nose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t really take photos.” Freddie had admitted, lounging in the sunshine with his baby asleep against his chest. “I like to draw just from memory, I think- I think memories are more special, you know? Drawings always look better when they’re done through rose-tinted glasses.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His fingers finally stopped on a snapshot of Maajid, laying on his front and grasping at brightly coloured blocks; though he hadn’t yet begun to make them into towers, he loved to knock down things that Freddie built, and Freddie would never stop loving the sound of his laughter when he did. “I love this one, too. He looks- God, I adore how happy he looks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve accidentally made the world’s happiest baby.” Jim pulled his chair closer to Freddie’s and wound an arm around his waist, resting his head on Freddie’s shoulder as they flicked through the sketchbook together. “Freddie, darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Freddie kissed the top of his head idly and flicked to another page, landing on a painting of Jim giving Maajid a bottle next to the lido in Hyde Park. “I didn’t realise I had so many pictures of this day.” He smiled. “Can we go back again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course we can. I’ll take you and the babies to the beach once the weather gets warmer.” Jim promised. “Can you promise me you’ll never throw this away?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie quirked an eyebrow. “Why would I?” He asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know some people hate their art after a while. I wouldn’t- this feels like a photo album of the last few months, you know, you’ve drawn a lot more than I’ve taken photos, and I would hate to lose this.” He smiled. “You’re so fucking talented, I want to show these to the kids when they’re older.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is why your daddy always smelled of mint, clay, and chalk.” Freddie laughed. “I love that that’s what they’ll remember, though. They’ll remember the scent of linseed oil- they’ll remember me wearing crazy overalls and sweaters and they’ll remember the colours on my hands.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think you like this as a new identity?” Jim asked curiously, twirling a strand of Freddie’s hair around his finger; he swore it was as soft as his voice, feeling like silk against his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“An artist.” Freddie murmured, his voice a little dreamy. “It’s such a dream- I never thought I’d be an artist.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim jumped down from his chair and hugged Freddie suddenly from behind, listening to his squeak with a laugh and kissing the join between Freddie’s neck and his shoulder. “With talent like that, baby, I think it’d be rude not to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The way that Jim cradled Ejaz to his chest made Freddie’s heart feel iridescent, shining with the warmth he kept inside; the care with which he toed open doors, his hands never leaving the body of the tiny baby that slept against his shoulder, made him feel safer than he ever had before. “Sometimes, just watching him breathe is incredible.” Freddie laughed, shoving his key in the lock quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re home!” Jim sang, though his voice barely rose beyond a whisper; both men laughed when Ejaz’s eyes cracked open a little, as though to survey the new, strange surroundings of his home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s thinking that this place is a hell of a lot quieter than the hospital, I’ll bet.” Freddie laughed, putting Maajid down immediately when he started to wriggle. “I can’t believe he’s really home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me neither, darling.” Jim leaned over to kiss him, and Freddie could feel the press of his smile into it; he cupped his cheek lovingly, the assortment of rings on his fingers cold against his skin. “I’m going to pop him in the Moses basket, and then I’ll put that in the lounge and we can make a start on dinner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie watched as he lay him down, Ejaz’s eyes flying over when his back touched the soft cotton of his new bed. “Is that comfy, baby?” Freddie murmured, kneeling beside the basket and leaning down to kiss his forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ejaz grasped onto Freddie’s hair and he laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He grinned at Jim, standing up and winding his arms around him tightly. “God, I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, honey.” Jim rubbed his waist leisurely. “You know, darling, we’re really feeling like a proper family now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re going to have to start pulling your weight with bottles.” He joked, laying his head against Jim’s chest; his eyelids grew heavy to the beat of Jim’s heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” He rolled his eyes, poking his cheek playfully; Freddie glanced up at him and they watched one another for a long moment. Jim watched the way that Freddie would smile from the corner of his mouth, a lifetime of speaking with cigarettes jammed in the other corner having changed his smile forever; Freddie watched the way a flush rose on Jim’s cheeks, curious to know what had turned his cheeks so pink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Say it.” Freddie whispered, winding his arms around Jim’s neck. “You want to say something, say it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to get married?” He asked abruptly, and Freddie watched with the sweetest smile as his cheeks reddened further. “I’m not- I’m not proposing, sorry, I said that weirdly- I just wanted to know-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’d like to know if I’d want to get married to you one day?” Freddie grinned, a blush rising on his own cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He bit his lip, smiling at the sight of the happiness that had blossomed on Freddie’s cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think that’s even a question, darling.” He murmured, a little coquettish, a little teasing. “Would I like to marry the man who makes me happier than anybody else in the whole world? Darling- of course I would.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d love to marry you one day.” Jim took his hands and kissed his knuckles lovingly. “Then we’ll really be a proper family.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know whether you like the writing style of this chapter more or less than the other chapters! I'd love to know 😊</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Encaustic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Testing the waters</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>His eyes had seen so much, and yet so little. He’d seen violence in all its worst guises; he’d witnessed more blood than anybody ought to in one lifetime, seen throats being slit on people he’d come to care about, blood running from the cracks in faces that he had once adored as the only family that he had. He’d watched death, he’d watched rape, he’d watched violence, humiliation, danger. He’d spent years learning to be afraid of his own shadow, learning the best places to hide, learning how to be as small, as obsequious, as servile as he possibly could be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d seen more trauma than anyone could process in a lifetime, but he’d never seen this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d seen so much horror, but never so much beauty; his mind, so primed to deal with violence, was overwhelmed by something others would consider to be so normal. Walking the corridors of the Royal College of Art, he felt assaulted by beauty, the beauty of tall canvases that littered the walls, the beauty of the afternoon sunshine as it splashed through the windows, so reminiscent of his own back home. He could only watch in wonder at the students sat in their studios, endless tables of acrylic and charcoal and paintings hung to dry above sinks busy with paintbrushes, feeling as though he was suddenly surrounded by a hundred thousand people who cared so deeply about his art in a way he’d always been taught to stifle before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked around quickly when a hand fell on his shoulder, his cheeks flushing pink when he realised he’d been caught staring. “You’ll lose the rest of the tour if you’re not careful.” The stranger told him, but he was smiling widely as he looked Freddie over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you don’t need to be. It’s one hell of a building, I think it can be quite intimidating when you first come in.” He chuckled, and Freddie couldn’t help but smile at the warmth of his voice. “I’m Taavi, I’m an associate professor in painting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie.” He smiled, shuffling his portfolio in his arms to shake his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to come in and have a look?” He offered, swiping his pass on the door and opening it up for Freddie. “The studios are where you’ll spend most of the time, so it’s nice to get a feel inside them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stepped inside, the smell of linseed oil and stretched canvas making him smile instantaneously. He looked around, his eyes reflecting the beauty of paint not only splashed across canvases but also across the floors, the walls, and the windows. “It’s gorgeous.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t it just?” Taavi smiled, leading him over to a desk and gently prizing his portfolio from his hands. “Can I have a look?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie blushed harder and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah.” He whispered, sitting on a high stool beside him and watching as he carefully unzipped his portfolio; he drew out piece after piece of his artwork, his touch so gentle as he spread them out over the desk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a minute or two as Taavi shuffled between different papers of his portfolio, before he took his sketchbook in hand and began to turn every inked page, the sound crackling in the quiet between them. “What programme are you applying for?” He asked quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The diploma.” Freddie murmured, anxiously picking at his fingernails. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With that, Taavi turned his whole attention to Freddie. “Why?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie bit his lip. “I- I don’t have any qualifications.” He whispered. “I can’t- I can’t apply for anything else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head slowly and turned back to his artwork, picking up Freddie’s portrait of Jim and laying it on the table between them. “You don’t need to do the diploma, Freddie.” He said seriously. “This is absolutely incredible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His cheeks turned scarlet and a smile crashed across his face; he looked so sweet, so earnest, and so joyful. “Really?” He asked eagerly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d expect this quality from my final year painting students.” He said honestly, grinning back at him. “This is fucking amazing. Where did you learn to do this? Is this a photo you’ve recreated?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” He laughed shyly. “I- I always loved to paint, and I could spend hours doing it, I just- God, I find it so fun to do. I don’t usually paint from photos- this one is from memory, but I can recreate photos if I have to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’ve never had a formal art education.” He said honestly, flicking to the picture of Maajid laughing with his blocks. “Is this your baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He whispered. “I’ve got two kids, and that-” He pointed to the painting of Jim. “He’s my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can tell you love the people you’re painting.” He grinned back at Freddie. “I wish I could give my husband something that was half as good as this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie beamed back at him. “What- what course would you recommend that I do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can do the diploma if you want to.” He said honestly. “But you don’t need to apply for that because you think it’s the only course you’ll get onto. If I were the professor that looked through this as your application portfolio for the masters in painting, I’d accept you. But the most important thing is that you apply for the discipline that you enjoy the most.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Painting is my favourite.” He said softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can tell.” He chuckled. “My only bit of advice- you need to vary your materials a bit. You’re clearly wonderful in acrylic and oil, but I want to see more in gouache and watercolour. Have you ever used encaustic?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not really.” He admitted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a strange one, it’s waxed-based so it can be a bit tricky to work with. Try a few pieces in it, and include a couple even if they aren’t your best work, that’d be my advice. We can see your best work in these.” He gestured to the array of pages across the desk. “But they’ll be looking for variety and a willingness to try things you’re not so sure about, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ejaz was fast asleep in his sling as Freddie wandered the aisles of Green and Stone, his little fists locked his shirt as he perused the selection of paints they had. He had already picked up another of his favourite sketchbooks - Jim had joked that there were so many littered around the apartment that they should start ordering them in bulk - and a set of palette knives and brushes, along with the encaustic medium itself. He’d chosen a series of little canvases, thin enough that they could fit into his portfolio, and a heat gun; when he’d come to choose his pigments, he’d gone with the ones that had caught Ejaz’s eye, a series of greens and blues that he had reached his little fingers for. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Freddie screamed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Motherfucker!” He put his hand to his chest as Jim stood behind him, laughing so hard his stomach hurt; he wound his arms around Freddie a moment later and kissed his nose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, baby, you were just so focused that you didn’t even notice that I was stood right next to you.” Jim grinned and kissed his lips softly, smiling when Freddie rolled his eyes playfully and then kissed him again. “How was it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Incredible.” He admitted, his cheeks flushing with happiness. “One of the professors looked through my portfolio there and then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did he say?” Jim asked eagerly. “Did he like it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He loved it.” He grinned. “He said- he said I should apply for the masters in painting and skip the diploma. He said that- he said that the standard of my painting is the same as he’d expect from his final year students.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit.” Jim said breathlessly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He was so lovely.” Freddie murmured. “He just- he seemed to think that I was something special, and he- he really made me feel like I- I have a gift, Jim.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that why you’re getting new stuff?” He asked, looking in Freddie’s basket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. He said that I should apply for painting, but that I’d need more work in watercolour, gouache, and encaustic to fill out my application.” He explained. “So I’m going to take out my pencil and charcoal work and do more work in paint- I’m going to do more oils, too, because they’re my favourite.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyes scanned over the stand behind Freddie and he started to grin. “I think I’d like to buy you a celebratory present.” He said simply.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie turned when Jim reached for a chest, a little bamboo box that he’d had his eye on for weeks: professional oil colours, brushes, a palette knife and palette, liquin, sansodor, sketching pencils and an eraser to sketch his outlines. His mouth fell open when he picked it up and he looked at Jim in shock. “You’re not serious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you’re going to be a fine art student specialising in painting, you better have the right materials, don’t you think?” He grinned. “You can take this with you on your first day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you so much.” Freddie whispered, leaning up and kissing him so lovingly. “God, you’ve just- you’ve been through this whole thing with me, you’ve supported me the whole time, and I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And it’s because I love you as well.” Jim chuckled, pressing one more kiss to his forehead. “I want to see you succeed, darling, I want to see you feeling so happy- I want you to know that you’re incredible, and see it just how everyone else sees it in you.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Shots</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He needs to learn how to look after himself.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Props to Delphi for proof reading for me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Oh, he must be eating like a horse!” Honey said delightedly, gently picking up Ejaz and handing him back to Freddie. “Five pounds exactly. That’s really brilliant, solid weight gain, especially now he hasn’t got his tube anymore- he’s taken to being at home like a duck to water.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grinned and kissed Ejaz’s forehead, settling him in his arms when he started to fuss. “I feel like I drop everything and feed him about every half hour.” He chuckled, voice a little hoarse. “Maajid mostly sleeps through now, but Ejaz wakes up at least every two hours at the moment.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is Jim going on leave to help you out?” She asked, watching as he rocked the baby. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Next week, thankfully.” He yawned, and then turned his mouth to his shoulder to cough. “Two babies is a hell of a lot of work when you’re trying to look after yourself at the same time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded, glancing over him quickly, and then bit her lip. “Speaking of that, darling- you look like you’ve lost quite a bit of weight these last few weeks. You- I’m a little worried, darling, because you didn’t have any to lose in the first place. Have you been feeling okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded quickly. “I’ve been fine.” He promised her. “Just busy- I don’t always have too much of an appetite.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded slowly. “Have you been okay with looking after yourself? You’re sleeping and eating okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I promise.” He chuckled, coughing again. “Sorry. I feel a bit sick when I eat sometimes, but I think that’s probably just an anxiety thing, you know, what with all the changes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you’ve been taking your medication?” She prompted. “Because you started those antiretrovirals later than we would’ve liked, and-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I wake up and before I go to bed. I promise, darling, I’m fine.” He insisted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded, but he could tell that she wasn’t convinced by what he was saying. “Unexplained weight loss when you’re on treatment isn’t a great sign, and neither is that cough.” She said honestly. “If I were you, I’d go and see the guys in the clinic.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie frowned and cradled Ejaz closer to his chest. “What for?” He asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“HIV can be a bitch when you haven’t gotten it under control. The last thing you need is to get sick.” She said seriously. “I’ll call the clinic and tell them you’re going down. Even if they just do a general physical on you and they find out that everything’s fine, I’d rather you were checked over than we just assumed everything’s okay and then it’s not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded slowly. “It won’t take too long, will it? Maajid’s at nursery, I’ll have to pick him up soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully not.” She nodded. “Just get down there as soon as you can, won’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you say you’re having any problems right now?” Sebastian asked, noting down the vitals that he’d taken in his notebook.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just this fucking cough.” He admitted. “I mean, I’m pretty tired, but- I’ve got two kids under one and I smoke too much, so I think it’s probably just that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are running a bit of a fever.” He said gently. “Which means you’ve probably got some kind of infection. It’s one of the things we keep an eye out for when you’re positive, because infections can get nasty if we don’t treat them pretty quickly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded dumbly. “What is it?” He asked quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sit back on this bed for me.” He patted it and Freddie jumped up quickly, casting a quick glance at Ejaz in his pram to calm himself. “I’m going to give your chest a quick x-ray, and see if there’s anything on the scan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stayed quiet as he worked quickly and methodically, leaving the room for only a moment before he came back with two images that he laid out on the desk. “This looks to me like a chest infection.” He said simply. “And your CD4 count has come down again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what we wanted, right?” He asked, coughing into his sleeve.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately not.” He sat opposite Freddie. “We want your viral load to go down, and your CD4 count to come back up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” He whispered. “So what does that mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It means you’re at risk of being really quite unwell.” He said honestly. “If this is bacterial, it could easily become pneumonia, and that could leave you in hospital.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swallowed nervously. “Can you treat it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sebastian nodded. “We’ll get you going on a course of antibiotics straight away, and I’ll give you a shot of them before you leave so that we can treat that infection urgently. I’m also going to change your prescription for your antiretrovirals- a lot of people have to be on more than one type in order for their CD4 count to go up, and it looks like that would be beneficial for you, too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hate injections.” Freddie whispered nervously. “Is Jim around? Jim Hutton?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“From emergency?” He asked. “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s my boyfriend.” Freddie murmured shyly. “If I- if I have to get shots, I’d rather he was here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll give the emergency department a quick call for you and see.” He smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he came back into the room, Jim followed closely behind him, a worried line between his eyebrows; Freddie couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief and reached for him immediately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s the matter?” He asked, winding his arms around Freddie. “Is everything okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got a chest infection.” Freddie whispered. “And my- my-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His CD4 count has gone down further.” Sebastian explained for him as Freddie sighed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I don’t think I’m very well.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, sweetheart, it doesn’t sound like you are.” Jim said sympathetically, kissing Freddie’s forehead lightly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And he said I had to have injections.” He added quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was planning to do a shot of antibiotics and a new antiretroviral to get them both acting quickly in his system.” Sebastian added. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rubbed his waist lightly. “So you didn’t want to get the injections without me here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just hate them.” Freddie admitted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay, sweetness. You can squeeze my hand, but let’s get them over and done with, shall we?” He suggested.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll just go and grab them.” Sebastian said quickly, leaving the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why am I not getting better?” Freddie whispered. “You got better really quickly, but I- it’s like it won’t leave me alone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby.” Jim kissed the top of his head gently. “It’s because we have different bodies, that’s all. I might have to change medications one day, mine might stop working if it becomes resistant, and you might never have to change tablets, because it affects different people differently. It’s not because there’s anything wrong with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re healthier than me.” Freddie murmured. “That’s the truth, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to look after yourself more.” Jim said judiciously. “You can’t live on three hours’ sleep, Topic bars and Skittles.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know this sounds stupid-” Freddie paused and swallowed. “I don’t really know how to do it. I- I get all guilty when I stop doing stuff, because I- I feel like I need to get into art school so I can help you with money, or I need to tend to the kids, or- or whatever. I don’t really like looking after myself; it feels like a waste of time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you were treated like property instead of a person.” Jim said simply. “I bet you never ate a square meal the whole time you worked for Luca.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mostly just sugar. It was kind of a running joke, I ate Kit-kats and Tangfastics more than anything else.” He admitted. “It was cheap to buy on our wages and you could just eat a handful whenever you needed them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And because I’m always working shifts, I’m never home at your meal times to cook.” Jim added.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have meal times. I have snacks in between working and running around after two mental children.” He bit his lip. “I guess I don’t really eat enough, do I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were the one who told me that you were skeletal when you were working for him. Come to think of it, you didn’t put enough on when you were pregnant- I feel like all I ever saw you eat was ice cream.” Jim bit his lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything makes me feel sick.” He admitted. “Even now- it’s like my body’s still getting over that hurdle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s probably because your body hasn’t dealt with that for a long time.” Jim whispered. “Listen, why don’t I cook for us tonight? What do you like to eat?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie bit his lip. “I don’t really know.” He admitted. “I’ll try anything, I don’t mind. I liked that thing that you cooked for me when you still lived with Jamie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, that’s nearly a year ago.” Jim murmured. “I really have slacked on looking after you, haven’t I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t have to look after me.” He said, voice heavy with guilt. “I’m an adult.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And? Part of being in love is helping to love after your significant other when they’re not feeling great.” Jim kissed his cheek when Sebastian walked back in. “Come on, let’s get this over and done with, yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was fast asleep in their snuggle chair in the corner of the lounge, Maajid curled up to his chest; the baby also slept soundly, warm cheek pressed up against him, a living doll in his arms. Jim glanced over the lounge, his family lulled to sleep by the gentle sizzle of the food in his pans, and couldn’t help the smile that crossed his lips; all he had ever wanted was this, was his family so close by him, safe and loved and peaceful in his home. Ejaz was awake, laying on his back in his Moses basket and laughing every time Jim leaned down to tickle his tummy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d never been so grateful to have time away from work.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie slowly blinked his eyes open around twenty minutes later, gently laying Maajid down on the sofa; he pulled himself up to standing and coughed weakly, before he walked tiredly into the kitchen and wound his arms around Jim’s waist. “Smells good.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad.” He chuckled, turning around to hug Freddie close to his chest. “I think you should go and have another session with Blair, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Why?” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel like you had good clarity in your mind after you spoke to her last time.” He explained, threading his fingers through Freddie’s hair. “And what you were saying about looking after yourself being a waste of time- I think that’s the kind of thing that you should talk through with her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel stupid.” He admitted. “My tongue gets all tied and my head- it’s all over the place. I don’t really want to talk about it all. If I- when I talk, I sound fucking stupid, Jim, and I feel like- like it’s just obvious, you know, that I’m stupid.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not stupid.” Jim said firmly. “Do you feel embarrassed about it, is that what happens?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess.” He whispered. “When you’re- when you’re in his world, you’re proud of being the best whore, but other people- she’s lovely, Jim, she really is, she doesn’t judge me for anything, but it makes me think about how I sound. And I realise- it’s fucking pathetic, isn’t it, spreading your legs to earn the money for baby formula when you’re already pregnant again with kids you can’t care for.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s part of being a victim.” He said gently. “It’s because you don’t believe in yourself. You don’t believe that you can do anything else, because he stuffed himself into your head until it was all that you could believe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really feel like a victim.” He admitted. “People say that- that he groomed me, things like that. But I don’t- I was the one who gave up school because I preferred partying and coke, and that- that’s on me, no matter what anyone else says.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Isolating you into that world didn’t give you the choice to get out, though.” Jim explained. “So you might have chosen to seduce him that first night, but that doesn’t mean you consented to everything that happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I only chose to leave twice.” He murmured. “I could’ve- I could’ve.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Could you?” Jim countered. “You told me that he hunted you down and assaulted you when he found you. That’s a false illusion, Freddie. The illusion of choice doesn’t mean you ever actually had it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He paused for a long moment. “I wish I saw it like you.” He admitted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I think you should go back to Blair. Once you’re feeling better, of course.” Jim kissed the top of his head and let Freddie sit down on the kitchen barstool. “I think it’s time you learned how to look after yourself, once and for all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie whispered. “You know, I think you’re right.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Poorly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He learns to depend on others.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ejaz would lay peacefully in his arms forever, it seemed on afternoons like those, sleeping soundly when he could hear the steady heartbeat of his father, and could feel its steady thrumming against his chest. When he knew his daddy was close by, despite the noise and the chaos of the inner London streets that whirred on beneath them, he would be calm, he would be quiet; so long as his skin could touch Freddie’s, he would be at peace. Balancing both of his children, however; darting between stopping Maajid from eating crayons while Ejaz cried from loneliness, was enough to drive any man to insanity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Freddie murmured, settling Ejaz against his chest while his father picked up Maajid to give him his bottle. “It’s such a handful sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Especially when you’re not feeling great.” Bomi said sympathetically, sitting cross legged on the end of the sofa facing his son. “How are you doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I keep waking up Ejaz because I keep fucking coughing.” He yawned. “Jim’s been lovely about it, but I must have driven him insane last night, and he left at five this morning- he must be exhausted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid was quiet on Bomi’s knee, drinking greedily from the bottle in his hand. “So you’ve been looking after them since five?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ejaz woke at four, so I saw Jim while he got ready for work, and then I managed to get him back to sleep until Maaj woke at half six- but once they’re both awake, I’ve got no chance in hell of getting them both to sleep again until two or three.” He rubbed his eyes sleepily. “I might take a nap when they do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you call me?” He asked gently. “It’s not like I’m doing anything these days- I can always help you with the little ones. You sound like you could do with a nap now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started coughing again, covering his mouth with his sleeve. “I- I sometimes forget that you’re around again.” He admitted. “I really got used to doing everything myself, you know? Sometimes I forget that normal people depend on their families- I just feel like I have to do everything by myself, or- you know, occasionally with Jim. Like- he’s teaching me how to cook, now, because I don’t know how to do it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like fun.” He grinned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It kind of is. Because he usually gets home around six, he helps me settle the kids- we like to give them both bottles before they go to bed, but they take different formulas, you know, and it’s a struggle to feed them both at once. But he gives Ejaz his bottle, and puts him to bed, and I settle Maajid, and then we cook something together- it’s quite nice to feel like we’re a proper couple once the kids have gone to bed.” He yawned again and rested his cheek against Ejaz’s head, closing his eyes for a moment. “I might- could you come tomorrow?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Course I can, darling.” Bomi murmured, gently patting Maajid on the back. “Listen, why don’t you go and lie down for a while? You’ll make yourself even more sick if you exhaust yourself while you’re trying to get better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This was a shit time to get sick.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “If I put Ejaz down, he’ll cry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leave him to me, moosh.” He said gently. “I can handle a couple of babies. Remember, I had you and Kash at the same time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled, and just how grateful he was seemed to glow from inside his heart; he stood up slowly and handed Ejaz to Bomi once he’d placed Maajid down beside him on the sofa. “Thanks, Pa.” He said, sleepily rubbing his cheek. “Wake me if you- if you need me for anything, I can help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go to bed, sweetheart. I promise the world won’t fall down.” He smiled. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good evening!” Jim sung as he came in through the front door, leaving everything in a heap beside the door, the opposite of his usually meticulous routine; all he wanted was to see his lover and know he was okay. Maajid crawled eagerly over the floor to see him, and Jim laughed when his excited little boy came quickly to his feet. “Hi, baby!” He chuckled, picking him up and kissing his forehead. “Where’s your daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s asleep, I’m afraid.” Bomi came over to Jim, cradling Ejaz in his arms. “But your son can’t wait to see you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ejaz looked up at Jim with big, brown eyes and Jim couldn’t help but lean down to kiss his forehead, though his cheeks coloured, knowing he was in front of Freddie’s father. “Is he okay?” Jim asked softly, looking up at Bomi. “Freddie, I mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He was absolutely exhausted, bless him. I popped around for lunch because I hadn’t seen him in a few weeks, but he was almost falling asleep trying to give Maajid a bottle.” He smiled kindly. “And he didn’t want to call you in case you thought he- he couldn’t cope, or something like that. So I promised I’d stay with him and help him to look after the children while you were at work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you so much.” He said earnestly. “He- God, he absolutely swore blind that he was feeling alright this morning, I didn’t realise he was so exhausted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s been asleep since eleven.” He chuckled. “He fought me on it, too, because he thought that Ejaz would keep crying if he left.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But they’ve been okay?” Jim checked, leaning down and scrunching his nose playfully when Maajid grabbed at his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid and I’ve been playing trains this afternoon.” He grinned. “I’ve been teaching him how to push the trains around the tracks, he loved it. Ejaz has mostly been asleep, but I assumed that was to be expected with a newborn premature baby- we did have a cuddle when Maajid was down for his nap.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, thank you so, so much.” Jim repeated, breathing a sigh of relief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s really no problem, darling. They’re my grandkids, and I haven’t had the pleasure of looking after babies for a very long time.” He grinned. “Ejaz took four bottles, but probably only an ounce or two in each. Maajid had two, and he took a full one at lunchtime, but the second one he only took a few mouthfuls of before his nap. Freddie says he likes them for comfort.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie usually makes him up a little bedtime one, yeah, it’s part of the routine he’s built for them.” Jim patted Maajid on the back as the little boy lay his cheek to his collarbone, his eyes closing. “In fact, I might make him one now. He looks like he’s about ready to go down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bedroom door closed loudly, the sound resounding throughout the lounge; Freddie appeared a moment later, yawning into the sleeve of one of Jim’s old university sweaters that he’d hidden himself in. Jim wanted to smile at the sight, but he couldn’t help but frown a little; he looked tiny, beaten down, and exhausted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Freddie murmured, his voice hoarse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim’s home, moosh.” Bomi smiled when Freddie looked up at his lover and smiled up at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing, sweetheart?” Jim asked, gently setting Maajid down on the sofa before he took Freddie into his arms and kissed his forehead; he was scalding hot to touch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel like shit.” He admitted, though his body seemed to relax in Jim’s arms. “Just want this to go away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, honey.” Jim murmured sympathetically. “Listen, I spoke to your doctor at the clinic, and I think we’re going to change your antibiotic, okay? Just to give you something that’s a touch stronger, just in case this is nastier than we think it is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Freddie agreed, rubbing his eyes. “I know you- I know you said that I should eat, but I- I didn’t really feel like it. But I remembered to take my tablets this morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Jim rubbed his back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t I cook you both some dinner?” Bomi suggested. “I’ll make something nice and light, darling, don’t worry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you?” Freddie asked, voice more hopeful than it had sounded in days; he turned to Jim with a little smile on his face. “Pa’s a brilliant cook.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That would be wonderful.” Jim agreed. “As long as it’s okay with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’d be my pleasure.” He smiled. “Why don’t you both get the children settled, and then you can eat later.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the first time that day, Freddie lay peacefully, scorching cheek against Jim’s chest, though he shivered in his arms; he smiled when Jim ran his fingers back and forth through his hair. “Sorry for being such a pain.” He whispered into the night that swallowed them both. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you being a pain?” Jim asked with a yawn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’m not very fun when I’m sick.” He murmured. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And? I’m not very fun when I’ve finished a Saturday night shift, and I chose to do that.” Jim chuckled, kissing his forehead and pulling Freddie closer. “Remember, baby, I don’t expect you to look after me, and I don’t expect you to entertain me. All I want is to be with you, darling, whether that’s an up or a down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Freddie whispered. “This is- this is the first time I’ve ever been allowed to be sick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey.” Jim murmured lovingly. “It’s literally my job to make you feel better, my love. All I want is for you to feel better, however long that takes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” Freddie faltered. “I don’t think I can look after the kids on my own right now. I’m just so tired.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then I’ll take tomorrow off.” Jim said simply. “If you’re not well enough to look after the children, then I will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Surely you can’t-” Freddie started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you joking? I haven’t had a sick day in three years.” Jim chuckled. “And it’s the best kind of sick day, because I’m not even sick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be sick soon.” Freddie murmured, his voice tainted with fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, darling, I won’t. I get the pneumonia jab through work, because loads of people in A&amp;E come in because they’ve got it.” He smiled. “I’m absolutely fine to look after you, so stop worrying about me, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will I need to go to the hospital?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I won’t say no, honey, because I don’t want to lie to you.” He said honestly. “My job is to try and make you better so that you don’t need to go to the hospital, but I will take you if I feel like you’re not getting better at home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like that you know what to look for.” Freddie admitted. “You- you feel a lot more- I don’t know- responsible?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just because I’m trained.” Jim smiled, shuffling down the bed so that he could be nose to nose with Freddie. “You’re going to be okay, Freddie, whether it’s at home or in the hospital- I’ve got you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never been able to depend on anyone before.” He whispered. “I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But your dad came when you needed someone to care for your children, and you’ve got me to care for you.” He promised, capturing his lips in a brief kiss. “You’re not on your own anymore, my darling- you’ve got a family now.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Oatmeal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's cared for.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Even when he lay there, curled around his pillow, curls sweeping their way over the high points of his cheekbones and down into the hollows they created, Jim thought he was the most beautiful man alive. Even when his throat grew hoarse; even when he woke Jim at three in the morning by grabbing mindlessly at whatever lay beside him to brace himself as he coughed; even when he lay back down, cheeks flushed with exertion and eyes hooded and exhausted, Jim thought he was beautiful. There was the whole apartment to walk back and forth throughout, and yet he felt as though he was tethered to the spot, the side of his bed, Freddie’s cheek pressed to the cheap cotton pajama bottoms that he wore; it was as though his fingers had a desire all of their own to continuously run their way through his hair, possessing the same excitement as children running through strawberry fields on the first day of summer. He felt a little wrong for enjoying the dependence of his boyfriend as much as he did; the whole time they had been in love, Freddie had been fiercely independent, barely even allowing Jim to shop for groceries on his behalf. He’d never liked to ask Jim for anything: he’d never so much as ask for a mug of tea unless he was offered it, even if Jim had set the kettle to boil. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To know that Freddie trusted him enough to allow him to look after him felt like all he’d ever wanted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” Jim murmured when Freddie’s eyelashes fluttered; he often got to watch him as he slowly, reluctantly, awoke in the morning. It was often three or four o’clock when Jim would drag himself out of bed, rubbing his eyes over and over and creeping around the bedroom in an attempt to leave his lover undisturbed. Every morning, however, without fail, Ejaz would begin to cry once he heard Jim’s gentle footsteps pass him by to reach the wardrobe; and no matter how quickly Jim swept him into his arms, Freddie would awake. Once he’d cracked his eyes open long enough to see that Jim had the baby, he would allow himself the luxury of a moment or two longer to wake up, his eyelashes gently fluttering against his cheeks until he slowly pushed himself upright; Jim would watch the deep breaths raise his chest while he cradled his baby son in his arms, lips pressed to the top of his head just to hide the smile that flooded his face when Freddie looked up at him, the moon still clutching to the sleepiness that dripped from his eyelashes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Morning.” Freddie whispered, his voice hoarse and sore, as he rubbed his eyes gently; he blinked a few times before he finally looked up at Jim. “Can’t believe you’re awake.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim allowed his fingers to trail down from his hair, gently fluttering their way over his cheekbones, down to stroke their way along his jaw. “My body clock is one hell of a machine.” Jim chuckled, the melody of love clinging to the sleeplessness in his voice. “I was up at four. It’s like I can’t function if I don’t sleep at nine and wake at four.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Psycho.” Freddie couldn’t help but smile, and Jim was pleased at the roses that blossomed on his cheeks when he did; he looked happier, warmer, calmer. “How’s my babies?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I managed to get Maajid back to sleep when he woke up at five.” Jim grinned, clearly proud of himself; just how much he cared for their children, and just how much he loved to be a father, would always warm Freddie’s heart through. “Gave him a bottle in the dark and rocked him back to sleep. I think he was a bit freaked out that it was me, though- he kept babbling your name.” He chuckled. “Babbling for Dada.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie yawned and then smiled, closing his eyes again as he rested his head on Jim’s thigh. His fingers were so gentle, his touch so reassuring, that it felt for a moment as though the darkness and the peace around them was all that would ever exist in the world. “Ejaz?” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bottle at four and a bottle at six-thirty, like clockwork.” The smile on Jim’s face was indelible as he looked over at the bassinet, and the baby fast asleep within it. “He stayed awake for about fifteen minutes afterwards, but I did coax him back to sleep.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Freddie yawned once more before he finally sat up, letting himself be easily moved into Jim’s arms; he smiled a little when his lips brushed the curve of his ear in a gentle kiss, his body melting into the place that it felt as though it had always belonged. “Sorry, I know they’re a handful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop saying sorry to me.” Jim whispered in his ear, kissing the top of his head. “They weren’t a handful at all. They’re my children, darling, what kind of dad would I be if I left all the work to you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You deserve a lie-in.” Freddie murmured, though his protests were mumbled, half-hearted, and Jim was sure that he was simply trying to say the right thing, trying to predict what it was that he would want to hear. “You don’t usually do mornings.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take a cup of coffee and a baby over an emergency room handover at five any day of the week.” Jim squeezed him a little, unable to help himself, his body overcome with the love that he felt for this Freddie, the one sleepy and vulnerable in his arms, soft and gentle and open. Freddie laughed a little, ticklish, though the sudden movement made him cough all the same. “Love you.” Jim told the curls atop his head, the ones that tickled his nose when he kissed them, the ones that were lazy and tangled and in desperate need of a wash now that his fever had begun to subside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Freddie told Jim’s chest, the same one that had cradled his head throughout the night, more comfortable and more reliable than any pillow of duck down or goose feather, warm and safe with its steady heartbeat. He wound his arm around Jim’s waist just to sit a little closer, just to cushion his head on his collarbone, just to allow his eyes to fall closed again once he knew that his world wasn’t crumbling down around him as soon as his eyes fell shut. “I need to take a shower, don’t I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you want to, honey.” Jim murmured. “Shall I draw us a bath?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s smile was painted with disbelief when he raised his head to look him in the eye; he yawned and then laughed a little, the roses on his cheeks turning crimson with their child-like blush, sweet and innocent and beautiful. “You want to take a bath with me? Like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Jim laughed affectionately, capturing his lips in their first proper kiss of the morning. He always loved the first kiss, the gentle press of Freddie’s lips against his own, soft and chaste and yet containing so much love that Jim thought he could cry; he loved it even when it tasted of sour milk and black coffee, simply because of the spark of love that jolted his body awake. “Why wouldn’t I want to take a bath with you?” He asked, resting his forehead against Freddie’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes darted away from his own and he chewed nervously on his lower lip. “I’m not- well, I’m not very pretty, am I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In moments like these, Jim could still feel how much of Freddie’s identity was tied to the idea of being desirable, being beautiful, selling himself well; he could feel his anxiety of not looking perfect enough or polished enough to satisfy a paying customer. “Baby-” Jim gently tilted his head up with the pad of his finger under his chin. “I think you’re beautiful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused, all the words he wanted to say caught on the end of his tongue with something that felt almost like shock. “I-” He stammered, looking away again to try and hide his cheeks, embarrassed by his shyness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you so much.” Jim said earnestly. “Fuck, you could dye your hair green and I’d still think you were the most gorgeous man alive.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed, rubbing his face a little, and then looked back up at Jim. “Really?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So much of his identity of himself was based in being </span>
  <em>
    <span>not enough </span>
  </em>
  <span>and yet </span>
  <em>
    <span>too much; </span>
  </em>
  <span>he either didn’t have enough of something, beauty, charisma, talent, or too much of something, empathy, shyness, closeness. So much of his identity was based in the awful things he’d been called over the years, little nicknames based off what he perceived to be his flaws or else insults that had been hurled at him by unhappy customers or Luca himself every time he’d been sixteen and forced into positions he’d never even heard of before. So much of his identity was based on the idea of pleasing others, being enough for others, having a perfect mask that never slipped so long as he was in his room or out on the track, no matter how frightened he was, how hurt he was, how desperately sad he was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie didn’t associate many nice words with himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim had noticed just how desperately he clung to the nice things that he said about him; without his previous life, without the community that he’d known his place in, without having someone to control every aspect of his mind, his body, his money, his sexuality, he often felt unmoored, uncontrolled, and frightened. He’d admitted a time or two that he had no idea who he was when he wasn’t something physical, when he wasn’t his body or his art or his music; he had no idea what the components were that made up </span>
  <em>
    <span>Freddie Bulsara.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That morning, when he’d been changing Ejaz, he’d noticed a little sketchbook thrown on Freddie’s bedside table. When he’d picked it up, it was a string of words, all written down in a scrawling hand with different dates written beside them-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>24/4 pretty</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>25/4 he liked my painting</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>27/4 he bought me roses - seven</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And when he’d turned the page, there were a few dried rose petals carefully preserved amongst all those words, all the good qualities that Jim had gifted him, the words the foundation of the new person that Freddie was trying to become.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re beautiful.” Jim repeated again, his voice less playful, a little more serious, knowing that at a moment when his back was turned, the sketchbook would open and those words would hastily be noted down, another fragment of his identity to piece together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Freddie whispered, hugging him tight suddenly, as though he couldn’t bear the idea of Jim even leaving their bed, leaving him alone again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, sweetheart.” Jim held him so close; Freddie felt so young in his arms sometimes, though he was twenty-five years old. He often felt as though he was holding the sixteen-year-old Freddie, the one that had never felt proper love, the one that was scared and alone and looking for someone to set him back on the right path, a path where he was treasured, a path where he was adored again. “Why don’t I run us that bath, hey?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie pulled back and rubbed his eye, and Jim could see Maajid doing the exact same thing when the first rays of the morning sunshine lay their way across his face. “Yeah.” Freddie smiled at him, his whole smile, bright, earnest, happy, open and warm; he didn’t try and cover his face, just allowing himself to be vulnerable in the warmth and safety of the silk covers of their bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s this?” Freddie asked, reaching for the bowl in Jim’s hands and smiling when he handed it over with a kiss on his forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oatmeal.” Jim chuckled, sitting opposite him with his own bowl as Freddie looked into his bowl; damp strands of his hair hung in his face and his smile grew child-like and curious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” He asked earnestly, taking a slice of a strawberry from the top and popping it in his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you never had oatmeal?” Jim asked, arching an eyebrow, and Freddie laughed a little at the expression on his face as he shook his head. He thought idly that he’d never seen somebody look so happy despite being so sick. “It’s- well, it’s oats and milk, really, but I crumbled in a couple of biscuits and a handful of chocolate chips to make it taste nice.” He chuckled. “And the strawberries, obviously.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie dug his spoon in eagerly, and Jim watched with a grin as he took the biggest mouthful of any food he’d ever seen him eat; his eyes brightened, their diamonds sparkling. “It’s like a hot cookie!” He said excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought it was like- a healthier way of making you eat your complex carbs, instead of just sugar.” Jim grinned, spooning the strawberries into his mouth. “I made a little bit for Maajid, too, but he’s still asleep right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, he’ll love it.” Freddie agreed, shovelling another mouthful in. “Holy shit, this is fucking delicious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s smile was proud as he watched his lover, his heart warm in his chest; every time he had cared for people, every life he’d saved, had never made him feel so happy before. “I’m really happy you’ve let me look after you.” He admitted shyly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why wouldn’t I?” He asked curiously, glancing over at Ejaz when he heard the rustling of fabric coming from his bassinet. “Oh, good morning, honey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim watched how easily he lifted the baby and rested him over his shoulder, balancing his bowl on his thigh as he continued to eat. “Just- you never really liked to let me do things for you before.” He smiled, a little hesitant, and ducked his head down. “I don’t know. I just- it’s nice to see you smiling and know that I helped.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got a lot to be thankful to you for.” He said earnestly, idly patting Ejaz on the back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d do it all again.” He said immediately. “Actually, darling, speaking of which-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie arched an eyebrow curiously. “Hm?” He asked when Jim paused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking about what you said about having another baby.” He said honestly. “But because- I feel like you’ve got such big aspirations now, darling, what with art school and music. I think we ought to wait a while.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded along with him. “I must admit, darling, I’d love another baby with you, but the idea of trying to get a degree while carrying another kid- that feels practically impossible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, good.” He agreed. “I was- God, I was really worried that you were going to get upset.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled as he lay back against the headboard with Ejaz on his chest, his empty bowl discarded on his nightstand. “Why would I get upset?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just- you sounded like you really had your heart set on another baby quite quickly.” Jim admitted. “But I- I don’t think we’re ready, not yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had my heart set on another baby when I wasn’t actually having to care for both of my children at the same time.” He laughed tiredly, pausing when he started to cough again. “When I- when Maajid was sleeping through the night and I wasn’t fucking knackered all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really need to let me give Ejaz some of his bottles through the night, darling.” Jim moved to sit beside him and pulled Freddie against his chest. “Let me help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got work.” Freddie murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want the good news?” He asked, excited, taking one of Freddie’s hands and squeezing it lightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at him and grinned. “What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got three months of paternity.” Jim whispered in his ear. “They accepted my request.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes widened. “You’re joking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not joking!” He wound his arms around Freddie’s waist and kissed the crook between his shoulder and his neck. “Starting Monday, I’ve got three months off. I’m taking it as a career break- I’m thirty-three, for fuck’s sake, everyone else I know has had kids by now and they’ve all had the liberty to take off whatever the fuck they want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re so old.” Freddie laughed, closing his eyes contentedly. “You know- I really, really appreciate you doing that for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s for all of us. I want to be here when Maajid says his first proper word and does his first steps- I want to be here to help you bathe Ejaz at three o’clock in the morning like you had to the other day. I’ve never had a proper family before.” He bit his lip. “Jamie and I, we loved each other, but we were a couple, not a family. And you- I feel like you’ve given me this massive gift, darling, and I don’t want to squander it in the corridors of the emergency department when I could be with all of you instead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie paused as a blush rose on his cheeks. “You make me feel so special.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are so special, honey. You make me happy in a way that no one else ever has before.” Jim finally caught his lips in a kiss, feeling the smile that Freddie wore pressed onto his face with the same power as the indelible markers that he used to draw on the walls. “And I love you very, very much.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Diamonds and Candy Kisses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There aren't sparks, simply the warmth of the afternoon sunshine.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have written exactly nothing I planned in this chapter and I love it so here you go</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was the first day of the last four that he had been out of bed, venturing as far as the balcony to pull in a few breaths of fresh air with half his wardrobe and his duvet around his shoulders. They’d been sharing a pot of tea as Maajid had played with a new stuffed toy at their feet, squealing in delight as he’d thrown the crinkly crocodile from one end of the balcony to another and crawled after it maniacally; Jim had kissed Freddie lazily as they watched, the early summer sunshine soaking through them and releasing them from the drudgery of staying indoors for far too long.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My mother really hit the nail on the head with that one.” Freddie chuckled, resting his head lightly against Jim’s shoulder; he yawned before he clasped his teacup again and hugged it to his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe he’s still got so much energy. I thought I would’ve worn him out by taking him around Tesco.” Jim laughed. “You know, the cashier complimented me on just how fucking cute he is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He really is. We’re out of the dream phase, though.” He laughed at the quirk of Jim’s eyebrow. “You know, the phase where they’re awake, you can play with them and they’re all curious and cute, but they can’t talk and they can’t move independently. I feel like I spend half my life chasing him around these days while he tries to eat my charcoal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He tried to pull my coffee down on himself yesterday.” He shook his head. “Jesus, I nearly shit myself. I managed to pull him out the way so it just went on the floor, but he could’ve gotten really hurt. It’ll teach me to turn my back on him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard when you’re looking after them both at the same time, though.” Freddie yawned and rubbed his eye. Maajid crept across the floor towards them, his little fingers tugging at the leg of Jim’s pajama trousers as hard as he could. “I think he’s trying to say excuse me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and leaned down to pick up Maajid, sitting him on his knee. “What is it, squish? What do you want?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid reached for the packet of sweets that they’d been sharing in the middle of the table and Freddie pulled them away, shaking his head playfully. “Babies don’t eat sugar.” He told his son, leaning in and kissing his forehead. “Master your banana, and then we’ll talk.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid turned his attention to Jim instead, reaching up and gripping onto the curl that had fallen into his face. “Are you trying to tell me I need a haircut?” Jim asked, mock offended; when the baby giggled at his silly behaviour, he couldn’t help but kiss him. “Maybe you’re right, squish. What do you think, Daddy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim had taken to calling him </span>
  <em>
    <span>daddy </span>
  </em>
  <span>whenever they were with the children, helping Maajid to associate the word with Freddie, and yet every time he did it, Freddie would blush. “Personally, I think you’re rocking your curls.” Freddie ran his fingers through his own hair. “I definitely need a haircut, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do it tonight, if you want?” Jim offered, bouncing Maajid on his knee as he giggled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’d be lovely.” Freddie smiled back at him. “Not too much, though, I like being able to tie it back when I’m painting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” Jim agreed, lifting up Maajid when he started to reach for Freddie. “Quick, special delivery.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed and took Maajid, cuddling his son to his chest as though he was a teddy bear; the baby wriggled lower, as though trying to listen to his stomach, and Freddie only laughed louder. “You’re not used to Daddy’s tummy being empty, are you?” He teased, pushing back Maajid’s own unruly curls. “God, you need a haircut more than both of us. I tell you what, Ejaz is definitely going to be a curly baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled as he watched them. “I think he’ll look more like you the older he gets.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bullshit!” Freddie shook his head, laughing. “That kid is the spitting image of you, have you seen his eyes? He’s got green in them, just like you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim arched an eyebrow. “My eyes aren’t green.” He grinned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s cheeks darkened but he tossed his hair back resolutely. “You kind of do.” He said, though his voice was softer and more shy than he would’ve liked. “They’re definitely brown, but you have these- these flecks in the centre, and they’re green. I don’t have that, mine are a darker brown than yours- you’re almost hazel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned, flattered. “You know, I don’t think anyone’s ever paid that much attention to my eyes before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” Freddie stood suddenly, hoisting Maajid onto his hip, and walked back into the kitchen to retrieve one of his little sketchbooks from the shelf. His books proliferated on every surface and counter, every shelf, every bookcase in their apartment, but his most beloved ones he kept in the kitchen. “I drew them.” He explained, coming back out onto the balcony. He sat Maajid on the table and flicked through a few pages as the baby played with the string on his trousers. “Here, look.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim took the book from him and smiled immediately. “That’s gorgeous, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just thought that your eyes- they’re some of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen.” He whispered, soft and shy. “Like- I’m talking objectively, it’s not just because I love you. But as an artist- there are people that would kill to have you model, darling, and it’s not just because you’re handsome, but you- you’ve got really fucking beautiful features, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think that’s the loveliest compliment anybody has ever given me.” Jim said earnestly, standing up and winding his arms around Freddie’s waist; his lover blushed as he met his lips in the softest, most tender kiss. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not even trying to compliment you.” He whispered shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re not.” Jim chuckled and kissed him again. “And that- it almost makes it nicer. You’re not one of those people that says things for the sake of saying things. You just say them because you’re a lovely person, and you think about those things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled shyly and stood on his toes to kiss him again, winding his arms around Jim’s neck. “I love you so fucking much.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Jim squeezed him tight and Freddie laughed, though it made him cough a little. “I wish we could live forever in this moment.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything feels so good.” Freddie agreed, resting his cheek on Jim’s chest. “There’s- I feel so peaceful. Don’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I realised how much I needed a break.” Jim admitted. “The thing with emergency is that you have to be able to- to numb yourself, I suppose, so you don’t think too much about stuff and you don’t get hurt because of it. But it can be hard to turn off that numbness sometimes.” He explained, resting his chin on top of Freddie’s head and closing his eyes. “And I- I know I’ve only been off of work for three days, but not- not having to switch that part of my brain off, you know, not having to worry about feeling things too much- that’s definitely doing good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was quiet for a few moments, clutching tighter to Jim, until he let out a sudden sniff; Jim pulled back a little and frowned when he saw Freddie cover his mouth. “What’s wrong, darling?” He asked gently, hugging him close again when Freddie let out a sob. “Oh, sweetheart, what’s the matter?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-” Freddie hiccuped on a sob. “I never thought- I never thought I could feel like this.” He wiped his eyes and then held on harder to Jim. “That I could- I could have this, be this, be- be happy- I thought I didn’t deserve it-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, lovely.” Jim kissed the top of his head, loving the way his curls tickled his nose when he did. “You do deserve it, honey. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never thought I’d be able to keep you happy.” He admitted, rubbing his eyes. “I thought- I thought I’d just be a bit of fun, you know, and then you’d go- and then I’d be on my own again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim looked at the table beside them and started to smile. “Do you want to see just how happy you make me?” He asked, pulling back to look him in the eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to smile at the sight of his smile and he nodded, biting his lip shyly. “What do you mean?” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim reached into the bag of sweets beside them and pulled out a ring - a green one, Freddie’s favourite flavour, he grinned to himself - and carefully got down on one knee in front of him. “Freddie Bulsara-” He started, watching an expression of both disbelief and incredulous humour cross Freddie’s face. “Will you marry me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to laugh, wiping his eyes again. “Are you being silly?” He asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean-” Jim glanced at the ring between his fingers and shrugged, making Freddie laugh harder. “I definitely am- but the question stays the same.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want to marry me?” Freddie asked softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, baby. I want to marry you.” Jim grinned at him. “Be mine?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you so much-” The strength of Freddie’s hug knocked Jim onto the floor and he laughed, winded, as he wound his arms back around Freddie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that a yes?” He teased.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Freddie laughed, kissing him fiercely. “I- I can’t believe you’re really-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up and eat your engagement ring.” Jim joked, placing it on Freddie’s tongue when he stuck it out defiantly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grinned as he swallowed it, tasting of apple when Jim kissed him again. “Can we get matching engagement rings?” He asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s unconventional.” Jim grinned as he pulled Freddie down into another kiss as they lay together. “Of course we can, sweetheart. Why don’t I take you to Hatton Garden when you’re feeling better?” He asked, tucking a strand of hair back from his face. “We can choose something that’s perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That would be perfect.” He whispered. “It’s perfect- all of this is perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, being proposed to with a Haribo ring instead of a diamond?” Jim joked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t care if I had a Haribo ring instead of a wedding ring, Jim.” Freddie murmured earnestly. “Just- just that you want us to be proper- be official.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve got a baby, sweetheart, I’d say we’ve been official for a long while.” He chuckled. “You know, my Ma’s going to kill me when I tell her I’ve had a baby and gotten engaged before she meets you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does she not know about Ejaz and me?” Freddie asked incredulously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, she knows. She can’t wait to meet you.” Jim grinned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can always go and see her next week.” Freddie promised. “I’d like to meet her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The only probably with that-” Jim kissed his forehead. “Is that she lives in Ireland, sweetheart. She’s coming down for my brother’s birthday next month, though, so I’ll see her then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t even know you had a brother.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but my brother knows you.” He chuckled. “He works in maternity and paternity surgery. He specialises in caesarians.” He tapped the bottom of Freddie’s stomach. “Sound familiar?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie sat up. “Did your brother save Ejaz?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and cushioned his head on his hands. “Yes, darling, my brother delivered Ejaz.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit!” Freddie laughed, picking up Maajid when he started to wriggle and sitting him on his knee. “Can we buy him like- a yacht for his birthday?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim snorted. “I promise you, he’s ten times richer than I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care!” Freddie grinned. “Fuck, that’s amazing!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s one of the reasons I didn’t freak out. I know he’s fucking good at his job.” Jim chuckled. “But it is kind of rude that my brother got to hold my baby before I did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed and shook his head. “I’d like to meet him.” He said, a little more serious. “Buy him a bottle of something nice. I’d like to say thank you properly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I’ll take you to his birthday celebration- then you can meet the rest of my family too.” He smiled. “As long as that’s okay with you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.” Freddie agreed, bouncing his son idly. “Maajid might be walking by then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t doubt it. He can crawl at a rate of knots.” Jim chuckled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maajid looked up at Freddie, blinking his big blue eyes, and then started to giggle. “Dada.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed, incredulous, and looked quickly at Jim. “Did you hear that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dada!” Maajid said louder, trying his best to stand with Freddie’s hands on his little waist. “Dada!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think this is the best day of my life.” Freddie laughed, leaning and kissing Maajid’s forehead. “You got it, baby!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dada!” He giggled, grabbing Freddie’s nose and trying to scrunch his own in the way that Freddie always would.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m your dada.” Freddie murmured, as though he was testing the words on his tongue for the first time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sat up and leaned down to kiss Maajid’s forehead, feeling the love that radiated from Freddie in waves. “You’re a clever little boy, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did I somehow manage to make the cleverest baby to ever exist?” Freddie laughed. “On my own?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, all your brains had to go somewhere.” Jim winked at him. “You’re a good father, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At this rate, Ejaz is going to be an astrophysicist by the time he’s six months old.” Freddie laughed, hugging his baby close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dada.” Maajid said again, playing with the hem of his t-shirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at Jim as he kissed Maajid’s head. “What are the kids going to call you?” He asked suddenly. “We can’t both be daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim blushed, and Freddie was endeared by his sudden shyness. “You’ve called me Pop a few times.” He said softly. “And I- I always really loved that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pop.” Freddie smiled. “Maajid’s nearly there with that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He did say something like it the other night.” Jim grinned. “It wasn’t a proper word, but he- he’s getting closer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked at the sight of his lover, his silhouette cast dark against the backdrop of the sun just beginning to set behind them; his profile was splashed red, gold, and the brightest pink as he turned to face it for a moment, soaking in the sunshine and the warmth. He felt a momentary disbelief that he was sat on his own balcony, with his own baby and his own fiancé, soon to have a beautiful diamond that would bring them that inch closer forevermore; when Jim smiled at him in that way, he found it almost impossible to believe that the sunshine-lazy smile that could’ve split his face in two was really caused by him, caused by the happiness that he gave him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then, he supposed, his heart had never been happier; Jim could be just as happy as he was too.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's pushed too far.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is not a happy chapter i'm sorry tw on mentions of suicide, violence, panic attacks, a lot of tears, sexual assault/rape</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He’d been okay when he’d kissed Jim on the sofa, when they’d fallen into their perfect rhythm, his hands pulling Freddie closer, into his lap to hold him and treasure him; he’d been okay when he’d wound his arms around Jim’s neck and kissed him more deeply, enjoying the way that his lover’s hands had stroked over his sides, over the bare skin beneath his t-shirt. He’d even been okay when Jim had broken the kiss to ask if it was okay to take it off, allowing Freddie a moment to say no, though he agreed readily; he hadn’t felt self-conscious when Jim had drunk in the sight of his bare chest-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But as soon as his back had hit the bed, he’d panicked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because he was a whore, and Jim knew he was; no matter how tired he’d been, how ill he’d felt, he’d never turned Jim down. He’d always allowed Jim whatever he wanted, giving his body over so easily to his lover; even if it was uncomfortable, even if it made him feel sick, he could usually convince himself into enjoying whatever it was that he wanted to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last time his legs had been grabbed like that was by Luca, the last time his trousers had been undone by another man was Luca; the last time he’d allowed someone to put their hands near him, it had ended in blood, it had ended in the hospital, it had ended in his baby being torn out of him long before his time-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His gasp was panicked, horrified, and Jim looked up immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie?” He asked, crawling over him and cupping his cheek quickly. “Hey, hey, look at me-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clasped his hands over his mouth, his eyes frightened and brimming with tears. “I’m sorry-” He gasped, heaving breaths in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey, it’s okay.” Jim pulled him up and hugged him close, pulling Freddie against his chest. “It’s okay, my love, I’ve got you, you’re okay, you’re safe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie began to cry, loud and messy, choking on his own breaths; Jim sat back a little and pulled Freddie even closer, resting his forehead against his bare shoulder. “I can’t breathe-” Freddie gasped, starting to cough. “I can’t breathe- I can’t-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Deep breaths, darling.” Jim whispered, kissing his forehead. “You’re okay, I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He buried his face in his hands as he cried, panting for breath between sobs; it felt as though Freddie would shake apart in his arms from how hard his body trembled. “Match my breaths, baby, you need to take nice, deep breaths.” He whispered, rubbing his hand up and down Freddie’s bare back; he felt like kicking himself for being so thoughtless. “I pushed you too hard, sweetheart, it’s okay, I shouldn’t have assumed you’d be okay. You’re allowed to be scared.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie took a few deeper, shaky breaths, clutching onto him. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, rubbing his eyes roughly. “I- I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to justify yourself. That was my mistake, honey, and I’m sorry.” Jim said honestly, rocking them back and forth. Freddie calmed a little in his arms as he took a few more deep breaths, rubbing his eyes red; he lay heavily against Jim’s chest and let him lie back against the headboard to support himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Freddie whispered after a few minutes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be.” Jim kissed his forehead. “You’re safe, my darling. I’m not going to make you do anything that you’re not ready to do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought I could.” He whispered, his voice so pained. “What’s- what’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hatred in Freddie’s voice made tears gather in the back of Jim’s throat; he’d never intended to make him feel so awful simply by loving him. “There’s nothing wrong with you, honey.” Jim whispered, and Freddie glanced up with anguish when he heard how thick his voice was. “You- you went through something traumatic, and I- I didn’t think, baby, I’m so sorry, I just assumed- I shouldn’t have just assumed that you’d be okay now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was- it was like when you touched me, you became him in my head.” Freddie whispered. “And I- I don’t know, there aren’t words, it’s not- it’s not fucking logical, Jim, it’s stupid-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not stupid.” Jim caught his wrists before he could pull at his hair and gently lowered them down into his lap again. “It was really traumatic for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was just so scared.” Freddie whispered, looking up at him with tears welling in his eyes. “And I shouted for you because you- you were the only other person I had in the world, even though you hated me, and I-I didn’t think you’d come.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby.” Jim kissed his forehead so gently and then took a deep breath. “I knew you were working again.” He admitted, clasping their hands together. “And I was- I was really fucking angry, Freddie, because I thought that I- I didn’t mean anything to you. Because in my head, it was like you were doing to all these men what you’d done to me, coaxing them into your house and sleeping with them- I thought you’d never really loved me.” He shook his head. “And I was- I was being a bigoted asshole, Freddie. I was assuming that you wanted to be with them, I didn’t think- I didn’t think about the fact that he was pressuring you. I convinced myself that you were in love with him the whole time we were together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t like that.” Freddie whispered, voice pained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, sweetheart, I know.” Jim whispered. “It’s just what my brain did to try and make everything not my fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I loved you so much.” Freddie whispered. “And when you left- you left because I was ill, and it made me- I felt disgusting, I felt- I felt so fucking worthless.” He hiccuped on his sob. “Like it should just kill me. And you- you were keeping me afloat, you were the only reason I had food in my cupboards and enough nappies for the baby, and without you- I crumbled, Jim, I just- I just cried, and Maajid screamed himself hoarse because he was so hungry and I had nothing to give him and I- I couldn’t even get him to try and take water to fill his stomach, he just threw it up, and I- I didn’t know where to go, Jim, I just needed money, I needed it so desperately because otherwise- otherwise my baby was going to starve, and I knew Luca would give me money if I worked hard enough-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He broke down crying again and Jim hugged him fiercely, a few tears of his own leaking from under closed eyelids. “He paid me in formula.” Freddie whispered, covering his face with shame. “And I- I was so hungry I drank it too, it was all I had, and he- he took all the money because I had to pay my exit fee-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God.” Jim whispered, more to himself than anyone else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The night he came around-” He hung his head in shame. “I was going to- I was going to beg him, Jim, just for the money I needed, I was- I was going to sign myself away to him if I could- could just have some money, I was going to promise to never leave, but he- he had a complaint that day-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged hard; Jim gently unthreaded them and took them again, holding one of Freddie’s fists to his lips. “He said he’d teach me a lesson.” He swallowed, though he was a little calmer. “And he pushed me on the bed, on my- on my stomach, on Ejaz, and he said- he said I didn’t deserve the baby anyway, I couldn’t look after the one I had, and it- it just hurt so bad, like I was- I was feeling the baby die, and I gave up trying to be good and I screamed and he- he forced himself on me, you know, he had a knife to my neck and I thought- I knew he was going to kill me and I- you were the only person I had, the only person that I thought might- might give a fuck, might want to save me, because he’s your baby, and I thought you wouldn’t want me to die until you had Ejaz.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Which was why you told me to save the baby instead of you.” Jim whispered, voice hoarse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t care.” He whispered. “I didn’t- I was so tired, you- you could’ve cut me open with a fucking kitchen knife to save him and I wouldn’t have cared. It felt like- like when I died, I’d be able to sleep, you know, I could rest, everything would stop hurting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Jim whispered. “I- it’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was going to give you Ejaz.” He told him, as though he couldn’t stop the words from coming now that he’d started. “I thought- I could leave him on your doorstep, you could look after him better than I could- and I thought I’d give Maajid up to be adopted, and then I could- I could disappear.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim looked up quickly. “You weren’t-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Chelsea Bridge.” Freddie whispered. “I thought I’d- I’d take my chances.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Jim whispered again, covering his mouth as he started to cry. “I shouldn’t have left you, I- it’s not your fault, nothing was your fault, I-” He sobbed. “I never meant-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears crept down Freddie’s cheeks as he crawled back into his lap, holding onto him so tight; Jim buried his face in Freddie’s neck as he sobbed, shoulders heaving, and yet hugging him as close as he could until he was sure that he’d never go away again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took them a long time to calm down, clutching to one another through their tears; it was as though a tension, a division between them made of words unspoken, had snapped. Guilt was exhumed from their bodies, resentment disappeared amongst tears, and they held onto each other tight enough to bruise their skin, as though they would be inseparable forevermore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s bare skin had turned icy in the night, though Jim felt as though his own was still burning hot; regardless, he gripped the covers of their bed and pulled them over Freddie, wary of him getting sick again when he was only so recently feeling better. Freddie shivered in his arms, suddenly feeling the freezing air that surrounded them, and let himself lay down heavily on Jim’s chest; Jim ran his fingers through his hair, gentle and so loving, letting him find stillness and calmness in his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Jim whispered, shattering the silence around them as he continued to pet Freddie’s hair. “I love you so much, and I- I’m never going to make the same mistake again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded wearily, too tired to even lift his head from its resting place against Jim’s shoulder. “I love you too.” He murmured, words slurred with exhaustion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ever since he’d met him, Freddie had had a comfort blanket; his whole life he’d clutched to a little square of knitting, downy-soft, that his mother had shrouded him in when he was a baby. It was tattered and dirty, though Jim suspected it wouldn’t survive the washing machine, and Freddie would never sleep without it. Jim felt blindly for it on Freddie’s side of the bed, finding it eventually tucked under Freddie’s pillow; he picked up and gently handed it to him. “Do you want this?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s cheeks reddened with gratitude, with disbelief that someone had taken the time to learn all of his intricacies; he carefully took it from his hand and rested it against Jim’s chest, close enough that he could smooth his cheek over it for comfort. He’d been doing it ever since he was a baby, and there was a solace that the blanket had given him on days where he’d felt so alone: it had been with him when he’d slept on cardboard on concrete floors, and it had been snatched from him when he’d desperately closed his eyes for a moment’s sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d endured mockery for having something a child would use; he’d been in physical fights when it had been taken away from him, hitting and biting and kicking until he got it back with some murmur of his craziness. He’d sewn it back together when it had been torn in two to torment him, even saved it from a fire when somebody had stolen it from him just to watch him cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And now, instead, to have someone look for it just to give it to him, just to help him sleep better that night: that’s when Freddie knew Jim meant his words.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Angelic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Support.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He wore one of Jim’s old work shirts, a well-worn one, white cotton with a soft collar, sitting large and protective over his chest; a new pair of grey trousers sat comfortably on his hips, hiding all the tucks he’d made to make the shirt fit him properly. He lay on his stomach amongst the grass, the sunshine gilding him as he lay on top of the roof: his sketchbook was nestled in amongst the daisies, his palette amongst buttercups, his paints among the clovers. His cheeks were reddened from the sun as his hands grew red from his paints, the colours blossoming over skin that was beginning to look a little less fragile, a little healthier, a little stronger, nurtured with love from the meals that he’d sat with Jim for hours, learning to cook. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blew his hair from his face as he swirled his paintbrush in his water and then dried it on a handkerchief, smudged all the colours of his palette; the portrait of Jim that blossomed on the paper in front of him was radically different to his usual art style, made up of all the colours he used less frequently. He painted in opposites, blocking out colours that he would never incorporate into a naturalistic portrait; his face was made up of greens, blues, sunshine-happy yellows, a beautiful gathering of all the colours that seemed to best represent the personality of the man he loved. Even without Jim beside him, he felt the warmth of his love in the smile that he’d crafted on paper; even without him near, he felt safer, and felt loved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mind if I join you?” A voice asked, and when Freddie looked up, he was met with the kind eyes of the professor he’d met when he’d visited the Royal College of Art. He held a box in his hands, similar to the box that Freddie had open, paints sprawling out of it and over the downy grass; tucked under his arm was a sketchbook, sturdy and spiral bound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” He smiled shyly, hastily shoving as many of his paints back into the box as he could to clear some space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, right?” Taavi grinned, laying down on his stomach opposite him and flicking to a pencil outline he’d sketched in his own book. “You’ve got some nice stuff here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s Freddie. Thanks.” He laughed a little. “Since I- since I decided I was applying for painting, my fiancé thought I could do with some good materials, you know, to build my portfolio.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fiancé?” He smiled back at him as he set up his palette. “Have you gotten engaged recently?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, last week.” He grinned, adding a bright red to Jim’s lips, enhancing their natural hue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Congratulations!” He chuckled. “Are you painting him now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie turned his sketchbook around and showed him his art. “I’m trying to make a couple of pieces that are a bit different, you know, trying not to just do everything all naturalistically.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really like it.” He grinned, dipping his paintbrush in the orange on his palette and touching it to the crease of Jim’s eyelid. “You could do with lightening this a little.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think?” Freddie asked, quickly matching the same colour on his own palette and then working it into the colour already there. “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I like it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you try the encaustic?” He asked curiously. “You might like to do this style with encaustic.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did!” He grinned back at him, looking up from his painting for a moment. “I love it, but it- it’s an absolute fucking nightmare, honestly, because I can’t set out the hot plate during the day. I’ve got a son who’s crawling everywhere and just learning to walk- he’s definitely going to burn himself.” He chuckled as he shook his head. “So I can only do it in the evening, usually. Whereas I can be in the lounge with the kids if I’m working in acrylic, you know- although my little boy has learned how to knock my easel over, so I’ve ended up having to scrub oil paint out of his hair a time or two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You seem young to have a kid.” He said softly. “He mustn’t be that old, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ten months.” Freddie smiled shyly. “I mean, I’m twenty-five, I’m not that young.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you?” He asked, laughing. “Christ, you’re only two years younger than me. I thought you were like twenty-one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just the baby-face.” He chuckled as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand. “My fiancé, he’s thirty-three, I’m twenty-five, and we’ve got a ten-month-old and a three-month-old.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I didn’t realise you had a newborn!” He smiled. “God, to make art like this while you’re looking after them must be a handful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim’s a doctor, but he’s on a career break at the moment, so he cares for them while I paint, usually.” He laughed a little. “I think he’s happy to have the excuse to get his train tracks out, Maajid’s learned how to push the trains along them and it’s his favourite game to play these days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Must be a bit of a mental house, a doctor and an artist.” He chuckled. “Very different personality types. My husband, he works as a fashion designer, so I suppose you could say we’re a very similar type.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s probably good that Jim’s so scientific. I feel like it makes him, like- ordered, you know, and logical. He’s the one that keeps everything running, I just do the decorating.” He joked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey!” He laughed. “A good man is one that’ll keep on track when you get too invested in any project, that’s for sure. There’s many a time we’ve been working together and we’ve suddenly realised it’s like four in the morning and I have to teach at nine.” He shook his head with a grin. “It’s alright for him, he only works three days a week.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How come you don’t do something like fashion?” Freddie asked, bright eyes earnest and curious as he watched the man in front of him. “Why teach?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because of this.” He gestured at their sketchbooks, their paint tubes discarded across the grass, the way that the shadow from the sun cast its mark over their pages. “Sitting down and just- you know, making art, and making art with people who give enough of a shit about it to want to do it for their career, too. People that don’t just label me as some pretentious art type, like- you know, you get it, you get the love of it, you get what it’s like to be so enthusiastic about the debate of Windsor and Newton paints or Chroma Atelier ones.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The way he spoke unveiled emotions in Freddie’s heart that he’d suppressed for so long: for as long as he could remember, since he’d been a child, art school had been a dirty ambition. Though his father had been so loving and so accepting of who he grew into as a person, art was the thing that they had never seen eye-to-eye about; art school had been something that he’d quietly yearned for while he’d been falling asleep in science classrooms, something he’d silently worked for with the quiet after-school hours in the lone studio in his school. His father had thrown money at him for textbooks, notebooks, pens and pencils and even the set of fluorescent highlighters he’d bought in a desperate attempt to make the squiggles of his physics book look somewhat appealing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the art supplies he’d bought himself. He’d saved up every penny he earned, whether through chores or through his allowance; he’d bought his pencils one by one until he’d had full-colour sets, his brushes one by one until he had everything from the daintiest fan brush down to the thickest flat head brush, every tube of paint singularly, trying his best not to run out of the titanium white before he’d had a chance to restock his ultramarine first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sketchbooks had proliferated throughout his room, cluttering his shelves and his desk and under his bed, every drawing so tiny and so delicate just to fit another one onto the same page, just to make the book last longer: every night, he’d waited until the world had turned quiet and dark around him to take out his materials and make a start.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To chase his dream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I definitely get the love of it.” He agreed, his cheeks reddening a little; it felt to him as though Taavi understood who he was simply from the elegant simplicity of brushstrokes on paper. “I just- I can’t imagine ever doing anything else, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me tell you why I came here today.” He said earnestly, putting his brush down. “Freddie, I want to help you get into the Royal College.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though his words had never been anything but encouraging, he still found himself surprised by the admission that came from his lips. “I-” He started shyly. “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” He grinned back at him. “Listen, I see hundreds of artists every year, and I see thousands of portfolios, but they don’t usually- they aren’t usually so phenomenal.” He said honestly. “And you- you strike me as someone that doesn’t have a plan b. You strike me as someone who’s so invested in this, that if you- if you were to be told you weren’t going to art school, it’d be such a knock. You remind me of how I was when I applied for my undergrad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re right.” He admitted, feeling as though he could be honest. “I really care about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have the talent to be in exhibitions, easy.” He nodded as he spoke. “You have the talent, right now, to sell your art. You don’t need to be taught how to paint- we can refine your technique, but your fundamentals are already incredibly developed. What you need is to boost your confidence, and to meet the right people- people that are going to put your work in the right places and show it to the right people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That seems like you.” He whispered, voice soft and shy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It almost goes back to the days of mentors, doesn’t it? You hole up in my studio and I teach you the ways of the art world.” He chuckled and then shook his head. “I’d be terrible at it- I don’t know the right people. But what I can do is introduce you to people who do know the right people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie bit his thumbnail. “How?” He asked softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you have your portfolio done by next Thursday?” He asked. “If you can, then bring it to me at the college, and I’ll go through it with you. I can help you refine it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you allowed to do that?” He questioned, seeming a little nervous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m allowed to offer my services to whoever I choose.” He shrugged. “We have a programme, you see, it’s a talented artists programme- people that might be overlooked by the college because of qualifications, they can have some one-on-one time with a professor teaching their desired degree to help strengthen their application. You said that you didn’t have any art qualifications, didn’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have any qualifications in anything.” He admitted shyly. “I never finished school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There we go, then. You hit all the criteria.” He grinned. “So, can you get it done by Thursday?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s nod was vigorous, happy, re-energised. “Yeah.” He grinned. “Yeah, I can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ejaz was quiet in his arms as he rocked him back and forth, pacing the length of the windows in his lounge as he looked out at the skyline. “I need something special.” His voice whined a little, and Jim couldn’t help but laugh from where he lay back on the sofa behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby, all your work is special.” He replied sweetly. “You haven’t painted a single piece that isn’t incredible. Fuck- remember what Taavi said?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, but…” He trailed off and glanced down at his baby son, cradled so close against him, and sighed. “I just want to paint something- something you can’t look away from, something so- so breathtakingly beautiful, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Paint yourself.” Jim said immediately, sitting up when Freddie turned to him with a look of protest on his face. “No, listen, I’m not even trying to sweet talk you- paint yourself, Freddie. Isn’t a self-portrait supposed to be one of the hardest things to paint well?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said breathtakingly beautiful.” He arched an eyebrow. “I don’t think milk on my shirt and my hair needing cutting really cuts it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop being so fucking self-critical!” Jim rolled his eyes, though his tone was light and playful, and Freddie started to grin; Jim often chastised him for speaking negatively of himself, and he almost always followed it with a kiss. “It doesn’t have to be strict realism, does it? You could make yourself into something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim stood up and Freddie accepted the kiss happily; he took Ejaz from his arms and Freddie immediately walked over to the mirror in their lounge, arranging his hair over his shoulders. “But what could I make myself into?” He asked. “God, I feel like this portfolio has sapped every last bit of creativity I ever had.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They always say creativity is like a muscle- yours just hasn’t been used for a while.” Jim stood by the side of him, and Freddie turned to look at him-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And from the way he stood, Jim swore the lamplight from the corner burst around him, creating something iridescent in the sparkle of his eye; he was haloed, angelic, precious and special-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Breathtakingly beautiful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“An angel.” Jim said immediately. “You should be an angel, you’d be a perfect angel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Freddie laughed. “Jim-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look in the mirror.” He said seriously. “Don’t- don’t move your head, don’t move, just look with your eyes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Freddie turned his head, it felt as though for a fraction of a second, for a solitary moment in time, he saw himself with the same wonder that Jim saw him with. He saw himself looking radiant, glossy, youthful and happy; the light that curved its path around him seemed to illuminate the gold in his hair and his eyes, making him look so simple, so elegant, so beautiful-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So innocent. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think?” Freddie whispered, clutching desperately to the moment, taking that photo forever in his mind, before the haze of criticism would rinse over him once again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be special.” Jim said certainly. “You could- you could make it huge, a piece out of your sketchbook. They want something special, darling, something that’ll grab their attention, surprise them, awe them even- a self-portrait, I’m telling you, but you can- you can make yourself into an angel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never thought about myself like that before.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed his cheek gently. “But a great time to start, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie chewed on his lip nervously, eyes averting from the mirror, but he nodded all the same. “Right.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Four O'Clock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Conversations between lovers.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was just really in the mood to write lots of baby fluff lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The moonlight leaked across their bed, splashing their silken sheets white; they were both awake, though they were quiet, Jim’s fingers tracing back and forth across Freddie’s back through his thin t-shirt, Freddie gently trailing his across Jim’s chest. They’d been awake with the children, Freddie feeding Ejaz while Jim had cuddled Maajid back to sleep when he’d started babbling for them; the silence lulled around them again, occasionally broken up by the gentle rustling of the covers in the baby’s bassinet, and Freddie felt at peace. He yawned and pulled himself closer up to Jim’s chest, smiling when his arms clasped tightly around him. “Feels nice.” Freddie whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Jim murmured, kissing his forehead gently and letting Freddie lay atop his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your arms. Feels nice.” Freddie smiled bashfully, resting his cheek against Jim’s sternum, the fluff of his curls brushing the tip of his chin. “Nice to be held.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled and squeezed him playfully; Freddie laughed sleepily and clutched onto him. “You’re nice to hold.” He whispered tiredly, nuzzling his nose into Freddie’s hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No one’s ever done this to me before.” He admitted shyly. “Just- just held me. It’s nice, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey.” Jim murmured sympathetically. “It’s even nicer to hold you. You’re comfy as hell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed, his cheeks flushing. “You’re just so nice.” He whispered, almost in disbelief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Jim whispered, leaning down to kiss him gently. “You know, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep now. It’s- what, half four?” He glanced over at the clock and then chuckled. “To think, I’d be getting in the shower and getting dressed by now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can get up now if you want to.” Freddie yawned and stretched out. “As long as you let me have an afternoon nap.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, baby, we can go back to sleep.” Jim promised, pulling him closer. “You must still be exhausted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know-” Freddie laughed a little and rested his cheekbone against Jim’s shoulder. “I’m actually kind of in the mood to paint.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned back at him and arched an eyebrow. “At four in the morning?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Time has no meaning when you’ve got a three-month-old baby.” Freddie laughed and sat up, stretching his arms up overhead; his shirt rode up over his stomach and he gently pressed a hand to it. “It’s weird, I haven’t been pregnant for three months now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How does it feel?” Jim asked curiously, rubbing his hand gently over Freddie’s hip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean- I’m not that great at looking after myself when I’m not pregnant, am I?” Freddie smiled wryly. “I got told off by the guys at the HIV clinic yesterday because I’m not putting weight on like they want me to. But I’ve been taking my medications properly!” He said quickly when he saw the look on Jim’s face. “So my CD4 count has gone back up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s good!” Jim enthused, sitting up with him and kissing his forehead. “I tell you what- my mission is to get three square meals into you if it kills me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t-” Freddie started, but Jim gently laid a finger over his lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know I don’t have to. That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to.” He grinned back at him and suddenly picked him up, making Freddie squeal with laughter. “And the first thing I’m going to do is wash your fucking hair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh God, is it that bad?” Freddie laughed as he carried him into the bathroom and sat him up on the side. “I mean, babies, in my defence.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It kind of is, honey.” Jim chuckled and kissed his forehead. He reached over and turned on the shower, warming it to Freddie’s favourite temperature. “What setting do you want?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we have the one with the massage jets?” He asked hopefully. “God, this is a stupidly luxurious shower.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a shame that the only time we have to use it is four in the morning.” Jim helped Freddie to undress quickly, kicking off his own sweatpants before he climbed in. “Come on in, honey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grinned at him as he climbed in beside him, shivering with pleasure at the warmth of the water and the feeling of Jim’s arms as they wound around him. “Oh, darling, that feels incredible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pulled him into another kiss, deliberately keeping the press of their lips soft and gentle, not wanting to scare Freddie as they stood naked together. “We’re going to make looking after yourself feel this good all the time.” He murmured, kissing him once more before he reached for the shampoo and began to massage it through Freddie’s hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie watched him curiously, biting at his lip. “Why do you do this for me?” He asked shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled as he cupped the suds to stop them from falling down onto Freddie’s face. “Because, darling, I know it makes you feel better.” He said honestly. “When someone’s depressed, it can mean that they don’t feel like they’re able to look after themselves properly. And in between being a new dad, applying for art school, struggling with your mental health- darling, I just want to do something to help you feel better in yourself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood quietly for a moment, allowing him to rinse his hair. “I love you.” He whispered. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the first time Freddie hadn’t tried to deflect his attention, his love, his care; Freddie simply stood in his arms, his cheeks pink and his body soft as he let himself be pampered. “I love you too, my love.” Jim murmured, tilting his chin up a little and washing his face for him. “I’m really proud of you for taking your medications, you know? It shows me how much you want to look after yourself, darling, even if we do need to take it a step at a time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie wound his arms around Jim’s middle and hugged him tightly, resting his cheek against his lover’s chest; he felt safe in his arms for a moment, warm and cradled by the hand that came up to cup the back of his head. “I went and spoke to Blair.” Freddie whispered. “And she thinks it’s like you said- it’s like I struggle to feel like I should look after myself. I did it before because I- well, you know, I sold myself, so I had to look the part. But now- when it’s just for my benefit, it’s like I shouldn’t bother, I should put the time into the children, or into you, or-” He faltered. “Does that make sense?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.” Jim kissed the end of his nose. “I’m glad you went to Blair, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was after I got freaked out when we tried to have sex.” He murmured. “I know we’ve been fine since, but I- I just thought it might be useful to talk to her about that, you know? Because even though I can do it now, I wanted to know why I had such a reaction then. I thought she could help me understand my mind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded. “And did she help?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think so.” He murmured. “I felt like I didn’t suck this much this time. I said what I meant, I didn’t fuck up my words as much and get all stuck.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Talking is a skill.” Jim agreed. “You’re just getting used to it, honey. And now you know Blair, you don’t feel like you’re having to justify yourself to her, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel like she doesn’t judge me.” He whispered. “I thought- I wasn’t sure at first, but now I know. She hasn’t raised an eyebrow at anything I’ve said, even when it doesn’t make sense, even when it all feels stupid and ridiculous- I feel safe with her.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good! Good, baby, good.” Jim smiled. “I’m really glad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She said some stuff that made a lot of sense, though. She said- you know, I can’t go back and change the decisions I made that led me to where I was. I can’t change what I’ve been through, no matter how much anger and resentment and misery I feel about it all.” He glanced up at Jim. “And she said that I can’t change all that, I can’t change the chemicals in my brain, and I can’t change the fact that I’m HIV positive- but I can choose to make the future better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded. “Do you like that idea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The way she said it- I’m in control of what happens.” He murmured. “I’m in control of how I react to everything, you know? I’m in control of what happens now. I can choose to look after myself better, I can choose to eat properly and shower in the mornings and sleep as much as I can and work hard to get into art school- and that’s not to say that I’ll always feel like doing it, or feel like I’m able to do it at all, but I can always try and do my best.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You broke away from Luca for a reason, darling.” Jim agreed, quickly soaping his hair as Freddie watched him. “You broke away so that you could get that independence back. And I know it’s overwhelming, darling, I really do- but you’ve done the hardest part by getting away from him, and now you’ve just got to maintain it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood on his toes and kissed Jim again, a little smile blossoming across his face. “Sometimes I forget he’s in jail.” He admitted softly. “And I can- I can get stuck, almost waiting for him to come back, if that makes sense? Like my brain thinks that this is all temporary. And it can take some time for me to realise that this is real, this is my life, and this is- this is something I’m allowed to enjoy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Personally, I’m enjoying it very much.” Jim hugged Freddie close and chuckled when he pressed another kiss to Jim’s collarbone. “God, I love how cuddly you are.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re just nice to cuddle.” Freddie murmured, cushioning his cheek against Jim’s chest. “No one ever cuddled me before you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby.” Jim murmured, kissing his forehead. “I think you’ve got a lot of loving to catch up on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s smile was beautiful and bright as he looked up at him, eventually letting go to allow Jim to wrap a towel around his hips. “I really love you.” He murmured softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, my darling.” Jim smiled as he stepped out of the shower; he looked around as soon as he heard faint crying and dropped a kiss on Freddie’s nose. “One second, honey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A moment later, he appeared, still dripping wet, baby Ejaz in his arms. “Our little baby teddy bear wants his daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s favourite sleepsuit for the baby was made of teddy fleecing - they rarely needed to swaddle him to keep him warm when he was dressed in it, and he would always sleep better when he was dressed up in the soft material. “Oh, baby!” Freddie took the baby into his arms and smiled, pressing a kiss to his forehead and watching him smile. “Good morning!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He started wriggling when he heard my footsteps.” Jim laughed and kissed Ejaz’s forehead as Freddie bounced in his footsteps. “He probably wants another bottle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, this baby eats like a horse.” Freddie grinned down at him, laughing when Ejaz stroked the bottom of his face with his little palm. “Are you hungry, honey? Does Daddy need to give you another bottle?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie placed Ejaz down on his tummy on the vanity counter, pressing a brief kiss to Jim’s lips in thanks for the clean clothes he handed him. He dressed quickly, laughing when Jim pressed a kiss to the back of his neck as soon as he’d pulled on his sweater, his eyes barely leaving his baby as he peered at them both curiously. “Are you going out today?” He asked Jim as he pulled on his socks and quickly began to brush his teeth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, darling. I think I just need a day at home.” He grinned, picking up Ejaz while Freddie cleaned himself up and pressing an idle kiss to his forehead. “I’ll do a swap with you when you’ve finished.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Deal.” Freddie murmured from amongst bubbles. “Thanks, lovie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You just never get tired of this, do you?” Jim asked, laughing when Ejaz smiled up at him. “I honestly still can’t believe this is really my baby. It’s like- I don’t know, I spent so many years being told I couldn’t have kids, that I’d have to think about adopting, or that I’d have to go through all kinds of different treatments.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie spat his toothpaste out and looked at him curiously. “You saw doctors about it, then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, I did everything they said.” He admitted. “Stopped smoking, stopped drinking, lost a bit of weight that I was packing around the middle, supplements- the only thing I couldn’t change was stress, because my job’s fucking stressful, you know.” He shook his head. “I even let them examine my dick, and everything, in case there was something wrong that I hadn’t picked up on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did they say?” Freddie asked curiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, they found out pretty quickly that Jamie was completely infertile, so they didn’t spend too much time on me, but they basically said that my sperm were shit.” He shook his head with a wry smile. “But I thought they meant that they were awful, like I was infertile too. I didn’t realise it was just a lessened chance, rather than completely impossible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you try for a long time with Jamie?” He asked softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About five years. We started trying when I was twenty-six.” He explained. “Just before I met you, we’d basically agreed to stop trying.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That must’ve been heartbreaking.” Freddie murmured. “I’m sorry, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We could’ve done something like IVF, but he could’ve gotten really sick, so we thought- you know, it wasn’t worth it. I think it was probably one of the reasons we stopped being in love with one another.” He said honestly. “It was just this irreconcilable difference that we couldn’t get over.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie hugged him carefully, doing his best not to squash Ejaz between them. “It must’ve been crazy when I told you I was pregnant, then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking mental.” He admitted in a laugh. “When you- you try for so long, you give up, and then a few months into your relationship your new boyfriend basically tells you that he’s going to give you the gift you could never get with the partner you’d been with for so long- it was absolutely incredible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed when Jim kissed the end of his nose and gently took Ejaz from him so that he could brush his teeth. “It was crazy for me, too.” He explained. “Because I knew you were the father. Knowing that you wanted to be a part of his life- that was a completely different experience for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Knowing that you weren’t going to be on your own.” Jim smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was so resigned to fathering Maajid by myself.” Freddie said honestly, patting Ejaz on the back as he lay him over his shoulder. “Being everything to him, you know? And it was okay to come to terms with that when it was one baby, but two- I mean, I know some people can do it, but the thought of two babies by myself was absolutely terrifying. When I was pregnant with Maaj, I used to have nightmares that I was going to give birth to like- octuplets, or something, and they’d cry and I’d be the only one there- it used to drive me to insanity.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded and spat his toothpaste into the sink after a few more moments. “I promise you, baby-” He came closer and kissed Freddie gently. “That I’ll always be here for you and the kids, no matter how many we have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled, sweet and shy, and rested his head against Jim’s shoulder for a moment. “I love you.” He murmured. “You know, I- I kind of can’t wait until we can have our second together. Just- you know, doing it properly, without any of the mess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me neither, honey.” Jim grinned. “We’ll get to do it properly, soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ejaz slept peacefully against Jim’s chest, bare skin pressed to his, absorbing and finding comfort in his warmth; he smiled as he simply allowed the baby to sleep upon him, watching the gentle rise and fall of his back. The moment was so peaceful, calm between the two of them; he hadn’t considered that bathing the baby early would put him to sleep, but he’d revelled in watching the slow droop of his heavy eyelashes, his little face looking so much like Freddie’s as he lay curled up on his father’s chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Woah!” Freddie picked up Maajid quickly when he reached for Jim’s coffee cup, pulling him close to his chest. “That’s hot, baby! You can’t drink that!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed as he watched them. “I think he was just trying to pull himself up with the coffee table.” He chuckled. “Baby wants to walk.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie knelt on the floor and set him down again, grasping his little hands to hold him up while he took a few shaky steps. “There we go!” He said happily, laughing when he bumped back down. “Do you ever think babies are mental?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think Maajid is especially insane.” Jim smirked in return.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I meant!” Freddie whined defensively, letting himself be led over to the pile of blocks in the corner by Maajid; he diligently started to build a tower, watching his baby’s eyes following his movements. As he held the blocks firm, Maajid placed another one on top. “Just like- ten months ago he was a tiny little bundle in a premature nappy that barely stayed awake for an hour at a time. And now he’s like- he’s a tiny person. He laughs and he doesn’t like peas and he can build towers and call me </span>
  <em>
    <span>dada- </span>
  </em>
  <span>it’s insane. He’s a person.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t like peas?” Jim laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I gave him peas as part of his dinner yesterday. He spat them out all over his tray.” Freddie grinned as he looked over his shoulder at Jim. “Absolutely loved mashed potato, though. I gave him seconds of that because he kept trying to eat the food that was on my plate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ate baby food?” Jim arched an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t baby food! I just figured, you know, if I’m busting my ass trying to make nutritious food for my baby, I might as well make it for myself as well. I just made myself some fish to go with what I cooked for Maaj.” Freddie explained, picking up the blocks once Maajid had knocked them down and starting to rebuild them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to make me a little booklet of all the recipes he’ll actually eat.” Jim chuckled. “He seems to hate my cooking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because you don’t flavour anything.” Freddie laughed, picking up Maajid when he crawled close and sitting him on his hip as he wandered towards the kitchen. “I’ve got him eating khichdi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How?” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He likes it! It’s my mother’s recipe, she used to give it to me when I was a little kid.” He grinned and stood a bottle on the warmer for him. “Ghee, cumin, onion, cauliflower, everything. I just mash it up and give it to him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m genuinely surprised he likes that.” Jim admitted as Freddie sat down next to him, Maajid in his lap and taking the bottle eagerly. “He really likes cumin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s got Indian ancestry!” Freddie laughed and played with Maajid’s hair, helping him keep the bottle tilted right though he could now hold it by himself. “You watch, I’ll have Ejaz eating chilli before he’s one. We don’t fuck around with fish fingers and potato soups.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim admired how he looked, his cheeks warm, his smile happy, his fingers gentle as they fiddled with the curls on Maajid’s head. It was an earnest happiness that he hadn’t seen in Freddie in a long while, and to see his smile made his own heart feel happy, as though he really were making a difference in how he felt. “I look forward to you cooking a lot more for us as well, then.” He grinned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mama’s been teaching me a few staples while you’ve been out and she’s come round. She helped me make the khichdi the first time, and she’s promised she’ll teach me a few recipes I can make for us as well.” He smiled. “I really do want to be better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you do, honey. Maybe you can teach me, too.” Jim grinned, and Freddie’s eyes lit up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I?” He asked hopefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled back at him, his smile so kind, so caring, and so comforting. “Baby- of course you can.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Whistling Kettles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An unexpected visitor.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw/ assault</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Having a whistling kettle seemed impossibly glamorous to Freddie; no matter the grandeur of their apartment, glass windows and rooftop swimming pools, the freestanding bath in their bedroom, balconies big enough to hold loveseats and baby toys, the kettle seemed to Freddie to be the most luxurious thing of them all. The enamelled steel was coloured bright white, pristine and elegant amongst the splendour of their marble countertops, their collection of vintage teacups, the bright blue teapot that sat on the side for late evenings and lazy sunsets; it whistled a beautiful tune to him as he picked out a mug, the largest one clean in their cupboard, and took a teabag from the canister beside the range. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even the sound of the water as it filled the mug brought a smile to his face; the steam warmed his fingers now that the early summer sun had finally finished her descent beyond the horizon, keeping him company as he waited for his love to return to him, their children in arms, with bags of food that would leave him warm for hours beyond. Jim had promised him the best takeout in Kensington that evening, giving him nothing more than that to look forward to, keeping his curiosity piqued; even the thought of his lover that night kept the smile on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glanced over their dining room table, his encaustic wax melted in a pot on the counter, his palette cover in dried wax that he knew that he’d have to soak to clean off, and the palette knives that had been used to scratch and scrape the landscape onto his canvas. He was ever so proud of the London skyline that has blossomed under his fingers, proving that he was finally beginning to master even the most difficult of painting styles, proving that he really could be good enough to apply to the Royal College of Art-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked around when there was a knock on the door, immediately feeling a burst of excitement jolt through his body as he ran over to the door and threw it open.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Farrokh Bulsara?” A man asked, immediately walking towards him; Freddie backed away, stumbling back into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” He asked, his voice going quiet, frightened- terrified. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“P.C. Oxford.” He flashed a badge at him and Freddie looked between him and the badge quickly, panicked breath catching in his throat. “I’m here to authorise your arrest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Freddie gasped, knocking into the table behind him as he continued to walk backwards. “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another policeman walked in behind him and smirked. “Whoring.” He spat at him. “That’s what you are, isn’t it? Some kind of common whore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” He choked, flinching away when the first officer tried to grab his hands. “No, no, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t resist if I were you.” The first officer grabbed him by the back of the neck and pushed him down onto the surface of the table, his face pressed into the painting he’d worked so hard on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please-” Freddie murmured, voice hoarse, as tears started to leak down his cheeks; he wriggled a little, trying to ease the pressure from his neck. “This is- you’ve got it wrong, please, please-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know a whore when I see one.” The second officer snorted as he closed a set of handcuffs around his wrists. “You stick your ass out straight away, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first officer suddenly gripped him by the hips, pulling him back against his crotch, and Freddie sobbed. “Please-” He tried again. “I’ll come, please, don’t, please, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gasped when he was suddenly pulled upright and pushed into the arms of the other officer. “So you’re not resisting now?” He smirked and shoved him out the door. “Well, there’s always later.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was shaking, freezing cold from the thin pair of overalls he’d worn while painting; one of his lips was bloodied, his wrists raw from the cuffs, but he kept quiet about it all. “Jim?” He croaked, well aware that there wasn’t a person in that station that wasn’t listening to him, no matter how softly he spoke. “Are you there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where are you?” Jim asked immediately, all pleasantries forgotten. “You were- you were just gone, Freddie, I thought-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wetted his lips desperately. “I’ve been arrested.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim was speechless. “Arrested?” He asked. “Where are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced around and looked up at the wall. “Kensington Police Station.” He murmured. “I’m sorry, they- they came to the house, I didn’t know, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the hell did they arrest you for at home?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Freddie whispered. “They won’t say.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If they won’t even tell you-” Jim spat, furious, and Freddie cowered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What am I here for?” He asked the detective between the counter, swallowing hard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Jim was switched to another line. “Outraging public decency.” An unfamiliar voice told Jim. “On several hundred counts of public prostitution.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s bullshit!” Jim shouted. “Have you got any fucking idea what he went through? What he had to deal with? He was trafficked, for fuck’s sake, he was turned out, he was beaten fucking black and blue-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you want to testify on his behalf, you’ll have to come down here and do it on record.” The detective replied.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I do that?” Jim asked immediately. “It’s not fucking fair to keep him overnight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whenever you want to.” He replied, sounding bored. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You better have someone there to talk to me.” He spat, just before he put the phone down.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The blanket was scratchy, but it was warmer than he’d been for hours; Freddie was relieved not to be shivering any longer, not when his body was feeling so strange, so jittery and off-kilter. “Do you want a cup of tea, darling?” A woman asked as she led him into another room and sat him down behind a table. “Warm you up a bit?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, thanks.” He whispered, tucking his knees up to his chest and hugging them tight, before he pulled the blanket back tighter around himself. “What’s happening now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be interviewed.” She poured him a polystyrene cup from a large canister and then handed it over, along with a pod of milk and a packet of sugar, and a little wooden stirrer. “So the detective is going to come in and explain the charge to you, and you’ll have a chance to explain your side of the story to us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie poured all the milk and sugar into his tea and then took a sip. “Who are you?” He asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m called an appropriate adult.” She told him, sitting down beside him. “I’m just someone you can talk to about everything they ask you. The person you called- he suggested to us that there was some history with you and being trafficked, and that suggests to us that you’re more likely to accidentally self-incriminate because of suggestibility and compliance.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie swallowed. “What does that mean?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Were you trafficked?” She asked in return.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A guy took me to Liverpool so I could work for him.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And did you know anybody in Liverpool? Did you choose to do that?” She asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie shook his head slowly. “No.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And when you worked for this person, could you ever say no to them? Did they let you talk to them about things you did or didn’t want to do?” She asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” He murmured again. “He- he used to beat me if I said no.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So he used suggestibility and compliance against you.” She explained. “He knew that you’d say yes to anything, no matter what he said. But the problem with that with the police, is that if you say yes to everything they ask you, then that might not be what really happened, and so they might think you’ve done things that you haven’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded and swallowed hard. “I’m not very good at talking.” He whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can have all the time you need.” She promised. “Don’t worry about being in trouble, or anything like that- you just tell us the truth. Try and tell us as much of the truth as you can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There came a knock on the door and they both looked over, met with the look of another detective, smiling at them. “Are we ready to go?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both looked at Freddie, and he nodded. “Sure.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The detective sat down opposite them and nodded, setting the tape recorder to start and running through the formalities before he turned to Freddie. “You’ve been arrested on prostitution charges, do you understand that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded, looking down into his cup of tea. “Yes.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, did you?” He asked bluntly. “Did you work as a prostitute from 1962 to 1971?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced at them both, tears welling in his eyes, and nodded again. “Yes.” He whispered. “I did.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Forgiveness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The dynamic changes.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tiredness weighed heavily on his eyelids; though the bench was hard and uncomfortable, he slept the lonely hours away in his cell, feeling as though he was waiting, waiting for hours, waiting for something that he didn’t know. He yawned as he sat up, the knock on his cell door having disturbed him, and rubbed his eyes, before he hugged his knees to his chest, a little defensive of his body. “Yes?” He called, though his voice was hoarse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door opened slowly and a young woman stood opposite him, smiling kindly. “Hi, Freddie.” She said gently. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, did I wake you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded but tried his best to smile back at her. “It’s fine.” He promised, his voice barely above a whisper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to ask you about something you said in your interview, if that’s okay?” She asked, leaning her hip against the wall. “You mentioned a man called Luca Ricci. Is that right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He whispered, slowly uncurling his body when he felt he was safe. “Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So my name’s Natalie, honey, and I work for the Serious Organised Crime Agency.” She told him. “I was wondering if you’d mind answering some questions I have about Luca. It could really help us strengthen our investigation against him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded quickly. “I can do that.” He agreed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It might help you, too.” She said honestly. “If you can give us the evidence of your trafficking, Freddie, then the perspective on your crime changes. You’re a victim- you didn’t have the ability to make the decision to carry out that work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes widened immediately and he began to smile. “I can get out of here?” He asked hopefully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t tell you this, darling, but I will-” She grinned as she beckoned him forward. “Your partner, Jim, he came in and chatted to us about an incident that involved you and Luca. He explained to us all about the baby you had together, the fact that Luca attacked you so badly that your baby had to be born at twenty-five weeks- and that’s a really strong indicator of coercion. He brought some papers from your medical record to show us the record of the incident.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked at her, his face one of awe. “He did that for me?” He asked quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, darling.” She smiled, gesturing to the door of the same interview room he’d been in a few hours earlier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sat back behind the table and rubbed his eyes tiredly, but he was smiling. “What do you want me to tell you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything, darling.” She chuckled as she flicked on the tape recorder. “Let’s start at the beginning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, the screaming in his mind, the noise around him, the overwhelming, cacophonous voices of dread, seemed to stop. Suddenly, the world seemed to calm down; as soon as he ran into Jim’s arms, as soon as he was held there, safe and tight and warm and happy, the noise left him alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby.” Jim murmured, stroking his fingers back and forth through Freddie’s hair. “Are you okay? Is everything okay, baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded, resting his cheek exhaustedly against Jim’s collarbone. “I thought- I thought I’d never see you again, I thought, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There was no way in hell I was letting them keep you for a minute longer than they absolutely had to.” Jim tilted his head up, going to kiss him, and then frowned. “Why is your lip split?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing.” Freddie whispered. “Let’s just go home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not nothing.” Jim gently gripped his jaw to look at it more clearly. “Who hit you, Freddie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked away, feeling a little ashamed. “Just the- the guys who arrested me, you know, they were just a bit rough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s a bit rough, and then there’s splitting your fucking lip.” Jim looked over at the sergeant behind the desk and then back at Freddie. “Tell me what happened when they arrested you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were in the kitchen.” Freddie whispered. “And they- they pushed me down on the table to handcuff me, and I thought-” His eyes began to well with tears. “They- they called me a whore, and one- he grabbed my hips and- you know, he pulled me against his crotch, and-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim turned to the sergeant and slammed his hands down on the desk. “Where the fuck do your officers get off on assaulting my fucking fiancé?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He arched an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Treating a fucking trafficking victim like shit!” He shouted. “They split his fucking lip, they sexually assaulted him-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can assure you that the officers would never act in such a way.” He replied.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim shook his head in disbelief. “Motherfucker.” He breathed. “I’ll see you in court.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-” Freddie murmured, gripping Jim’s wrist. “Please, can we just go home?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not forgetting this.” He told the sergeant, winding his arm close around Freddie’s waist. “If you want us to cooperate in any investigation, you better be prepared to sort this out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he turned around, he could see the exhaustion behind Freddie’s eyes; he pressed the most gentle kiss to his forehead and then nodded. “Let’s go home, honey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wind blew peacefully through their home, through the balcony doors that had been opened to welcome in the evening sunshine; they sat together on the loveseat in the lounge, every part of Freddie’s body as close to Jim’s as it could be. He had held him for hours once they’d gotten home, as Freddie had cried out his anxiety and fear against his chest, until he could finally lay quietly once again; he finally settled with his cheek to Jim’s chest, Maajid close against his chest while Jim held Ejaz, both children quiet and calm against them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t he just leave me alone?” Freddie whispered. “It’s like- it’s like every time I try to settle down, he tries to grab me again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s scared of you.” Jim told him. “Because you defied him. He’s scared of the fact that you were strong enough to escape him, and that you’re strong enough to talk to people about him. He’s trying to scare you back into submission so that you can’t threaten him anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just want him to go away.” He murmured, tucking his knees up close to his body and hugging his son close. “If he left me alone, I wouldn’t even talk to anybody- it’s like he’s trying to make me talk to people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s not very logical, darling. Or very clever.” Jim kissed his forehead. “He’s just a good manipulator. The only way he knows how to deal with these situations is just to try and manipulate you, the police, everyone. He wants to turn you all against each other, because then he looks like the good boy caught in the middle.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie glanced over when Goliath jumped up on the sofa beside him, nudging his head against Freddie’s stomach, where Maajid lay. “When did I get a cuddly cat?” He started to smile as he pet him. “I swear to you, ever since I adopted him, we had this- I don’t know, it was a mutual agreement, we just did our own thing and he cuddled me occasionally and in return I fed him.” Freddie chuckled. “He’s never been a lapcat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe he just missed you.” Jim laughed, leaning over Freddie and Maajid and scratching the cat’s chin gently. “He’s protective of you. He bit me the first day I came into your house.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did he?” Freddie laughed. “I don’t remember that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’s because you were pregnant.” Jim chuckled. “Don’t cats get protective when you’re pregnant?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How would he have known? I adopted him while I was pregnant, so it’s not like he’d know the difference in my body.” Freddie laughed. “I don’t know, cats are weird. It’s a good job they’re so fluffy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned and pressed his lips to Freddie’s temple again, closing his eyes contentedly. “I love you so much, my darling.” He murmured. “So fucking much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” Freddie whispered. “Thank you for coming to help me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled and captured his lips softly. “Any time, darling.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Two to Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Suspected.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Freddie laughed into the morning sunshine, reaching for Maajid as he crawled around over their bed. Jim’s arm was wound warm and close around his waist, his lips pressed to Freddie’s hair, his free hand clasping his coffee cup close to his chest. “This baby, I swear.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dada!” He giggled, crawling his way over Jim’s knees and then landing on Freddie’s stomach, cuddling it tight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think he understands that Ejaz is a real baby these days.” He chuckled, brushing his fingers through his son’s mess of dark curls. “I feel like he should be on some advert for cute babies. Like a baby powder advert or something- I mean, God, look at his little face!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you’ve got a special power to make the cutest babies alive.” Jim smiled and yawned, slipping down a little in the bed and resting his cheek against Freddie’s shoulder. “The most fucking energetic baby known to man.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I might put him in for a marathon. God knows he could crawl it fast enough.” Freddie laughed and rubbed his eye, picking up his baby and cuddling him close to his chest. Maajid wriggled in his arms, flailing and giggling, until Freddie let him go, immediately crawling back down his body to lay against his stomach. “Why do you like laying there so much?” He laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leave him be, it’s comfy.” Jim rested his own cheek on Freddie’s stomach and kissed Maajid’s forehead. “Jesus, have you got indigestion or something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed softly and brushed his fingers through Jim’s hair. “I could do with some breakfast.” He chuckled. “Just hungry, that’s all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like a stampede of wildebeest.” He commented idly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that the medical term?” Freddie joked. “Maybe that’s why Maajid likes it. Remembers all the noises my stomach used to make.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That would make sense!” He agreed, glancing up and smiling at Freddie before he pushed himself up. “You look really beautiful this morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Freddie grinned shyly, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “I look like a rat drowned in grease.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t! You’ve got- you’re glowing.” His smile was a little soft around the edges, doped up with love, and he leaned down to capture his lips in a gentle kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re such a softy.” Freddie laughed, squeaking when Jim suddenly slipped his hands under his body and picked him up. “Where are we going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said you were hungry, so…” He sat Freddie on the kitchen table and wound his arms around his waist; he captured his lips in a long kiss, wanting to help him to recreate memories in areas of their home that had been sullied by his mistreatment at the hands of others. “Sweet or savoury?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that even a question?” Freddie asked, hopping off the table and retrieving Maajid quickly; Ejaz slept peacefully in his bassinet, and so Freddie decided to allow him to sleep a little longer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sweet, then?” Jim chuckled. “French toast?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You handsome bastard.” Freddie replied, making Jim burst out laughing as Freddie prepared a bottle for Maajid. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Should I make some for Maajid?” He offered. “A tiny little bit of chocolate never hurt anybody.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can make him up some chocolate oatmeal if you want.” Freddie took the bottle once it had warmed and sat cross-legged at the kitchen table, his baby in his lap, and offered him the bottle. “You know, this makes me a little sad these days. I-” He laughed at himself, gesturing to his face, where tears had welled in his eyes. “I won’t be doing this for much longer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby!” Jim crouched in front of him and kissed him softly, before he pulled away and gently wiped his eyes. “Even if you don’t need to bottle feed him, he’ll still want to cuddle with you. He still needs his daddy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just love this.” Freddie admitted. “It’s my favourite part of being a dad. Just sitting- sitting together, you know, all curled up. At first it felt like us against the world- we were cradling each other against everyone that wanted to hurt us, everyone that wanted to tear us apart from one another. When I was pregnant with him, I used to dream about looking in his little eyes and watching him feed every day…” He trailed off. “And last night I dreamt that he was all grown up, and he- he didn’t need me anymore, and I- he was the only reason I stayed alive, I worked so hard to keep us alive and healthy, and I- I can’t bear the idea that one day he won’t need me anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sat down on the floor at his feet. “Why did you go back to your dad when you’d got your life more settled? You didn’t need him, but you went anyway. Why was that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. “Because- because he’s my pop. I love him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And because he was comforting, right? It was nice to hug the man that you know loves you again, it was nice to be with him and feel like a part of his family again.” He suggested. “Am I right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie whispered. “I- I just wanted that hug from him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So why wouldn’t Maajid want that?” Jim smiled. “He’ll be forty-five and still coming home just to be hugged by his father. Family isn’t just about looking after each other’s physical needs, darling- it’s about looking after our emotional health, too. Even if he doesn’t need you to bathe him or feed him, he’ll still want you there to listen to him complain about his day or to talk about his new girlfriend or to show him how to swaddle his new baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just so fucking emotional at the moment.” Freddie laughed wetly, glancing down at his son. “I think I’m going to be like one of those people that’s just pregnant for the rest of my life. I like babies too much.” He grinned and rubbed his eye again. “Some crazy artist with forty cats and seventeen children.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think my salary can hold up to that.” He chuckled, leaning forward and kissing Freddie’s forehead before he stood up again. “Maybe you’ll find that you like having older kids even more. You can send Maajid to ballet classes and Ejaz to kickboxing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just find the whole- the growing up thing, it’s absolutely insane.” He smiled down at his son and rubbed the pad of his thumb over the curve of his little cheekbone. “One day he’ll talk and he’ll run and- and who knows, maybe he’ll be some champion bodybuilder and marry a model.” Freddie laughed and wiped his eyes again. “The idea that he has a future- does that not freak you out?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it’d be stranger if he stayed a little baby in your arms for the rest of his life.” Jim chuckled. “All I know is that you’re a wonderful father to him, my darling, and he’ll be very happy whoever he grows up into.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked as pale as a ghost, stood in the doorway of the lounge; his skin was illuminated only by the moonlight as it cut its way through the room in shafts of brightness, one seeming to cut Jim’s body in two as he lay in the quiet. The record he had playing was on low, the music blown through the room by intertwined strands of wind, carrying and mellowing the harmony to suit the ebb and flow of his mood; as he lay there, his eyes closed, his lips parted, a shock of dark hair painted against skin that had been made pale by the hours spent under hospital roofs, Freddie swore he could’ve been an angel. He looked iridescent in the moonlight, absorbing its light as a butterfly would the warmth of the sun, allowing it to clear him, to clean him, to wash away any mark that betray his angelic nature.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An angel- a guardian angel, Freddie swore, one with kind eyes and yet a fiery temper, one with gentle hands and a tongue that could cut a man in two. As he stepped closer, he could’ve vowed to have seen wings, his lover nestled in amongst the softness with which they cradled his body; in that moment, with no one looking at him, no one expecting anything of him, he could be who he truly was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie knelt down beside him, the cold wood biting through his thin pajama trousers, and laid his cheek against Jim’s chest, laying his head over where his heart beat loudest; he felt the quickening of his heartbeat as he woke, languid and lazy, and brought his fingers up to Freddie’s head. He scratched his scalp as though he were one of the cats, gentle and loving, and Freddie smiled as he pressed a little kiss to the fabric of his shirt. “Jim?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” He yawned, eventually opening one eye and smiling at the sight of his lover in the moonlight. “How long was I asleep for?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not long, my darling.” Freddie whispered, interlocking their fingers together and kissing his knuckles lovingly. “Baby, I need your help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand and nodded. “What do you need, darling?” He asked, voice thick with sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Listen, I- I might be crazy.” Freddie laughed a little, his breath crystalising in the cold night air, and looked down until one finger hooked under his chin and brought his head back up. “I’m- I’m going on a whim, and I- it was just the mood swings, you know, I started thinking. Thinking about how tired I’ve been, how- how strange I’ve been about letting people touch me, you know. And then I started thinking about the cat acting weirdly, and then Maajid, and I…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim frowned. “What is it, baby?” He asked. “What do you think?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I took a pregnancy test.” He whispered. “Well, I’ve taken like four, really, I just- I bought a pack from the pharmacy, just the shit ones, but…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyes flew back open and he sat up. “What?” He asked, beginning to laugh, though he covered his mouth with his hand. “Are you serious? You’re pregnant?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” He said quickly. “I haven’t- I’m waiting for them to show anything. I think it’s the longest five minutes of my life.” He laughed a little, his cheeks flushing pink. “I just thought- I thought you might want to look, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit.” Jim breathed, grabbing both of Freddie’s hands and pulling him to his feet quickly as they headed to the bathroom. He looked immediately, but shook his head. “They’re not showing yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s only been a couple of minutes.” Freddie murmured, sitting down on the bathroom floor and crossing his legs; he smiled when Jim sat beside him and wound an arm around his waist. “Sorry for waking you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be ridiculous.” Jim kissed his temple. “I thought you were taking contraception?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was. They thought- they didn’t know if it was interacting with the antiretrovirals when my load didn’t come down, though, so they took me off it for a while. I thought, you know, we were using condoms so it wouldn’t matter, I was due to go next week to get an injection now that the load has come down.” Freddie bit his lip. “They said we’d be fine as long as we used condoms.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve fucked up somewhere.” Jim chuckled and shook his head in disbelief, kneeling up again to look over the tests. “Still nothing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I’m not pregnant.” Freddie murmured. “I don’t know, I just thought- I feel so weird, you know, and I’m- I’m pretty well versed in these things now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim grinned back at him and pulled him into a kiss. “Do you want to be pregnant?” He asked gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- I don’t know?” Freddie said shyly. “I think so. I just- I just don’t want to fuck it up, if I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s been hard, baby.” Jim pulled him closer, until Freddie was sitting in his lap. “You’ve been so strong, my love, and I swear to you- if you are pregnant, there’s no fucking way in hell anyone is doing anything to you, not even if I have to personally wring Luca’s neck.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled shyly, glancing down at his hands, still bare. “I’ll take you to buy your ring tomorrow.” Jim told him, taking both of his hands in his own and kissing his ring finger. “I promise you, my love, we’ll do this properly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned up and kissed him, treasuring the way his hands held him so safe and secure; he felt so tethered to earth again, so stable, and he swore in that moment he knew the result. “Look again.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim carefully stood up, looking over the tests again, his heart pounding in his chest. “Freddie…” He whispered, his voice a little hoarse. “Freddie, baby, they’re- they’re positive.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s wide eyes met his and he scrambled to stand up. “All of them?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All of them.” He agreed. “Sweetheart, you’re pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit.” Freddie clasped his hands over his mouth and then picked up each test in turn. “Holy fucking shit, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re pregnant.” Jim started to laugh in disbelief, before he suddenly picked Freddie up. Freddie squeaked and then burst out laughing, winding his legs around Jim’s waist. “You’re pregnant, Freddie, we’re having a baby!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant.” Freddie whispered, looking incredulous as he looked at his fiancé. “I’m fucking pregnant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t fucking believe it.” Jim whispered. “I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go to Tesco.” Freddie laughed. “Go, go on, go and get me a better test- I need one that shows me the weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good idea.” He almost dropped Freddie in his scramble for his shoes, his keys, and his wallet, tugging on a pair of ratty trainers he only ever wore to go and retrieve their post. “I’ll be back- how many should I get? Two? Three?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Three.” Freddie agreed. “Just- just to be sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, just to be sure.” He agreed. “I’ll be- I don’t know, I’ll be as quick as I can-”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was stood in the hallway when Jim came back through, thrusting a bag into Freddie’s hand. “Jesus!” Freddie laughed. “Did you buy every test they had?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was like I couldn’t read.” He laughed. “Didn’t have the time to check the box on each one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie grinned as he found the ones he wanted and headed back towards the bathroom, Jim right on his heels. “Stay out here a sec, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” He asked immediately, pouting a little.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I don’t want you to watch me piss!” Freddie laughed, closing the door between them quickly. Jim stood right outside, bouncing from foot to foot as he listened to the sounds from the bathroom, his heart speeding up when he heard the running water that told him Freddie was washing his hands, that the result would be coming soon-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wish we’d had these to begin with, they’re way quicker.” Freddie laughed as he opened the door, handing the test over to Jim.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Two to three weeks.” He whispered. “Freddie, I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we should sue that doctor that told you you were infertile.” Freddie grinned and leaned up to kiss him, laughing when Jim’s hands immediately came down to touch his stomach. “I’m pregnant, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This feels like a fever dream.” He laughed breathlessly, pulling Freddie as close as he could. “You’re every single fucking one of my dreams come true, I swear-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed. “What, a mutant baby factory?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Jim whispered, clasping him tighter. “We’re having a baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Another one.” Freddie grinned against his lips. “Happy Thursday night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God.” He shook his head and laughed. “Very happy indeed.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>cue me having pregnancy test adverts on everything I look at for the rest of my adult life</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Photos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Freddie begins to open up.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Freddie’s footsteps were quiet on the carpet as he wandered over to Jim, sitting down beside him and nuzzling up against his side. Jim had noticed a quiet change in him over the past few days, an intense desire to cuddle up; whereas beforehand Freddie had enjoyed being able to sprawl out on his own sofa, finally allowed to take up space, to enjoy himself in whichever way he pleased, he was suddenly desperate to be as close as he could possibly be. When he spoke, he murmured the words directly against Jim’s skin. “Can I show you something?” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course you can, my love.” He whispered in reply, placing his book down on the coffee table and then pressing a kiss to his forehead. Freddie leaned to the side and lifted another book from the side table, a heavy, leather-bound photo album, and placed it in Jim’s lap; he glanced between it and Freddie’s face and then smiled. “What’s this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have a look.” Freddie whispered, laying his cheek against Jim’s shoulder as he opened the cover. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim turned the page slowly, revealing four photos, some clearer, some more obscured, of Freddie in various states; in one he smiled at the camera, his face enhanced with dark, sultry makeup; in another he laughed with a group of men around him, wearing nothing but a pair of cut off shorts; in another he lay amongst white sheets wearing only his underwear; in the last he sat on the lap of a man that Jim could only assume was Luca. He looked between all of them, his eyes sliding from one to the next and back, taking in all of what he was seeing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where did you get these?” Jim asked quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I kept them while I was in Liverpool.” Freddie told him, shivering until Jim wound his arm around him. “Because I- it was awful, I hated it, we were all being manipulated and abused- but these guys were my family for the longest time. And Luca- he encouraged us to make things like this- he wanted us to bond together, because then we all worked in harmony, and it made us less likely to try and escape, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim looked at the photo of Freddie, tapping the eyeliner with the pad of his finger. “Did you always wear makeup?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Most of the time.” He nodded. “I liked it. I looked God-awful then- I think you can probably tell.” Freddie pointed to the shirtless image of himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were fucking emaciated.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I lost my first baby, the nurse told me that even if I hadn’t been assaulted, I probably wouldn’t have been able to carry my baby to term. I was really fucking ill.” Freddie agreed. “Which was why they kept me in the hospital while they got me clean instead of doing it outpatient. I didn’t gain any weight in the beginning with Maajid, and so the team were worried that I wouldn’t be able to support him to his due date if they didn’t get it under control.” He started to smile. “It was ace, really. Once I wasn’t doing coke anymore, it stopped suppressing my appetite, so they basically just gave me food on tap for two weeks. I think they thought it might be a psych thing, you know, like a self-punishment thing, or whatever. It was just that I had no fucking money.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you went through that, sweetheart.” Jim whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was why I wore makeup a lot. You know, I could cover up the dark circles, I could make my face look- just sexier, Luca hated it when I looked tired or miserable or whatever.” He explained. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you wear it now?” Jim asked, flipping the next page and looking through the different photos. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reminds me too much of back then. I might- I don’t know, maybe I’ll try soon, but I- I’ve just been trying to separate from then, you know?” Freddie explained, and then pointed to a picture in the album. “That’s the first photo Luca took of me. I’m sixteen there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The best thing I ever did to that guy was blacken his fucking face.” Jim muttered. “You look so- so innocent.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was. That was my thing, you know, that’s what the guys that paid for me were into. It’s probably a good job they fucked me, really, and not some other kid.” He admitted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fucking disgusting.” Jim said honestly. “You didn’t deserve it either, Freddie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, I know.” He agreed. “But just like- at least I was consenting, you know? I know that the whole problem with what he did was that I didn’t- I didn’t want to be taken away, but once that’s your life- you just kind of get over it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus.” Jim whispered. When he turned the page, he saw an older Freddie, first sat on a cold stone floor with his head on the shoulder of another man, and then again in a hospital bed. “When was this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant with Maajid there.” He pointed to the first photo. “I mean, you can’t really tell, to be honest. But this guy- this was Alex. He was my closest friend, after Luca, he used to let me sleep with him in this car park that he found.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you said you had hotel rooms?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To work in. Then we’d have to clear out when we weren’t on call or out working the streets. He was a professional, you know, he had all the rooms cleaned each day so that we could charge more for them.” He explained. “So yeah, I’m probably- fifteen weeks, I think? Sleeping in a fucking car park.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maajid really is a miracle baby in some ways.” Jim said softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He really is. That was when I was in hospital with his abruption.” He pointed to the other photo. “And that- that was the last time I saw Alex. Because he came to me when I was so sick, and he tried to talk me into going back to Luca. And then I knew he didn’t really care about me- he just cared because he was loyal to Luca.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed his forehead wordlessly, glancing over at where Maajid lay on his stomach on the floor, building little towers with the blocks that Freddie had painted different colours. “It’s weird seeing you like this.” He admitted, pointing to a photo of Freddie, his makeup done, though most of his body was obscured by a heavy jacket he wore; he winked at the camera, stood on a street corner. “You look- you look happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s really weird.” Freddie murmured. “Like- I think that’s why people calling me a victim makes me feel so wrong. I kind of was- happy, I mean.” He admitted. “You know, I used to sit and do my makeup with some of the other guys and we’d be laughing, and we- sometimes we could forget how it was. It felt like we were getting ready for a night out together. We only really took photos of the good times- in the early hours of the morning where one of us had been knocked out by a customer and another one had been beaten half to death by Luca for losing money- we didn’t really bother to take photos then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded, stroking his fingers absentmindedly over Freddie’s waist. “It- it feels wrong to say, but I- I can understand why people would pay for you.” He admitted. “I don’t- I would never, but you really do look gorgeous. When you smile like that…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie yawned and rested his forehead against Jim’s arm. “I know what you mean.” He whispered. “Sometimes I struggle, you know, because I don’t feel pretty like I did back then. There was a weird, heady kind of confidence that you got when you were selling well.” He stretched out his arms, looking along the curves of his muscles. “The real world isn’t so good of a narcissistic trip.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you happier now?” Jim asked softly, putting the book to one side and pulling Freddie closer. “Honestly?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m safe now.” He whispered. “When I’m here, I don’t have to worry about doing things right. If I made my fucking bed wrong, he’d give me a black eye, but he’d always twist it so that it was my fault- it fucks with your head after a while.” He swallowed. “I used to feel like all of this- like it was some kind of temporary thing, you know? But I don’t feel like that anymore. I guess I’m just starting to think it through properly, starting to make head and tail of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad it feels like that, my love.” Jim murmured. “I know you said that you weren’t a fan of therapy-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to book another appointment.” Freddie nodded, guessing what he was about to suggest. “I don’t think I want to do anything too intensive. It just freaks me out, the whole idea of relearning how to think, reprocessing thoughts- I think I just need to get everything straight first.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just some talking therapy?” Jim suggested. “You don’t have to jump straight in with behavioural therapy. You can just start by going and talking things through.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I was thinking.” He agreed. “I just want to- I want to see if it’ll take some weight off my shoulders. Especially now I’m having a baby, I don’t want my hormones to fucking derail my mental health like they did with Ejaz, and I guess getting it all off my chest will be a good start.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie Bulsara, this is the smiliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life.” Honey laughed as she handed Ejaz back to Freddie, who was sat up on a hospital bed with Jim’s arm warm around his waist. “What baby smiles while he’s being weighed?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He does it all the time.” Jim laughed. “Sometimes Freddie just sits there and cuddles with him and Ejaz just smiles every time I look at them together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s absolutely gorgeous.” She chuckled. “He’s still a little on the underweight side, but it’s nothing dangerous- he’s put on a good amount since last time. Has everything been okay with him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s been awake a lot more.” Freddie told her. “We’ve been trying to take him out more and do more stuff with both of them- is that why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It could be. If he’s awake and moving more, he’ll be using more energy.” She agreed. “If he wants another feed during the day or night, I’d try giving it to him. Maybe some bigger bottles, too.” She suggested. “As I said, it’s nothing to worry about, darling, just keep doing what you’re doing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded and rocked the baby back and forth in his arms, glancing between him, Jim, and Maajid as he crawled across the floor. “Honey, darling?” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” She asked, sitting opposite them again. “Anything else I can do for you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- it’s awfully early to be letting you know, really. But Jim and I- we’re expecting another baby.” He said softly. “And I thought- I don’t know, just that I should tell you, with the history I’ve had and everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re pregnant?” She asked, beginning to smile. “Oh, darling, congratulations!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Freddie laughed shyly, looking down at Ejaz again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The test dated him between two and three weeks a couple of days ago.” Jim told her, kissing Freddie’s temple. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can do a proper dating scan a little later on.” She promised. “I tell you what, honey- would you mind coming in every two weeks like you were with Maajid?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can do that.” He nodded. “But- why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just think it’ll do you some good to have us keep a close eye on you.” She said honestly. “I think it’ll be best for you to have regular scans again, just to check that the baby’s growing and developing like we expect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Freddie murmured. “Will it- will it all be okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re in a much healthier place than you were when you were carrying your other children.” Honey told him. “This is just going to make sure that everything runs as smoothly as possible, darling. God knows that you deserve it.” She smiled. “Fourth time’s a charm, hey?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Acceptance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's making his own way.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hey, Freddie!” Taavi smiled, standing up and holding the door open for him; he cradled a portfolio in his arms, pages tucked haphazardly into the top, which he was trying his best not to let slip through his fingers. “It’s good to see you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for letting me rearrange.” Freddie grinned shyly back at him, cheeks flushing pink; he carefully put his portfolio down on the desk and then pushed his hair back from his eyes. “I ended up having to take the baby for an extra checkup, you know what it’s like.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean- thankfully, I don’t.” He chuckled. “I’ve got no idea how you do it. Two little ones have got to be a hell of a lot of work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie chuckled, his blush growing even darker, and unzipped his portfolio. “My fiancé’s at home most of the time at the moment, though. It means I’ve finally got time to chill the fuck out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And instead of chilling, you draw the world’s biggest portfolio.” He chuckled and sat back down behind his desk; Freddie watched his gentle fingers as he arranged some of his paintings out over his desk, and then his face as it split into a huge smile. “Oh, Freddie, these are incredible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” He laughed shyly, sitting down opposite him and crossing his legs. “I tried to do what you suggested- I did a lot more in watercolour especially. When I got more confident with the technique, you know, it felt a lot easier.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where were you learning your technique?” He asked, picking out a watercolour landscape and placing it between them. “You’ve improved a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was just practicing.” He said shyly. “You know, messing around, trying stuff out. I thought it’d be interesting to try and find my own style.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you been to art school before?” He asked bluntly, running his fingers down one of the lines of his landscape. “Quite frankly, it’s difficult to believe that all of this is self-taught.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled shyly and brushed his fingers through his hair. “I wanted to.” He said softly. “I didn’t- my father never wanted me to go to art school. But I had a wonderful art teacher at secondary school, and she taught me a lot of the fundamentals, you know, when to use oil or when to use acrylic, the better techniques for each, things like that. And that was before I went off the rails- if I had my time again, I’d do art school properly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t wait to tutor you properly.” Taavi grinned at him. “If I can’t get a piece of yours in the Southbank Centre by the end of your degree, I’ll personally give you all your tuition feed back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you really think you can do that?” Freddie asked, incredulous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.” He said certainly. “The thing is, Freddie, is that a lot of the artists of our generation will give us pieces of modern art, or textiles, or ceramics- a lot of people give up on traditional art like you create, because it’s awfully difficult to recreate something convincingly. So you find a saturation of modern artists in exhibitions these days, and the same ten traditional artists- and we can make you a part of that elite group.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie was speechless, his eyes beginning to well a little with tears, though he laughed and shook his head at himself; he closed his hands over his mouth in disbelief. “Sorry, I’m all emotional at the moment.” He smiled, wiping his eyes. “I can’t believe you really think that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned back at him. “Can I introduce you to somebody?” He asked, standing up suddenly and holding out his hand. “I think there’s somebody you’d love to meet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood up and followed him, clasping his hands together nervously as they walked through a series of doors. “Who is it?” He asked shyly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knocked on the door in front of them, smiling widely back at Freddie. “This, Freddie, is Madeline, the head of department for painting.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A young black woman sat behind a desk in the room in front of him, her hair haloing her head with its braids; when she looked up, she smiled, and Freddie watched as the glitter she wore on her cheekbones sparkled in the light. Freddie’s eyes widened, amazed, but he smiled back at her, his cheeks reddening. “Hi.” He said shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, darling!” She stood up and threw her arms around him immediately. “You, my wonderful little darling, are phenomenal. Has anybody told you that today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told him that he was incredible.” Taavi smiled at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had a look through the sketchbook that you left with us last time you were here.” Madeline told him, planting her hands on his shoulders. “It was absolutely wonderful, my lovely. I was blown away.” She smiled. “And that’s saying something, coming from me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He blushed even harder and smiled as he hugged his arms around his body. “Thank you.” He said shyly. “I’m just finishing up my portfolio for the application, there’s a lot of stuff in there that I think is a bit better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think if I see something that’s better than what you’ve already shown me, it might knock me out.” She joked, kissing his cheek. “Darling, I’m going to do something awfully unprofessional, and you’ll have to forgive me, won’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie frowned a little. “What is it?” He asked shyly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She held out a hand and smiled. “I’m going to welcome you to the Royal College of Art, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mouth fell open, his eyes widened, and he stared between her and Taavi. “Are you serious?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll still have to submit your portfolio.” Taavi explained, crossing his arms and leaning against the desk with a chuckle. “But it’s a matter of formality. As far as the team is concerned, you’re joining us in August.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit!” Freddie clasped his hands over his mouth. “Oh my God!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taavi laughed and hugged him gently. “I’m really looking forward to being your tutor.” He said honestly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You will be?” He asked incredulously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As I said-” He grinned back at him. “I’m going to get you into galleries.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>His portfolio crashed to the ground as soon as he got through his front door, followed by everything else in his arms, bags, keys, his wallet. His hands trembled as he pushed his way through the door into the lounge, spotting Jim on the floor, playing with both of their children-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And as soon as he saw them, he burst into tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim jumped up, frowning immediately and cupping Freddie’s cheeks in his hands. “Hey, hey, honey, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie threw his arms tightly around him and started to laugh, though the tears still dribbled down his cheeks. “I didn’t mean to- to cry.” He shook his head as he laughed again, covering his face with his hands. “Jesus- I’m a fucking mess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did everything go okay?” Jim checked, pressing a soft little kiss to his forehead. “Christ, honey, that gave me one hell of a fright.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” He murmured shyly, resting his cheek against Jim’s chest. “Jim, they- I got accepted.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows flew up. “You’re joking.” He said. “I thought they-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought too!” Freddie laughed wetly and rubbed his eyes. “They loved it, they loved the portfolio, they thought- they thought I was incredible, Jim, the head of department said I was phenomenal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim picked him up and swung him around in the air, making Freddie squeal with laughter; he grinned and wound his legs around Jim’s waist when they kissed, his cheeks warm with happiness. “I’m so fucking proud of you.” Jim said honestly. “So damn proud, baby. I fucking knew you could do it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It feels-” Freddie paused, resting his cheek on Jim’s shoulder. “Jim, I really feel like I’m- I’m doing something. Now I’ve got something- something I can show, you know? I’m not an ex-something, a has-been- I’ve got something of my own.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something you can show for your own merit.” Jim agreed. “Freddie, I really mean it- I’m so proud of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie blushed and hugged Jim hard. “I just feel like- maybe it’s because I’m pregnant, I don’t know, but I- I feel like I’m changing. I’m having a baby, I’m getting a degree- it’s all the stuff that I never thought I’d do, and now- I guess I just feel like I’m getting past it. Past what he did.” He explained. “He wanted to hold me back, and I haven’t let him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re being independent. You’re taking control of your own life.” Jim grinned, stroking his cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. “I can’t believe you’re three weeks pregnant, caring for two children, and you’re making art like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t do it without you.” Freddie murmured. “I couldn’t do it without your help, darling. You’re- you know, I’ve never said thank you properly for caring for Maajid for me. Because you didn’t have to do that for me- because he’s not your baby, but you care for him as if he really was yours, and I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can be a father to someone without having fathered them yourself.” Jim murmured. “Ejaz is yours, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s mine too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you don’t have to do that for us.” Freddie whispered. “But you do, baby, and I’m so grateful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you, butterfly.” Jim whispered. “You’ve given me things I thought I could only dream of. If I can help you be a success, my love, then know that I will do everything in my power.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Butterfly.” Freddie whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s your eyes. Sometimes, when you look at me in the middle of the night, they look so dark- they glitter, and it reminds me of a butterfly.” Jim whispered. “It was when you were feeding Ejaz this morning, and I was watching you- I know you thought I was asleep, but…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No one’s ever loved me like you before.” Freddie murmured. “Butterfly… do you know anything about butterflies?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that you make me think of one of those regal butterflies.” Jim smiled. “You’re just stunning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Freddie whispered. “I love you, Jim, I love you so much.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapters are going to be a little shorter for a while because I'm currently writing an 8,000-word thesis and all my words are being drained out of my soul</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Truths</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Coming clean.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Freddie!” Jim called, the sound of his footsteps thundering through the lounge as he ran into the hallway; Freddie squeaked as arms wound around him, warm and tight, and laughed at the kiss that was planted to the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, what’s gotten into you?” Freddie asked, laughing as he turned his head to the side and caught his lips in a kiss. “You scared the life out of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pressed him up against the wall and kissed him deeply, smiling against his lips when Freddie dropped his bags and wound his arms around his neck instead. Their apartment was quiet around them as they kissed, Freddie shivering a little from the breeze as it floated its way over his shoulders; he laughed when Jim hugged him tightly and closed his eyes. “This is a lovely hello.” Freddie whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you today.” Jim murmured, resting his chin on top of Freddie’s forehead. “Missed you so fucking much. I think I spent about an hour talking to Ejaz about the different colours in your hair and how they all light up in the evening when you sit in the sun.” He chuckled. “I love you so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re more hormonal than I am.” Freddie joked, leaning up and brushing his fingers through Jim’s hair. “Let me take my shoes off, darling, my feet are killing me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It looks like you’ve been to every shop in Kensington.” Jim laughed, picking up the bags and carrying them into the kitchen. “What have you bought?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honey gave me a list of shit I needed to buy to do this all properly.” Freddie kicked off his shoes and followed him into the kitchen. “So I bought-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Every type of pregnancy vitamin they had in Holland and Barrett, clearly.” Jim joked, laying them out on the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I’ve put weight on, but I’m still a fucking child that won’t eat my vegetables.” He laughed. “And Honey said something about folic acid. I don’t really know, but I feel like a midwife knows more about this shit than I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed and kissed his temple. “What else did you buy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ginger candies. Mama said that they’re good to help with sickness.” He explained, laying his cheek against Jim’s shoulder. “I mean, Honey’s going to sort out a prescription for the antiemetics I took in the beginning with Ejaz as well, because it was worse with Ejaz than it was with Maajid, and it might be worse again- I mean, it might be better, I don’t know. She just really wants me to keep eating the way I have been, and obviously the sickness isn’t going to help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That definitely makes sense.” Jim moved to stand behind him and rested his hands gently on the top of his hips, smiling to himself. “Anything else?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bought this for Ejaz, just because it was cute and in his size-” Freddie pulled a little sleepsuit out of one of the bags, white and patterned with pale grey elephants.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s so fucking cute!” Jim grinned, taking it from him and holding it in the palm of his hand. “Can I put him in this after his bath?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Knock yourself out.” Freddie chuckled, tilting his head up just to catch the look of gentle wonder that was held in Jim’s eyes as he looked down at the little sleepsuit in his hands. “I bought an eye-mask as well, because when you’re back at work, I’ll have to try and sleep around when the kids are awake- and God knows, this baby, if he’s as bad as the others when it comes to morning sickness at three in the morning-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s face softened further. “He?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They.” Freddie corrected himself quickly. “Sorry, it’s like an automatic thing with the boys-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think we’re having another boy?” Jim asked softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled softly and cupped Jim’s cheek, kissing him softly. “My love, I don’t have a clue.” He admitted. “I didn’t even know what flavour Ejaz was until I had him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled and shook his head a little. “But do you think?” He asked again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like him to be a boy?” Freddie asked in return. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re saying him.” Jim grinned excitedly. “You do think he’s a boy!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Answer my question!” Freddie laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would absolutely love another little boy, my darling.” Jim leaned in and kissed him indulgently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I seem to have a talent for making boys.” Freddie laughed shyly as Jim kissed both of his cheeks. “I don’t know, darling, I don’t- I don’t especially feel anything yet. I don’t feel different in my body at all yet- it’s all in my mind. Right now it’s just hormones.” He laughed. “I wouldn’t take anything I say too seriously.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Jim murmured softly. “I was thinking today- you know, it’s just incredible that we’ve managed to do this again- because I thought I’d never have kids, and now- now you’ve given me two children, and I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re more hormonal than I am!” Freddie joked, wiping Jim’s eyes lovingly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just feel like-” He laughed wetly when Freddie kissed his cheek. “You know, I fucked up looking after you when you were pregnant before- and this feels like the world is giving me a chance to do it again, to make amends and do it better this time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey.” Freddie murmured sympathetically. “It’s okay, my darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just-” Jim swallowed and bit his lip. “I remember you saying that- that it upset you that no one else was excited when you were pregnant with Maajid, that no one- no one wanted to feel as he kicked. And I left you while you had Ejaz, and I- I should’ve been there for you, you know? I should’ve been the one who was excited with you- I shouldn’t have just left you. I never gave you a choice, because you- you couldn’t escape it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s all in the past, my love.” Freddie whispered, leaning up to kiss the worries from his lips. “You’re here now, aren’t you? It’s much better to focus on how we can do this properly this time, instead of worrying about how we did it last time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad you let in again.” Jim whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is me, darling.” Freddie laughed. “You know I could never say no to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim gently touched Freddie’s stomach, gentle and reverent, making him smile sweetly. “Did you buy anything else?” He asked softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nicotine gum.” He smiled wryly. “I can’t lie to you, honey- after you left, even though I was having Ejaz, I went back to the cigarettes. And I thought- you know, as long as I didn’t smoke in the house, it’d be alright. But I know I shouldn’t while I’m pregnant- well, I shouldn’t at all, really, not with the state of my health.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim frowned, gently running his thumb along Freddie’s cheekbone. “What do you mean- your health?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got the kind of heart that you probably saw in your labs at med school.” Freddie shook his head. “The last thing I need is something else to clog my arteries when they’re already rock hard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim kissed his forehead gently. “I’m really glad you’re trying to get healthier.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been through more traumatic births than anybody should have to go through in their whole life. I just- I want this to go smoothly, you know? And, for fuck’s sake, I’m a grown adult, and I’m a father- I can’t go around thinking I’m invincible anymore. Because I never was invincible- I’ve got the medical records to prove it.” Freddie shook his head. “I’ve got a future now, and I’d be a fucking idiot to lose it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pulled him into a kiss and held him close for a long moment. “Did you go back to the coke when I left?” He asked softly. “Honestly? I won’t be angry, baby, I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie whispered. “Only a handful of times- five or six, maybe. And I-” He paused, taking a deep breath, and then sighed. “I did it a few months ago, too. You were at work, my parents had Maajid, Ejaz was still in hospital- I knew as soon as I came down that I’d fucked up, and I haven’t done it since.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded quietly. “How long ago was that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think Ejaz was about a month old.” He murmured. “It was a shit high. I was absolutely fucking paranoid because I was at home and I was completely convinced that you were going to walk through the door and find me, so I did another couple of lines and I went out- I can’t even remember where. I think I came down in Holland Park. But the crash was fucking awful, because I hadn’t done it for so long, and so I scored more, and just before I did it, I had a nosebleed, and I remember thinking that I was being a fucking idiot.” He looked down at the floor. “I threw up, it made me feel so awful, and I was- I could feel my heart going fucking mental. And after bad binges, you know, I’ve had seizures, and I thought- I thought what the fuck, what am I doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim sat down on one of the kitchen chairs, staying quiet for a moment as he took in everything that he was saying. “Was that the day you came into minors?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Freddie sat down opposite him, running his thumb back and forth over the soft fabric of the sleepsuit that sat between them on the table. “I was having palpitations. And I- you probably know this, you’ve probably read my file, but I’ve got </span>
  <span>atherosclerosis, and I was thinking- I was thinking I’d done it, you know, I’d ruptured something that was going to kill me.” He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “It was all fine, it was just the combination of the comedown and the paranoia, but it really made me sit and think about what the fuck I was doing. Because it could’ve been a fucking heart attack in some park in Kensington when no one knew where I was- and that could’ve been the end for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why did you do it?” Jim asked gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a dumb answer- it’s because I wanted to be high.” He admitted. “I wanted the fucking dopamine. I wanted to stop feeling like I was a loser with no future.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, honey.” Jim murmured. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned down and picked up Maajid when he crawled over to them, sitting him on his knee. “The reason I loved cocaine was how incredible it makes you feel.” He murmured. “You know, I was having sex all the time while I was high, and it was just like- like the pleasure centres in my brain were just going mental constantly. My whole body used to buzz with how good I felt. And ever since- ever since I’ve come off of it, I just feel like- like there’s no dopamine left in my body. Like I’ve used up my lifetime’s supply.” He bounced Maajid idly. “And sometimes it feels like I’ll never be happy again. Because even- even when I’m happy, it’s just so dull in comparison to how I used to feel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim took his free hand and gently kissed his knuckles. “Have you told the team at the hospital?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They put me on antidepressants after I had Ejaz, but they were shit.” He murmured. “They just made me sick and kept me awake, so I stopped taking them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “You stopped taking them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was like dealing with morning sickness but without being pregnant.” Freddie told him. “And I thought- I was fucking sick to death of going back and forth to the hospital, the amount of blood tests that they’ve been taking for HIV, having to take the kids forward and backward, I just didn’t want to have to go back to talk about pills. I figured the dose wasn’t even that high in the first place, so I stopped taking them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim ran his thumb back and forth across his knuckles, nodding slowly. “I think you should go back to Blair and tell her you’re not taking them.” He said honestly. “You’ve got an imbalance in your brain- different pills might help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sick of medicine.” Freddie admitted. “I’m fucking sick of being in the middle of fourteen different hospital teams. I’m sick of pills and tests and scans and questions- I’m sick of questions.” He let out a long sigh. “I just want to be normal, for fuck’s sake. I want to have three scans and for them all to be fine, I don’t want targets and goals and all that- you know what I mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I understand.” Jim promised. “But I don’t think it’s the best idea for you right now, baby. If you want to feel normal in the long run, you need to help yourself to get to that point.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up, his big eyes meeting Jim’s, and Jim felt encouraged by the sudden attention he was paying. “I know it’s hard.” Jim went on. “But think about it- if you spend the next few weeks having your scans, and we see everything is going well, you’re putting on the weight you need to be, the baby is growing perfectly, then you won’t need to have them as frequently later on. If you grit your teeth and get through medication appointments, and the shitty side effects at the beginning, then your mental health will hopefully start improving, and then you won’t need to see the team apart from if you want to. If you keep taking your antiretrovirals, then your load will come down, and then you’ll barely need to see the sexual health team.” He explained, his voice gentle and soothing; he forced himself not to get frustrated, not to take it out on Freddie, to be more gentle and compassionate. “You could give it all up now, but what’s the point if you’re just going to feel stuck at rock bottom for the rest of your life?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie sat quietly for a moment, and Jim saw for the first time just how tired he looked, how exhausted both his body and his mind were. “Why don’t you have a lie down?” Jim offered, changing the topic. “You look like you could do with a rest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood up, cradling Maajid close, but looked back at Jim. “You’re right.” He said softly. “About- you know, all of it. You’re right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Jim asked softly, standing up and winding an arm around his waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll make an appointment to talk about pills with Blair.” Freddie murmured tiredly. “I guess there’s no point taking folic acid and vitamin d if I still feel like I don’t want to get up in the morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey-” Jim rested his hands on both of his shoulders to look him in the eye. “Listen to me, darling. You’re a wonderful father.” He said earnestly. “And you’re an incredible fiancé. I’m not saying you should do it to become a better person- I just want you to see that you’re as much of a wonderful person as the Freddie I see.” He paused for a moment. “And thank you for telling me about all of that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at him, biting his lip hard though a tear still dribbled down his cheek. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim hugged him close. “It’s okay, my darling, everything’s okay.” He whispered. He carefully led Freddie over to the sofa, letting him put Maajid down on the floor before he pulled Freddie close against his chest. “Were you worried about telling me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want you to leave.” Freddie whispered hoarsely. “I just feel so- so angry with myself, like I’m some kind of fucking failure that can’t control himself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hush, my love, it’s okay.” He held him close, warm and safe and secure, giving him a place to let go. “I don’t think that at all. I’m impressed that you’ve only relapsed a handful of times.” He said honestly. “Considering that you’ve done this mostly on your own, with Luca swiping at you every two minutes, looking after kids, without being in any kind of facility- I would say that the statistics are stacked against you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie leaned tiredly against him. “I swear, this baby is making me into a fucking mess.” He murmured, trying to lighten the mood a little as he wiped his eyes. “I think you’re right about that lie down.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re probably a bit over-tired, sweetheart.” Jim murmured, letting him drop the subject. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I just lie here for a while?” Freddie murmured. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course you can.” Jim agreed. “Can I get you anything? A cup of tea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’d be nice.” Freddie smiled a little. By the time Jim came back into the room, Maajid on his heels, Freddie was already nearly asleep; he made a soft sound as Jim swept him into his arms and draped a blanket over his cold skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take some time to relax, baby.” Jim murmured. “I’ve got you, I’ve got the kids, so don’t you worry about a thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie closed his eyes and settled against Jim’s chest, listening to the gentle rustle of the pages of his book as he picked it up; for the first time in a long while, he allowed himself to go boneless, to finally relax in Jim’s arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The evening sunshine splashed its way beautifully over the inner London skyline that evening; the light glinted off of every window, glossy and iridescent off of every panel of metal, casting its way in rainbows through glasses of water left on windowsills. Jim’s feet splashed their way through the sunset as it glistened in the water, the bottle of milk in his hand opalescent in the sunshine, and the baby in his arms warmed by its light; his cheeks were reddened by its glow, leaving him warm and at peace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie broke his way through the ripples of the water, the smile on his face wide and happy; the sun clutched to his eyelashes in droplets of water, illuminating the highlights of his face. “You were absolutely right about this.” He laughed, a little breathless, and stretched his arms overhead. “I feel amazing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How many lengths have you done?” Jim asked, placing the bottle down and winding Ejaz gently. “Fifteen?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Twenty-five!” Freddie laughed. “The water feels amazing today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it helping your head?” Jim asked gently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a good way to relax.” He agreed, brushing his hair back from his face. “Honey said it’d be good for me to exercise while I’m pregnant, and I kind of scoffed at the idea- but I could definitely do this most days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s good for your heart, as well.” Jim pointed out. “You can go for a full health kick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, does eating broccoli, taking vitamins, and going for a swim count as a health kick?” Freddie grinned, idly treading water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be drinking green smoothies in no time.” Jim joked, glancing over at Maajid, who was asleep on one of the sunbeds. “You look really happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel a lot better than I did earlier.” He nodded. “It’s kind of- taking things into my own hands, you know? I can bemoan what happened to me, and how it makes me feel, but I always feel better when I start actually doing things that make me feel better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I take you out on a date?” Jim asked abruptly. “I’ve been thinking about- we’re engaged and we’ve got two kids, and I’ve never taken you out on a proper date.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to blush and smiled shyly. “I can’t drink, though.” He said softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought-” Jim’s cheeks pinkened. “Do you want to go to a dessert bar?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie arched an eyebrow and smiled, his blush matching his fiancé’s. “What is that?” He asked shyly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cocktails and cake.” Jim murmured, touching the bottle back to Ejaz’s lips, before he glanced back at Freddie through his hair. “I mean- mocktails, obviously, we’ll take it virgin. But just some nice drinks and a lot of chocolate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like absolute heaven.” Freddie whispered reverently. “You really want to take me there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As long as you want to go.” He grinned shyly. “I would have loved to have taken you out properly, you know, at the beginning- but it’s better late than never, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie stood quietly for a moment, looking at the baby in his lover’s arms, and then smiled. “No one’s ever taken me out on a date before.” He whispered. “Are you- are you sure you want to?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Baby, I love you.” Jim murmured. “I’ve never been so sure of anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie touched his stomach absentmindedly. “Getting pregnant to you was the best fucking thing I’ve ever done.” He laughed softly, shaking his head a little. “Jesus Christ.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The best thing you’ve ever done is believe in yourself enough to get away from Luca.” Jim said seriously. “The kids are just- one hell of a bonus.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re one hell of a bonus.” Freddie murmured. “Do you think I’d be living in a luxury penthouse apartment in Chelsea about to attend the Royal College of Art if I hadn’t met you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s smile was love-struck, a little dopey around the edges. “I feel like you’ve become who you’re supposed to be.” He said shyly. “I love you so much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, my darling.” Freddie smiled, pushing off the side of the pool and racing back through the water, sending cerulean ripples lapping at Jim’s ankles. He watched him idly, his mind caught between the gentle flow of the water and the sound of the baby drinking from his bottle; Ejaz’s little fingers grasped his own eagerly and dark brown eyes blinked up at him, happy and content to be cared for by his father. He looked back at Freddie, admiring the figure of him as he swam, and when he finally came back up for a break he smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me see your stomach.” Jim murmured, reaching for his hand to help him climb up onto the side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s nothing to see.” Freddie laughed, pulling down the hem of his shorts just a little to show off his stomach. “Unless you just want an eyeful of stretch marks and my scar.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve healed really well.” Jim touched the faint mark of his scar and smiled. “I think you do have a bump, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I absolutely don’t.” Freddie laughed as he looked down at himself. “Washboard abs, darling, I could practically be an athlete.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim laughed. “No, but here-” He pointed to a spot on his lower stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To say you’re a doctor, you don’t have a fucking clue where you first show when you’re pregnant.” Freddie snorted. “That’s just because I’ve put on weight, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It could be!” He protested, though he was laughing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s more likely to be the packet of biscuits you bought that you didn’t get to eat any of.” Freddie snorted and lay down, his back warm against the cool tiles beside the pool. “This might actually be my favourite part of our home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think my favourite part is having a bathtub in our bedroom.” Jim chuckled. “Or maybe the espresso machine you bought me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told you I buy good gifts!” Freddie laughed delightedly. “There’s just something so impossibly decadent about this house.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just love having a place of our own.” Jim admitted. “You know, it’s not me moving in with you or you moving in with me- it’s our own place, together. You know, we did all this together, and I just- I love that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you had told me, the day before I met you, that in a year’s time, I’d be pregnant with my fourth child, living here, doing what we’re doing- I would have laughed in your face.” He said honestly. “That I would be back in school, that I would be in a stable relationship- I would never have believed you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t have believed you if you’d told me I’d have the guts to split from Jamie.” He said honestly. “We were together for so long, and I- I used to believe that no one would love me except him. And when you came along, you- you made me realise that I didn’t have to settle for what I thought I deserved.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The fact that you see me like that is crazy.” Freddie said honestly. “I always feel like I’m such a downgrade from him- you know, a normal boyfriend with a stable job. And now you’ve got an ex-junkie baby machine sponging off of you while I go back to school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you know how much that doesn’t represent what I see you as?” He arched an eyebrow. “I never see you as an ex-junkie, and I certainly don’t see you as somebody sponging off of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am a baby machine, though, admit it.” Freddie laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The fact that you can get pregnant really isn’t the thing I love most about you.” Jim said softly. “Do you know what my favourite thing is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled shyly. “No, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never felt love like yours before.” He said honestly. “Because you- you always want to be with me, near me, just cuddling or- I don’t know, you want to tell me about a painting you’re doing. Even if you don’t want to talk, you look at me all the time, and it’s like- the way that you look at me makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world to you. And I- no one has ever wanted me like that before.” He admitted. “I’ve never been- I don’t know, needed like that. I’m not saying that you need me, obviously, but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know what you mean.” Freddie smiled shyly, moving until his head was cushioned on Jim’s thighs. “It’s because I find you- you’re so reassuring. It’s like when I wanted you while I was in hospital- it’s because you’re so safe. I knew I could trust that you’d look after me properly. And I- I’ve never had someone to lean on before. I’ve never had the chance to trust someone enough to look after me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So it’s really not anything about the kids to me.” Jim whispered. “I love them, of course I do, but I love you for you, Freddie.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Tiffany</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Understated elegance, and a surprise visitor.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was three o’clock in the morning when Jim rolled over in bed and found Freddie’s side cold; his arm smacked the dishevelled pile of blankets beside him and he frowned as he rubbed his eyes awake. He yawned as he sat up, propping himself up on his elbows as he listened for any sign of life in their home, and then stood up once he recognised the hum of the bathroom fan.</p><p> </p><p>“Freddie?” He murmured sleepily, squinting into the crack of light that came from the half-open door. “Baby, are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie turned to look at him, smiling a little shyly as he shakily sipped some water. “I’m alright, love.” He whispered hoarsely. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you sick?” He asked, voice full of concern as he came closer to Freddie.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m pregnant, darling.” Freddie laughed a little, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He smiled when Jim pulled him into a hug, gently kissing his forehead, though he winced a little when he pulled him closer. “Don’t squeeze me, darling, I’ll throw up on you.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim frowned and held him more gently. “Are you feeling that rough?” He whispered.</p><p> </p><p>“Happy first trimester.” Freddie laughed roughly, rubbing his eyes. When Jim let him go, he sat down on the bathroom floor, resting his cheek tiredly against his knees as he hugged them to his chest. “You may as well go back to bed, love, I think I’ll be here a while yet.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim frowned and sat down beside him, rubbing small circles on his lower back to soothe him. “I’ll stay with you, darling, don’t worry.” He promised, kissing his temple. “How long have you been here for?”</p><p> </p><p>“Couple of hours.” He murmured, resting his head on Jim’s shoulder. “It’s fine, honestly, it was like this with the other two-”</p><p> </p><p>“Hang on, baby, stay here a second.” Jim whispered, standing up and disappearing back into the bedroom for a second. When he came back, he held a box and a bottle of tablets, and a bottle of water in his other hand. “Can you take one each of these for me?”</p><p> </p><p>“What are they?” Freddie asked, reaching for the tablets in his hand, though the sudden movement made him feel queasy once again. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying his best to smile comfortingly at Jim.</p><p> </p><p>“So this is an antihistamine.” Jim pointed to the box. “And if you take it with vitamin B6, it can help you not feel so sick.”</p><p> </p><p>“How does that work?” Freddie asked, sipping a little water before he swallowed the first tablet, willing himself to keep it down when nausea arose in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>“Breathe, baby, you’re okay.” He murmured soothingly. “We don’t really know, but it’s been tested to check it’s safe when you’re pregnant.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie nodded, coughing a few times, though he wasn’t sick again, and eventually took the other tablet. “I’m seeing Honey in a couple of days, I’ll get her to prescribe me something then.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim gently stroked his hand back and forth across Freddie’s shoulder. “This’ll probably make you feel really drowsy, love, but don’t worry.” He murmured. “If you fall asleep here, I’ll take you to bed, I’ve got you.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim got a few more sips of water into him before Freddie was nearly asleep against his shoulder from a combination of medicine and sleeplessness; he carefully looped his arms under Freddie’s body and picked him up gently, trying his best not to jolt him and make him feel any worse. “Jim-” Freddie murmured.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got you, my love.” He repeated. “I’m taking you back to bed, sweetheart, don’t you worry about a thing.”</p><p> </p><p>He lay Freddie down gently in bed and covered him over with their duvet, propping his comfort blanket up by his cheek before he lay back down beside him and threw an arm over his waist. He waited a few minutes, until Freddie’s breath had fallen into the gentle lull of sleep, and then closed his eyes.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Dada!” Maajid squeaked, launching himself out of Jim’s grasp and crawling over to Freddie as soon as he entered the room; Freddie laughed as he picked up his baby and kissed him on both cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi, baby!” He sang, looking gorgeous and relaxed in his sweatpants and t-shirt, riding up just a little to show off his stomach as he sat Maajid on his hip. “God, I can’t believe he’s big enough to do this now.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim lay on his back on the floor and watched Freddie, unashamedly admiring him with a smile. “Baby wanted to play trains.”</p><p> </p><p>“Have you been playing trains with your Pop?” Freddie asked Maajid, smiling when the baby beamed at him. “Oh, you’ve been having all the fun while Daddy’s been fast asleep!”</p><p> </p><p>Jim stood up when he heard the rustle of blankets in Ejaz’s bassinet and took him into his arms, walking over to Freddie. “Hey, snap.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not snap, I’m carrying two kids.” Freddie laughed and rested a hand on his stomach. “Hey- thanks for this morning, my love. You really didn’t have to do that for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not going to leave you to throw up if I know how to make it stop, baby.” Jim said softly, kissing his lips gently. </p><p> </p><p>Ejaz sneezed loudly between them and Freddie laughed as he looked down at his son. “Good morning to you too, darling!” He joked, leaning down and kissing his forehead. His eyes met Jim’s again and he smiled shyly. “Have they been okay while I’ve been asleep?”</p><p> </p><p>“Really good. Maajid had a bottle and a bit of fruit for his breakfast, and Ejaz had a full bottle and a bit of another.” He told him, his voice rich and warm with pride. “Maajid will probably want something else in a bit, but Ejaz woke up and so I mostly just left him to feed himself the finger food he wanted while I fed Ejaz.”</p><p> </p><p>“I do that all the time.” Freddie laughed and sat down on the sofa, letting Maajid crawl out of his arms and go back to the train set. He leaned back and let out a long breath, resting his hands on his stomach. “Jesus, if I didn’t know I was pregnant already, today would be the day I realised.”</p><p> </p><p>“How does it feel?” Jim asked, moving to sit beside Freddie and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. </p><p> </p><p>“I feel like my body’s been beaten up.” He laughed. “I’m sore. And just- I guess it’s the morning sickness, but psychologically, I just feel pregnant today. I feel like my stomach should be out to here.” He held his hands out to show off how big his bump had been in his later stages with Maajid. “I feel like I should be waddling around.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim grinned and rested his cheek against Freddie’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you’re pregnant.” He whispered, touching Freddie’s stomach reverently. </p><p> </p><p>“Me neither.” Freddie smiled. “Is it weird to say that I kind of can’t wait to give birth properly? Because Maajid was so rushed, it was accelerated, and Ejaz was emergency caesarean- I kind of can’t wait to see what it’s like to do it properly.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just can’t wait to do all of this properly.” Jim smiled as he paused for a second. “But I guess- we already are, aren’t we? We keep on talking about how we can’t wait to do it properly- but we already are. You already are.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie smiled sweetly, his cheeks flushing pink. “What, because I’m taking a multivitamin?” He laughed. </p><p> </p><p>“Because you’re looking after yourself.” Jim kissed his shoulder. “You’re looking after our baby, at the same time as looking after our other babies.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie took Ejaz from Jim and cuddled him close as he listened. “Hey, once I get to thirty weeks, you’re on your own.” Freddie joked. “I’m just not going to move for the last ten weeks. I’ll shout orders at you from the sofa.”</p><p> </p><p>“Deal.” Jim grinned. “I’ll remember to get the time off work.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie smiled shyly and took Jim’s hand, kissing his knuckles gently. “Speaking of that, my love- what are you planning with that?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m probably going to have to go back for a couple of months while you’re in your second trimester.” He said honestly. “But I’m going to apply for a proper career break when you hit the third trimester. I’m going to apply for at least a year, I’ll try for eighteen months- it’s not paid, but between the both of us, I think we’ve got enough money to keep going that long. Three kids under the age of two is going to be one hell of a handful.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll definitely need to get back on contraceptives then.” Freddie chuckled, rubbing his hand back and forth over his stomach. “Darling, do you- do you mind if we keep it a little quiet for now?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course we can.” Jim kissed his cheek. “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“Just- you know, I’ve had more than my share of complications. And I was speaking to Honey, and she said- just, you know, I’m at a higher risk of miscarrying, especially in these first few weeks. And I just want to make sure that when we tell people, I’m not jumping the gun- I’d hate to then have to tell people I’m not pregnant anymore.” He admitted, his voice turning a little quiet. “Just- you know, wait until I’m about twelve weeks. I’ll probably be showing a bit by then anyway, I won't be able to keep it much of a secret.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, baby, don’t you worry.” He murmured, winding his arm around Freddie’s waist and pulling him closer. “We’ll go as easy as we can on you, okay? Anything you don’t feel up to, I’ll do. Whether it’s- I don’t know, the washing up hurts your back, I don’t mind.” He smiled comfortingly.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.” Freddie murmured, taking both of Jim’s hands in his own and squeezing them gently. “I- I think this is going to take a little bit of me adjusting, you know? I’ve done my other pregnancies on my own, and so- well, if you see me being ridiculous, and trying to do something I shouldn’t, please tell me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Obviously.” Jim grinned, pulling him closer and kissing his temple. “I bought you a present, lovely.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie looked up quickly, his eyes wide and excited. “Wait, why?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I felt like it.” He laughed. “I just feel like- there’s so much we haven’t done together, you know? And I keep seeing things that I’d love to buy for you, but I don’t get them because I always get worried that I don’t know your taste and that you won’t like it- but I thought, you know, I was pretty sure you’d like this.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie scrambled to turn to face him, his face the picture of happiness and disbelief as Jim pulled out a little box. “What’s that?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not your engagement ring. We’re still going to go and get those together.” Jim promised quickly. “Take it, baby, have a look.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie took the box and held his breath as he opened it, his cheeks turning bright red as he looked down at an elegant diamond necklace that sat on its velvet cushion. “Holy shit.” He murmured breathlessly. “Jim, what the fuck?”</p><p> </p><p>Jim laughed as he took in the beautiful expression on Freddie’s face. “I thought I’d just keep it simple.” He said softly. “Just the solitaire diamond pendant.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is this a real diamond?” Freddie asked, looking up quickly at Jim.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a Tiffany, darling.” Jim smiled softly.</p><p> </p><p>Freddie blushed a little. “What’s that?” He whispered shyly.</p><p> </p><p>“They’re a luxury diamond brand.” He explained, rubbing his hand over Freddie’s waist. “I just thought it was so elegant- it made me think of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Tears welled in Freddie’s eyes, though he smiled widely. “You think I’m elegant?” He asked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, love!” Jim leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “You should see how you look when you’re behind your easel. How it looks when you hold your hands out to frame your painting or lift your brush- your hands are gorgeous, darling.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie placed Ejaz down on the sofa and catapulted himself into Jim’s lap, hugging him so hard he thought that he would suffocate; Jim laughed as he hugged him back tightly, pressing a kiss to the mess of curls against his lips. “I love you so much.” Freddie murmured, his voice thick and his lips brushing Jim’s throat. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, honey.” Jim whispered, taking the box from Freddie’s hand and gently taking out the necklace. “Hold your hair out the way for me, my love.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie sat in his lap and carefully gathered the ends of his hair into his hands, giving Jim the chance to carefully clasp the necklace around his throat. “This is beautiful.” He whispered.</p><p> </p><p>“I want you to feel like you’re allowed nice things.” Jim murmured, kissing his cheek. “I want you to feel at home with pretty things and little luxuries.”</p><p> </p><p>“This isn’t a little luxury.” Freddie whispered, his fingers touching the pendant gently. “It’s a diamond, Jim.”</p><p> </p><p>“And you’ll have more on your fingers soon, so you better get used to it.” Jim chuckled and hugged him around the waist. “I like spoiling the people I love, darling, so you better get used to diamonds and silk.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jim…” Freddie murmured, voice soft and airy.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you like that idea?” Jim asked with a smile, kissing the join between his neck and his shoulder. “A pretty silk robe that you can walk around the house in?”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds perfect.” He whispered, turning to look at him. “But I- are you sure you want to spend that on me? You should have that, you worked for it.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re working for it too. You can’t pretend that you’re not putting a hell of a lot of work in with our little ones and your art.” Jim kissed his neck. “You know, one day you’ll be in galleries all around the world and flying me everywhere, and I won’t have to work again a day in my life.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie rolled his eyes playfully. “If you look out of the window, you can see pigs flying.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.” Jim murmured, softening his voice a little. “You could do it, you know? I’m not just saying it because I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not that good, love.” Freddie smiled shyly. “I doubt I’ll ever be in a gallery.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, so you think you got onto a programme at the Royal College that you’re not technically qualified to do, before applications even opened, because you’re not that good?” Jim prompted.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean…” Freddie trailed off, his cheeks turning pink. </p><p> </p><p>“Say something nice about yourself.” Jim requested, stroking his fingers through Freddie’s hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Jim-” Freddie whined playfully, rolling his eyes when Jim arched his eyebrow. “Fine. I am a pretty good artist.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll knock some self-confidence into you if it kills me.” Jim kissed his cheek and carefully moved him off of his lap before he stood up. “Right, I made shakshuka for breakfast, so I hope you’re hungry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Your cooking is to die for, darling, I’m always hungry.” Freddie smiled sweetly, watching Ejaz as he crinkled the toes of a soft toy. “Thank you, darling.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The front of Freddie’s shirt was soaked, his son having splashed water not only all over the bathroom floor, but all over Freddie himself; the baby screeched with laughter, crawling from one end of the bathtub to the other, chasing after all the rubber ducks that Freddie had thrown in alongside him. His hair was still a mess of bubbles, but he refused to sit still long enough for his curls to be rinsed, flailing and screeching every time Freddie brought a handful of water anywhere near him. </p><p> </p><p>“Jim?” Freddie called, sitting back on his heels and laughing to himself. “Jim, darling?”</p><p> </p><p>Jim appeared in the doorway to the bathroom, a tea towel thrown over one shoulder, and grinned at the sight of two of his boys together. “What can I do for you?”</p><p> </p><p>“I need you to hold this baby in place so that I can rinse his fucking hair.” Freddie laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“Pa!” Maajid squeaked excitedly as Jim knelt beside Freddie and gently held onto Maajid’s waist. </p><p> </p><p>“Jesus, this kills your knees, doesn’t it?” Jim laughed as Freddie quickly rinsed Maajid’s hair. </p><p> </p><p>“Ever since you bought me that bath kit and baby box for Maajid- Jesus, what’s that, a year ago? But this kneeling pad-” Freddie gestured to the floor. “I use this religiously. It’s tattered to fuck now, but it’s worth its weight in gold.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’ll take you to get another one when we get the chance. God knows we’ll be doing this for years yet.” Jim chuckled, lifting Maajid out of the bath and wrapping him in his towel. </p><p> </p><p>Freddie dried his hands off on his towel and frowned when he heard a knock on their front door. “Are you expecting anybody?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” Jim frowned, standing up with Maajid in his arms. “You’re not, then?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” Freddie shook his head. “I’ll go and answer it, it might be a parcel or something.”</p><p> </p><p>Jim stayed behind him as he went to answer the door, a little wary of who it could be; after the police had come to their home, he couldn’t quite trust everything to be okay. Freddie pulled open the door, opening his mouth to speak-</p><p> </p><p>“Darling!” A woman called, taking him by the shoulders and kissing both of his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“Ma?” Jim laughed in disbelief. </p><p> </p><p>“Look at you, you handsome devil!” She said excitedly, cupping Freddie’s cheeks in her hands. “Oh, Jim, you have an absolute angel here!”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie laughed shyly. “Hi.” He said softly. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, that accent is to die for.” She told him, kissing him once more before she went to Jim. “And who do we have here?”</p><p> </p><p>“This is Freddie’s son, Maajid.” Jim smiled as Maajid cuddled up to him and kissed his forehead. </p><p> </p><p>“He is absolutely gorgeous.” She told Freddie, looking back at him. “Darling, you’ve barely spoken a word!”</p><p> </p><p>“Because you haven’t given anybody a chance to get a word in edge-ways!” Jim laughed. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s nice to meet you.” Freddie smiled shyly, gratefully taking Maajid from Jim and cuddling him close. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s even nicer for me.” She told him, watching the care with which he cradled his baby. </p><p> </p><p>“Why don’t I put the kettle on?” Jim offered, looking between them. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, darling.” Freddie smiled, gesturing for her to come through into their lounge, where he sat on the sofa and quickly grabbed a sleepsuit of Maajid’s to dress him in. “I’m so sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.” He said softly.</p><p> </p><p>“Esther, darling.” She told him, smiling at how he cradled a tired Maajid close once he was dressed. “Sweetheart, tell me all about you, I’m not interesting at all.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well-” He smiled shyly. “My name’s Freddie Bulsara, I’m twenty-five-”</p><p> </p><p>“Twenty-five!” She said in disbelief. “Oh, my boy’s become a cradle snatcher! Do go on, darling, please.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie laughed and blushed harder. “I’ve got two kids, and I- I don’t have a job right now, but I am going back to university.”</p><p> </p><p>“To study what?” She asked eagerly.</p><p> </p><p>“A masters in painting.” Freddie smiled.</p><p> </p><p>“An artist!” She said enthusiastically.</p><p> </p><p>Jim carried in a tea tray, fully decked with a teapot, mugs, sugar, and milk, though Freddie noted that his mug was already full; Jim had made him a separate mug of Earl Grey, knowing how much he preferred it. Clasped to the bottom of the tray, however, was a sketchbook of Freddie’s, the one he kept his favourite drawings in, which he dropped in his mother’s lap gracelessly. “Have a look, Ma.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is this yours?” She asked Freddie, opening it eagerly. The first image in the book was Freddie’s portrait of Jim, all dressed up with bluebells in his hair, looking so happy and radiant in the glow of the sunshine on their balcony. “Holy shit- excuse my language.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie laughed, secretly delighted, though his cheeks flamed even hotter. “Painting is my favourite, but you can probably tell.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure this isn’t a photo?” She turned the book to Freddie with a laugh. “God, you know my son’s face better than I do.”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s a very willing model.” Freddie grinned.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t even know you were painting this!” Jim insisted. “I was just reading, I wasn’t paying any attention!”</p><p> </p><p>She turned a few more pages, looking between them in awe as Jim poured them both tea. “Why do you need to go to university if you can already do this?” She asked earnestly,</p><p> </p><p>“To get me a job afterwards.” Freddie laughed and crossed his legs, patting his baby on the back as he lay against his chest. “You’d be surprised how much it means to just have the qualification to prove you really can paint.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, that makes sense.” She nodded. “This is beautiful, Freddie.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.” He smiled shyly. “I’m really glad you like it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is it romantic, you having an artist for a lover?” She asked Jim with a smile. </p><p> </p><p>“The whole thing is outrageously romantic.” Jim wound his arm around Freddie’s waist and kissed his temple. “Would you like to meet Ejaz, Ma?”</p><p> </p><p>“Can I?” She asked eagerly, putting the sketchbook carefully down on the coffee table.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course!” Freddie nodded, smiling when Jim stood up quickly and retrieved the baby from his bedroom. Ejaz was still asleep as Jim carried him into the lounge, arms cradling his son so delicately as he sat down beside his mother. </p><p> </p><p>“Ma, this is my son.” He murmured, his voice a little thick with emotion as he let her hold him close.</p><p> </p><p>She smiled knowingly at him. “I bet this was a surprise, hey? This was a day we didn’t think would ever come.”</p><p> </p><p>“I think it was the best gift that anybody’s ever given me.” He murmured, looking over at Freddie with all the love in the world behind his eyes. “When Freddie told me he was pregnant- I didn’t think it was real. I was just in disbelief, you know, that I could really be a father.”</p><p> </p><p>“And he looks just like you.” She smiled at him. “His eyes are just like yours.”</p><p> </p><p>“I said that, too.” Freddie laughed; when they both looked both at him, he looked so happy, young and beautiful as he cradled his son to his chest. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s got your smile.” Esther told him, unable to wipe the smile from her face as she looked between Freddie, her grandson, and her son. “There’s an awful lot of love in this house, isn’t there?”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you tell?” Jim asked with a smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course I can. Look at the way you two look at each other.” She smiled. “Freddie, have you been in love before?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie paused for a moment, patting Maajid on the back, and then shook his head. “No, I haven’t.” He said softly. “Jim is- he’s very different to anybody I’ve been in a relationship with before.”</p><p> </p><p>“In a good way, I hope.” She smiled.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s made me happier than I’ve ever been before.” Freddie told her earnestly. “He’s stepped up to help me with the children- and Maajid’s father was never any use to anybody, so I- to have Jim be so willing to help me has been incredible.”</p><p> </p><p>“I knew I raised you right.” She kissed Jim’s cheek. “A man who steps up for his children.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Freddie rocked Maajid back and forth gently, listening to his gentle noises as he sucked his thumb; he tested the temperature of his bottle on the back of his hand but stood the bottle back on the warmer when it felt too cold. He looked up when Jim rested his hand on the back of his waist and smiled, accepting a quick kiss on the lips. “Baby?” Jim murmured.</p><p> </p><p>“Hm?” Freddie asked. </p><p> </p><p>“I know that we were talking, earlier on, about keeping it quiet while you’re in your first trimester.” Jim said softly. “But I was wondering- can we tell my Ma? Because she’ll be going back to Ireland before long, and I- I really want to tell her in person, if we can, instead of having to tell her over the phone.”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie considered it for a moment, but then began to nod. “Of course we can, lovie.” He promised. “Now?”</p><p> </p><p>“If you don’t mind.” He whispered, picking up the bottle and carrying it back into the lounge for Freddie. </p><p> </p><p>Freddie came and sat down beside him, touching the bottle to Maajid’s lips and gently rocking him back and forth, and smiled when Jim pulled them both close. “We’ve got some news, Ma.” Jim said excitedly.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh?” She asked, sipping her tea with a smile. “And what would that be?”</p><p> </p><p>Freddie glanced up at Jim and smiled. “We’re expecting another baby.” He said softly. “I’m about four weeks.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, darling!” She squealed, jumping up and kissing them both. “You’re pregnant again?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was a shock for us, too.” Jim laughed and kissed Freddie’s cheek. “We didn’t plan it, but- well, we’re thrilled.”</p><p> </p><p>“And I’m tired.” Freddie laughed and rubbed his eye. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not surprised, my love, your poor body must be battered.” She chuckled. “But congratulations, dear! Oh, I can’t believe I’ve suddenly got so many grandchildren!”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Heart Shaped Diamonds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's official.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes were drooping closed, his arms hugging Ejaz closely to his chest; the baby had been hiccuping for hours, and had finally settled back to sleep in the arms of his father. Freddie had never minded those night hours with his children as much as he thought he would’ve: after years of working through the night on broken sleep, the sleep he got between the cries of his children seemed to him to be a luxury. It had helped him to learn how to reclaim the night for himself, the hours that had once been commanded by other people, owning his body, demanding that he perform for them, work for them, please them: now he woke only for his children, only to care for them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Freddie?” Jim whispered, rolling over in bed and looking at Freddie, fast asleep. He smiled as he sat up beside him, carefully taking Ejaz from his arms and laying him back down in his bassinet. He carefully looped his arms under Freddie’s body and moved him until he was laying down, watching the way that his eyelashes fluttered uncertainly. “It’s alright, baby, I’m just getting you comfy.” He murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie yawned and cracked open his eyes, watching his lover as he lay down beside him and offered him his arm. “I thought you’d never ask.” Freddie croaked, crawling into his arms and resting his cheek against Jim’s chest. “Ejaz okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fast asleep, love.” Jim whispered, pressing a kiss to Freddie’s temple. “Go back to sleep, honey.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie nodded, his eyes closing heavily again; Jim couldn’t help but smile at the warmth of his breath against his chest, how relaxed his body felt against his own. In the beginning, Freddie had been hesitant to even lay his head on him, let alone to cuddle him like this, their bodies so intertwined: he’d always considered it a privilege that his lover was now so relaxed with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, good morning!” Freddie sang as he walked back into their bedroom, smiling at the sight of Jim cuddled up in their bed with a sleeping Ejaz. Maajid sat on his hip, babbling excitedly, and Freddie precariously balanced a mug of coffee in his other hand, which he handed over to his lover. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look especially beautiful this morning.” Jim murmured, his voice deep and rough with sleep, and Freddie smiled coquettishly back at him, striking a little pose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s my paternal glow.” He joked. “And whatever the fuck is in those tablets you give me to stop me getting sick.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s just the fact that you’re sleeping instead of vomiting all night.” Jim chuckled and leaned up to graciously accept the kiss that Freddie offered him. “Oh, you’re all minty!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got my shit together this morning.” Freddie laughed, putting Maajid down on the bed so that he could crawl around. “Look, I’ve been in the shower and everything!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look radiant, my love.” Jim said lovingly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Freddie laughed as he sat down beside him. “I got a bit of work done before the kids woke up, too, so I made a bit more leeway into that assessment that college want before I start.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Which assignment was it?” He yawned, taking a sip of his coffee and then smiling at Freddie. “Good coffee, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been practicing with the espresso machine.” Freddie grinned. “I made myself a decaf one this morning- I didn’t realise how much I’ve been missing coffee since I stopped drinking it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s like a little morning treat, right?” Jim smiled back at him as Freddie perched on the edge of the bed. “That’s how I learned to see it pretty much as soon as I got into medicine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel like you have more of a reason for being addicted to caffeine, though.” Freddie laughed. “You know, with the whole four o’clock start thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re part of the four o’clock start group now, too!” Jim grinned back at him. “You’re up that time most mornings anywhere.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, not through choice!” Freddie laughed. “If I never saw the sun at four in the morning again, I really wouldn’t mind. I certainly wouldn’t choose to do it for a job, like you do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would love to never have to wake up then either, darling.” He chuckled. “But it’s the only way I can finish at a reasonable time in the day so that I can actually see something of you in the evening. If I worked nights, I’d be asleep all day, and if I started work in the afternoon, then I’d never see you in the evenings. I don’t love the early starts, but I love coming home when you’re still awake, when you’re still feeding the babies- you know, I still feel like part of the family.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I’m very thankful that you’d do that for us.” Freddie murmured lovingly, kissing his cheek and then sitting beside him. He gently took Jim’s hand and rested it on his stomach, pulling his t-shirt up a little. “Do you feel that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim’s eyebrows flew up. “Is he kicking?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, God, no.” Freddie laughed. “But I’m beginning to think that you were right about the bump.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim rubbed the palm of his hand over Freddie’s stomach, delighting in just how smooth his skin was. “I think you are showing.” He murmured. “Just a little- I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t know your body well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I can-” Freddie sucked his stomach in hard. “But I could do that in the beginning with the others, too. Maybe I’m just really fucking bloated.” He laughed as he relaxed again, looking at the gentle curve his stomach made. “And I guess I’ve eaten- maybe it’s just that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim pressed the heel of his hand to Freddie’s stomach. “No, your stomach is pretty soft. I think it’d feel harder if you were bloated.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie smiled shyly and ran his fingers back and forth over the skin, before he laced his fingers with Jim. “I want to show properly.” He admitted. “I love it. It- it makes me love my body, you know, I can’t pick it apart when I can see my baby growing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve seemed a lot happier with yourself these last few weeks.” Jim agreed. “With your body.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just feel like- like I did when I first was pregnant with Maajid, it’s like I reclaimed my body. And now- I know my body is mine, but now it feels- it’s just like-” He laughed and hugged his knees tightly. “I’m just grateful for it? I’m grateful for what it’s doing for me, for us, our family- it’s put me in a much better headspace.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you so much.” Jim pulled Freddie into a kiss and smiled widely, speaking again after a few moments. “Are you doing anything today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie ran his fingers through the ends of his hair. “I don’t have any plans, darling.” He smiled. “Brian called me yesterday, though, and he said the guys were going out for a drink tonight. I won’t be drinking, but I thought I’d go and spend an hour or two with them if that’s okay- apparently he has some news for us.” He chuckled. “But no, I’m not planning on doing anything else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course that’s okay, darling. It’ll be nice for you to be able to go out and see your friends.” Jim grinned, kissing his knuckles. “I was wondering if you’d like to go and get your engagement ring today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyebrows flew up. “Can we?” He asked excitedly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been promising that we can for weeks.” Jim laughed. “It’s up to you- I can take you to Hatton Garden over in Holborn, or I can take you to the Tiffany store on Old Bond Street.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes were wide but he began to smile. “Can we go to Tiffany?” He asked, gently touching the pendant that hung around his neck. “I think this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I can’t imagine the rings.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something nice and elegant.” Jim kissed his cheek. “Of course we can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know- when you said I was elegant, I- I think that changed how I see myself.” He explained. “Nobody ever thought I was elegant before- and what you said about my hands, I- you know, people only ever wanted my hands for- well, for sex, and now you’ve made me see them as-” He paused. “I don’t know, you made it sound so beautiful, like my hands are my brushes or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are elegant. I honestly think you’re one of the most elegant people I’ve ever met.” Jim grinned and kissed his knuckles. “You know, if I had no idea about your backstory, I’d think you were- I don’t know, a dancer, something like that. You carry yourself so lightly- I think that’s what makes you so elegant.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie pointed his toes playfully. “I was never a dancer.” He laughed. “Maybe if I had been then I would be in a very different situation right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim picked up Maajid and sat him on his knee, kissing his little forehead. “Maybe this little one will be a dancer.” He grinned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe!” Freddie chuckled, watching the way the little boy flopped his weight against Jim’s chest and the way Jim hugged him to his chest. “Do you think I should take him to ballet classes when he’s older?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Make him into the next Nureyev.” Jim chuckled. “He’s pretty enough. I can see him enjoying them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to give the kids something to focus on so that they don’t get to sixteen and decide that drugs are the most interesting thing imaginable.” He smiled wryly. “When the world seems a bit weird and scary, he feels like he’s got something to focus on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like a lovely idea, my love.” Jim agreed. “I suppose I’ve got to get up if I’m taking you to Bond Street, haven’t I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For once I’ve had a shower before you have.” Freddie grinned back at him, rubbing his hand back and forth over his stomach. “Go get washed, darling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jim watched as Freddie picked up Ejaz, the baby starting to hiccup again; he kicked his little legs with frustration. “Why does he keep hiccuping so much?” Freddie asked earnestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Some babies just get hiccups more than others.” Jim smiled at him. “Have you got a pacifier anywhere?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can he take one?” Freddie asked, eyes wide as he looked up at Jim.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure he can.” He nodded. “You’ll be with him anyway, won’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I think Mama bought me some when she made up the little care package after Ejaz was born.” He stood up, holding his baby to his chest as he rooted around under the bed. He pulled out a little box and sat cross-legged, eventually prizing the pacifier from its packaging and then smiling up at Jim. “Please can you give this a quick wash?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” Jim agreed, and Freddie sat at the foot of the bed as he watched Jim walk into the bathroom, gently tapping Ejaz on the back. He came back a moment later, handing the pacifier to Freddie, who then offered it to Ejaz; the baby took it immediately and settled again against his shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t my kids ever cry?” Freddie asked with a laugh, looking over at Jim as he backed towards the bathroom. “I feel like Ejaz doesn’t scream half as much as I expected. Certainly not as much as Maajid did at his age.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s just a content little sweetheart.” Jim smiled at the picture they made together, Ejaz laying with his cheek pressed to Freddie’s skin, sleepily sucking on his pacifier. “You’re just a good daddy to them both.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Being a daddy is my favourite thing in the whole world.” Freddie said softly, kissing his baby’s head. “Nothing I ever do- nothing will ever be as incredible as these little ones.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie’s eyes were wide as Jim led him into the Tiffany store, their hands clasped tightly; Freddie wore Ejaz in a sling against his chest while Jim pushed Maajid’s pram with one hand. The glamour of the building was overwhelming, making Freddie’s breath catch in his throat; turning his head to the left revealed a line of diamond bracelets that sparkled in the afternoon sunshine, while turning his head to the right showed him a cabinet of diamond rings that he could choose from. Everything was draped in pale blue velvet, luxurious and pristine; Freddie felt a little afraid to so much as breathe on any of the displays. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jim-” He murmured, shying away a little; he felt embarrassed suddenly, underdressed, out of place in somewhere so beautiful and refined. “I’m not sure…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Jim asked, kissing his temple gently and wrapping his arm around his waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t belong here.” He whispered, looking down shyly at his baby. “I don’t know anything about this stuff, I- I’m too dumb to shop somewhere like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Jim tilted his chin up a little. “You’re okay, baby. You don’t have to know anything- I don’t either.” He carefully led him over to the cabinet with all the rings in. “All you have to know is which ones you think are pretty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do all the names mean?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t really matter, my love. It’s just to do with the way that the diamond is cut, things like that.” He explained soothingly. “Which ones do you like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tension in Freddie’s shoulders relaxed a little and he looked over them. “I don’t want anything too flashy.” He said quietly. “I had this one that Luca gave me- I hated how big it was, it felt- it felt like a way of branding me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s some simpler ones over here.” Jim pointed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watched the look of curiosity as it fell over Freddie’s face, and then the sudden look of childish adoration that washed it away. “Jim!” He whispered, pointing to a ring at the front of the display; it was a simple platinum band, but the diamond it held had been cut into the shape of a heart. “Oh, baby…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s absolutely beautiful.” Jim whispered. “Freddie, that’s perfect.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at him and smiled shyly. “It’s expensive…” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s your fucking engagement ring.” Jim laughed. “And it’s actually one of the cheapest in this whole store, so I wouldn’t worry yourself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I help with anything?” A woman asked as she approached them, smiling widely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we’ve fallen in love with a ring.” Jim laughed. “I want to buy it to fit his finger.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you know your ring size, darling?” She asked Freddie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head shyly. “I don’t.” He whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, this is technically a woman’s ring, but you’ve got very thin fingers so you should be fine for sizing.” She smiled and led them over to a counter. “Take your time and try each of these on for sizing, and I’ll come back with a tray of your ring in just a second.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This feels very official.” Freddie whispered as he picked up a plain band, it slipping off his finger quickly. “How do I know if it fits?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The same way you know that your shoes fit.” Jim chuckled. “Not so tight it gets stuck, and not so loose it slips off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Freddie murmured, trying on a few more sizes before he found one he liked. “This is comfy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There we go!” Jim smiled happily. “What letter does it say?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie tilted his hand up to look. “K.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s your size, then!” The woman came back over to them, her gloved hand picking up Freddie’s diamond ring in a size K and handing it over to him. “Why don’t you try this on for size?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie took it from her hand and carefully slipped it onto his finger, breaking out immediately into a huge smile. “Oh, it’s perfect!” He whispered, his eyes welling a little with tears as he laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you like it, baby.” Jim grinned, winding his arms around his waist from behind and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Happy engagement, my love.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you liked it! This probably won't become anything long but I am tempted to write a couple more chapters - let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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